Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Monday Motivation: Letting Go

I am still working on this… It’s been almost a year, yet every day I still think of Loserman and wish for what we had… But also every day I tell myself that the Loverman I know and love is completely gone… After all, Life is Shadows, and shadows are impermanent and ever-changing… Both good and bad..







Complicated Grief?

I took a short grief quiz online a couple of weeks ago because this Loserman thing was making me nuts! I wish I could just throw the lovey-dovey, mushy-gushy feelings away — or possibly donate them to someone who needs them more than I do… But, today I feel closer to being over it than I did when I took that quiz. So, that’s something, right?

Anyway. I ramble…

The results of the quiz stated that I could be suffering from “complicated grief”.

I thought, WTF? Isn’t ALL grief complicated?

Read the rest of this entry »


Pieces of Me

Maybe I feel like I want to quit Mr. X because things are getting difficult.

Emotionally. Physically. Chronologically.

Is this thing even worth it? What will I get out of it besides more broken?

I was excited for what lies ahead of us.

Sharing vulnerabilities. Learning something new together. Pushing boundaries.

But then there’s the disappointment…

And wondering if I am waiting for nothing…


I wish I hadn’t let him in.

I was so excited to learn about submission with him.

So eager to explore that part of myself without shame.

He already knows everything about me.


My mushed-up heart has been mushed-up all over again.

He helped me to put it back together just enough that there’s enough to break.

Then he smushed it.

And even though he didn’t intend for it to, it hurt.

More so because he just helped me fix it!

Because he told me he would.

My freshly broken heart…

We can’t build my trust up that way.

I can’t freely submit to him if I am expecting to be disappointed…

…or for my heart to be smushed.


I’ve become attached.

He wanted me to. I needed to.


I have to stop.

Stop being vulnerable…

Stop getting attached…

I expect too much.

I’m only a distraction.


It only leads to disappointment.

Meaningless words and empty promises…

Does he say them because he thinks it’s what I need to hear?

Words mean so very little when only spoken out of obligation or guilt.

He was supposed to be helping me pick up my pieces and put them together again.

But it’s just creating more pieces.

Tinier pieces.

Harder-to-put-back-together pieces.



Sk8-Venture Drama 2014: Day 2

Click here for Day 1.

This year, Day 2 did not go nearly as well as last year. Oh, no…

But it wasn’t for my lack of trying.

After Loverman went to sleep in his corner chair Saturday morning, I had a couple shots of tequila and went outside to get stoned before I had to be around strangers at breakfast.

My perfect breakfast consisted of some cut pineapple, melon slices and a few strawberries, some scrambled eggs and a nice bit of bacon.

I actually took more bacon than I thought I had (I didn’t take ALL of it and, so fucking what if I did?!?! My boyfriend of 6 years just broke up with me on the very first day of our 4-5 day vacation that was supposed to be hella-fun!).

There was a girl on the other side of the buffet. She said to her mother, “That lady took all the bacon, Mom.”

Her mother whispered back, “She didn’t take all the bacon, sweetheart.”

*I* replied, “Yep. I took all the bacon.” Then I grabbed my juice and went to sit down all by myself and eat my bacon in peace.

When I got back to the room, Loverman was still “asleep” in the corner chair. I drank a lot more tequila and left him a note that said “If you wake up before 1PM and you want to go bowling, please go ahead. The address and info are on the notepad in the car. Have a good time!” Then I laid down and had a short nap: all alone in the hella-comfortable king-sized bed. Shit! I sleep on a couch at home, I was going to enjoy the fuck out of that sweet mattress!!! It was stupid of Loverman not to take advantage of it, too. The bad was plenty big, we didn’t have to be touching if he didn’t want to…

While I drifted off to sleep I made an agreement with myself that I wasn’t going to hold myself responsible for the stupid choices Loverman makes during our weekend together. If he was going to choose to have a miserable time, I would just let him have that choice.

I woke up at 2PM and he was gone. I hoped that he had read my note and gone bowling, but immediately I assumed that he had left me and gone with his stupid-ass plan to call his cousin and inconvenience the hell out of her weekend. I called him to see what was going on because he hadn’t left me a note on the convenient note-pad and pen provided by the hotel. He actually answered, surprising me so much that the first words out of my mouth were, “Thanks for answering!”

