Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes



Late Wednesday evening last week, Mick said something in an email that set me off. I don’t even know what it was that got me.

Maybe I was looking for an excuse to be angry with him or pick a fight… I don’t honestly know… Any enlightenment you can offer on the subject will be welcomed.

Hi baby doll,

I am so looking forward to tomorrow night. As always. Whether I am wailing on you or stroking you or just talking, I really like to be with you.

There are so many things that I want to know about you. I am not sure if you are ready to tell me yet. I know you are trying to not get too attached. I get that. There are things about me that I am not sure you want to know either. I have been having some random thoughts today and wanted to write some of them down. Your question at lunch yesterday was interesting how you posed it. [I asked if he was going to be able to keep up with me.] I am concerned about the age difference because it is more than I have been apart from anyone I have been with. I have not exactly been easy on my body through the years and I am concerned that I may not be able to keep you happy in a few years. Not just sexually, but in all aspects. I know that you have already made some “sacrifice” to be with me now. I don’t want you to have to keep making them for me. I want to make you happy for many, many years. I am pretty sure you are deserving of that. I am starting to think of my own mortality and don’t want people to sacrifice for me. I have lived most of my life believing that I need to sacrifice for others to try and repay for my past. I am in somewhat of a quandary and don’t know what to do. Let’s talk about this soon. Doesn’t have to be tomorrow. Just know that this is on my mind a lot, just as I think about how you make me feel is on my mind a lot.

Hope you had a good skate tonight. I want to come watch you sometime, but not sure if I should. I am doing my best to respect your position of not getting too attached.

Just kind of rambling now. Sleep well my sweet kitten and I will see you in dreamland. Read the rest of this entry »


Would You Fight for Me?

It seems like, when I choose a ‘partner’, I pick men who are emotionally unavailable – whether I know they are or not.

They used to be men who wouldn’t even take care of me, let alone “fight for me”. In fact, when I actually started needing my partner to be present in the relationship, neither of my long-term relationships lasted at all. Both of them discarded me easily when I started needing them as much as they needed me.

I hoped that this time, with TC, I chose differently.


I want this more than words can express. But, is it possible that I do things to ensure my relationships won’t work?

Read the rest of this entry »


This Is How It Is Until I Know Otherwise

His phone has gone directly to voicemail all day.

So, this is probably how it is — even though my ultra-fucked-up emotions are trying to tell me otherwise.

He doesn’t have his phone charger and his phone died.

He will be waiting at the normally-agreed-upon waiting spot within 60 minutes of the loosely set meeting time (6PM).

Just because you started letting yourself trust and need him doesn’t mean he is immediately going to let you down. Especially not on purpose!

Every single other time it has been something reasonable.

And I freak out before I even know what the fuck.

I’m trying to calm myself by reminding myself that everything is always okay.

That I am too fatalistic and I overreact to the extreme.

Stop freaking out!

If he is not there by 7PM, then I can allow myself to think about starting to freak out.

Three more hours, possibly less, and I will (most likely) be reassured that everything is okay.

I shouldn’t be wasting all this time tossing around garbage thoughts in my head.

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