Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

The End?

Loverman dropped me off at almost midnight Sunday night (almost two days early) and he took the catalytic converter (aka = cat) off of my truck, Bear, before he left. I have to pass emissions in January and he has been promising to replace my cat before then. We had a brief conversation about it on the hellishly-uncomfortable drive home.

He left and was supposed to text me when he made it home safe. I wasn’t at all surprised when he didn’t.

While I was getting ready for bed, I emailed Loverman a lightly-edited version of what happened last year. Re-reading it broke my heart; I was hoping that it might stir a little emotion in him as well. I didn’t expect that he would read it for a while (or at all), I just wanted to put it out there, so he could see how *I* remember last year.

I was finally in a peaceful place and relatively comfortable. It wasn’t where I wanted to be, but at least it was comfortable. So, I fell asleep waiting on his text.

I woke up Monday morning and surprised the hell out of my family that I was home. I walked Thing #2 to school because she felt bad for my pathetic self. When Doom-n-Gloom got home from work that morning we talked briefly about why I was home so early. Thing #1 woke up later and we talked about what happened and she put a new perspective on things:

Maybe he was feeling really guilty about disappointing you so much all on the first day and he just couldn’t forgive himself for it. Then, when you didn’t get angry with him, it just festered inside because he had no way to release it.

Such a wise point.

Then, the other day, a friend commented:

I feel like after reading both stories that there is more to this story than either of us may know. Two things come to mind that may be possible…he thinks he knows something, like he saw something on your phone, or somebody told him something… or…There could be another woman. I don’t think it is anything you did, I think there is more to the back story than you may be aware of. That is what my gut is telling me…

NOTE: I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Maybe he found the condoms in my purse. Maybe he got divorce papers from his wife (he no longer has a relationship status on Facebook). Maybe he talked with his Mom about going to KC with me and she said something… I don’t fucking know…

Regardless, if he would have said something, then we could have talked about it.

Then I would at least fucking know…

At 9AM that morning I got a text from Loverman (he is RED and I am BLUE):

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DayAfterTexts_2
That was the end of it.

Thing #1 and I sat and watched some recorded TV shows, I wrote a bit and the day passed uneventfully.

I did a lot of ruminating.

I went out and checked the center console of Bear to get my things and see what “Hawaiian Stuff” he was talking about. (Incidentally, he had found some marijuana ‘wax’ in a parking lot a few days before our sk8-venture. We were going to try it then. I had forgotten about it.)

Also, he left me his spare set of keys to my vehicles. They are were his spare set. They belonged to him. I gave them to him. *sigh*

And he left them for me on his JESUS-fish key chain.

You know…. If the douche-nozzle is trying to tell me something, why the fuck doesn’t he just say it already?!?!

For fuck sakes!

Was that him breaking up with me??? Because it sure as fuck appeared that way to me!

Please help me to understand this!?!

I moved away from the crazy state of Minnesota to get away from innuendo and passive-aggressive bullshit. I’m not going to play games with Loverman, no matter how much I think I love him! No matter how much he wants to!

So…

After no contact for over 2 days, Loverman posts twice on Facebook Wednesday evening.

NOTE: this is something on which I have very strong negative feelings: people airing their personal drama all over Facebook. To me, Facebook is a place where I keep in touch with the people I care about. If I have problems (aka: personal drama) with those people, I take it off-line and communicate with them like we are adults.

Because we ARE adults!

Loverman’s first status update was on his page:

FaceBookDrama_1
“Messed up a little bit”?!?!?! He’s kidding, right?

“My Fault!” ?!?!?! Was that an apology?

Were we even on the same fucking vacation?

Was that his way of saying that *I* fucked it up?!?!

(I hate feeling this way about him, by the way. I used to trust this asshole with my complete and total vulnerability! I think he is still buried somewhere deep down in my heart, but I can’t figure out what in the bloody hell is going on right now. Have I stepped into the Twilight Zone? Did I get hit by a bus and I am currently in a coma and this is all just a horrifically bad dream from which I will wake up and be relieved and thankful?)