“You’re welcome. What do you need?”

“Where are you? I was wondering if you want to go to the bowling thing or the pool party with me.”

“No. I’m good,” was what he said back.

“Where are you? Did you leave?”

“I’m having breakfast across the street.”

“Oh. Okay. Do you want to do something when you get back? Like go to the casino, stay in and play strip poker, or go to dinner or something?”

“No. I’m good,” he said again. (I thought, I don’t think those words mean what you think they mean.)

I said goodbye, we hung up and I drank about 4 more shots of tequila. With a crushed heart, I went to the ravine down the street where I could get high. The afternoon was gorgeous and I think I spent an hour sitting on the side of the hill crying my eyes out again, having conversations with the sky. And whomever was listening.

When I got back to the room, Loverman had assumed his position back in his corner chair and appeared to be sleeping again.

I had a couple more shots of tequila, wrote my Day 1 post, then passed out drunk on the bed watching a movie on my computer. I was naked, in hopes that he would come back and be all happy and jump on me like he did last year. But he didn’t and I slept until 10PM.

When I woke up, Loverman was still “sleeping” in the chair, fully clothed, sunglasses, jacket, the whole thing. *sigh* What the hell was he trying to prove?

I had another shot of tequila and then realized I probably shouldn’t have done that. There was very little of my 750ml bottle left – and I knew Loverman hadn’t had any of it for himself. I watched something on TV and ate a Cliff Bar with a large cup of coffee and a TON of water.

This entire time I laid completely naked on the bed waiting for Loverman to wake up. I had a sheet pulled over me, but not all the way.

At about 11PM, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Loverman stir and he moved one of his headphones away from his ear. I stood up and walked over to his chair, still completely nude. I kneeled on the floor next to his chair and asked, “Skating starts at midnight again tonight and I was hoping you would take a shower with me? Let’s go get all cleaned off, start fresh and clean up. I will scrub you up and you even have time to use your clippers if you want to. It will feel awesome.”

He simply responded, “Nope. I’m good.” He looked away from me to the TV and put that missing headphone back on his ear.

Ouch! Burn!

Okay. I was pretty much at my wit’s end at this point. What the fuck was this guy’s deal?!

I grabbed my skate outfit for the night and went into the bathroom to freshen up. My eyes looked terrible, all swollen and red. Good thing I had eye drops and the ice machine was just down the hall. I got ice and let it cool my eyes and then added the eye drops.

At 11:45 I looked nearly presentable. I had decided to use a silver eye-shadow as an eyeliner to hide my red eyelids and it worked magnificently! I still felt a little tipsy — not okay to drive, but mostly okay to skate. And I looked fucking good!

Loverman still had his headphones on so I gently grabbed his calf and moved it back and forth until he woke up. “I’m ready. We can go whenever you are. There’s still time for you to shower if you want. The party goes until 5AM, we can afford to be late. It’s fine. Do you want to stop and get something to eat on the way?”

“Nope. I’m good. Give me a few minutes to wake up and we can go.”

“Okay,” I said and remembered the agreement I made with my drunken self earlier about not holding myself responsible for his feelings… If he wants to be all smelly and sticky and grimy and starving, that was definitely his prerogative. I was going to let him do whatever he wanted without arguing. I mixed my amino acid exercise drink and was ready.

When he stood up, I asked if he would please drive. He responded, “You can drive if you want to.”

“I don’t want to. I don’t really feel comfortable driving. I’ve been drinking all day.”

“Well, definitely I will drive if you’ve been drinking all day.” Hell, if he didn’t believe me, he could just glance at the decimated bottle of tequila to see I was telling the truth.

We got there at about 12:30AM and skated on and off until 4:55, right before they shut it down. (this is not the time for me to go into why I wanted to leave just a little before everyone else)

Almost the entire time we skated Saturday, we skated separately. He only partnered with me for two songs and I had to beg for those. We were not ‘tight’ like we were Friday night. We were not awesome skating partners. It felt awkward and forced when we were together. To add insult to injury, he would be talking to other people we knew from Colorado and when I would come over to sit down with them and join in, Loverman would stop talking entirely. Until I left. Then he would start talking to them again. Every time I would try and engage Loverman I would get one-word answers in a monotone.

