As my emotions start to clear out of my head a bit, I am less confused on some things and more on others: less about TC and more about me.
Actually, TC is quite simple here. He’s not even being mean about it. He’s just being himself and I can’t fault him for that. He’s vulnerable with me in the ways he’s comfortable being vulnerable with me when he feels comfortable. It’s only confusing to me because he can be so open, but then he becomes so closed off. It’s like a switch is flipped, turning things inside of him on and off in an instant. I am not really defending him as much as stating a fact.
(get ready, this is gonna be a long one *smh* but also possibly very entertaining…)
I started a profile on FetLife a couple of months ago, but I haven’t done anything with it until recently. It probably has something to do with the fact that my first contact came on the first day and he was a total jerk that wanted to Top me immediately and get me into the group thing (and not the “munch” kind of group). He wasn’t even remotely polite about it either.
My profile blatantly states that I am totally new at this D/s & BDSM thing.
I told him that I was more interested in exploring things before I get into a full-blown orgy (although I might not be opposed to one at some point… I don’t know…) and that was the end of the conversation.
Well, last week when I ventured out again, I ‘met’ a nice man from Maine. He’s been spending time getting to know me. In fact, my recent venture into kinky erotica was first written in email-form to him. Not once has he asked me to call him Sir. We are just having respectful (and sometimes erotic and kinky) chat.
I took a short grief quiz online a couple of weeks ago because this Loserman thing was making me nuts! I wish I could just throw the lovey-dovey, mushy-gushy feelings away — or possibly donate them to someone who needs them more than I do… But, today I feel closer to being over it than I did when I took that quiz. So, that’s something, right?
Anyway. I ramble…
The results of the quiz stated that I could be suffering from “complicated grief”.
When we met for lunch yesterday, I thought we were simply going to meet for lunch.
I was quite happy with that because I had already seen him the day before and I enjoy his company (touch).
During our prior lunch date, I mentioned that I had finished my book. It seemed like he was eager to have his turn reading it, so I really thought he just wanted to go over that with me…
Anyhow… Later yesterday morning he sent the message, “Good morning, Flower. I will text you details a little later about lunch. But it’s going to be around our usual time.” (see? Lunch.)
I thanked him for telling me and sent him Kisses and Sunshine.
At about 1PM, he sent me the hotel name and address. *sigh* My heart skipped a beat and I told myself that there was probably a cool restaurant in the lobby or next door or something like that (yeah, right… But *you know* that if I had started thinking we were actually going to get naked together, I would start getting nervous! I was trying to stay calm. Also, I wasn’t ready for a ‘first encounter’ — if I had known this was going to happen I would have shaved my legs, right? At least I had on a new pair of panties. Whew! 😉 )
We sent a couple messages back and forth, but he was busy.
Ten minutes before I was to arrive, he sent me the room number and “directly behind the office second floor”.
That’s when I started to get nervous! My heart was thumping, but I was telling myself he probably just wanted to have somewhere quiet and private to go over my book and our ‘rules’. You know, stuff like that.
By the time I was parking the car, I knew why I was really there and I think my nervousness calmed a little.
I mean, this is what I wanted, right?
It was awesome! I wish we had more time. I could have laid with him for the rest of the afternoon and into the night…
The ‘ice’ has been broken. I was given incredible orgasmic release many, many times…
He was definitely worth the wait!
But I can’t help worrying if I did well. If he’s satisfied, too.
(I know, I know… I worry too much!)
Was *I* worth the wait?
Oh, Mr. X, did I take off any of your edge?
Assuage any of your hunger?
He was so quiet. So very quiet.
Not even a grunt (maybe a couple quiet ones near the end 😉 ).
I’m telling myself that it was just because I felt so good — he had to concentrate that hard not to cum.