Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

…Like I’ve Never Known…

Good afternoon (or whatever time it is when you get this 🙂 )tied

I found the other picture that I was telling you about. Yeah, it’s only decorative, but it can also present some nice handholds… And I did that by myself, so the point really was more art than function.

My mind keeps wandering back to Thursday night… And now yesterday [Sunday] afternoon… Maybe it was the rush of the wind and all the oxygen, but I don’t think it could have been more perfect while we were alone. Messing around with you in that pavilion was nice. Too bad we were interrupted – both times 😉 .. It would have been fun to see what might have happened if we had been allowed more time by ourselves. Those rafters were amazing and so strong… And thinking about being tied to your bike as you whip me… When I got home, my panties were quite wet!

Discussing what we want and are afraid to lose is going to be difficult for me because I am looking for something quite a bit different than you are. You’re right that we need to talk about it and know exactly where the other stands. You’re way better than I expected, Mick. It’s going to be difficult for me not to develop certain feelings for you and to start to get attached. Maybe part of the reason I initially chose you was because I thought, since you aren’t really my “type”, I would be able to keep it more clinical and keep some emotional distance. But I also like spending NON-sexual time with you…

Before yesterday I didn’t think much of it, but now I’m worried about seeing someone you know or “getting caught”…  Meeting your friends for lunch heightened my sense of paranoia quite a bit. And a funny thing… [She] mentioned that I looked like someone they already know, but I recognized both of them like I had actually met them somewhere before! I got a huge feeling of deja vu every single time I looked at [her]. I know I haven’t, but I really feel that I’ve met her before…

Anyway, when you read this, I might have already said most of it to you… Hopefully it isn’t too redundant.

Riding with you was so much fun for me. Thank you so much for letting me be a part of it!!
You’d better stop making me so happy or I’ll start getting used to it! LOL

XOXO

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Happy Thanksgiving

happy

This year I wasn’t going to do much of anything for Thanksgiving. Doom-n-Gloom and Thing #2 are going to a friend’s house and Thing #1 will be working.

I mentioned it briefly when I was over at Alaska’s house Tuesday night.

Wednesday afternoon I got the sweetest phone call. It was Alaska calling to ask if I would like to come over and spend Thanksgiving with his family and their friends.

I’ve already met some of his family and I thought it would be an interesting change from my normal quiet 4-person holiday…

With a family much different than the one I came from…

We talked about it for a minute and I accepted his invitation.

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Monday Motivation: Heart

“Any fool can be happy. It takes a man with real heart to make beauty out of the stuff that makes us weep.”

― Clive Barker, Days of Magic, Nights of War

from Pinterest

from Pinterest

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Simple vs. Complicated

FINE

As my emotions start to clear out of my head a bit, I am less confused on some things and more on others: less about TC and more about me.

Actually, TC is quite simple here. He’s not even being mean about it. He’s just being himself and I can’t fault him for that. He’s vulnerable with me in the ways he’s comfortable being vulnerable with me when he feels comfortable. It’s only confusing to me because he can be so open, but then he becomes so closed off. It’s like a switch is flipped, turning things inside of him on and off in an instant. I am not really defending him as much as stating a fact.

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“To Love and Be Loved Back”

love

Re-blog of the original post on Om Swami: 24 Jul 2015 05:30 PM PDT

I once read a quote that said, “Love me and I’ll move mountains for you. Hurt me and I’ll drop those mountains on your head.” I think this basically sums up two aspects of our lives. One, how love, or lack of it, can make us feel about someone (or ourselves) and two, how we have mistaken self-gratification for love. Does love really mean that you will always be happy in a relationship? We are naturally miffed when things don’t go our way or when the other person doesn’t behave the way we expect them to.

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Happy Hump Day!

Hump Day

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Please Don’t Burst My Happy Bubble

Let’s try this again today because this morning started with some cute and sexy texts 🙂

Good morning, sweet Loverman. Mmm! We are safe at work. I’ll call you when I’m leaving here tonight (because we’re going roller skating!)

Thanks, Sweetness. Tell Vanilla she is going to get it! All night she had Coconut up and going!

Sorry!

She is not sorry. She is probably laughing in your underwear right now. You have a nice day, baby, and I will talk to you guys later.

