Distance

Distance

Two Halves of One Whole by Lesya7 on DeviantArt
Two Halves of One Whole
by Lesya7 on DeviantArt

Our bodies writhe

Connected to each other

Like a mind-meld

As we linger within

Our minds converge

So much so

That when you pull away

It feels as if I am losing a part of my self

And the longer we remain apart

I feel the distance growing

Exponentially

Until our bodies and minds

Can become one

Once again

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Dumbass

Dumbass

I talked on the phone with Loverman last Saturday morning. Pretty much the entire conversation just irritated the hell out of me. He doesn’t listen. We’ve talked about it in the past, but he doesn’t listen. He gets hooked on the first thing I say and then imagines in his head what he’s going to say the entire time I am talking. Not listening.

I thought it started out well. He was telling me about his week and how, for the last 3 days, he was so sick he couldn’t get out of bed. I asked if he was feeling any better and he completely avoided the question and started telling me how he called enough friends and rallied enough money to get his water turned back on. That was awesome! I told him good job and asked if he felt a lot better now that he had a little control over something. There was just uncomfortable silence.

So, I brought up the car of mine he just finished fixing.

Aside:
It took him 5 years, but it’s finally done! I understand that he doesn’t have a workshop and all sorts of other things. Which is why it took so long. At the beginning, when he first started working on my car, it bothered me how long it was taking. Eventually I started to realize that, the more I bothered him about getting it done, the less he actually worked on it. He is also that way with his friends when they need him to work on their cars. So, I stopped bugging him about it and, about 2 years ago, I had pretty much written that poor car off as a loss. Having it now is strange.

Usually, when he’s done fixing or doing something to my truck, Bear, he likes a total progress report of how the vehicle is running afterward. I thought he would want to know the same for Breeze. My mistake.

I told him, “When you turn on the headlights, the dashboard lights go out. But, when the parking lights are on, the dashboard lights work just fine.” (Also, after further investigation Sunday night, the tail lights aren’t working either, but the brake lights do. I didn’t bother to tell him about that, but I will have to do something about it if I want to drive the car at night…)

“What do you mean?”

“Ummm. When you turn the knob on the steering column to the ‘Headlights On’ position, the lights behind all the gauges go out completely. But if you just leave the knob in the ‘Parking Lights’ position, the lights show up behind the gauges just fine.” At this point, on this topic, I was starting to get irritated so I spoke very slowly and clearly. I was frustrated that he was being so dense.

“Was that a problem before you gave me the car to fix?”

“I don’t think so. I’m giving you a status report on the car after I’d had a chance to drive it a couple of days. I’m not complaining or anything, I’m just telling you what’s going on with it. That’s what we usually do with Bear when you fix him.”

“Well, if it’s something that was broken before you gave it to me, then I won’t be able to fix it for you.”

WTF? I thought. Is he cutting me off because we had a disagreement?!? “Okay. I got it.”

Then, like a dumbass, I asked him if we were going to reschedule our sk8-venture this fall since the one we had already planned was cancelled. Loverman said, “I thought we weren’t doing that now.”

Youre-a-dumbass

I was confused and didn’t know what to say to that, but I didn’t want to NOT say anything either. “I thought we were going to reschedule a new one. We just haven’t had time to talk about it. It has been over 3 weeks since we’ve had the chance to sit down and plan something out.”

“Yeah. Huh.” Was all he said in response.

“So, do you think you could say ‘Yes’ to me about this coming Tuesday? Maybe we can figure things out then.” (remember, this is before Mr. AM emailed me Monday morning)

“What do you mean ‘Yes to this coming Tuesday’?” He asked.

“You know, our regular Tuesday Date Night? We haven’t been together for a long time. I think it would be really nice if we both had something to look forward to.”

“I don’t know. I will have to let you know Monday.” (he didn’t, by the way. Hence the plans with Mr. AM.)

Near the end of our conversation, we were talking about something else and he called one of his “friends” dumbass. He refers to her as that frequently, he also calls his wife that and two of his other friends. I get that he’s joking, but he calls them that so often, sometimes I can’t figure out who he’s talking about. He sure has a lot of dumbasses in his life!

After he was done telling me his story, I made the mistake of asking him if he ever calls ME dumbass when he’s talking to his friends. “No, I call you by your name when I talk about you. Why would you think I call you dumbass?”

“Because you call all your other friends dumbass when we’re talking. I was just wondering…”

More awkward silence.

I asked him to be sure to let me know about date night sometime on Monday so I would be able to pack a bag. He agreed. The conversation ended uncomfortably.

