Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Show Me

Reminders so I don’t take him back:

  1. Telling me my feelings are stupid when he doesn’t understand them
  2. His conceit and selfishness
  3. He’s a loud open-mouth chewer
  4. It’s always a struggle for his attention and time
  5. Not keeping his word, aka: empty promises
  6. Lack of respect and appreciation
  7. EXCUSES!!!
  8. Ignorance (circling back to #1)

If you love me, fucking show me!!!

(It’s taped at the head of my bed, so it’s there as the first and last thing every day)

6 Comments »

No News Is NOT Good News (aka: More Sh*t About Promises)

I haven’t heard a single word from (or of) Loserman since our text conversation 11 days ago.

He hasn’t posted any status updates on Facebook either.

And he definitely hasn’t sent me an email telling me what parts I need to order for him to fix my truck, Bear.

He hasn’t texted me or left me a voice-mail explaining what the fuck is going on!!

Of course not.

You know why?!?

Because the very last thing I asked him to do is COMMUNICATE with me!

LosermanText8

Why is it so hard?

15 Comments »

Pieces of Me

Maybe I feel like I want to quit Mr. X because things are getting difficult.

Emotionally. Physically. Chronologically.

Is this thing even worth it? What will I get out of it besides more broken?

I was excited for what lies ahead of us.

Sharing vulnerabilities. Learning something new together. Pushing boundaries.

But then there’s the disappointment…

And wondering if I am waiting for nothing…

BrokenHeartMend

I wish I hadn’t let him in.

I was so excited to learn about submission with him.

So eager to explore that part of myself without shame.

He already knows everything about me.

But…

My mushed-up heart has been mushed-up all over again.

He helped me to put it back together just enough that there’s enough to break.

Then he smushed it.

And even though he didn’t intend for it to, it hurt.

More so because he just helped me fix it!

Because he told me he would.

My freshly broken heart…

We can’t build my trust up that way.

I can’t freely submit to him if I am expecting to be disappointed…

…or for my heart to be smushed.

*smh*

I’ve become attached.

He wanted me to. I needed to.

*sigh*

I have to stop.

Stop being vulnerable…

Stop getting attached…

I expect too much.

I’m only a distraction.

Hope….

It only leads to disappointment.

Meaningless words and empty promises…

Does he say them because he thinks it’s what I need to hear?

Words mean so very little when only spoken out of obligation or guilt.

He was supposed to be helping me pick up my pieces and put them together again.

But it’s just creating more pieces.

Tinier pieces.

Harder-to-put-back-together pieces.

ScaredKitten

10 Comments »