Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Work and Sex Don’t Mix?

Sex on Desk

There’s a gentleman at work. He’s one of our agents and works as an independent contractor. He doesn’t come into the office very often, but we talk on the phone quite a bit.

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Two Faces of Jealousy

two_or_one_facesIf I had a dollar for every time I have said “I wish you were mine” to Loverman, we would be thousand-aires.

I think about jealousy and my affair a lot. Because I care so much about Loverman and I only get to spend a limited amount of time with him, there are times when I am extremely jealous (rather resentful, really) of the people who DO get to be with him regularly.

So, here’s the deal: maybe sometimes jealousy isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Yes, there are types of jealousy that are bad (the green monster kind), especially when we act on that jealousy, but I think that sometimes my jealousy can be a catalyst that helps me see myself more clearly… It also helps me to realize how strong my feelings really are towards Loverman. Sometimes my jealousy can even ground me a little because I can see that I am being silly and irrational.

Maybe this is one of those times:

This morning Loverman sent out a message on Facebook. It was a cute and simple message and he only sent it to 5 people, but ONE of them is this girl who skates with us (that I totally think wants to steal him from me — and I don’t usually feel that way) and flirts with him in a way that I feel is inappropriate, especially when she does it right in front of his “girlfriend” (lover, other woman, I don’t care what you call me). I have frequently thought about asking him to un-friend her, but just as many times, I realized it would be selfish. He and I have talked about her in the past — it was right after I broke my ankle last year and she was flirting with him something fierce RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, she even bought him a pair of earrings (but that’s beyond the point) — and he told me that I was being silly, that she was just a friend. I know that I was (and that I am) being silly, but I think that when my spidey-senses start to tingle, I need to listen to them.

I know Loverman won’t mess around with her. I know he’s “too old” and that his life is complicated enough without adding a rebellious 20-year-old preacher’s daughter to the mix! Also, she’s a very loudly self-proclaimed virgin until marriage, at least she was the last time she was screaming it to me at the skating rink over loud music. I’m just saying: “Loverman isn’t going to dump his wife, and then me, just so he can chastely hang out with her pristine ass while she dick-teases him all night long.” I am NOT saying that Loverman is all about sex — he isn’t — I just wonder what her agenda really is. Is it just flirting? Hmmm….

I can’t ask him to un-friend her, he probably appreciates the attention of this lovely young woman. Who am I to deprive him of that? *I* am self-indulgent in that respect (I love to flirt), how can I deny him that same innocent pleasure without being a total hypocritical bitch-face? Nothing is going to happen, and (here’s where the “good” jealousy kicks in) the sex is just going to be that much better when we’re finally together again: #1 – we’re both super horny because all we’ve been thinking about it for so long, and #2 – HE  PICKED ME (need I say more?!?)!!

In this case, I’m not even sure that what I am feeling is jealousy. I am jealous of his wife (though not so much any more), I am jealous of his long-time friends (because he stays over at their house and they get to see him more often), I am jealous of his bowling league (because I suck at bowling and can’t join them) but I don’t think I am jealous of this girl. Maybe incensed is a better word for how I feel, or peeved, or maybe even disrespected. I don’t know, maybe you can help me think of one…

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Can We Say Impulse Control?!?!

I’m a moron! I did it again! Well, I didn’t really do it, but I made someone think that I might. Why is it that when boys flatter me I completely lose control of my sensibilities!?

I belong to a few Roller Skating groups in Facebook and this guy in one of those groups really thinks that I am the bee’s knees. I love flattery (maybe because I didn’t get many compliments when I was growing up, I don’t know) and I can’t seem to resist a guy who likes to talk dirty to me and tell me how beautiful I am (for the record, Loverman did not seek me out. I REALLY wanted him! And now he frequently validates my sexuality very well — and talks dirty to me!). Both times Dude and I talked, I maintained that I am in a very happy relationship and I am extremely satisfied with my lover (I like him so much I wish I could have him more!).

After our second conversation, I briefly talked to his roommate and asked him if Dude was a player. He candidly responded, “He’s a man. Of course he’s a player. I’m a player. But skating is my real girl.”

So, Dude was supposed to call me tonight. I am hoping that he got the hint when I kept telling him “I am really a flirt, I love the attention and the flattery, but I really really like my boyfriend. My sexy baby takes very good care of me and he trusts me.” Still, this gentleman was very persistent and insisted that I should talk to him later about it and that he would call me at 7 (4+ hours ago). He hasn’t called yet (Whew! Crisis averted?). Maybe his roommate told him to lay off.

Those words being said, this is what I want to say to him (really, really) if we talk again because I can control my impulsive self, goddammit!!! (and I really do love my Loverman!)

(and, yes, I know that if I truly was gifted in the craft of impulse control, I would just not answer the phone, but I think I would kind of like to know what it feels like to have someone “fight for me”. Just for a little while. Is that so bad?)

