Monday night I finally decided to talk to Alaska about his lack of respect for my time and money.
It started with, “Get me a beer.”
As I walked to the kitchen to get a new beer that *I* had paid for (since he drank the rest of my last 6-pack – that I paid for…), I grumbled, “You know, just a little appreciation and thanks goes a long way.”
None of it was earth-shattering – even though it may have seemed so at the time (and possibly a little bit still on Monday).
Thursdayand Sunday were emotionally taxing on the Mick front: Thursday he had an “episode” (flashback) and, after waiting two days to discuss it in person, Sunday we met up to talk about it and us. (Mick and I have an agreement that feelings should always be discussed in person, unless it just isn’t practical.)
As my emotions start to clear out of my head a bit, I am less confused on some things and more on others: less about TC and more about me.
Actually, TC is quite simple here. He’s not even being mean about it. He’s just being himself and I can’t fault him for that. He’s vulnerable with me in the ways he’s comfortable being vulnerable with me when he feels comfortable. It’s only confusing to me because he can be so open, but then he becomes so closed off. It’s like a switch is flipped, turning things inside of him on and off in an instant. I am not really defending him as much as stating a fact.
(I recommend clicking the link above and reading the entire article. It’s not much longer, and better, than the little I have reposted here.)
…Compassion is in fact an unreasonable emotion. It is not really based on any reasoning. For, mind is the seat of reasoning whereas it is heart for the compassion. As a behavior, compassion may well be supported by some reason, but as an emotion, a feeling, it is neither supported nor triggered by any reason. Behavior can be deceptive but feelings, because they live inside you, cannot be artificial. They are what they are.
After Saturday’s skate party was over, our fellow Denver-ite skater friend, Maya, asked for a ride back to our hotel. She wanted to wait in the lobby for her ride back to town and I was happy to oblige. It was nice to have someone else to talk to after skating – someone who has been to one of these things before… The conversation was nice and I learned a lot about the Denver skate drama scene (one thing she told me made me very happy I hadn’t gone to a skate party the year before with a different girl. Whew!).
I had mentioned a few times near the end of the night that I wanted to take a bath – I could feel the soreness in my bones. So, we returned to the hotel and said “Good-bye” to Maya. I told Scorpio he could take the first shower – I didn’t want to get my dirtiness all over the shower before he had a chance to get clean (seriously, that’s how I said it). Also, I wanted to take my time lounging in the hot water. Maybe his germ-o-phobe ass would fall asleep before I crawled into bed like the night before.
He didn’t even suggest that we shower together, he just hopped in the shower and started…. We talked while he was cleaning off – he was telling me what a great time he had, how he had no idea how much fun it would really be and thanking me for “inviting” him! He was downright giddy!
Then, something strange happened. He finished up his shower, dried off and started running a bath for me. I was shocked and all I could think to say was, “Ummm… Thank you for running my bath?”
I don’t really have any words to express how I feel. That’s why my blog pages have been so blank the last couple of weeks. I think I sat still too long and let the whispering breezes from another world get the better of me…
There’s a lot of confusion and hurt running rampant in my brain and I haven’t been able to find the words to help me describe it. The best word I can use to describe it is: twirling. Except for this type of twirling isn’t like spinning for the sheer joy of spinning, or anything like that.
I feel a breeze of bewilderment with a shade of hurt in there, but I can’t figure out where the hurt is coming from. I think there’s love and some brightness, too, but right now they’re overwhelmed by the other feelings and emotions twirling around inside with them.
Why do I feel so bewildered and overwhelmed? What’s causing the hurt? Why can’t I figure it out and make it stop? I’m afraid that I am ignoring some of the whispering breezes on purpose; maybe I don’t want to hear what they are telling me.