Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

It’s Too Complicated


Perfectly said…

A lot happened over my weekend.

All of it was emotional.

None of it was earth-shattering –  even though it may have seemed so at the time (and possibly a little bit still on Monday).

Thursday and Sunday were emotionally taxing on the Mick front: Thursday he had an “episode” (flashback) and, after waiting two days to discuss it in person, Sunday we met up to talk about it and us. (Mick and I have an agreement that feelings should always be discussed in person, unless it just isn’t practical.)

But those are different posts for different days.

This post is about last Friday night with Alaska.

Read the rest of this entry »



Quite a few times now I have sat down to write all of the things that are happening to me… All the feelings that are going on inside of me…

The words just don’t flow. I feel like I am staggering drunkenly across the page each time I scrawl something new (and that’s a challenge because I’m typing. hehehe…).

Read the rest of this entry »


“Monday Morning”

One of my very favorite songs…

by Fleetwood Mac

Monday morning you sure look fine
Friday I got travelin’ on my mind
First you love me, then you fade away
I can’t go on believin’ this way
I got nothing but love for you
So tell me what you really want to do
First you love me then you get on down the line
But I don’t mind, I don’t mind

I’ll be there if you want me to
No one else that could ever do
Got to get some peace in my mind
Monday morning you look so fine
Friday I got travelin’ on my mind
First you love me, then you say it’s wrong
I can’t go on believing for long

But you know it’s true
You only want me when I get over you
First you love me then you get on down the line
But I don’t mind, I don’t mind
I’ll be there if you want me to
No one else that could ever do
Got to get some peace in my mind



Last Friday

(First off, I want to tell you that I had an amazing weekend with TC. Absolutely amazing!

But I like telling a story and it seems that I have a tendency to be long-winded, *per one of my readers* so I am going to be just that: starting with the beginning of my day Friday all the way through until TC left (way too soon) on Sunday morning. Ummm… but not all in this post…

There were some seriously mind-blowing times, so I might accidentally leave some things out. That does *NOT* mean I didn’t enjoy every single moment. I am still savoring them all. Every. Single. One.)

Read the rest of this entry »


Spring Sk8 Jam Sacramento

Oh my goodness! Last weekend was amazing! There aren’t even words to express the amount of fun that I had.

It was great that I brought Thing #1 instead of (pretty much) anyone else. We had such a good time, I can barely figure out what to write!!


Rather than going over the minute and pesky travel details with you (because everything went so smoothly), I’ll just get to the good part.

Thursday night we drove to Stockton to a place called Residence Rink. When we got to the address on the directions, it seemed strange: it was a house in the middle of a residential area. As we drove by the first time, both Thing #1 and I thought, This seems more like a house party. There appeared to be bouncers in the parking lot, and the ‘parking lot’ really wasn’t much more than a drive-through driveway. We doubled-back when we saw the DJ’s bus stopped at a gas station and decided to follow them.

The bus drove back to the exact place where we had just been. We parked on the street (because that was the only parking available) and discussed it for a minute. We even called 411 to call the place and talk to a person. 411 had no record of a roller skating rink in Stockton, CA.

So, because the scene seemed kinda fishy and both of us are too shy for our own good, we decided just to return to the hotel…

It turns out that it’s a legitimate rink.

Friday night at the warm-up roll, I talked to one of the hosts. Someone converted their upstairs into a roller skating rink. It’s small, but it has a great wooden floor and people go there all the time. I mentioned that I wished we had known that – if we had, we would have know better and gone in and skated…

Friday we woke up and got groceries. Then, in the afternoon we took a country drive, sat in the shade by the hotel pool and rested to get ready for 5 hours of roller skating that night from Midnight to 5AM.

Thing #1 tried to keep up. She really did! But, after her first 3 hours, she was totally beat. Regardless, she endured until 4AM the first night. I am so proud of her!!

We got back to the hotel and fell into our beds around 5AM Saturday morning. I was only able to sleep for a couple of hours (that’s how I get on these sk8ventures) but I didn’t wake up Thing #1 until about an hour before it was time to leave for the picnic.

The food was amazing and the music rocked! TwoRaw Skate Club knows how to host a party!!
(BTW – If you ever want a really hoppin’ picnic, make sure you hire a DJ, yo!)

