The Bad Sub

The Bad Sub

I broke up with Alaska on New Years Eve at pretty much the strike of midnight.

At least it felt like a break-up…

I had been feeling strange about him all week before that. It was partly the fact that he hadn’t “marked” me the last time we were together: I didn’t know how to react or feel about it. And partly because his attentiveness had kinda dropped off.

But maybe I was making excuses because I was already looking for a reason to run.

Read more

Advertisements
The Morning After

The Morning After

When my thoughts were finally able to succumb to peace, I slept for maybe 2 hours.

Which kept Alaska from sleeping well, too.

The previous night, after he had ravaged me to the point I was scared enough to ask if I could go home, he became very gentle with me. The way he made love to me, the way he held me in his arms, the way he spoke to me, the way he woke up each time I stirred and made sure I was okay…

I wasn’t, but at the time I didn’t feel like I could tell him that… I was worried I would get another whipping and my ass wasn’t ready again so soon… Or my mind. My knees and ankles were hurting me to the point I could barely stay still in the bed, let alone kneel before him and submit again.

Read more

It’s All Fun and Good Until Someone Gets Hurt

It’s All Fun and Good Until Someone Gets Hurt

So…

Submission…

I tried it…

The first few times it wasn’t so bad. It was fun, really…

Then there was last week.

Whipped with a switch that I cut for myself…

Read more

Pieces of Me

Pieces of Me

Maybe I feel like I want to quit Mr. X because things are getting difficult.

Emotionally. Physically. Chronologically.

Is this thing even worth it? What will I get out of it besides more broken?

I was excited for what lies ahead of us.

Sharing vulnerabilities. Learning something new together. Pushing boundaries.

But then there’s the disappointment…

And wondering if I am waiting for nothing…

BrokenHeartMend

I wish I hadn’t let him in.

I was so excited to learn about submission with him.

So eager to explore that part of myself without shame.

He already knows everything about me.

But…

My mushed-up heart has been mushed-up all over again.

He helped me to put it back together just enough that there’s enough to break.

Then he smushed it.

And even though he didn’t intend for it to, it hurt.

More so because he just helped me fix it!

Because he told me he would.

My freshly broken heart…

We can’t build my trust up that way.

I can’t freely submit to him if I am expecting to be disappointed…

…or for my heart to be smushed.

*smh*

I’ve become attached.

He wanted me to. I needed to.

*sigh*

I have to stop.

Stop being vulnerable…

Stop getting attached…

I expect too much.

I’m only a distraction.

Hope….

It only leads to disappointment.

Meaningless words and empty promises…

Does he say them because he thinks it’s what I need to hear?

Words mean so very little when only spoken out of obligation or guilt.

He was supposed to be helping me pick up my pieces and put them together again.

But it’s just creating more pieces.

Tinier pieces.

Harder-to-put-back-together pieces.

ScaredKitten

How Long Must I Wait…

How Long Must I Wait…

… for my release?

I am horny and frustrated.

Pent up and repressed.

My imagination constantly returns to thoughts of pleasure and appeasement.

Not knowing when…

Is this a test? (is that a stupid question?)

Is this a part of my ‘training’? (and this as well?)

Would it be easier if I knew…

How long must I wait?

A New Book

A New Book

I ordered myself a new book. It could come as soon as Friday or as late as the day after Christmas (I am hoping on the former). I don’t have/do kindle and I would rather have a hard copy anyway.

I am really looking forward to reading it! I have a feeling that it might help a little in other aspects of my life, too – learning how to be submissive.

9113676

Submissive women have needs just like anybody else. But how can a woman get her needs met when she’s relinquished her power to her dominant partner? With warmth, wisdom and a down-to-earth approach, experienced submissive Kacie Cunningham analyzes the realities of the dominant-submissive lifestyle and suggests ways in which both partners can experience the greatest possible growth and pleasure. At the heart of the book is an emotion Kacie has dubbed “Conquer Me” — which she defines as “the submissive’s internal demand for a show of strength.” Without a clear understanding of “conquer me,” both submissive and dominant may find themselves at odds — either fighting unhappily, or watching the passion ebb from their relationship. This book explains this unique need and how to get it met — essential knowledge for any submissive or couple who wants to get the most out of their D/s lifestyle.”

I hope to read it and then share it with Mr. X.

Or we could read it together…