Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Temporarily Reunited

So…. Something very unexpected happened to me recently.

Lov(s)erman returned the $800 he borrowed from me BACK IN 2014!!!

Long Story, Short:

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Beyond Broken

I have lost the ability to articulate

My stories

My feelings

I feel stuck

Broken

Shy

Withdrawn

Lost

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Embrace Your Flaws

Your flaws make you unique and special.

Embrace them like you would embrace an old friend.

Xoxo ūüėė

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Monday Motivation: Friendship

friendship

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Friends

friend1

I am so thankful for my wonderful friends!

As soon as he heard that my Lil Bear was stolen, my skate buddy “B” fixed up his car for me to drive to Dallas for our skate party.

Another skate friend offered to take my other car, Breezy, for the weekend so I wouldn’t have to worry about it getting taken or tampered with.

And Mr. Nice Guy said that he would stop by and look in on our lovely Kitty one of the days we were gone.

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The Best Sk8-venture Ever!!

My weekend was just about as perfect as a vacation weekend could be.

Unlike Loserman last year, my ride (Mr R) was precisely on time.

Everyone arrived at the airport with plenty of time to get through security. We even had enough time to sit down and have a nice breakfast!

Breakfast on the way to KC

Eleven of us flew (on the same flight, mind you! One is missing from the pic in the far left corner) and one drove. It was unbelievable that so many people went along! 8 boys, 4 girls…

Everything went so smoothly: our flight was on time, we got good rental cars, we had time to stop and get groceries and lunch and alcohol, our rooms were ready when we got to the hotel/s (I stayed across the street because I booked my room in the skate party room block at the host hotel; their reservations were made too late to get the 5 rooms they needed)…

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“She’s Beautiful”

Wednesday evening, before I went skating, I recorded a version of a lovely poem by Da Absentee – “She’s Beautiful” –¬†and emailed it to him.

It is amazing and beautiful and traumatic and agonizing all at the same time.

Reading it was like he was in my head.

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There’s Still Hope

Monday night I received a text from Scorpio:

Hey just to let you know I got some of that money ready for you to pick up whenever you want

I was SO surprised! Based on my past experiences with men (and a recent conversation) I honestly thought I would never hear from Scorpio ever again.

We met on Tuesday night after work and he paid me $100 of the $140.

He greeted me with a hug and¬†I’ll admit that it was pretty awkward. We haven’t even spoken,¬†only exchanged a few texts about the¬†money he owes me from our Sk8cation a month ago.

Also, he had a friend with him and I didn’t know if they were expecting me to give them a ride or what. I asked if they needed a ride, they discussed it for a minute and decided to stick with Plan A: take the bus.

Scorpio told his buddy that he was going to talk to me in my car for a second and would be right back.

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The Talk

As promised, Saturday morning Loverman came over to my apartment¬†to check on my broken-down car,¬†Breezy, and¬†he needed to¬†put the catalytic converter back on my truck, Bear. (OMG! That’s twice in a row now that he has stuck to the plan! Holy shit!).

While we were waiting for the battery in Breezy to charge, I was going to sit in the cold¬†and just wait – I didn’t really want to sit anywhere close to Loverman –¬†but he¬†told me not to be¬†silly¬†out in the cold when I could just¬†be in his¬†warm and running¬†truck with him.

Electric sparks of tension bounced back and forth between us as we sat together uncomfortably, and then we started talking about our horrible, terrible, no good, very bad vacation.

For 30 minutes or so, he maintained that the entire skate debacle was my fault and that if I hadn’t “started everything off just like last year”, things would have gone well (hmmm… like they did last year???).

The battery was charged completely and I got out to start Breezy. Loverman checked to make sure that it was the alternator that had gone bad.

It was.

With the charge that was left in the battery, I moved Breezy to a better parking spot closer to my apartment, and then Loverman asked me to get back into his truck so we could continue our argument discussion. For a moment we talked about the plans for fixing Breezy, then we went back to talking about the sk8-venture from hell.

As we started to talk, he drove¬†away from¬†the apartment parking lot – so we could have a longer talk without getting interrupted by curious family members of mine wondering when we would be leaving to do the grocery shopping. I tried to break the tension with a joke (huge mistake!). I said, “Well, heck. If you’re kidnapping me and taking me to Mexico at least let me go back and grab my purse so we can get gas and food!”

Holy shit! He stopped so fast that the tires squealed and I thought his truck was going to flip end-over-end¬†(and we were only going 5MPH, still in the parking lot). He pretended like he thought I was serious and acted super-offended that I thought he was going to ‘kidnap’ me. I tried to explain to him that it was only a fucking joke – we used to joke about running away to Mexico together all the time. What the fuck!?!? After another argument, he finally turned around and we¬†continued to¬†exit¬†the parking lot to further our discussion from hell.

After¬†talking to¬†him about it¬†in length, it seems that¬†when I asked him for a kiss and a smack on the ass Saturday morning after our Friday night skate party, it¬†was just too much pressure for him to handle. He simply wanted to shit, shower, shave and sleep. He still doesn’t know why I couldn’t just be happy with a couple pecks when¬†“we had the entire weekend to spend together!”

I said, “I wish you would have told me that our vacation wasn’t going to be sexual. If I would have known that ahead of time, I never would have pressured you for sex¬†or tried to be intimate with you.”

He responded, “I just wasn’t feeling that into it at that moment and I didn’t think I needed to. I was all gross and smelly and we had 3 days to ‘get together’. So I didn’t think we had to be all¬†rushed about it.”

