The Last Word, Finally?

The Last Word, Finally?

ThickSkull

So, after Mick hung up on me Tuesday morning, the thought crossed my mind, “Cool! Now I don’t have to figure out how to break up with him at the end of the month.”

I realize that is a very bitchy thought, but the mother-fucker just hung up on me after telling me he was done. What was I supposed to think? Read more

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Discussion Ad Nauseam

Discussion Ad Nauseam

AtPeaceLast week I was having a huge struggle with my feelings about Mick.

I met this Dreamboat through Tinder while trying to detach from him a bit, expecting it to just be a weekend hookup. That’s not how it turned out.

After my first weekend with Dreamboat, my mother came into town for a couple of days for Thing #2’s graduation. My ex-in-laws were also in town as well as one of the girls’ cousins.

Dreamboat didn’t need much attention. He works 3rd shift and knew my family was in town so we spoke briefly on the phone a couple of times and texted a couple of times, nothing big. I paid an equal amount of attention to Mick.

Unfortunately Mick didn’t think it was enough. Last Monday afternoon he had a tooth removed and he spent the next two days in excruciating pain. I know how that feels and had spent the week prior commiserating with him about toothaches. When I wasn’t around to do that, he got upset. And, because he was deliriously in pain, he was telling himself stories that I was leaving him.

I had lunch with Mick Monday afternoon. I wanted to spend some time with him before everything started to get crazy.

After that, Mom got into town Monday night. I spent Tuesday with mom and daughters. Thing #2’s graduation was Wednesday afternoon. Mom’s flight out was Wednesday night.

It was fast and over in the blink of an eye.

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…Then It’s Probably a Form Letter

…Then It’s Probably a Form Letter

I_Am_Mine

Well, so much for all that…

It turns out that the guy who contacted me through FetLife last week was a total horsefly (just like the other FetLife wanna-be’s: Rock Star and the other creep)

… so much of a horsefly that I completely deleted my FetLife account.

Fin.

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Another Disappointment

Another Disappointment

There is a reason why I post what I post; I’m sure you are perfectly aware of that… And there are times when I think I don’t want to tell all of you what I’ve done because of my shame.

Funny thing is, that shame doesn’t always deter me from making the choices I make, but sometimes it does affect what I decide to tell you.

I listen to your loving advice and then sometimes I just do the opposite – even though I know it’s against my better judgment.

I’m not even drunk when I make these stupid choices! If I was, well, that would be some kind of excuse, right? My inhibitions were lowered, my feelings were so strong I just had to, etc…

I publish posts about trusting intuition and not giving into temptation because I am trying to help myself learn how to be.

I even read a freaking book about how men’s brains work.

But I still have too many moments of weakness and continue to make bad choices.

Fortunately for me the Universe saved me once again (which is probably why I am even telling you about my stupidly bad choice).

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Status

Disappointment

Disappointment
…or perhaps they *should* be…

A week ago Tuesday, two days after I got back from my visit to Houston, I had a job interview.

I was kind of excited about it because it would be working for a very large, very successful company with benefits that I do not have at my current position.

Conversely, the afternoon before, for extraneous reasons, I was seriously thinking about cancelling. But, rather than discourage myself further, I just decided that I was going to do it, or rather that I HAD to do it.

TC was excited for me. He took time out of his hectic morning to encourage me. It felt lovely! I was even going to post the conversation here, but my Verizon account is messing up right now and I can’t take screen pics of my texts *sigh*

I thought the interview went very well.

Once I finished up with the Departmental portion of the interview, they told me they would be calling me for a second interview so I could meet with the rest of the team.

After that I met briefly with the gentleman from Human Resources who had initially contacted me.

He explained that someone would contact me by Friday, August 7th either way: interested or not.

No one called…

Quote

Us

I_BARE_SKIN

Today, right before the ass-crack of dawn, I will finally be on my way to TC for the weekend!!!

My flight leaves at 5:45 and arrives in Houston at 9:05. I have all day Friday and all day Saturday! The sad part is, my return flight leaves at 1:55 PM Sunday, which means that I really should be to the airport by noon. Especially since I am not familiar with it (LOL! I am so poorly traveled!).

I can have some anxiety in crowds/situations when I am not familiar with the environment or I don’t have “someone comfortable” with me. It’s something that I am working on because I know it’s a huge weakness of mine, but thinking about it can get overwhelming. I have to keep reminding myself that it is NEVER as bad as I think it’s going to be. And, the airport has literally thousands of people who can help.

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Sk8cation: Saturday Morning

Sk8cation: Saturday Morning

To read about Friday’s adventure click here

BlameItOnYourPeriod

I got my mother-fucking period.

Again!

And on my Sk8cation, too!!

That is officially 3 ‘cycles’ in as many weeks.

Before we left I figured I should be safe for a few days, right? Even a few weeks?

Fuck this change-of-life shit!

It actually started at the end of our drive Friday night, but I was hoping it was a fluke and only mild spotting (just like I thought the prior week right before I got period #2).

Nope. It wasn’t spotting. Saturday morning I woke up with another full-blown menstrual period!

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Pieces of Me

Pieces of Me

Maybe I feel like I want to quit Mr. X because things are getting difficult.

Emotionally. Physically. Chronologically.

Is this thing even worth it? What will I get out of it besides more broken?

I was excited for what lies ahead of us.

Sharing vulnerabilities. Learning something new together. Pushing boundaries.

But then there’s the disappointment…

And wondering if I am waiting for nothing…

BrokenHeartMend

I wish I hadn’t let him in.

I was so excited to learn about submission with him.

So eager to explore that part of myself without shame.

He already knows everything about me.

But…

My mushed-up heart has been mushed-up all over again.

He helped me to put it back together just enough that there’s enough to break.

Then he smushed it.

And even though he didn’t intend for it to, it hurt.

More so because he just helped me fix it!

Because he told me he would.

My freshly broken heart…

We can’t build my trust up that way.

I can’t freely submit to him if I am expecting to be disappointed…

…or for my heart to be smushed.

*smh*

I’ve become attached.

He wanted me to. I needed to.

*sigh*

I have to stop.

Stop being vulnerable…

Stop getting attached…

I expect too much.

I’m only a distraction.

Hope….

It only leads to disappointment.

Meaningless words and empty promises…

Does he say them because he thinks it’s what I need to hear?

Words mean so very little when only spoken out of obligation or guilt.

He was supposed to be helping me pick up my pieces and put them together again.

But it’s just creating more pieces.

Tinier pieces.

Harder-to-put-back-together pieces.

ScaredKitten