He got his ass handed back to him in family comments on that post. Boy, are they angry with him for blowing them off! Especially his two eldest daughters. But, like both of them said, they’re used to it. *smh*

I swear he likes to fuck up so he can have people be angry with him. What the fuck is up with that?!?! For the record, I don’t actually want to be mad at him — it’s just that he was such an epically huge prick this time that it’s difficult to forgive/accept his behavior.

Then he had the balls to post a status update on MY page!!!! He couldn’t call me or text me or write me an email, or even fucking Facebook private message me?!! He has to post his stupid drama on my page; like I am some kind of 14-year-old-girl just like his ass.

FaceBookDrama_2

I haven’t ‘liked’ any updates or comments. I have simply replied, “You’re welcome” to his post on my page.

Maybe you all can provide me with some guidance and enlightenment because, I have no idea what to say.

And, right now, I think I’m okay with that.

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Getting Along With Mother

My mother sent me a bitchy email last Friday. I would like to dissect the hell out of it, starting with “Happy Friday”, but I will refrain.

Moms email

Then I sent one back to her. Not quite as bitchy as hers but definitely upset (you can fill in all but one of the black spots below with Thing #1).

Moms email my response

There is some back story here that you don’t know, but I think this pretty much makes sense without any more context.

She called me back that evening at 6:30 my time. I refused to answer it, because I was still on my commute home, and I had definitely NOT cooled down yet.

She left a message.

If you can’t tell, I really don’t like my mother. Not that it matters, but no one else does either (there’s a blog-troll who lurks around here and she reminds me of my mother)

After I had a more sufficient amount of time to cool off, I left her a voicemail early Sunday afternoon. I wrote it all down before I called her, and I did not deviate from the words I wrote. I said:

I decided to leave you a message today instead of calling you directly because I know that Sunday can be a busy day for you and I didn’t want to interrupt something that you already have going on. Also, I need to tell you that I am still very upset with you about Friday and I don’t think that I am ready to have a conversation with you that is not emotionally charged. Communication with you is very challenging for me because it brings up a lot of past emotions that I would rather leave in the past. But, if you still feel the need to talk to me about this, I will be available this afternoon to take your call.

About 40 minutes later, she called me back. She started off the conversation by apologizing profusely and told me that she was really frustrated with my daughter and it was wrong for her to take those feelings of anger out on me.

Then she said, “Except Thing #1 won’t return my phone calls or talk to me.” (Gee, Mom. I wonder why that is…)

My mother and I have never had a relationship. I will take half of the blame, but she won’t take any. We have just recently been able to act more like mother and daughter in a civil-type way, but it’s very, very difficult and I only do it for HER sake.

Near the end of the conversation, my mom said/asked, “I’ve taken my part and apologized for saying hateful things in the heat of the moment, don’t you regret some of the things you said to me?”

My response was, “No, Mom. I thought really hard about what I was going to say to you both in my email Friday and today while we’ve been talking. I have tried not to be accusatory and I was very honest with you about my feelings.”

“Well, then, I guess there’s nothing left to say.”

“I guess not. Have a good afternoon, Mom.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

(I hate saying those words when I don’t feel them. It makes them completely meaningless.)

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You Think YOUR Kid’s Bathroom Is Messy?!?

Take this, Confessions Of Your Husband’s Mistress!!!

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I am ashamed to say that this is a picture of the current state of my daughters’ bathroom (it’s worse than it looks!). There really is no excuse for this, I know, but this is what it looked like when I walked in there this morning <sigh>.

Once I got over my initial horror, I went out to the kitchen where Thing #1 was packing her lunch (she’s going to Beauty School now — I totally LOVE it!!!) and said to her, “You are going to need to clean that bathroom Saturday morning while I am driving your dad and Thing #2 around running errands. It’s totally disgusting in there!”

Her response was, “I will be asleep Saturday morning.”

OMG! What candor! “Um… Okay, sweetie, then I guess you will be cleaning it Saturday afternoon. You can clean it Friday night after I fall asleep. I don’t really care, as long as it doesn’t look like that before we go skating Sunday morning!”

That was it. I went to work and she went to school. Tonight I will be out for my “date night” with Loverman, so this will be revisited with her again Thursday and Friday mornings. Hopefully this time, when she gets the bathroom clean (she’s pretty good at it, once she actually does it!) it will stay that way — like the closet that she cleaned out a while back…

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It’s Graduating Time!