From my point of view, it seems like¬†I had no chance at all¬†of having a good sk8-venture with him. There was no way I could have done anything right — because, in his crazy imagination, I had already done everything wrong, before things even got started.

He didn’t even tell me the rules! (not that knowing them would have helped me at all, though)

Just as I suspected, he had set me up to fail – consciously or subconsciously, it doesn’t matter.

While we were talking, he asked me how much of a relationship is about sex to me.¬†It didn’t take long for me to respond, “It depends on the type of relationship. The kind that I thought we had…. About 50/50, intimacy to friendship. And, intimacy isn’t just sex — I count sharing private thoughts, holding hands, kissing in public, being comfortable talking to each other, etc…”

He then clarified that “friends with benefits” means the same to him¬†as “being in a serious relationship” does to me. He explained that my definition of intimate partners is the same as his definition of friends with benefits.

And after over 2 hours of all of¬†that bullshit over and over again, the mother-fucker still wouldn’t take any responsibility for ruining our weekend.

I spent most of my time trying to explain to him how badly he treated me and how hard I kept trying to have a good time with him – even after he kept kicking me down.

He spent most of his time putting thoughts in my head and words in my mouth — telling me that he knew how I was going to be and what I was going to do. That’s what ruined things.

He’s completely focused on¬†how¬†everything went wrong with our sk8-venture 2014 because of¬†me and (whether it’s my fault or not) he refuses to forgive me or try to get past it.

Unless I will take full responsibility for the nightmare.

He would only apologize for being late.

Remember Рhis tardiness is something I was never really angry about *sigh*

Like I said at the beginning of this stupid ‘adventure’: “He needs to learn forgiveness or we are done.”

Especially if it’s something I didn’t even do.

He’s already punished me for over a week.

I have been struggling with this thought for the past few days and it gets harder to deny as time passes: I think Loverman and I are done.

Until he has my vehicles up and running, he will be my mechanic. After that, I just don’t know…

Things will probably never be the same with us. From now on, I think it will always be a struggle to communicate with each other.

He is too busy holding onto demons from his past Рa time before he ever even knew me.

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The Silent Treatment

Mask of Loneliness
by ~Dhevi

First, I want to say “Thank you” to everyone who reads my words. Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for coming here to read what I am saying. Thank you for letting me share my journal with you. Thank you for your help and kind advice.

Sometimes I think that I am over-reacting or being melodramatic. This is one of those times, but I feel totally wretched inside and my heart really hurts and it doesn’t feel like it’s over-reacting.

Loverman is completely ignoring me now. I sent him three text messages last night with no response.

  1. 6:05PM – We’re home (when I got home safe — still trying to follow the rules… Stupid me!)
  2. 9:15PM (I tried to call him first. Ring, no answer.) – Hey there, sexy pants. Do I still get to go out with you tomorrow night? (Reaching out just in case… Again, stupid me!)
  3. 11:40PM – I wish I knew you were okay, too. (because I couldn’t sleep. I was very angry and starting to worry that he’s really NOT okay!)

I promised myself that if I didn’t get a response after I sent the 3rd message, I would just leave him alone until he decides it’s time to talk to me again.

He didn’t even have the decency to say, “Leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you right now. Give me a couple days”, or anything like that. I think that would hurt less (maybe, I don’t know. It might be better to actually know he’s ignoring me and not hurt or in jail or something). At least then I would know something.

I broke my promise to myself (one of the biggest causes of unhappiness, according to Karen Sahlmanson — you should seriously read this article!!) and called him anyway because I still can’t control my impulses…

…I care so much about him…

…I can’t believe he’s treating me like this…

…My love isn’t conditional, but it sure as hell isn’t UNconditional! WTF!?!? …

…How many more times do I let him do this to me without telling him how it makes me feel?

This morning his phone is turned off. He never turns off his phone. If he turns it off then people can’t call him for his mechanic business.

It’s tearing me up inside but I’m trying so hard not to let it. I’m trying not to take it personally — even though I am pretty sure it is. I don’t even know what I did wrong! Is he upset because I got upset with him? I know that he’s feeling helpless and hopeless right now and that his pride is probably wounded, but does he have to take it out on me? What purpose does that serve? Usually we’re there for each other when there are problems. Did his car get repossessed and he’s too chicken-shit to tell me? How do I know if he’s okay? If he doesn’t care enough to let me know, then why should I?

But, this one thing keeps repeating over and over in my head, I can’t make it stop:

I can’t believe that he thinks it’s okay to treat his best friend like this!

Tonight I am still going “up the hill” to the casino with the cute-bartender guy, but I think I will have wine instead of tequila shots. I packed clothes for tomorrow because, whether or not Loverman responds(ed), I still intend(ed) to go up there and have fun and possibly have some more serious impulse control issues (I know, I know, that will not make me feel any better. Or, will it?) ūüėČ (j/k — I think)

bloodrose separator

I was going to write a post today about how I got all of my blood test results back yesterday afternoon and how proud I am of the results. Now I can’t wait to talk to the doctor on Friday because I think I will get a clean bill of health. Yay!

I am just going to try and focus on that good news all day (and the fun I will be having tonight all by myself!) because I am so proud of what I have done for me!! Huggs to me for “staying the course” and getting so healthy!!!

And these words may or may not help me, but I need to keep repeating them like a mantra (sometimes they bring me peace, sometimes they make me cry):

Everything that comes must also go. Like a breath, friends cannot be held forever.

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