Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Over It

Since Alaska pretty much shunned me last Monday, I’ve had little-to-nothing to say to him.

In all honesty, I am disgusted.

Disgusted with him.

Disgusted with myself.

DIS – GUS – TED

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Argh!!!!!!!! Skater Down!

Saturday night my roller skates broke. Well, one of them anyway… *sigh*

I just got them in January! A month before I went to Phoenix!!

ūüė¶

Broken Skate 1

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listen

I have to confess that I am terribly hurt by TC’s response to my email. I spent all day Tuesday thinking about how I wanted explain my feelings to him. I didn’t want to be hurtful, just honest. Admittedly, my note originally¬†started off as a bulleted list, but ultimately¬†I¬†decided¬†THAT WOULD BE TOO FUCKING BITCHY.

Regardless, here is TC’s very simple and brief reply. Nothing less and nothing more¬†than¬†a bulleted fucking list

ToMe2

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My Response/s

I find it oddly coincidental that I received so much communication from you immediately after I re-opened my Ashley Madison account.

Why did you wait to send all of your emails at the same exact second? Why couldn’t you send each email one at a time, every 2-3 days starting last Sunday…??? If you had done that, this wouldn’t even be happening and we would probably be on “better terms” as you say.

This is stoopid¬†hard! In fact, I don’t even know why you keep coming back… Is it so you can let me down again and then be able punish/hate yourself for fucking up again? Do you want (or need) me (or your wife) to be disappointed in you? Are you creating distance between us on purpose? Why are you making it so hard for me to be vulnerable with you? Why do you find it so difficult to be vulnerable with me? I don’t understand… It always seemed like Loserman was doing all of¬†that, too…

I don’t believe you are being entirely forthcoming with me. My thinking that you are keeping things from me doesn’t help me to trust you.

Your poem was entirely too cryptic…

We had become attached.
There was more to it than that.
The layers and partitions have changed.
It was never my intention to become estranged.
Strange how this works.
Both women in my life are saying I am making them hurt.
I apologize for my change in focus.
My changes, are the things that broke us…

 

(his response to my post Fade Away)

I just want to give up every time things get tough. I like you a big fat shit ton, but I’m not actually convinced that you like me as much as you think you should/do. Or maybe you feel sorry for me and don’t want to hurt my feelings. That’s how it seems from here.

I don’t want pity. I need help. I need to know that you will keep your word and not be entirely consumed by every squirrel that darts past…

you-were-born-to-be-real-p

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Monday Motivation: Promises

If you make them

Keep them

Please?

Last week, Scorpio was supposed to call me before Wednesday night to confirm our date.

He didn’t.

I wasn’t surprised or angry, but I was disappointed.

He promised he wouldn’t forget.

And, technically, he didn’t. He called me while I was driving home from work Wednesday night and asked, “Are we still on for tonight?”

I expected this actually, so my response was easy, “I was waiting to hear back from you and when you didn’t confirm, I didn’t know if I should plan anything for us.”

He thought about it for a second and then replied, “Oh, yeah. You’re totally right. I’m really sorry I forgot.”

“It’s okay,” and then I said, playfully, “It’s your loss.”

“I know, huh,” he acknowledged. “Where are you right now?”

“I’m on my way home from work,” then I told him my actual location in traffic. “Where are you right now?” I asked.

“Downtown,” then he told me the cross-streets, “I just got off work and I thought, if we were going to do something tonight, maybe you could pick me up. But, since I forgot to confirm with you, I’ll just take the bus.”

I had an idea. “Well, I’m in a good place to come pick you up and give you a ride home? That way I could see you tonight anyway. Even if it’s just for a little while. Does that sound like something you could go for?”

“That would be really awesome!”

“Okay. It will take me like 30 minutes to get there, okay?”

“Okay, beautiful. Thank you!”

We discussed exactly where he was and where we would meet. He explained to me that his phone was dying and our call might get disconnected.

It didn’t then, but it did die before I tried to call him back later.

When he wasn’t where we had agreed he would wait.

Big fucking surprise, right?

Finally, as I’m putting money in the meter, he wanders out of the building where he was working, “Hey, babe. Have you been waiting long?”

“Yeah. About 15 minutes. I’ve been wandering around looking for you.”