Happy Thought Bubble

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Ladies, Put Those Fake Orgasms “Out of Business”!

This lovely article was posted back in October of 2011, but I found it a few months ago and stowed it away for future reading and reflection (and I really love the Wizard of Oz connection at the end).

 

He Doesn’t Deserve Your Validation: Putting The Fake Orgasm Out of Business
by Yashar Ali

It’s great to be a man in our society, the perks seem to be endless. Everything is built with the intention of accommodating our needs. It’s fantastic, really. We men are constantly validated.

And the bedroom is one place where we receive consistent validation. I’m talking about women faking orgasms and giving us the sense that we’re the greatest lovers that have ever lived.

What a terrific arrangement for men. We get all the sexual pleasure and the feeling that we have satisfied the woman we’re sleeping with, without actually having done so.

A woman faking an orgasm is now sort of, just part of the deal, isn’t it? You just do it; it’s almost like something that’s passed down from generation to generation, like makeup tips or a recipe. It’s a gift women give to men, because it’ll just keep him satisfied and calm.

I couldn’t disagree more.

I think it’s a major offense to women and their sexual selves. And it shouldn’t be casual water cooler conversation nor should it be reserved for women’s magazines like Cosmopolitan.

The fake orgasm should be examined as a systemic problem in our society.

A Temple University study, featured in the CBS News column, “Study: Most Women Fake Orgasms—But Why?” shows around 60 percent of women have faked an orgasm.

This all comes down to conditioning. From a very early age, women taught to satisfy the fiery male ego. The fake orgasm is just another moment in which a woman sacrifices for a man without receiving anything in return and worse, it leaves them feeling sexually unfulfilled.

Today, when we see the female orgasm covered in the main stream, it’s dealt with in a comedic way. We see Meg Ryan’s character in When Harry Met Sally screaming at the top of her lungs (in a diner) or we see an Herbal Essences commercial with a woman having a massive orgasm over fabulous shampoo. We find the sound of a woman faking an orgasm to be funny.

It’s not. It’s the sound of an unsatisfied woman working to satisfy the already exploding male ego.

We don’t talk publicly about the orgasm gap in the mainstream—but that doesn’t surprise me. Our male-dominated society would never want to expose that women are faking orgasms, that men really aren’t satisfying women in droves.

However, the numbers reveal something more clarifying. According to the ABC News article, “Female Orgasm May Be Tied to ‘Rule of Thumb,’” 15 percent of surveyed women have NEVER had an orgasm (I wonder if its much higher in reality). And the same surveys show that 75 percent of women don’t reach orgasm during intercourse—that’s right, gentleman.

So why do women fake it?

Two major reasons stick out as I spoke with many women over the past two months: feeding the male ego and time.

“It just makes him happy, it feels more complete,” said one friend.

“But does it leaving YOU feeling complete?” I asked.

“No, it leaves me feeling like I am just a tool for his orgasm.”

That comment reminded me of what my friend D’Andra’s grandmother used to tell her, “Sex is for men, sex is for their benefit.”

Imagine growing up with that ideology…

Many women fake their orgasms as a means to end an un-pleasurable sexual process.

“I don’t have time. I can’t sit here while he plows away like a jack rabbit, it’s not fun for me when it’s like that.”

A woman writer I know mentioned that a man should never ask a woman if she fakes it.

I disagree. The male ego has been coddled for way too long. Enough is enough. We have to blow the cover off the secret world women are living and in this case, it’s a world where we get everything we want and they usually get nothing. And we teach women that it’s just the way things are and always have been.

This is how I see it: the fake orgasm is not compartmentalized from the rest of what women have to do. It sits at the core of a larger dismissal of a woman’s needs and desires, extrapolating across all parts of their lives, work, life, home. Women are not simply a tool for our sexual pleasure, they are ultimately a tool for making every part of our lives easier.

Many of the women I’ve talked with see faking an orgasm as a little gift, a favor for the man they’re with. That makes no sense to me. Faking an orgasm is not like making him a snack after he comes home from work or remembering what kind of beer he likes to drink.

It’s not that having an orgasm is critical during every sexual juncture; it’s that faking it takes women away from themselves. Faking it with any regularity generally leads to a path of a lifetime of sexual dissatisfaction, and dissatisfaction in general.