Saturday night skating was amazing!!!!!!!!!!!! There were a couple of groups that drove up from Los Angeles and I got to see some friends I met in Phoenix back in February who I wasn’t expecting to get to see…


I am so proud of myself!! Normally I wouldn’t put myself out there and talk to new people. Normally I am a wallflower who just observes quietly. But last weekend I went around introducing myself to strangers and meeting Facebook friends I had never met in person… It totally paid off. I met some great new people who are practically famous in the Skate Community and I got to add them onto my ever-growing skate family!

Sunday afternoon there was bowling, but we decided not to go.

Thing #1 was so sore and tired. I let her sleep late into the afternoon and the she took a hot bath to relax.

When it came time for the cool-down skate at 10PM Sunday night she simply couldn’t find the energy to go. And her body hurt so bad…

But *I* went! (Of course! Did you expect anything less?!)

Most of the out-of-towners had left; there were only a few stragglers from Los Angeles. None of my Skate Family… 😦

Because of that, it was interesting skating the final night. The only people who even acknowledged that I was there were the skate hosts (who were wondering where my partner went) and the out-of-towners. No matter, though. It was a really peaceful and quiet night. I skated the entire 3 hours.

The floor was so smooth, I didn’t want to stop rolling…

And now, here’s a video of the picnic and Saturday Night’s Main Event made by my friend Jamal!


Monday Motivation: Promises

If you make them

Keep them


Last week, Scorpio was supposed to call me before Wednesday night to confirm our date.

He didn’t.

I wasn’t surprised or angry, but I was disappointed.

He promised he wouldn’t forget.

And, technically, he didn’t. He called me while I was driving home from work Wednesday night and asked, “Are we still on for tonight?”

I expected this actually, so my response was easy, “I was waiting to hear back from you and when you didn’t confirm, I didn’t know if I should plan anything for us.”

He thought about it for a second and then replied, “Oh, yeah. You’re totally right. I’m really sorry I forgot.”

“It’s okay,” and then I said, playfully, “It’s your loss.”

“I know, huh,” he acknowledged. “Where are you right now?”

“I’m on my way home from work,” then I told him my actual location in traffic. “Where are you right now?” I asked.

“Downtown,” then he told me the cross-streets, “I just got off work and I thought, if we were going to do something tonight, maybe you could pick me up. But, since I forgot to confirm with you, I’ll just take the bus.”

I had an idea. “Well, I’m in a good place to come pick you up and give you a ride home? That way I could see you tonight anyway. Even if it’s just for a little while. Does that sound like something you could go for?”

“That would be really awesome!”

“Okay. It will take me like 30 minutes to get there, okay?”

“Okay, beautiful. Thank you!”

We discussed exactly where he was and where we would meet. He explained to me that his phone was dying and our call might get disconnected.

It didn’t then, but it did die before I tried to call him back later.

When he wasn’t where we had agreed he would wait.

Big fucking surprise, right?

Finally, as I’m putting money in the meter, he wanders out of the building where he was working, “Hey, babe. Have you been waiting long?”

“Yeah. About 15 minutes. I’ve been wandering around looking for you.”

“Sorry about that,” he said. “I was upstairs talking to the security guard and I didn’t see you pull up.”

“Okay, cool. I’m glad you’re still here and didn’t leave.” (I was only like 10% mad at this point – mildly irritated, I guess. Or incensed.)

(But, Seriously! OMFG!! He knew I was coming, and that his phone was dying, and he didn’t wait in the lobby by the windows like we had planned. Sound like Loserman a little? *sigh*))

We hugged and he put his stuff in the back seat then asked if we could walk down to 7-11, he wanted to pick up a Black & Mild.

“Sure, no problem,” I said. Because it wasn’t. There was money in the meter and it was a nice evening. He put his arm out and we strolled arm-in-arm one block to the 7-11.

After all that was over and we were on the road, Scorpio said, “Okay. I know you’re going to laugh at me because I keep asking this, but what day are we leaving on that skate trip?”

He was right. I did laugh. I laughed because I have told him every single time that I have seen him for the last two months that it’s over Valentine’s weekend – we’ll be leaving really early on the morning of Friday the 13th. I even printed out the flyers for it and gave them to him!

After I was done with my giggle-fit, I explained it to him all over again. Then I looked him straight in the eyes and asked, “Are you still going to go on this trip with me?”

“Of course I am,” He replied.

I asked again, “Are you sure? If you cancelled at the last minute it would totally suck.”