Thing #1 is graduating next Monday: 7 days from now.

That is not the part that blows my mind. I am ready for her being all grown up and for her to hit the ground running. What I am not ready for is that my parents and Mr. Doom-n-Gloom‘s parents will be coming out here to celebrate with us — all at the same time!

My parents and his parents do not get along. HIS parents are extreme left-wing “hippies” and MY parents are extreme right-wing “reactionists”. They have really only spoken a few times and both sides had choice words about the other after we separated, on all occasions.

Also, my parents know nothing about Mr. Doom-n-Gloom’s kidney disease and I haven’t told them about my dentures. You see, I don’t talk to my parents. I moved 1,000 miles away from them for a reason! They are super-hyper critical: I’ve never been good enough for them AND, they really didn’t want me to marry the man I married (now I wish I maybe had listened to them a little more about him).

My mother and I have a better relationship now that I live so far away. It seems that the actual physical distance has helped her learn to distance herself emotionally, too. But, my father hasn’t really spoken more than a few words to me since I moved here 5.5 years ago.

My parents get here Friday afternoon and his parents get here sometime on Saturday. I know nothing about what his parents have planned or what the husband has planned for them. The last time I asked him if he had any plans for the weekend, he said “My parents are adults, they can figure out what they want to do.” After that lovely and hospitable response, I stopped asking him what their plans were. But, it’s coming down to the wire now and I still don’t know what he’s doing for Mother’s Day or how they are planning on getting to graduation next Monday evening!

I am pretty upset at his reticence about this whole deal. Why can’t he just tell me what’s going on? It’s not like I am asking him to DO anything!! Just communicate with me, muther-fucker! I don’t give a flying fuck that he is being a bad host to his parents, THEY are the ones who raised him to be that way… But, I do give a shit that he is treating me like this. Maybe *I* have something planned that I have been trying to tell him about but he won’t listen… He didn’t even know that next Sunday was Mother’s Day until I told him 4 times and MADE him repeat the words to me!

I am afraid that Mr. Doom-n-Gloom and his highness’s douche-y-ness will spoil any fun that could be had. And this weekend is really supposed to be about my oldest daughter. I hope that I am seeing the worst case scenario here… Maybe he can be a better person and put his butt-hurt-15-year-old-teenage-girl-self away for 4 goddamn days!!!

We’ll see…

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Yesterday’s talk with the daughter

Yesterday’s conversation with Thing #1 about the lying and the skipping class went well. I found out that she doesn’t want to go to college — which is fine, I just wish she would have told me that a few weeks ago when we were talking about that exact thing. Also, it’s good because her English grades for the last 3 years are so crappy…

Now that I know what’s going on in her head we can move on with this. She knows that she was wrong for lying and using me to get her out of her first hour class. She knows that I am disappointed in her and that, for right now, my trust in her is devastated. We discussed how she would be able to “make it right” and I took absolutely none of her excuses seriously. We talked about restoring trust and why it’s more important to tell the truth no matter what!

I was going to throw her a Roller Skating party for her Graduation/Birthday (her birthday is in June so it works out pretty nicely), but I had to tell her that I can’t throw that party for her now. It was her turn to be devastated, so we worked out a deal. She has a chance to get that party back if she can pull her F in English up to a C by the time she graduates (2 months). That was agreeable, but I think she might be agreeing to everything I am saying right now just because she doesn’t want to make me any more angry/upset.

Tonight I am in a much more peaceful place and I am going to talk to her again. Yesterday, I told her that because I was so upset I would have continue our talk today. I didn’t want to say or do anything that I would regret. In the heat of the moment I am very good at saying things that ought not be said.

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People Change

change word cloud

Here’s my bright light for this morning…

I don’t talk about my parents very much. We are very, very different people. I don’t like how they raised me and they don’t like person that I have become. In fact, getting away from them is something that I didn’t realize I needed to do until I moved far, far away from them.

But, recently, my mother seems to be making a very nice effort of trying to be a nurturing mother.

