Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

The Beginning of the End

Read Part 1 here

Anyway, Sunday night “Good nights” were crap.

While I was in the air on my way home from my first trip to see him, TC had been reading my blog. He read the table of contents – more precisely the “Other ‘Other’ Men” page (which was temporarily removed… Too little too late. I know. The damage had already been done…). I went to bed completely hating on myself.

After such an awesome weekend with him, I wanted to have some time to swoon. But instead, this.

Therefore, Monday morning sucked. To make it worse, on top of my hating myself, TC avoided me all day long. He didn’t respond to my messages on Facebook and I think I even sent him a text. I tried to stay positive, though. Reminding myself that he has two jobs and a daughter; eventually that all has to factor in. I got used to his attention daily when, in reality, he has much more important things to deal with than me.

I felt so yucky Monday afternoon that I almost called to cancel a job interview I had scheduled for Tuesday morning. But I didn’t. Read the rest of this entry »

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Making Up

TakeAway

Monday evening TC and I finally talked.

I didn’t want to go any longer without talking because every day that went by was making me panic more and more.

Also, there is the fact that I am supposed to be visiting him next Friday. That was freaking me out most of all.

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A Bone

Last night TC tossed me a bone, but I was so busy freaking out and trying to get him to talk to me that I didn’t see it.

I didn’t see it because he sent me the message on Facebook and I haven’t been communicating with him that way this week — it’s been text, email and Twitter. Also, I don’t have a smart phone, so I don’t get any beeps or signals that I have received a message/status update/etc. Unless you text or call me, you pretty much have to wait until I log into my laptop – and then to Facebook. TC is aware of this.

And I was using Twitter because he is my Twitter crush and that’s where we met…

I am sure there is something subconscious in there that wanted me to take our disagreement to a more “virtual” platform: like Twitter, where we started off anonymously, instead of Facebook where we are both real.

Or, maybe I wanted to take it there because that was our initial forum, where we first got to know each other…

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Fear and Excuses

“Do you think I am an automaton? — a machine without feelings? and can bear to have my morsel of bread snatched from my lips, and my drop of living water dashed from my cup? Do you think, because I am poor, obscure, plain, and little, I am soulless and heartless? You think wrong! — I have as much soul as you — and full as much heart! And if God had gifted me with some beauty and much wealth, I should have made it as hard for you to leave me, as it is now for me to leave you. I am not talking to you now through the medium of custom, conventionalities, nor even of mortal flesh: it is my spirit that addresses your spirit; just as if both had passed through the grave, and we stood at God’s feet, equal — as we are!”
Charlotte Brontë, Jane Eyre

All I am hearing from you is fear and excuses. Are you even attempting to understand what I am trying to say?!?

I am trying to love you!

I’m scared, too. I was scared of being vulnerable and letting you in, but now that I have, I’m scared of losing you.

I am trying to give you forgiveness, openness, honesty, gentleness and love. With all of my being I want to fight back and say mean things that hurt you and make you cry. I want your heart to bleed as mine is, but that is just plain mean and I don’t feel like being mean. I care about you.

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Replies

listen

I have to confess that I am terribly hurt by TC’s response to my email. I spent all day Tuesday thinking about how I wanted explain my feelings to him. I didn’t want to be hurtful, just honest. Admittedly, my note originally started off as a bulleted list, but ultimately I decided THAT WOULD BE TOO FUCKING BITCHY.

Regardless, here is TC’s very simple and brief reply. Nothing less and nothing more than a bulleted fucking list

ToMe2

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Our First Fight

without

Ha ha ha. How cute, right?

Not!

Last Saturday night, while we were talking, TC confessed that he owed me an apology for thinking that I was a wimp (whiny pee-pee head is the word he used) when I was complaining about the heat in Houston on my first day there. I haven’t really made a big deal about this here but, over a week later, I am still reeling from the heat rash it gave me – I have complained to him a couple of minor times about it since I got home…

Anyway, even though he very sincerely apologized for thinking I was a whiny pee-pee head, I couldn’t shake it from my head all day Sunday and all day Monday. The fact is, until he told me that, I thought he was fine with me and the thought never even occurred to me that he would think I’m a pussy!

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