Sunday we didn’t talk/text at all.

Monday morning at 8:15, I sent him my usual “At work safe” text. I asked if he was feeling better and said to have a good day. I didn’t mention date night at all.

When I didn’t receive a response, I decided to say “Yes” to Mr. AM.

Loverman finally responded at 2:30 yesterday (Monday) afternoon with, “Thank you for letting me know you are at work safe. I will check Breeze out.” He sent it twice.

I sent him one more text, at 9:49, before I went to bed that said, “I hope you are feeling better. Have a good night.”

I haven’t heard back from him since. I hope he’s okay and that he’s just sulking and have a huge pity-me party on Facebook.

But I think that’s the last thing I will do to initiate contact with him. If he wants to talk to me, he can reach out to me.

I don’t feel like chasing him down this time.

Chasing Rainbows by MrsFrenchFry
Chasing Rainbows
by MrsFrenchFry

Related Posts:

Crush

Crush

Crush by Du1l
Crush
by Du1l on DeviantArt

Crush
by Zhane

I needed sunshine in my days
Something to wash away the pain
I saw a very gentle side of him
That took my heart and made it sing
I wish he’d run away and hide with me
Love hurts so much more than it seems
There was one thing I didn’t show
I love him and he doesn’t know

I wonder if I ever see the day
Will I ever find the nerve to say
I love you
And will he turn around, walk away
Will he leave or will he stay
If I tell him

Could he be the one who was in my dreams
Could he be the one sent down for me
There was one thing I failed to show, babe
I love him and he doesn’t know

Have you ever loved somebody
Secretly loved somebody who didn’t know
Have you fell in love with somebody
Deeply loved somebody who didn’t know

I love him and he doesn’t know me
I love him and he doesn’t know
There was one thing I didn’t show, babe
I love him and he doesn’t know

Found

Found

i found you by ilona on DeviantArt
i found you
by ilona on DeviantArt

I got this message this morning:

I got my phone back

That was it. I don’t know what I expected, but I definitely hoped it would be more than that! It took me a few minutes to sort out how I should answer because the waves of relief were so strong I could barely take a breath. Immediately after, I was filled with a peaceful calmness

But!

Once he sense of relief started to wane, as it tends to, it was like my brain decided that it was okay to feel the other emotions, too! The ugly ones! The dam busted open and now I am faced with:

anger (I was worried about you and this is all you have for me?)

betrayal (You told me that you don’t like going gambling without me!)

humiliation (How did I let myself get so worked up about this?)

and jealousy (Did you find someone else who’s more fun to go with?)

but the biggest one is disappointment (all of those other things put together.).

At least that’s what I think it feels like (and right after I wrote that fucking poem for him Saturday!!).

So, before I over-thought it and got angry said the wrong thing, I decided my best response would just be, “Okay” — because if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Right?

His response to that was simply:

I’ll talk to you later.

I was completely underwhelmed by the amount of information that he decided to give me! That’s seriously all I get? I’m pretty sure he would expect a better explanation from ME if I had been MIA all weekend!

I didn’t even get an: “I’m safe.” or a “Thanks for trying to get my phone back for me.” or an “I’ll bet you were super worried about me.” or a “Sorry to keep you waiting for so long.” I know I am being selfish right now, but I just spent all of yesterday worrying about him! And, I still don’t know if he’s okay or where the fuck he is!

My stupid Green Monster has double-teamed with Self-Doubt and they keep putting horrible thoughts in my head!!

Again, I couldn’t think of anything to say except, “Ok.” (Truthfully, I could think of A LOT more things to say, but none of them were nice. They were all “fightin’ words”! And I don’t want to fight, mostly I am grateful he isn’t dead!)

I want to write more here, but I don’t know what to say. At this moment I am filled with so many emotions tumbling around inside of me; every one of them trying to scream louder than the rest of them. It’s so loud and confusing I don’t know what the true core feelings actually are… Or if it’s just my PMS enhancing them…. Or if maybe this is karma’s helpful reminder not to get too close…

What should I be feeling right now?

How Do I Breathe
by Mario

It feels so different being here
I was so used to being next to you
Life for me is not the same
There’s no one to turn to
I don’t know why I let it go too far
Starting over – it’s so hard
Seems like everywhere I try to go
I keep thinking of you

I just had a wake up call
Wishing that I never let you fall
Baby you are not to blame at all
When I’m the one that pushed you away
Baby if you knew I cared
You’d have never went nowhere (nowhere)
Girl I should’ve been right there

How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go
When your heart’s where I lay my head?
When you’re not with me
How do I breathe?
How do I breathe?

