Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Quote of the Day: Temptation

temptation

“…a man who gives into temptation after 5 minutes, simply doesn’t know what it would have been like an hour later…”

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A Whole Different Person

alone

Right now I am on my second visit to TC.

I have total mixed feelings about it. Sometimes I am totally excited and then, other times…

I don’t know, you tell me –

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My Response/s

I find it oddly coincidental that I received so much communication from you immediately after I re-opened my Ashley Madison account.

Why did you wait to send all of your emails at the same exact second? Why couldn’t you send each email one at a time, every 2-3 days starting last Sunday…??? If you had done that, this wouldn’t even be happening and we would probably be on “better terms” as you say.

This is stoopid hard! In fact, I don’t even know why you keep coming back… Is it so you can let me down again and then be able punish/hate yourself for fucking up again? Do you want (or need) me (or your wife) to be disappointed in you? Are you creating distance between us on purpose? Why are you making it so hard for me to be vulnerable with you? Why do you find it so difficult to be vulnerable with me? I don’t understand… It always seemed like Loserman was doing all of that, too…

I don’t believe you are being entirely forthcoming with me. My thinking that you are keeping things from me doesn’t help me to trust you.

Your poem was entirely too cryptic…

We had become attached.
There was more to it than that.
The layers and partitions have changed.
It was never my intention to become estranged.
Strange how this works.
Both women in my life are saying I am making them hurt.
I apologize for my change in focus.
My changes, are the things that broke us…

 

(his response to my post Fade Away)

I just want to give up every time things get tough. I like you a big fat shit ton, but I’m not actually convinced that you like me as much as you think you should/do. Or maybe you feel sorry for me and don’t want to hurt my feelings. That’s how it seems from here.

I don’t want pity. I need help. I need to know that you will keep your word and not be entirely consumed by every squirrel that darts past…

you-were-born-to-be-real-p

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Is My Only Answer Just To Give Up?

Sometime Monday Loserman moved my truck. He didn’t tell me he did it. He didn’t post any updates on Facebook about it…

(wait a sec, let me just go check…)

Ok, so far nothing yet…

When I got home from work Monday night, Bear had been moved back to the original parking spot he had before he completely broke down (and had to be rolled to wherever he could fit).

I sent Loserman a text message that evening to thank him and wished him a good night.

No response….

Surprised?

You shouldn’t be.

I’m not

*smh*

While I was writing the other day’s post, I realized something:

As long as Loserman holds my truck ‘hostage’, he also holds me hostage.

As long as he continues to withhold information from me in regards to the repairs on MY beautiful Bear, he is still in control of me.

Almost every single day stupid Loserman passes through my thoughts and I feel so lost in what I should (or can) do.

Because he maintains total control of my truck parts and my repair manual and the time line, at this moment my hands are tied (and not in the fun way).

It would be easy enough for me to buy a new repair manual, but as for the parts, I NEED him. I don’t know what he has, what needs to be ordered, how long it will take…

I don’t know pretty much anything.

Because he is keeping me in the dark.

allow-continue-control

I can only ask him to give me my stuff back so I can (somehow) figure out what to do with my truck.

Without Loserman.

But, even if I ask him, he still maintains all control. He can decide not to give me back any of my stuff, even though I *wish* he would.

I want that more than anything at this point: just give me back my shit and be gone. I am completely “wore out” with these shenanigans.

*sigh*

My dream truck: the one we were going to rebuild, repair and repaint together…
He has steps and a push bar for Bear in his storage unit; we’ve been trying to agree on a color to paint him…

It’s so disheartening because there’s nothing I can do.

Absolutely nothing at all.

If I ask him for my things, he can still choose not to give them back to me.

How do I break the control?

Do I have to give up on my truck as completely hopeless and just move on?

Is that really the only way?

He already ran my heart through the wood-chipper, now he has to force me to give up my favorite thing, too?!?!?!

I really can’t do it.

I can’t give up my beautiful Bear…

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