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On: Making an Effort

Since our little ‘disagreement‘ a couple of weeks ago, I haven’t had much to say to Alaska.

He has called to check up on me a few times and my interaction with him has been minimal at best.

Also, I have been trying to stay busy so it’s easier to say, “No” to him when he wants to ‘hang out’.

It’s difficult to share pieces of myself and be vulnerable when I don’t feel I’m being appreciated.

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Status

Our First Fight

without

Ha ha ha. How cute, right?

Not!

Last Saturday night, while we were talking, TC confessed that he owed me an apology for thinking that I was a wimp (whiny pee-pee head is the word he used) when I was complaining about the heat in Houston on my first day there. I haven’t really made a big deal about this here but, over a week later, I am still reeling from the heat rash it gave me – I have complained to him a couple of minor times about it since I got home…

Anyway, even though he very sincerely apologized for thinking I was a whiny pee-pee head, I couldn’t shake it from my head all day Sunday and all day Monday. The fact is, until he told me that, I thought he was fine with me and the thought never even occurred to me that he would think I’m a pussy!

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Dumbass

Dumbass

I talked on the phone with Loverman last Saturday morning. Pretty much the entire conversation just irritated the hell out of me. He doesn’t listen. We’ve talked about it in the past, but he doesn’t listen. He gets hooked on the first thing I say and then imagines in his head what he’s going to say the entire time I am talking. Not listening.

I thought it started out well. He was telling me about his week and how, for the last 3 days, he was so sick he couldn’t get out of bed. I asked if he was feeling any better and he completely avoided the question and started telling me how he called enough friends and rallied enough money to get his water turned back on. That was awesome! I told him good job and asked if he felt a lot better now that he had a little control over something. There was just uncomfortable silence.

So, I brought up the car of mine he just finished fixing.

Aside:
It took him 5 years, but it’s finally done! I understand that he doesn’t have a workshop and all sorts of other things. Which is why it took so long. At the beginning, when he first started working on my car, it bothered me how long it was taking. Eventually I started to realize that, the more I bothered him about getting it done, the less he actually worked on it. He is also that way with his friends when they need him to work on their cars. So, I stopped bugging him about it and, about 2 years ago, I had pretty much written that poor car off as a loss. Having it now is strange.

Usually, when he’s done fixing or doing something to my truck, Bear, he likes a total progress report of how the vehicle is running afterward. I thought he would want to know the same for Breeze. My mistake.

I told him, “When you turn on the headlights, the dashboard lights go out. But, when the parking lights are on, the dashboard lights work just fine.” (Also, after further investigation Sunday night, the tail lights aren’t working either, but the brake lights do. I didn’t bother to tell him about that, but I will have to do something about it if I want to drive the car at night…)

“What do you mean?”

“Ummm. When you turn the knob on the steering column to the ‘Headlights On’ position, the lights behind all the gauges go out completely. But if you just leave the knob in the ‘Parking Lights’ position, the lights show up behind the gauges just fine.” At this point, on this topic, I was starting to get irritated so I spoke very slowly and clearly. I was frustrated that he was being so dense.

“Was that a problem before you gave me the car to fix?”

“I don’t think so. I’m giving you a status report on the car after I’d had a chance to drive it a couple of days. I’m not complaining or anything, I’m just telling you what’s going on with it. That’s what we usually do with Bear when you fix him.”

“Well, if it’s something that was broken before you gave it to me, then I won’t be able to fix it for you.”

WTF? I thought. Is he cutting me off because we had a disagreement?!? “Okay. I got it.”

Then, like a dumbass, I asked him if we were going to reschedule our sk8-venture this fall since the one we had already planned was cancelled. Loverman said, “I thought we weren’t doing that now.”

Youre-a-dumbass

I was confused and didn’t know what to say to that, but I didn’t want to NOT say anything either. “I thought we were going to reschedule a new one. We just haven’t had time to talk about it. It has been over 3 weeks since we’ve had the chance to sit down and plan something out.”

“Yeah. Huh.” Was all he said in response.

“So, do you think you could say ‘Yes’ to me about this coming Tuesday? Maybe we can figure things out then.” (remember, this is before Mr. AM emailed me Monday morning)

“What do you mean ‘Yes to this coming Tuesday’?” He asked.

“You know, our regular Tuesday Date Night? We haven’t been together for a long time. I think it would be really nice if we both had something to look forward to.”

“I don’t know. I will have to let you know Monday.” (he didn’t, by the way. Hence the plans with Mr. AM.)

Near the end of our conversation, we were talking about something else and he called one of his “friends” dumbass. He refers to her as that frequently, he also calls his wife that and two of his other friends. I get that he’s joking, but he calls them that so often, sometimes I can’t figure out who he’s talking about. He sure has a lot of dumbasses in his life!

After he was done telling me his story, I made the mistake of asking him if he ever calls ME dumbass when he’s talking to his friends. “No, I call you by your name when I talk about you. Why would you think I call you dumbass?”

“Because you call all your other friends dumbass when we’re talking. I was just wondering…”

More awkward silence.

I asked him to be sure to let me know about date night sometime on Monday so I would be able to pack a bag. He agreed. The conversation ended uncomfortably.