“Yeah, babe. I’m still planning on going with you,” he reassured me.

(He sure doesn’t seem very excited about it. Don’t other people get excited about going on vacation?! Or is it just me?!?!?!)

We talked some more about what time we need to leave on Friday morning, what time the Friday night rooftop party starts, what we were going to wear…

I asked him if he would be able to help me check out the car (Breezy) on Sunday afternoon (yesterday) to make sure he was ready for the long drive.

He said that he thought he would be able to because he would already be working on a friend’s car Sunday, too.

But he would get back to me Saturday night for sure.

He promised.

I said, “Don’t forget about me this time,” then I winked at him and leaned in for a kiss.

He returned my kiss and reassured me, “I won’t forget this time. I promise. Cross my heart.”

“Okay,” I was satisfied. We talked a little more, he went into his house and I returned home.


He forgot about me Saturday night.


Nope. Not any more. It seems I am very forgettable!


Sunday I did the oil change and checked fluids on Breezy with Thing #1.

Here’s what *I* have to say about promises today:






You Might Be Asking “Where Did Mr. X Go?”



I’m wondering that myself. I kind of miss him.

Here is what I do know:

  • He accepted a new and better position at work which changed his hours. Making it practically impossible for us to coordinate “together time”.
  • His grandmother died a couple of weeks ago and he has been taking care of family business.

The last time I saw him was Friday, January 9th. I sat on his lap in the back seat of my car and we talked oh-so-comfortably about some not-so-comfortable things. We kissed, the windows steamed up, but all our clothes stayed on.

At the beginning of the following week, he mentioned while we were talking that he hoped to see me briefly that Thursday afternoon.

… and that he loved me (in the way you love a friend – like concern, you know?)

I told him that I wasn’t ready to say that yet and he was okay with it. Totally understanding of it, as a matter of fact.

… and that he was really horny.

Which is when I told him I was jealous that he can just go home to his wife for that release while I wait and wait and wait for him to have time for me.

Thursday morning came.

I texted Mr. X when I got to work like I was supposed to.

I texted him again, later in the day, to let him know that he really missed out – I wore a dress.


Friday morning I sent another message that I was safe at work.

He replied that he was disappointed he had missed out on my dress the previous day and was trying to make it possible to meet that afternoon.

To be funny I responded, “I didn’t wear a dress today though. I hope that’s not a deal breaker” then hit SEND.

It turns out that he wasn’t able to see me Friday afternoon, either. (I honestly didn’t think the dress thing would be a deal-breaker 😉 )

He tried calling me Friday evening, but I was on my way to go roller skating with Thing #1 so I couldn’t answer. I was really frustrated anyway and the conversation probably wouldn’t have gone well.

Over that next weekend, I followed the “rules” we had established regarding Checking In and sent him an email both Saturday and Sunday:

Saturday Afternoon (1/17)


Sunday Evening (1/18)


Over those three days I posted some things on my blog and Twitter. I was drinking and having feelings.
(to be fair, I am also still angry and hurting at Loserman so some of that was directed at him)


Then I woke up and I was tired and still having yucky feelings.



… and I did not send any messages to Mr. X on Monday.

At 5PM Monday evening (1/19), he sent me this email:


I hacked up that email in a password-protected post. Some of the things he said… … …

My response to him 40 minutes later was:


This was all before Retrograde started on the 21st.

I haven’t heard from him since.


My Truck Died

That’s right…


Bear died Friday night while Thing #1 and I were on our way to skating.

I don’t know if it was too cold or what happened, but he just sputtered out and died.

Quite a few times.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t keep him running long enough to limp him home.

He ran perfectly fine that morning when I went to breakfast with Mr. X… Not a problem at all.

But, Friday Night, 5 blocks away from the highway Bear decided to die; less than 6 blocks from our apartment.

I am so very thankful that it happened where and when it did.

That means he didn’t stall out on the highway, we weren’t stranded far away at the skating rink, or I wasn’t on my way to or from work during the week, or anywhere else for that matter.

We didn’t get to go skating, but I am okay with that.

At least I wasn’t alone this time. That helped me more than I can say.

I got to call AAA again. Brit was very helpful and patient.

Bear was stalled on the street so a police officer had to be dispatched to ‘protect’ us while we waited the approximate 120 minutes for a tow truck to arrive. It was so freezing cold! I told Thing #1 that she could walk the short way home if she wanted to be warmer sooner, but she was a total trooper and stayed with me.