Girl I’m losin’ my mind
Yes I made a mistake
I thought that you would be mine
Guess the joke was on me
I miss you so bad, I can’t sleep
I wish I knew where you could be
Another dude is replacing me
God this can’t be happening

I just had a wake up call (call)
Wishing that I never let you fall (fall)
Baby you are not to blame at all
When I’m the one that pushed you away
Baby if you knew I cared (cared)
You’d have never went nowhere (nowhere)
Girl I should’ve been right there

(And I wonder…)
How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go
When your heart’s where I lay my head?
When you’re not with me (I’m saying)
How do I breathe?
How do I breathe?

I can’t get over you, no
Baby I don’t wanna let go, no
Girl you need to come home
Girl come back to me
Cause girl you made it hard to breathe
When you’re not with me

(Tell me)
How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go (where do I, where do I go)
When your heart’s where I lay my head?
When you’re not with me
How do I breathe?

How do I breathe?

Without you here by my side?
How will I see (how will I see)
When your love brought me to the light (baby, baby)?
Where do I go (where do)
When your heart’s where I lay my head?
When you’re not with me (you’re not with me)
How do I breathe (How do I breathe)?
How do I breathe?

What should have been Monday’s post

What should have been Monday’s post

Cloudy by hanariku on DeviantArt
Cloudy
by hanariku on DeviantArt

It’s been really hard to shake the cloudy funk that came over me Saturday. The littlest things have been making me cry. I hope it’s just PMS, because I really don’t want to give Mr. Doom-n-Gloom that much power over me.

On a positive note, Loverman was actually waiting at my job yesterday morning when I got there! His “broken” truck, Ranger, was sitting in the parking lot in the spot right next to mine. It made me so happy to see him; words cannot express! Since my disagreement(s) with Doom-n-Gloom on Saturday, all I have been able to think about is climbing into Loverman’s arms to recharge myself and my positivity. It was so nice to be able to actually do that for a few minutes before work.

His excuse was that he wanted to use my truck to drive to an interview, but I think he stopped by because he missed me, too. We haven’t seen each other since the Sunday before Christmas and we were both probably starting to feel some serious “withdrawal symptoms”.

His interview finished up right at the end of lunch so he stopped by work to drop off my truck and we took another opportunity to spend time together with a nice lunch at McDonald’s — we took his truck. There wasn’t much time so we didn’t get to talk a lot, but it seems that his marriage is right on track with mine: his wife didn’t get him anything for Christmas either, she didn’t even tell him “merry Christmas”!

But *I* got him gifts and I told him Merry Christmas enough times for everyone!

He was the last person on my list that I bought gifts for, and his presents practically fell into my lap.

  • Smelly lotion because that’s just part of what I get every year for everyone.
  • A “Love Coupon Book” on The Dating Divas website that I printed that out for him. There were three blank coupons so I filled one out myself that says, “Good for one skate adventure in the year 2014!”
  • Cold medicine — this wasn’t really a gift, but I slipped it into his gift bag because he was catching a cold 🙂
  • A gift certificate for a 25-minute drive through the foothills in a Ferrari!! I am SO jealous! I wish I could ride with!

Ferrari 430 Scuderia

And last night, when I got into my truck to go home, Loverman had installed new front speakers for me while he had it earlier! There was a little post-it note waiting for me that said, “I hope you enjoy your new speakers. Merry Christmas!” signed with a happy little smiley face that he draws at the end of all his notes to me 🙂 It turns out that he needed my truck for more than just its fuel.

Needless to say, I had a very loud drive home last night and in to work again this morning!

Loverman met me for donuts before work today at our usual 7-11 and I think it’s fair to say that, I am feeling much better and definitely partly re-charged!

I hope all of you have a very bright and wonderful Happy New Year!!! Be safe tonight and enjoy yourselves thoroughly!

Happy New Year by pincel3d on DeviantArt
Happy New Year
by pincel3d on DeviantArt
Word of the Day: Futility

Word of the Day: Futility

noun: futility
fu·til·i·ty
ˈfyo͞oˈtilətē
definition: pointlessness or uselessness.
example: “the horror and futility of war”
synonyms: fruitlessness, pointlessness, uselessness, vanity, ineffectiveness, inefficacy
Futility____by_cidaq
Futility
by cidaq on Deviantart

I heard this song on the radio this morning and as I was listening I could only think: “futility”.