Conversely, he stood on the side sometimes and filmed my skating. Something I have been asking him to do for a while now. I want to see what I look like when I skate. I want to see what other people are seeing. (Maybe someday he will share them with me – when he feels like I have been punished enough for whatever I did wrong *sigh*)

When we got back to the hotel, I asked him if he wanted to have a drink with me while we waited for breakfast to start. Maybe take a shower?

Again he replied, “Nope. I’m good.” and went straight back to that mother-fucking chair and put his sunglasses and headphones on.

Again, WTF is this guy’s problem?!?

I said his name in hopes that he would hear me and move his headphones to listen. He did and I said, ” I’m going to breakfast at 7. Would you like me to wake you up before I go down?”

“Nope. I’ll set my alarm.”

At this point *I* was ‘wore out’ with it, so I had some of the marijuana edibles I brought along for the two of us to share, took a shower and went outside again to get high while I waited for the edibles to take effect.

I was downstairs cancelling my Sunday night reservation when one of the Skate Party hosts came over to me and told me that all the rollers were going to be sitting together in one of the meeting rooms for breakfast. That felt totally awesome, because I felt very much like the “token white chick” at the skating rink earlier – and I don’t mean that in a good way.

I went upstairs to wake up Loverman and invite him to come along with me and meet people and have fun but he wouldn’t wake up. Or he just wasn’t interested in what I had to tell him. He had his sunglasses on so I couldn’t tell. (I wish you could see me shaking my head as I write this… *sigh*)

Either way, *I* went down and enjoyed a very pleasant breakfast with some very sweet people from St. Louis. It got extremely uncomfortable for a moment while they were talking about the shooting in Ferguson and the resulting violence, but that passed and we had a cool conversation about donating and how so little money could go such a long way.

After breakfast I returned to our my room and Loverman was still laying in his chair. Unsuccessfully I tried waking him again so he could enjoy the Skate Rollers’ company for breakfast, too.

I laid down on the awesome bed. Again, naked.

Even though I hadn’t had caffeine in a long time, I still wasn’t feeling tired. I was feeling wired.

But, I laid there in bed. Naked. Listening to the shows on TBS with my teeth out and my glasses off until 1PM. Everyone with the Skate Party was given a 2PM checkout, so I had time to get my stuff packed into the car before I had to wake up Loverman. (That way he wouldn’t feel obligated to help me carry any of my shit out to the car.)

Maybe he slept the whole time I was laying there in bed. Maybe he watched TV silently along with me. Maybe he watched my sexy, nude body walk back and forth from the bathroom when I needed to relieve myself. Maybe he watched me as I got dressed and carried all my shit out to the car.

Maybe he watched me as I masturbated in the bed, in full view of his hidden eyes.




It’s Okay to Change

It’s Okay to Change

Originally posted on/by July 19, 2013

When you cling to what you believe to be untrue, soft underlying currents of suppression turn into tides of unrest.
When you cling to what you believe to be untrue, soft underlying currents of suppression turn into tides of unrest.

Change is constant — you must have heard it numerous times before. Constancy of change is not just true for the physical world outside but your inner world too. As your thoughts change, so does your viewpoint and with a different perspective, you gain a new understanding. And that automatically brings about a change in your emotional state, in your beliefs; you evolve, you grow, sometimes you grow out. Most people don’t let themselves evolve, they just revolve. They keep going round and round in circles, the same old problems, patterns, same old issues, same old responses, reactions, same old grudges. That’s not because they don’t wish to change but because they deny the internal change.

As we live through more days, as we learn from our experiences, our opinions are bound to change. The society, the world you move in, lets you change only certain opinions but not all. For example, as a child you are made to believe that Santa Claus exists. When you grow up, it is accepted to believe that it was all a setup, that there was never a real Santa. You discover it yourself. You realize that it was someone else’s invention, your parents, elders “created” him for you. Your own discovery gives you the strength and conviction to believe that Santa was a manufacture, an invention. Why is it easy in Santa’s case? Because you stop getting the physical gifts. I don’t think it is because of the lack of chimneys. When physical manifestation, the miraculous appearing of gifts stop, you question naturally. Had the proposition been that Santa comes and gives you peace and joy, it would have been hard, almost impossible, to deny his existence. Why? Because you could neither prove nor disprove it.