The tow truck arrived before the officer did! I think we waited all of 20 minutes (and my toes were starting to feel it! All day Saturday I had on two pairs of socks and a pair of slippers :O ).

I am thankful for Breezy! So thankful…

Also, regretfully, I am thankful that Loserman actually fixed Breezy so I have a second vehicle.

Coversely, I am not thankful that now I have to contact Loserman to fix whatever is wrong with my usually-so-reliable Bear.


Baby Steps


He said he gave me a 6.5 because he wanted to be honest.

I appreciate that. It gives me something to work towards.

I am not denying that it hurt or that it was a pretty huge blow to my ego (whether or not I am actually a 6.5).

We talked about it at breakfast Friday. He told me that he mentioned it to 2 of his friends and they thought he shouldn’t have been such a dick about it so blunt. Although he agreed there could have been a kinder way to say it, it worked out fine this way, too…

Because, either way, it’s important that I know if I am or am not pleasing to my lover, right? What kind of sub would I be if I didn’t care how good he thought I was? Or how good he thought I felt or performed.. I want him to be proud of me… Pleased with me… Pleasured by me…

I am not changing for him, but we are learning each other.

Does that make sense?

Also, it’s possible he was trying to gauge my emotions and how I will react to different things – a bit of a test maybe. Not to be an asshole, but to get to know me/feel me out. He eluded to it a bit at the beginning of our breakfast Friday.

It was something he said and his words totally perplexed me… It was strange. He saw it on my face but didn’t ask me about it – I could tell and appreciate that he held back.

Incidentally, Mr. X confided in me that he thought I was going to “break up” with him for his 6.5 comment. It actually felt reassuring that he thinks about those types of things sometimes, too…

We are still just getting to know each other.

Baby steps.

We’re jumping into a pretty huge adventure together.

Baby steps.

Both of us learning something new.

Exploring that side of ourselves together.

We’re being straightforward-honest with each other and, in that, vulnerable to the core.

As far as I’m concerned, so far so good! 😀

Mr. X told me, “We’re building a skyscraper and we can’t do that overnight. We’re on the 2nd floor. Be patient.”

Baby steps.


Chatting with Mr. X

I have unhidden my Ashley Madison profile and sent a few messages.

One very handsome and quite eloquent man responded.

I have named him Mr. X.

He is only 33 — I’m not super-keen on younger men, but this one gives great chat.

Also, he a Pisces — Loserman was a Pisces, but I don’t expect that to be a problem. I think all comparisons in this case are going to work against Loserman.

Here is how our first conversation went:

I will admit. I do not think I am what someone would call a Dom. But I am a man who knows what I want. I can lead and I can take us on a journey of exploration. If that sounds remotely interesting please feel free to continue to contact me. Here or at my email: …

Mmmmm…! If those sexy lips of yours are leading the way, I think it would be a deeply sensuous journey of exploration. At least for me, anyway…

I am still trying to figure out what I want. I definitely want someone to lead me and teach me new things, but then also I want him to learn things from me and there will be times when I need a really good spanking! I have begged for them in the past but only gotten a couple swats — my ass wants to glow!

Think on that…

Happy Friday!

Well, my sweet!!! I know we are only 3 messages in, but I would love to meet. Feel your energy, possibly taste your presence if you will. There is only so much the screen and keys can convey. I am glad to use this space as an initiator but I will need more to continue this chase. I am free during the days for large blocks of time. What does your availability look like?

Ooooooohhh!!! Straightforward! I like! And you are so good with your words I’m practically melting off my seat.

Days are difficult for me. I work your standard 9-5 desk job as a staff accountant for a real estate agency – I get an hour for lunch… Sometimes I can slip out a little longer… That could work for meeting and getting a feel for each others’ energies. Then we could go from there. The only nights I am unavailable are my skating nights, Thursday and Sunday — but you would be more than welcome to join me there if you wanted. Maybe I’d impress you with my smooth moves.


Skate Nights huh? I can’t skate; but that does not mean I am afraid to learn. Send me times and I will let you know if I can drop by. What part of town do you work in? I can absolutely do lunch to feel on you. I mean feel you out. See how the energy flows. I believe if there is enough time put into planning anything can happen.

Now. What toys do you already have at your disposal? We will need to go shopping. There is always a time at every beginning where we need a solid memory to attach ourselves to.