I shouldn’t have teased you. I got you all got and bothered and worked up, but the fact is: I got a man. He makes me very happy, almost all the time (which is all anyone can really hope for). 5 years ago I fought to get this man, 2-1/2 years later he left me, and 5 months after that he let me back in. He was a very broken man and I spent a lot of my time and patience showing him and waiting for him to understand that I wasn’t out to hurt him. I waited and waited and waited for this special man to let me in to his innermost thoughts (and I got to meet his mom and I know his brother…) and it would be very shitty of me to turn around and fuck someone else because I can’t keep my pussy tucked in my pants.

I am sorry if my flirting led you to believe that we could actually have a “thing”. The flirting and sexting is very flattering (and panty-moistening) but, after I thought about it on my way home, I realize that I can’t betray my sexy Loverman like that: just for a quick roll in the sack with a stranger for the thrill of it. My relationship with him is so important to me. During the time he was gone from me I could barely go from one day to the next. I can’t even imagine trying to get through the rest of my life feeling that same emptiness.

We could possibly skate together, but it would have to be with my Loverman, too. We both skate together all the time and if I was seen “skating with another man” I am pretty sure I know how it would make him feel — and he would definitely find out about it! I know how it would make me feel if the tables were turned… How would you feel if you found out your girl was out screwing around with someone else?

I am sorry, Dude. We can be “skate friends”, but not the rest…

I MEAN IT!

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Flattered?

Inside my head I have tossed about whether or not I want to share this story with people. To this day I haven’t told a single person because I am ashamed to admit what happened and how I feel about it now. But, if I really am treating this like my diary and I am laying it open for strangers to read me and judge me and maybe help me understand me (and hopefully other people) a little more, I should probably tell you that I made a choice 2 summers ago that was a horrible, horrible choice.

I messed around with a 25-year-old boy.

I’ve always been a flirt, it’s fun, but no one has ever taken me seriously before, especially guys I worked with (except my Loverman – I actually wanted him and flirting with him was completely and utterly different)!

So… Young Man and I were both at the same holiday work party and we had both been drinking a little.
(FYI – Loverman hadn’t been talking to me for about 8 weeks at this point. He was being petty about something I said when I was frustrated with him. So he was refusing to talk to me in any way, shape or form. That was a very low time for me – I don’t like looking back ot how hurt and confused and lost I was. Anyway…)
Young Man’s face got kind of close to mine… There was some heavy breathing… Hands may have wandered up my shirt… My hand may have grabbed onto something rising up in his pants…  But, that was all it was! Drinking and flirting and touching — still wrong, I know…

The next night we worked together I talked to Young Man about it. Told him that there was no way that it would be any more than that one night and that one time. Well, because we worked together, he had my phone number and he sold really good smoke so I had his number…

But… Things started getting extremely awkward with him so I stopped getting my smoke from him and I asked him to stop calling/texting me. I even tried scare tactics (because sometimes the truth is very scary):

  • I told him that the dentist had to pull all except for 8 of my teeth
  • I told him that I had another seizure and I wasn’t allowed to drive any more
  • I told him that my husband is super sick and getting weekly dialysis treatments

The calls and texts stopped for a few months — I thought he had lost interest (maybe he had a girlfriend) — WOO HOO!  Then, one day out of the blue he texted me, to tell me where his new apartment was — YAY! across the fucking apartment complex from mine! Oh, Shit! Luck really would have it that he would move here, of all places! His last apartment wasn’t even close to my neighborhood, and he liked it there – WTF!?!?

I never told him where I lived.

I am flattered, to say the least. Creepified, to say the most.

I don’t think that he chose his apartment knowing that I live there – I think it’s just a very very creepy coincidence (probably life’s funny way of reminding me to be way more careful!). Also, I can’t understand his persistence. I am very flattered, but what the hell is it about me? Is it that he can’t have me? Because if he could, I think he would be sorely disappointed with my 40-year-old, stretched-out, wrinkly, saggy body (at least that’s what I would expect a 27-year-old to think). And I am even more sure that there are plenty of ladies out there that are my age that actually want to screw a 27-year-old!

Plus, he is completely clueless about when to call, how to act and what to say when he does call. He gets offended and sends me a rude text if I don’t pick up the phone or respond to him immediately. I have told him more than once that I am a mother of two teenage girls and I am very careful about what I say and how I act around them. Also, he knows that I am married. So, why he expects that I can have a sexual conversation with him at 6PM while normal families are eating dinner is completely beyond me.

I am relieved that this only happens a couple of days a month and he stops after I answer him and say “no, we can’t do this”. But then, he’s back at it again in a couple of weeks! He’s nothing if he isn’t persistent.

It’s all very surreal, because I certainly don’t consider myself to be a “cougar” or a “MILF”. I do think that I am an attractive and, at times, extremely sexy woman – but a “cougar”?!?!…

Flirting with him, leading him on, touching him and letting him touch me.
WOW! Bad choice, bad choice, bad choice. Complete lack of good judgement on my part (or any judgement at all, really). I had no idea I had so much power! Shit!

I understand that this is kind of pretty serious, but it’s crazy funny to me.

I don’t want to have sex with that boy! I want him to leave me alone. Every time I tell him that it can’t work. I am too old. I am busy enough and complicated enough already. It seems like he becomes more intrigued.

But this boy’s antics make me feel so horribly, horribly good and I kind of don’t want him to stop.

How bad is that?

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