It’s a song I hear from time to time on the radio, it’s not that old, I have it on my MP3 player in the rotation and when it comes on I don’t skip it. I always thought this song was about suicide, at least that’s what it meant to me, but as I was listening to it this morning it’s meaning changed for me a little. I began thinking that it’s a much better description of the way I feel when I am overwhelmed with something and I have completely give up, or have already given up. I scream for the “Coast Guard” for help, but they’re just not there: “Please help me, I’ve thrown myself in the ocean with this horrible, terrible, no good, very bad choice and now I am drowning in the consequences!”

But now, after watching the video, I am wondering: did I miss the mark completely and the song is about stagefright? Or zombies? Vampires? What’s with the gas masks? Jonah? … … ??? If you know, please enlighten!

Into the Ocean

Blue October

I’m just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I’d rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I’d be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like ‘fourteen miles away’

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I’m sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I’m cold as cold as cold can be
Be

I want to swim away but don’t know how
Sometimes it feels just like I’m fallin’ in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jetsam sunk, I’m left behind
I’m treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I’m reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don’t know how
Sometimes it feels just like I’m fallin’ in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow, yeah
Just to prove that I knew how, yeah
It’s midnight’s late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Sat front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all

[Zayra]
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don’t know how
Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
I thought of just your face

Screw My Hypersensitivity

Screw My Hypersensitivity

sensitive-areaScrew PMS (either the pre-menstrual kind OR the peri-menopausal kind, it doesn’t even matter)!

It’s like my brain is thinking and it knows what to do (or NOT to do), but my mouth/body just does whatever it wants *sigh*.

Last night we had a wonderful time just playing the poker machines (I gave him a 90-minute back rub right after we got to the room, then we went to the games). We had one tequila shot (because last week we each had 4 and that was definitely too many, but it made for some AWESOME sex — before Vanilla became the Sahara Desert!) and, for a couple of minutes, it looked like we were going to break even, but we didn’t. Each of us only lost $10, though.

When it was time for us to go back to our room, we talked about food, but it was 10:30 and both of us were more tired than hungry so we just went back upstairs to drink our bottle of Moscato and do some “stuff”.

He headed into the shower because he hadn’t had a chance to yet and I slipped into the Colorado Rockies t-shirt he just gave me. Vanilla got a good lube-ing so there would be no repeats of last week and I laid down to watch Conan. Before I knew it, Loverman was standing bare naked in front of me brushing the stray hairs away from my face (he’s just so sweet sometimes it totally melts my heart).

I grabbed the bottle of wine and he poured each of us a glass. We chatted (he told me that we have probably had sex more times than he and his wife since they started dating over 7 years ago!!! Win for me!) and slowly sipped our wine until after midnight. At one point I even said, “It’s so cool chilling with you.” He agreed with me and we crawled under the sheets together.

His magical fingers found his way to my moistened muff and started gently probing and caressing… It felt so good, and then he began to drift off. I squirmed a little and he woke up and resumed his tender touches. Eventually (you probably know what’s coming, right? BTW – no pun intended ;0 ) he fell completely asleep.

Sadly, here is where my brain was still thinking but my mouth/body had totally stopped listening (surprised?).

My brain was telling me to let him sleep and my body was aching to have him inside of me, loving me, feeling me…

For a while I laid there peacefully watching some really crappy movie with Donald Faison, but the movie was very bad and Vanilla was still rarin’ to go! I got up and went to the bathroom, relieved myself and got a glass of water. Then, I went back and laid in the other bed. Loverman said, “Why don’t you come back to bed, babe?”

“Because you’re tired and I feel so restless. I don’t want to keep you up.”

“Mamacita… Okay…” and I thought he fell back asleep, but really he just got quiet.

The television was pissing me off because there were only 12 channels and all of them were bad (except CBS where Craig Ferguson was just ending and TBS which was playing this super crappy movie) so I turned it off and laid down on the top of the blankets of the other bed. I could feel my feet tingling (“restless legs”, it happens to me all the time. So annoying!) and I really couldn’t lay still. It was bothering me, so why wouldn’t it be bothering my sweet Loverman?

I found out that he hadn’t gone back to sleep a few minutes later when he said, “Goodnight I guess then.”

This is when I became furious with myself. I wanted to get back into bed with him, and clearly that’s what he wanted too, but I didn’t want to wrestle around with the bed-covers in a futile attempt to get comfortable. I knew my legs would just keep kicking and squirming and I would just get more frustrated.

I got up and I started to put on my clothes. My brain was asking me, “What are you doing? Why are you doing this? Do you want to wake him up and have an argument?”