And this leads me to the crux of the matter: you are only allowed to change your belief where a tangible and an unambiguous physical proof is available to support your stand. The society does not allow you to question, much less change, your beliefs about your god, your religion, your rituals, at least not freely. A sense of guilt is instilled, you start to think perhaps something is wrong with you, you should not be an atheist or you should not be attracted to other systems of life and inquiry and so on and so forth. You are expected to believe in your Siva, your Jesus, your Allah; you are not allowed to question your belief. There is a subtle, constant and significant pressure on you.

The example of religion is just that, an example. People tend to behave the same in their selection of political parties, leaders, sects, cults etc. The keyword here is behave. Religion is a behavior, a programmed behavior that comes naturally after a while. Most of your actions spring from your behavior. And your natural behavior is simply an automatic response system; it is based on what, how, and how much you have been fed. Is there anything wrong with it? Not necessarily; you decide for yourself.

Getting back to my present subject of change: if you cling to a belief, an opinion you once had but no longer believe it to be true, you are simply putting greater burden on yourself. When you practice what you do not believe, the underlying currents of non-fulfillment turn into the tides of great unrest. When you are not at peace within, you get irritated, angry, hurt, you are affected easily even by petty things, minor issues. These are symptomatic. These happen when you are denying yourself the change that has already matured in you. When you recognize and accept your internal change, you experience a sense of freedom, a feeling of lightness sweeps you away. No reasonable, sane or intelligent person can consistently hold the same belief at all times. A rigid consistency of beliefs show either you are no longer listening to yourself or you are not accepting what your inner voice is telling you. Holding onto a belief is not the same as holding a belief. See the difference. The expectation of consistency is a societal pressure placed on you by the average thinkers in the ordinary world. Such thinkers, by the way, make up ninety-nine percent of our world. If you don’t believe me, just take a look around. Objectively. To paraphrase the thoughts of David Wallace: you will worry less about what people think about you when you realize how little they do.

On a dark winter morning, Mulla Nasrudin’s guest said to him, “You’re so fortunate that you don’t have to go to the mosque in this chilly cold outside.”
“Tell me about it!” said Mulla. “Thank God, I’m an atheist these days.”

Let go of whatever binds you. Be at ease with the change within you. Accept yourself.


(Image credit: Philip Gray)

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Revenge Sex

I hate it when you do this to me. It’s so very stupid. You are only pushing me away; making me want to give up on us.

Ignoring me is probably not how you should choose to deal with any dissatisfaction that I might have with you. Do you like having me around, or am I expendable? Because if that’s how you treat me or how you feel about me, I know I deserve better! That is definitely not how I want my best friend to treat me!

I’m sick of forgiving the same things over and over again. I’ve done that for Mr. Doom-n-Gloom for 20+ years. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing the same thing, just with another man.

It’s really only lateness and then ignoring me during a moody spell. But, to me, those are my two biggest irritation triggers!! And, to do them over and over again knowing how much they irk me (seemingly JUST to irk me!!!) and then not apologize for being an ass-hat! Even once!…???

That’s just stupid and ridiculous! And extremely selfish and insensitive!!!

Just like revenge sex!

Which is something I have the opportunity to do right now!!! Tonight. Something I am contemplating because I can. Because it’s something I can do that you will never know about — but, I will always have it for me.

You act so proud to have me when other men stare at my breasts or take a second look at me. You even point it out to me so I notice. But, if I get something free because of them, that guy is my “boyfriend”.

Maybe I should take advantage of that attractiveness and find someone who treats me the way I feel I should be treated. You used to. What happened?

Is it because I have told you time and time again that I am not going anywhere? Has that made you so comfortable that you are just not even trying to keep me any more? Because you see how that worked out for Mr. Gloom-n-Doom!

I would like for you to treat me the way that I treat you; I would like for you to think about how your actions will affect me; I would like for you to get over this awesomely stupid teenage behavior of ignoring people when you feel guilty for hurting them.

I want you to grow the fuck up!!!