Sunday we didn’t talk/text at all.

Monday morning at 8:15, I sent him my usual “At work safe” text. I asked if he was feeling better and said to have a good day. I didn’t mention date night at all.

When I didn’t receive a response, I decided to say “Yes” to Mr. AM.

Loverman finally responded at 2:30 yesterday (Monday) afternoon with, “Thank you for letting me know you are at work safe. I will check Breeze out.” He sent it twice.

I sent him one more text, at 9:49, before I went to bed that said, “I hope you are feeling better. Have a good night.”

I haven’t heard back from him since. I hope he’s okay and that he’s just sulking and have a huge pity-me party on Facebook.

But I think that’s the last thing I will do to initiate contact with him. If he wants to talk to me, he can reach out to me.

I don’t feel like chasing him down this time.

Chasing Rainbows by MrsFrenchFry
Chasing Rainbows
by MrsFrenchFry

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What should have been Monday’s post

What should have been Monday’s post

Cloudy by hanariku on DeviantArt
Cloudy
by hanariku on DeviantArt

It’s been really hard to shake the cloudy funk that came over me Saturday. The littlest things have been making me cry. I hope it’s just PMS, because I really don’t want to give Mr. Doom-n-Gloom that much power over me.

On a positive note, Loverman was actually waiting at my job yesterday morning when I got there! His “broken” truck, Ranger, was sitting in the parking lot in the spot right next to mine. It made me so happy to see him; words cannot express! Since my disagreement(s) with Doom-n-Gloom on Saturday, all I have been able to think about is climbing into Loverman’s arms to recharge myself and my positivity. It was so nice to be able to actually do that for a few minutes before work.

His excuse was that he wanted to use my truck to drive to an interview, but I think he stopped by because he missed me, too. We haven’t seen each other since the Sunday before Christmas and we were both probably starting to feel some serious “withdrawal symptoms”.

His interview finished up right at the end of lunch so he stopped by work to drop off my truck and we took another opportunity to spend time together with a nice lunch at McDonald’s — we took his truck. There wasn’t much time so we didn’t get to talk a lot, but it seems that his marriage is right on track with mine: his wife didn’t get him anything for Christmas either, she didn’t even tell him “merry Christmas”!

But *I* got him gifts and I told him Merry Christmas enough times for everyone!

He was the last person on my list that I bought gifts for, and his presents practically fell into my lap.

  • Smelly lotion because that’s just part of what I get every year for everyone.
  • A “Love Coupon Book” on The Dating Divas website that I printed that out for him. There were three blank coupons so I filled one out myself that says, “Good for one skate adventure in the year 2014!”
  • Cold medicine — this wasn’t really a gift, but I slipped it into his gift bag because he was catching a cold 🙂
  • A gift certificate for a 25-minute drive through the foothills in a Ferrari!! I am SO jealous! I wish I could ride with!

Ferrari 430 Scuderia

And last night, when I got into my truck to go home, Loverman had installed new front speakers for me while he had it earlier! There was a little post-it note waiting for me that said, “I hope you enjoy your new speakers. Merry Christmas!” signed with a happy little smiley face that he draws at the end of all his notes to me 🙂 It turns out that he needed my truck for more than just its fuel.

Needless to say, I had a very loud drive home last night and in to work again this morning!

Loverman met me for donuts before work today at our usual 7-11 and I think it’s fair to say that, I am feeling much better and definitely partly re-charged!

I hope all of you have a very bright and wonderful Happy New Year!!! Be safe tonight and enjoy yourselves thoroughly!

Happy New Year by pincel3d on DeviantArt
Happy New Year
by pincel3d on DeviantArt
Saturday’s Disagreement

Saturday’s Disagreement

Last weekend was long, but not in a good way!

Loverman and I had a “disagreement” Saturday morning (I choose that word intentionally because it wasn’t really a fight or an argument). We pretty much agreed to disagree, but I didn’t have any good feelings about it.

  • He wanted to walk 50+ blocks (no shit!) to his friend’s house after he hadn’t slept in over 24 hours and just worked an 8-hour security patrol shift (walking!).
  • I wanted to drive him to his friend’s house: it would only take 30-40 minutes round trip.

Here’s the deal:

As you may or may not know, Loverman has been using my truck (Bear) 3-4 days a week because his truck (Broken) is going to be repo’d any day now and it drinks gas like the tank has a leak or something! Most of the time it’s just cheaper and easier to use Bear.

Friday night I stayed at home and he drove Bear into work (he works 3rd shift). When he was done with work the next morning he was supposed to come and get me and then I would bring him to his friend’s house so he could get some sleep and we could run our errands — Saturday mornings I take Mr. Doom-n-Gloom and Thing #2 to the grocery store for the weekly shopping and they like to leave kind of early to avoid the crazy crowds.

Loverman texted me at 6:45 Saturday morning to ask if he could go home quick to take a shower and I replied, “Yeah”.

It takes him 15 minutes to get to his house from work and then 20 minutes to get to my house from there so I figured he would get to my house in about an hour or so. No big deal.

