Word of the Day: Futility

Word of the Day: Futility

noun: futility
fu·til·i·ty
ˈfyo͞oˈtilətē
definition: pointlessness or uselessness.
example: “the horror and futility of war”
synonyms: fruitlessness, pointlessness, uselessness, vanity, ineffectiveness, inefficacy
Futility____by_cidaq
Futility
by cidaq on Deviantart

I heard this song on the radio this morning and as I was listening I could only think: “futility”.

It’s a song I hear from time to time on the radio, it’s not that old, I have it on my MP3 player in the rotation and when it comes on I don’t skip it. I always thought this song was about suicide, at least that’s what it meant to me, but as I was listening to it this morning it’s meaning changed for me a little. I began thinking that it’s a much better description of the way I feel when I am overwhelmed with something and I have completely give up, or have already given up. I scream for the “Coast Guard” for help, but they’re just not there: “Please help me, I’ve thrown myself in the ocean with this horrible, terrible, no good, very bad choice and now I am drowning in the consequences!”

But now, after watching the video, I am wondering: did I miss the mark completely and the song is about stagefright? Or zombies? Vampires? What’s with the gas masks? Jonah? … … ??? If you know, please enlighten!

Into the Ocean

Blue October

I’m just a normal boy
That sank when I fell overboard
My ship would leave the country
But I’d rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I’d be stuck again
Wish I was much more masculine
Maybe then I could learn to swim
Like ‘fourteen miles away’

Now floating up and down
I spin, colliding into sound
Like whales beneath me diving down
I’m sinking to the bottom of my
Everything that freaks me out
The lighthouse beam has just run out
I’m cold as cold as cold can be
Be

I want to swim away but don’t know how
Sometimes it feels just like I’m fallin’ in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jetsam sunk, I’m left behind
I’m treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I’m reaching for the life within me
How can one man stop his ending
I thought of just your face
Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don’t know how
Sometimes it feels just like I’m fallin’ in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done
Like jumping from the bow, yeah
Just to prove that I knew how, yeah
It’s midnight’s late reminder of
The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Sat front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all
Into the ocean, end it all

[Zayra]
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)

I want to swim away but don’t know how
Sometimes it feels just like I’m falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down

Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
(In to space)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
Into the ocean (goodbye) end it all (goodbye)
I thought of just your face

Bright Side

Bright Side

I’ve given up on the bright side for now. Tonight’s belated birthday celebration/plans are cancelled (not postponed). I am so tired of always being last on the list {sigh}. I don’t know why I was getting my hopes up. Last night when I was trying to sleep I kept telling myself that even though thinking it’s going to happen will make me happier temporarily, the reality of it is: he has his brother’s broken car, he hasn’t slept a full night in over a week, he’s working a new job, stupid baby momma drama, his back is killing him, bowling league…

The fucking crappiest thing about it all is that after all of that, he won’t be coming home to

He’s going to be at his home with someone who probably won’t even acknowledge his presence when he enters the room.
He’ll be changing into something more comfortable to work on a car or something and she will be complaining about how he never tries to have sex with her any more. Then he will say “Hey, I’m mostly naked, how about right now?” (I hate that part). Then she will say, “I didn’t mean right now(I like that part).
Then, it will be later when he’s trying to relax , she will come down asking for a back rub, get a really fucking good one, and then go to bed without returning the favor.
After really not resting at all, he will have to get his weary ass back up again to work a 12-hour on-your-feet shift at a new job that he doesn’t even know yet. (for the record, I am so jealous and resentful of her words cannot describe!)
Wash, rinse, repeat…

  • I want to be the one he comes home to so he has a hot meal, a comfortable warm bed and a luxurious back rub.
  • I want to have his warm, luxurious body next to me while he rests peacefully on my breasts.
  • I want, I want, I want.

I just can’t stop being selfish, even after all of that — knowing the shitpile that is on his plate right now. (And he’s pushing me away instead of letting me help. Infuriating!) I guess I am addicted to the happiness I feel when he’s around. I know, I know, I know… But I really like being happy. I really like making him feel happy when he’s down in the dumps – but I can’t do it right now. It’s frustrating as HELL! (and I miss him, too! My insides are tearing apart. He’s been gone too freaking long!)

My tagline is “why do good feelings have to feel so good?” It must be so the bad ones can feel so bad.

I’ve been trying to look at the bright side with my ‘uplifting attitude’, but it stopped working after I received the text cancelling tonight and I can only see the dark side now. Futility sucks. I wish I had more control over my life and the things that make me happy. I wasn’t ready for a new lesson in suffering and appreciation and sacrifice. But, I guess I had it coming, I have been kind of selfish.

The cruel part of me told me all afternoon that he’s going to surprise me when I get off work and that this is him just teasing me. Although he’s never been that cruel to me before… Even in a loving way. But that didn’t happen. (of course)

The mega-bitch part of me kind of wanted to put that super-hot-cougar dress and fuck-me boots on and go to a bar. After all, I wasn’t supposed to be home tonight… (but I already know where that could end up, so I made a different choice this time and I’m watching Family Feud and drinking tequila instead…)