I can make your little ass burn red for you, darling. All I need is time and opportunity. Which means I will make the opportunity possible. I do not know if TTFN means I won’t get a reply like before; but I await your reply!

If you’re brave enough or feel inclined to I would love to make our communication a little more instantaneous. Text me: xxx-xxx-xxxx
Of course this is a number you can call but let’s hold on that until later.

~ X

Oh. My. God. Reading your note makes me so HOT! I wish you could feel the energy coursing through me right now! Or you could just be my office chair and I would slide right onto you… I work down in Xxxxxxxx and usually I take my lunch around 12PM, but it’s flexible and I can go any time really. Next week Tuesday and Thursday will both work for lunch. I look forward to feeling your handiwork and maybe doing an oral demonstration of my own 😉

… blah, blah, blah, skate address, skate times, blah, blah, etc…

Hmmmm… Toys… I like your thinking! I don’t have very many. I just use them on myself and they do the job nicely most times. I have never had anyone using them on me – but there are plenty of things I want to try! There’s a tiny butt plug that has only been used once (kinda scared to go there), nipple clamps and a vibrator/dildo. Same on the lingerie… 2-3 things that look good. I have lost a lot of weight, but my husband isn’t interested in sex for over 4 years so I haven’t had any reason to get anything new.

I just shot you a text.
You’ll have to tell me when are good times to contact you… I would hate to get you (or me) into any trouble!

BTW – I can be pretty freaking brave! There just needs to be the right incentive 😉

This reply!!! Love it! Lets just put that out there.

I am experienced in anal play. So small is the best way to start. I like to note that, if you have a high threshold for pain, anal will be a lot easier. If not it’s definitely something that you should work up to.

Now let’s be clear. I have no expectations for our first encounter. You are a lady after all. But the second and after are definitely open for interpretation. You can text anytime. I have My bases covered when it comes to that. You can call 6a to 6p during the week

But we will have plenty of time to play.


Dear Mr. X,
(that is what I have decided to call you until you tell me otherwise)

I prefer the first-encounter-no-expectations option. I feel the same way — there doesn’t need to be any more added pressure, right? Really, all I am hoping is that we get along this well in person (I can be a little shy/quiet at first, but a glass of wine can help cure that). And I really like your optimism about a second encounter – “open for interpretation” indeed! I concur.

In regards to my pain threshold, I guess it depends on what part of my body it is and my comfort level at the time. Does that make sense? (I love the way the nipple clamps feel, and then the sensation when they come off — all I can think about is how warm, wet lips would feel soothing and suckling them.) It seems like “outside pain” hurts me a lot more than “inside pain”, and things hurt more when I am scared or nervous. I guess I don’t know how I will tolerate something until I try it and, with anal, I understand that it helps to relax. So getting comfortable with you and being able to talk to you up front is important. You’re off to a wonderful start! And, clearly, you have more experience than me — that helps, too.

Patience is not one of my greatest virtues, but it is one I have!

Looking forward to our next exchange. I hope you have a wonderful night. XO!

When you get this take your time to read it. It will be short but I hope everything is understood.

We do not need anymore pressure added to this situation, we already have the “infidelity” aspect. Pressure to perform and deliver. Ability to satisfy and just straight up doubt. So no more pressure wanted.

Mr. X is quite fine. You are classified as my “Lil Flower”. We will get along fine. I have had other Virgo’s in my life. Me being a Pisces just makes it easier to “get through to me”.

The body part pain makes sense. It is different. It will be a pleasure pain. I read your last reply as “I would like to do anal, as long as you can make me comfortable”. This is something I know I can do.

I would love to suck and soothe your aching nipples after restraint. Anal does need trust and comfort especially in upfront experimentation.

I am a thinker. I can be overly patient, some would see it as too much patience. I look at it as opening avenues. Nothing is more imperative than my own objective in these circumstances.

I know in being a successful master/dominant I have to listen to my charge/submissive. I want to be an excellent controller. I will have a better night because I have thoughts of you intertwined in my normal path from now on.

Oooooohhhh!!! I like this man SO much! I’m going to have to sleep on his last response. It was so steamy and intense. I am worried it’s contrived.

And I really don’t want to send a stupid reply.

Please tell me your thoughts. Did he copy these words directly from a book?

And even if he did, he seems genuinely interested, right?