If you truly love your wife and want some advice and perspective on making your marriage work, here is the website I told you about. This is the page with all of Matt’s Letters to Shitty Husbands – http://mustbethistalltoride.com/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands/. If you don’t have much time, read these, but I really like this guy and read almost every one of his posts.
For what it’s worth, thank you for taking time to dump me (but I suspect you have already deleted this email account and you were just being kind to me when you said you wanted to still be “friends”. I should have known better when you told me “It’s not you, it’s me”… Cliché or not…)
Good luck with the job, the wife and your beloved daughter. I wish all of you the best… Even though I hope to hear back from you someday, I’m sure I’m only deluding myself.
I’m sorry, Mr. X. I totally fucked everything up.
Someday maybe I will get it right, but for now I am off to break some serious asshole hearts before I am too old to have my revenge…
This morning, after a wonderful night of skating, I had a brief moment of frustration with Loverman and now he never wants to go on another skating trip with me. Ever. Again.
This morning at 5AM, after him arriving 3 hours late, driving for 10 hours, skating immediately after that for 2 hours and an extreme lack of food, I had a brief lapse of neediness.
He wasn’t into that so much.
Maybe I will talk about it someday (or you can read about Day 1 of our Sk8-Venture last year – it’s pretty much the same as that except I have no fucking clue what I did to mess things up this time).
The short story is: he can’t “deal with” the drama right now, but he loves me so much that he still wants to be friends.
I think that I really do hate everyone.
Especially after I really get to know them.
I love him so much it actually tears my soul out of me chest to say this, but:
He needs to learn forgiveness or we are done.
If he really lets me go, he is losing the best-est thing that ever happened to him.
I even reminded him that 90% awesome-ness and 10% frustrating is a pretty sweet relationship
But he wouldn’t hear that.
He was totally focused on how he knew I was going to fuck up this vacation.
So this vacation got fucked up.
If he can’t see all of the totally awesome things I do for him as a friend and as a partner and as a lover and forgive me when I make a mistake, then maybe he IS right and we should “just be friends”. And, I only say that because he is such good friends with Thing #1. If she wasn’t involved, I think I would be done with his bullshit entirely.
I hope to write about this more coherently later, but I am pretty fucked up right now.
Please excuse this post if it isn’t eloquent or doesn’t make sense. Loverman is sleeping in the bed next to me and I am in a really bad mood.
I don’t really even want to talk about it. Part of it was okay, but mostly it was terrible.
Loverman didn’t pick me up until 10 o’clock in the morning. He was supposed to come and get me right after he got off of work — he gets off at 6 and it takes 20-30 minutes to get to my apartment. I thought he was as excited as I was to get this trip started, so I wrongly thought that he would be picking me up by 7. I would tell you what he told me about his co-worker being late, blah, blah, blah… But I don’t believe him… No reason not to, except he didn’t even bother to send me a text telling me that he would be getting off work late.
The actual driving trip went well. Loverman fell asleep in the car around noon and then slept until about 4PM. I listened to CDs most of the way and looked at the sky. When he woke up we switched and he drove. For a while he molested me in the passenger seat. We sang to Prince. It seemed like things were going to be okay.
But, they weren’t.
You see, I had this stupid thing called expectations. They fucked EVERYTHING up.
The problems really started when we got to the hotel and checked into our room. I have to admit that I was highly peeved about his lack of consideration yesterday morning and I think I had already set up our weekend to fail (in fact, I think, even after meditation and yoga this morning, I am still ready for today to fall flat, too!). I knew he would want to shower when we got to the room, that was not a problem. After the shower was the problem.
Just like Mr. Doom-n-Gloom, Loverman does not take care of himself. Even though he is married, for the last month 5 days a week he has been sleeping at his friends’ house, the other two days he sleeps in his truck (he might sleep at “home” once every other week or so); he pretty much refuses to eat his veggies or fruits and he barely eats one meal a day. When I “picked” Loverman, he wasn’t like that.
Loverman got out of the shower and told me he felt like he was having an “episode”. That means he feels like his heart is stopping and he feels like he’s going to pass out. He started looking for his aspirin because, for some reason, he thinks that’s some kind of magic fix. He forgot to bring it. So, I offered to go out and get him some.
He told me not to.
I did anyway.
I also got him two corn dogs because, lucky for me, the Quik Trip across the street had the aspirin and I thought maybe he was hungry or his blood sugar was fucked up.
When I got back to the room he was curled up on the far side of the bed, still wrapped in his towel.
It’s 11PM, skating starts at midnight. *sigh* I told him to lie down in the bed and eat his corn dogs. I tried to be nice, seriously I did. But, I am always so afraid of saying anything that might piss him off, I think I tried to hard.
We got into an argument about who was going skating and who wasn’t. It was a stupid, ugly argument. I just wanted to run away the entire time we were talking. And I just kept talking and talking and making it worse.a
But, I was already very hurt and super disappointed and really wanted to go skating and have fun. So, I said “You lay here and get better. I’m going to get ready and go skating.”
That was the biggest mistake I could have made. I should have just waited for him to fall asleep and then go skating by myself, but I had to say those stupid words out loud and now he was upset. I saw his disappointment on his face as soon as I said it.
He answered, “I’m going skating with you then. I know how you want to go and check out the other guys.”
I was fuming, “If this is just going to be another hurtful jealous fest, I don’t even want to go.”
Eventually we went skating. He won the fucking argument. Maybe I will tell you more about it later.
I tried to have fun skating, but it really seemed like Loverman was trying to piss me off. Every time I tried to talk to him he just snarked back at me — I have a feeling it will be like that again today (see? Setting up my day for failure).
However, our attitudes are completely irrelevant at this point. I wouldn’t have had fun skating anyway — even if Loverman and I weren’t fighting — I didn’t like the music. It was like the DJ took all the songs and made them one song — the beat never changed, the music never changed…. And, to make things worse, it was all kissy-sweet romantic couples music…
Also, the very worst thing about this stupid-ass weekend, is he got me (Vanilla, really) all wound up on the car ride here. Right now (and last night) I am all sexual tension with no hope of release. I tried to get off this morning, but I really wanted it to be with Loverman so it didn’t work. It felt good, but no happy ending.
And I didn’t bring my vibrator (because I didn’t think I would need it… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! Fucking-HA!).