Anyone who knows me (including Loverman) knows that if you really want to piss me off, make me wait. Time slugs along for me and I get more and more agitated as the minutes click by. I expected that Loverman would be to my house at about 7:45, but I didn’t get his “I’m leaving now” text until 7:50! Knowing that it takes 20 minutes to get to my place from his, I recalculated… Okay, 8:10 now…

Both Mr. Doom-n-Gloom and Thing #2 were awake at this point and chomping at the bit to go to the store.

I could detail it all out for you, but I think you get the picture — Loverman didn’t get to my apartment until 8:30. I had been sitting and, unsuccessfully, trying to wait patiently, but was starting to seethe and I really wanted to holler at someone (Loverman).

When he finally got there, I didn’t yell at him like I wanted to. I just got into the passenger seat of my truck and (didn’t slam the door — yay!) said, “We better get going. It’s getting late.”

I must not have said it the way I meant to because Loverman asked, “What’s wrong?” (that, or I had the “death glare” goin’ on)

Me: “I thought you would take less time than you did. Doom-n-Gloom and Thing #2 are already up and anxious to get going.”

Loverman: “I didn’t take that long!”

Me: “You took almost two hours. I didn’t think it would be that long when you texted me, ‘See you in a few minutes’. I thought you understood I needed the truck this morning for our errands.”

Loverman got out of the driver’s seat and started getting his bag out of the back seat — I think he huffed at me, too, but I may have imagined that because I was angry.

At this point, I should have just let him go because he already had his mind set, but I really didn’t want to be the one responsible for “making” him walk 50+ blocks, etc… so I grabbed his bag and said, “Please don’t be like this. Why can’t you just let me bring you there? It’s only another 20 minutes or so.”

He was already walking away from me without his stuff; completely ignoring me. I ran to him and touched his shoulder, “Please don’t do this. I wish you would just get in the car and let me drive you. I will feel like shit all weekend if you stay like this.” (the guilt tactic did not work)

Loverman walked back to the truck with me, grabbed his bag and said, “Why should you feel like shit? You need to go and be with your family today. I’ll walk. I’m good.” (I still can’t tell if there was resentment in his tone or if I was just hearing it because I was so frustrated with him). Then he turned away from me and started his long-ass, lonely walk.

Like a teenager (because sometimes I want to act like one, too, dammit!!!) I slammed the truck door and went in to tell ‘my family’ that we could go now — the entire time trying to stop the tears from creeping out of my eyes. Of course they wanted to know what was wrong, so I just told them that Loverman and I had a disagreement about taking him ‘home’ and that he decided to walk. Both Doom-n-Gloom and Thing #2 said we could just go pick him up and bring him the rest of the way. I told them that there had already been a big enough ‘production’ and that Loverman had made up his mind.

The three of us went on and did our grocery shopping and errands. I didn’t want things to end on such a sour note with Loverman so, while Doom-n-Gloom and Thing #2 were in one of the stores, I called him totally not expecting him to answer (that’s the way it usually works with him: he gets frustrated with me and then completely shuts me out until he’s ready to be an adult again). He actually answered this time!

Me: “I was just calling to see if we could have the conversation we would have had if things hadn’t gone so wrong this morning. Was it busy last night at work? Did you get a nap before you had to go in? Did you eat?”

Loverman: “It was quiet last night and, no, I didn’t get a chance to take a nap, but I did eat.” He said that he was going to try to go back downtown to pick up his truck so he could make a payment on it and then go to the junkyard.

I asked him how he was going to get there — from 132nd St. to south of 1st St. — he said he would figure it out.

I told him that he could ask me for a ride if he needed it, I didn’t have afternoon plans.

There was dead silence.

I said, “You’re sick of asking me for help, aren’t you?”

Loverman’s response: “Yes. I am.”

We talked awkwardly for about 15 minutes longer. Neither of us apologized for our behavior. I asked him to let me know when he got to his friend’s house safe and later when he got to work safe and then we said our goodbyes.

I waited all weekend for him to tell me he was fine. He never texted me. It kills me when I think about it: how he can feel so comfortable ignoring me when he knows how much I worry about him (just as much as he fucking worries about me! Why are the ‘rules’ different for him?). But I made it through the whole weekend without obsessing on his whereabouts and whether he was safe because I figured he made his bed… He crossed my mind a few times and I will confess, most of those times, I wished total and utter misery on his lonesome soul. But I practiced self-control and didn’t ‘bother’ him all weekend long.

This morning I had to go to the clinic to get blood drawn and when I finally made it to work I still hadn’t heard from him. I text him every day when I get to work and every day when I get home from work — he asked that I do that favor for him so he knows I’m safe. Usually he asks about me if I don’t text him by 8:30 in the morning, but he didn’t this morning. So, I thought about ignoring him like he ignored me all weekend. The whole time I was waiting at the clinic I was tossed the idea around in my head, and then during the 45-minute drive into work (not obsessively, more fantasizingly). Ultimately I decided to be the better person and just tell him that I made it to work.

My text: “Safe at work. Had to go to the clinic to get blood drawn. Have a good day.”

Loverman’s response: “Glad you got to work safe.”

Not what I wanted or expected, but at least now I know he’s alive.