“Sorry about that,” he said. “I was upstairs talking to the security guard and I didn’t see you pull up.”

“Okay, cool. I’m glad you’re still here and didn’t leave.” (I was only like 10% mad at this point – mildly irritated, I guess. Or incensed.)

(But, Seriously! OMFG!! He knew I was coming, and that his phone was dying, and he didn’t wait in the lobby by the windows like we had planned. Sound like Loserman a little? *sigh*))

We hugged and he put his stuff in the back seat then asked if we could walk down to 7-11, he wanted to pick up a Black & Mild.

“Sure, no problem,” I said. Because it wasn’t. There was money in the meter and it was a nice evening. He put his arm out and we strolled arm-in-arm one block to the 7-11.

After all that was over and we were on the road, Scorpio said, “Okay. I know you’re going to laugh at me because I keep asking this, but what¬†day are we leaving on that skate trip?”

He was right. I did laugh. I laughed because I have told him every single time that I have seen him for the last two months that it’s over Valentine’s weekend – we’ll be leaving really early on the morning of Friday the 13th. I even printed out the flyers for it and gave them to him!

After I was done with my giggle-fit, I explained it to him all over again. Then I looked him straight in the eyes and asked, “Are you still going to go on this trip with me?”

“Of course I am,” He replied.

I asked again, “Are you sure? If you cancelled at the last minute it would totally suck.”

“Yeah, babe. I’m still planning on going with you,” he reassured me.

(He sure doesn’t seem very excited about it. Don’t other people get excited about going on vacation?! Or is it just me?!?!?!)

We talked some more about what time we need to leave on Friday morning, what time the Friday night rooftop party starts, what we were going to wear…

I asked him if he would be able to help me check out the car (Breezy) on Sunday afternoon (yesterday) to make sure he was ready for the long drive.

He said that he thought he would be able to because he would already be working on a friend’s car Sunday, too.

But he would get back to me Saturday night for sure.

He promised.

I said, “Don’t forget about me this time,” then I winked at him and leaned in for a kiss.

He returned my kiss and reassured me, “I won’t forget this time. I promise. Cross my heart.”

“Okay,” I was satisfied. We talked a little more, he went into his house and I returned home.

And…

He forgot about me Saturday night.

Surprised?

Nope. Not any more. It seems I am very forgettable!

So…

Sunday I did the oil change and checked fluids on Breezy with Thing #1.

Here’s what *I* have to say about promises today:

Ha!

Ha!

Fucking!

Ha!

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Giving Head

I enjoy sucking cock. Given that it is clean and well-trimmed, etc… (irrelevantly, Loserman’s was practically perfect).

Mr. X’s is¬†quite lovely. I would like to have sucked it and kissed it and worshipped it all night long if he would let me.

But Mr. X¬†is the first man who told me that I don’t do it¬†‘right’ (I haven’t sucked that many dicks, though…)

This is a really big deal to me because it is something I actually enjoy doing. (Hence the reason I am still obsessing about this weeks later.) I have read about it and watched videos and practiced…

I like to be slow and methodical… I use my hands and my mouth… I suck his balls and fondle pretty much everything…

I have dentures so, when my teeth are in, I’m afraid that I will hurt a man.

Plus, everything I have read/heard says “NO BITING!”

Then I watched a NSFW¬†video that Mr. X sent me. It is a ‘training video’ on how to give a perfect blow job.

OMG! I can’t do that!!! Maybe a couple of those things…

I guess if Mr. X was expecting that, he should have been disappointed with me… *shrug*

But it makes me wonder: was I ever even good, or were they just waiting for me to get it over with?

I kind of wish I could ask Loserman. I was never able to make him cum with my mouth. Is it because I wasn’t doing it ‘right’?

StopGivingHead

It’s incredible how one small, relatively insignificant,¬†criticism can cause me¬†so much self-doubt.

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Nightline

I finally received an email from AshleyMadison.com Thursday in regards to me possibly being on Nightline’s second special on infidelity (see post):

AshleyMadisonFinal

I can’t say that I’m not disappointed ūüė¶ but I’m also not surprised.

Also, I looked it up and, there is no Nightline episode on tonight. Nightline doesn’t air on Saturday nights. Per ABC’s website

Who was I talking to?

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