Apparently so. He rolled over in his bed to look at me and asked, “Where are you going?”

“Nowhere.”

“Then why are you getting dressed.”

“I don’t know. I think I want to,” then I started saying mean things about myself: I feel gross, I think I am so fat, etc…

Loverman rose from his bed and started getting dressed, too. In my brain I felt like a total idiot, but now my “instincts” were in full control of my actions and I no longer understood what was happening.

“Please don’t leave, baby. I am sorry. Right now I am having some kind of emotional episode that I can’t seem to control,” I explained. “My feelings are controlling my reactions and I am trying to settle down. Please don’t go. I don’t know what words I can say to tell you how I am feeling.”

“I’m not going anywhere, I’m just confused.”

We talked again for a while. I tried to understand the emotional barrage that had overtaken me. It was hard to help him understand how I was feeling, too, because I still don’t know what the hell got into me!

Once I had determined that it was probably extreme sexual frustration on my part, I started to calm down — whether or not that’s actually what was bothering me, this answer seemed to calm me infinitely. (I get frustrated a lot because I don’t know when I will get to see/be with him again and I know that next week will be a “no nookie” week. Maybe I just got too far ahead of myself, maybe I was trying to proactively catch up…)

I told him that what I really wanted was for him to return to bed and that I would behave, but I really wanted to feel loved and sexy and he’s so good at that.

Loverman’s response was, “I don’t even know where to start now.”

Trying to break the tension I responded, “You could let me start because I am the one that messed things up tonight?”

“You said you wanted a back rub. Let’s start with that,” he said and I complied by getting settled into bed and baring my back to him.

One of my strongest feelings about him is that I don’t provide for his sexual needs as much as he provides for mine. When I tell him that I feel this way he just grins at me and tells me that I don’t have anything to worry about (and then, most of the time, does something sexy to me 😉 ).

About 30 minutes later my regular back rub turned into a sexy back rub and I started to feel like we were “on track” again.

This is one of my favorite positions with him — Loverman’s too. Coconut seems to fill in all my blanks and empty places with his rigid warmth and it never takes long for me to cum this way. He’s so close against me this way while he lays his entire torso on my back, and then he starts to kiss my shoulder-blades and tickle my back with his beard stubble. It’s heavenly!

Afterward, as I was lying next to him enjoying his tenderness, I realized again how very lucky I am to have a man (who isn’t even technically “mine”) who is so patient and tries to be so understanding with me.

I would say that I don’t think I deserve such a wonderful man, but he has issues of his own. So I think I will continue down this road with him and I will endeavor to handle my emotional outbursts in a more sensible manner in the future.

The Road Less Traveled
by ~LegoAztec on deviantart.com

 

Coyness is a Virtue?

Coyness is a Virtue?

DeviantArt
Ixxi – Coy Look
by MissMangyKatChessur

Back when I was a teenager I used to be coy intentionally. I teased my boyfriend mercilessly because I loved the control it gave me (big surprise that in High School I only had that one boyfriend). It gave me such a rush to know that someone wanted me that badly (don’t worry, I didn’t tease him that bad. I blew him and he got off…). But I was also raised by some very crazy religious parents, so part of this coyness was covering for my naiveté because I seriously didn’t know.

I thought I had grown out of that a long time ago, but apparently not. I guess I acted like that coy girl so often that she just became a natural part of me. So now it seems like it’s something that I do instinctively.

I think that’s what happened last Friday when that collection attorney (Brent) asked me for coffee (and, by the way, I did find him on Linked In and added him as a Connection – and he accepted! Probably because of my mad writing skills ;)). While I was trying to be polite and conversational in the uncomfortably silent elevator, I probably gave him some kind of look or my body spoke to his subconsciously in some way — I don’t freaking know! I like to joke around a lot… Maybe it was my silliness that drew him to me. That’s one of Loverman’s favorite things about me…

I have that tendency to seem naive and innocent… Maybe my charm is just in my simplicity and not because I am intentionally being demure. Sometimes simplicity can be demure, right?

The reason I am even bringing this up is: I caught myself doing it today.

One of my attractive male co-workers walked past my office. He looked over at me and smiled. I returned his smile and nodded — you know, the silent “hello”? But then, for some reason, my hand pops up from my typing and waves timidly at him over my computer screen.

WTF was that?

I’m glad he had already turned the corner and didn’t see my reaction. I don’t know what I looked like, but it had to have been something akin to surprised realization.

Fall For Meby kestar
Fall For Me
by kestar