Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Temporarily Reunited

So…. Something very unexpected happened to me recently.

Lov(s)erman returned the $800 he borrowed from me BACK IN 2014!!!

Long Story, Short:

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Us

I_BARE_SKIN

Today, right before the ass-crack of dawn, I will finally be on my way to TC for the weekend!!!

My flight leaves at 5:45 and arrives in Houston at 9:05. I have all day Friday and all day Saturday! The sad part is, my return flight leaves at 1:55 PM Sunday, which means that I really should be to the airport by noon. Especially since I am not familiar with it (LOL! I am so poorly traveled!).

I can have some anxiety in crowds/situations when I am not familiar with the environment or I don’t have “someone comfortable” with me. It’s something that I am working on because I know it’s a huge weakness of mine, but thinking about it can get overwhelming. I have to keep reminding myself that it is NEVER as bad as I think it’s going to be. And, the airport has literally thousands of people who can help.

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Pieces of Me

Maybe I feel like I want to quit Mr. X because things are getting difficult.

Emotionally. Physically. Chronologically.

Is this thing even worth it? What will I get out of it besides more broken?

I was excited for what lies ahead of us.

Sharing vulnerabilities. Learning something new together. Pushing boundaries.

But then there’s the disappointment…

And wondering if I am waiting for nothing…

BrokenHeartMend

I wish I hadn’t let him in.

I was so excited to learn about submission with him.

So eager to explore that part of myself without shame.

He already knows everything about me.

But…

My mushed-up heart has been mushed-up all over again.

He helped me to put it back together just enough that there’s enough to break.

Then he smushed it.

And even though he didn’t intend for it to, it hurt.

More so because he just helped me fix it!

Because he told me he would.

My freshly broken heart…

We can’t build my trust up that way.

I can’t freely submit to him if I am expecting to be disappointed…

…or for my heart to be smushed.

*smh*

I’ve become attached.

He wanted me to. I needed to.

*sigh*

I have to stop.

Stop being vulnerable…

Stop getting attached…

I expect too much.

I’m only a distraction.

Hope….

It only leads to disappointment.

Meaningless words and empty promises…

Does he say them because he thinks it’s what I need to hear?

Words mean so very little when only spoken out of obligation or guilt.

He was supposed to be helping me pick up my pieces and put them together again.

But it’s just creating more pieces.

Tinier pieces.

Harder-to-put-back-together pieces.

ScaredKitten

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Loverman’s Current Situation

moving-day

For the last month, Loverman has been moving his things to a storage unit about 40 minutes away. Except for a few of his most important things — his bed, his 3 vehicles that don’t work, 1 vehicle that does work, some clothes, etc… — he is totally moved out of his wife’s house.

But he has nowhere to go.

His wife‘s house no longer has power. Water has been shut off for a second time. It has been 11 months since she has made a mortgage payment. Her son has been taken away by her mother to go live with his uncle. It’s only a matter of time before the bank forecloses on her house and she has to leave.

Loverman doesn’t want to be living there when it happens, so he is sleeping in a friend’s spare bed for the time being. While he’s there, he’s using their internet to find a place to live and a second job and a place to store his 3-4 vehicles.

I don’t talk about his money much, but his checks are garnished for child support (3 kids) so he gets very little of it after everyone else has taken their pieces. That’s why I am always giving him money and trying to help him out. I would want someone to help me if I needed it, right?

Which is why he needs to get a second job. I can’t give him enough money for an apartment and he can’t live with me… Even if Doom-n-Gloom wasn’t there, I wouldn’t be able to live with Loverman, not until Thing #2 has graduated from high school in two years. I joke about how he could come over and sneak up into my loft and sleep there all day. No one would notice…

I have been thinking about this a lot recently along with sorting out what I really want and trying to get my life in order. I have tossed around the idea of putting a down payment on a trailer home or condo or something for him/us. It would be in both of our names and he would make the monthly payments. I’m not planning on moving in with him or anything, at least not right now. But I would have something to fall back on when I finally do split from the husband.

Or, I’d have a rental property if things don’t work out.

But all of that depends on whether or not I get a bonus at the end of this year, and how much it is.

I’m not trying to put the cart in front of the horse here, but I enjoy having these ideas to toy around with. It gives me something to look forward to. I’m not building expectations here, just dreams.

And somewhere in those dreams, I feel power.