I was afraid to tell her that I broke my ankle… It’s unfortunate, but I let people’s words get to me, and my parents were not (shall we say) very good self-esteem builders. They would say things that would make everything seem like it was my fault — like each time something went wrong, I was the cause of the wrongness. That can get to a kid after a while…

So, I waited to call and tell her that I had broken my ankle until the day before my surgery (5 days after I had broken it). Listening to her talk over the phone, I could tell that she was hurt because I waited so long to tell her. Truth be told, I didn’t want her to come out here and start “helping” me — she’s getting better at being a mom, but I am just not that ready yet. She was awesome on that call — she said everything I would have said to one of my daughters if it happened to one of them and I regretted (a little bit) waiting to tell her.

She’s been great through this (even though it has only been 19 days). She’s checking up on my progress regularly, but not annoyingly so. And she does seem genuinely concerned that I am hurt and that I am upset. In the “olden days” I would have been told to “buck it up, it’s not that bad. There are plenty of people out there that have it worse than you.” In fact, when I sprained my ankle in High School and the doctor told me not to walk on it for 2 weeks and prescribed me Codeine, my parents took away my pain medication and flushed it down the toilet because they “didn’t want me to become an addict.” Then, my mother told me that I needed to start walking on it the next day or it would never get better (amazingly, that is NOT the ankle that I just broke!).

Anyway, I wanted to share with you the wonderful tidbit that was waiting for me in my in-box this morning 🙂 because it is absolutely nothing like my mother used to be and reading her words made me feel better (for the first time I can remember).

Here is the email that I wrote to her last night telling her what happened at the Dr. yesterday and the day before:

Hi, Mom

The appointment went good and bad.

GOOD: I got a walking cast under the condition that I NOT WALK ON IT until they tell me it’s okay. I agreed — that was an easy one. The cast comes off so I can wash my leg and I can take a shower — this weekend we’re going to the thrift store to see if we can find a shower chair for me so we don’t have to worry about my slipping and breaking it again (or something else). This made me very excited until…

BAD: I had to get an ultrasound and I have a blood clot in my left leg. So, today I had to go to my GP and get a couple of prescriptions for blood thinners. I have to give myself shots in the belly twice a day for the next 5-7 days, until my Coumadin levels are high enough. Then I am supposed to be taking Coumadin once a day for a year until the Doctor tells me I’m okay. I get to go in and have my blood levels tested 2-3 times a week. Yay! I’m not old enough to be this old yet, am I?

We are so broke right now! The shots cost $100 WITH my insurance (they would have been $900 otherwise – OMG!), every doctor I have to go to is a new co-pay <sigh>.

AFLAC won’t let me process the claim until all of my “treatments” are done (including physical therapy) so my hands are tied until next March or April.

I’m not feeling any holiday spirit, Mom. I am crabby and angry and short-tempered and every time I start to feel a little better because I had a good day (which isn’t happening very often any more) something happens that makes me feel like it was stupid to waste my time feeling happy.

I’m sorry this was such a crabby letter. I am sad and frustrated and very discouraged. I don’t have very much happiness to share right now…
(Yay, I got a walking cast!)

Love,
XXXXX

And this was her loving and understanding response:

I bet it feels good to take the cast off, if only for a shower!  Good girl for following dr’s orders.  I know what a pain it is to be taking a blood thinner.  I’ve done the shots before, did they tell you there so it gets into your system faster. Also, you will bruise more & it might be harder to stop bleeding from a cut, i.e.shaving.  🙂   Plus, it’s a pain in the rump to have to go in to have your level tested.  I’ve been doing my own testing now for a couple of years.  I do it just like testing my glucose.  They’ll probably have you take an aspirin a day after all of this.  Which isn’t a bad idea just generally.  What made them suspect the clot?
 
I’m sure you will, but keep really good records of all your expenses for when you can file a claim.  Just try to dwell on the good things that happen even though it’s easy for

Floral Corner

everything else to get you down.  When you get on the other side of all this something will stand out, but I know that’s really hard to see now.

 

I love you and am praying for a full & complete mending of your ankle so you can be back skating this summer.  Hang in there & I’m attaching a huge hug!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I wish I could give it to you in person.
 
mom
What loving and wonderful words to say to your daughter. They made me cry happy tears.
That letter made my day!

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