SunClouds

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Sk8-Venture: Day 1 (aka: Ha Ha Fucking Ha!)

Please excuse this post if it isn’t eloquent or doesn’t make sense. Loverman is sleeping in the bed next to me and I am in a really bad mood.

I don’t really even want to talk about it. Part of it was okay, but mostly it was terrible.full of fuck

Loverman didn’t pick me up until 10 o’clock in the morning. He was supposed to come and get me right after he got off of work — he gets off at 6 and it takes 20-30 minutes to get to my apartment. I thought he was as excited as I was to get this trip started, so I wrongly thought that he would be picking me up by 7. I would tell you what he told me about his co-worker being late, blah, blah, blah… But I don’t believe him… No reason not to, except he didn’t even bother to send me a text telling me that he would be getting off work late.

The actual driving trip went well. Loverman fell asleep in the car around noon and then slept until about 4PM. I listened to CDs most of the way and looked at the sky. When he woke up we switched and he drove. For a while he molested me in the passenger seat. We sang to Prince. It seemed like things were going to be okay.

But, they weren’t.

You see, I had this stupid thing called expectations. They fucked EVERYTHING up.

The problems really started when we got to the hotel and checked into our room. I have to admit that I was highly peeved about his lack of consideration yesterday morning and I think I had already set up our weekend to fail (in fact, I think, even after meditation and yoga this morning, I am still ready for today to fall flat, too!). I knew he would want to shower when we got to the room, that was not a problem. After the shower was the problem.

Just like Mr. Doom-n-Gloom, Loverman does not take care of himself. Even though he is married, for the last month 5 days a week he has been sleeping at his friends’ house, the other two days he sleeps in his truck (he might sleep at “home” once every other week or so); he pretty much refuses to eat his veggies or fruits and he barely eats one meal a day. When I “picked” Loverman, he wasn’t like that.

Loverman got out of the shower and told me he felt like he was having an “episode”. That means he feels like his heart is stopping and he feels like he’s going to pass out. He started looking for his aspirin because, for some reason, he thinks that’s some kind of magic fix. He forgot to bring it. So, I offered to go out and get him some.

He told me not to.

I did anyway.

I also got him two corn dogs because, lucky for me, the Quik Trip across the street had the aspirin and I thought maybe he was hungry or his blood sugar was fucked up.

When I got back to the room he was curled up on the far side of the bed, still wrapped in his towel.

It’s 11PM, skating starts at midnight. *sigh* I told him to lie down in the bed and eat his corn dogs. I tried to be nice, seriously I did. But, I am always so afraid of saying anything that might piss him off, I think I tried to hard.

We got into an argument about who was going skating and who wasn’t. It was a stupid, ugly argument. I just wanted to run away the entire time we were talking. And I just kept talking and talking and making it worse.a

But, I was already very hurt and super disappointed and really wanted to go skating and have fun. So, I said “You lay here and get better. I’m going to get ready and go skating.”

That was the biggest mistake I could have made. I should have just waited for him to fall asleep and then go skating by myself, but I had to say those stupid words out loud and now he was upset. I saw his disappointment on his face as soon as I said it.

He answered, “I’m going skating with you then. I know how you want to go and check out the other guys.”

I was fuming, “If this is just going to be another hurtful jealous fest, I don’t even want to go.”

Eventually we went skating. He won the fucking argument. Maybe I will tell you more about it later.

I tried to have fun skating, but it really seemed like Loverman was trying to piss me off. Every time I tried to talk to him he just snarked back at me — I have a feeling it will be like that again today (see? Setting up my day for failure).

However, our attitudes are completely irrelevant at this point. I wouldn’t have had fun skating anyway — even if Loverman and I weren’t fighting — I didn’t like the music. It was like the DJ took all the songs and made them one song — the beat never changed, the music never changed…. And, to make things worse, it was all kissy-sweet romantic couples music…

Also, the very worst thing about this stupid-ass weekend, is he got me (Vanilla, really) all wound up on the car ride here. Right now (and last night) I am all sexual tension with no hope of release. I tried to get off this morning, but I really wanted it to be with Loverman so it didn’t work. It felt good, but no happy ending.

And I didn’t bring my vibrator (because I didn’t think I would need it… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! Fucking-HA!).

Sexual_Frustration_by_PeopleEveryday

Sexual Frustration
by PeopleEveryday

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