But too many women treat sex as an activity left in the bedroom—they see it as an isolated activity. I disagree. Sex is important and if the man displays a lack of care in the bedroom, is he thoughtful in other areas of a woman’s life?

As I’ve noted in previous columns, we condition men to maintain women, to keep them satisfied on a periodic basis. We don’t condition them to think about their day-to-day needs—the same basic needs women think about with regard to the men in their life.

Most women have yet to discover their true sexual power—not power over others—but the power they can feel within themselves. So when men maintain women by doing a little here and there in the bedroom, and women fake it, it just leads to a diminishing of female power.

What I find to be remarkable is the lengths to which this culture will go to ensure men are sexually satisfied. We spend billions of dollars to produce drugs, like Viagra and Cialis, for erectile dysfunction, providing seventy-year-old men with the possibility of a thirty-six hour erection. But discussion about the millions of women who don’t have orgasms or are sexually dissatisfied is shoved into the fringes.

Most of the women I spoke to saw porn, and the men who watch it regularly, as a root cause for this need to fake orgasms. For the record, I don’t fundamentally see a problem with porn. Rather, my issue is with the kind of porn that is defined as mainstream and is made specifically for men. An entire generation of porn watching men (thanks to the internet), now have this idea that women climax by instantly screaming at the top of their lungs as soon as they see a penis…give me a break.

My friend Nina Hartley, feminist, registered nurse, and porn icon, has a take on porn that may come as unexpected, given her vocation, “Well, if any person is watching porn to get an idea of how actual people have sex, then they need their heads examined. Porn is FANTASY, like a live-action cartoon, and shouldn’t be taken seriously as sex ed.”

But there seems to be a bigger issue here: how our society sees women and their needs.

“Women are so complicated,” one of my guy friends said, when I asked him about women’s sexual needs.

No, actually they’re not. While certain women may need more concentration, effort, or focus to reach orgasm, I don’t think that makes them complicated.

We persist in this illusion that women are sexually and emotional complicated so we don’t have to show them the care and affection they need. We can put it on them. It’s really easy to say, “Oh, she’s so complicated,” as if a woman is a labyrinth that only three men in the world can solve.

As a result, we can justify why we don’t or can’t give her what she needs, because it’s just too hard to figure her out.

There’s a pretty simple formula here: women want what we men want.

Don’t be a jerk. Ask her what she wants, and when she tells you, see it as a fantastic opportunity to please her. Don’t think it’s a personal assault on your manhood. Basically, do what she does for you.

For most men, sex is carnal; it’s about the raw pleasure. But for too many women, sex is often a cerebral process. One in which they have to think and plan when to fake an orgasm, when to make everything perfect for the man in their lives. They are pleasing our massive egos, instead of pleasing themselves.

I’m tired of the fake orgasm being treated by women’s magazines like the newest lipstick color or the season’s best handbag. We treat a woman faking an orgasm so casually. It is a BIG deal. It should no longer be seen as an act of convenience or consideration, but rather, an act of submission: submission to the male ego and submission to our screwed up rules about women and sexuality. We condition and encourage women to submit across the board, and in the case of sex, it is the most fundamental part of a woman’s identity, whether they know it or not. And by her sexual identity, I am not necessarily saying that it’s about sex with others, I am referring to her sexual self.

So how does this all boil down in terms of the role men have to play? I think in terms of our perception of sex, women see it as an experience and men are conditioned to see it as a performance. We see it as a one-man performance, one in which we are the star, the director, the producer—it’s how we condition men to exist in life with respect to the way in which they relate to women.

It’s like the Wizard of Oz. On the surface, you see a lot pomp and circumstance, but if you peek behind the curtain, there’s a scared little man who has not only been taught to focus on himself, but has also been taught that focusing and pleasing a woman, on her terms, is an act of submission and weakness.

I try to avoid being and sounding prescriptive in my writing, but in this case I am begging women to put the fake orgasm out of business. Men don’t need or deserve more validation—we get it every day, in many different ways.

It’s time for women to seek the sexual (and all other types of) pleasure that has been, for too long, absent or lost in their lives.

And it’s time for men to stop automatically assuming that they are fantastic in bed.

Frankly, it’s time for men to assume we aren’t that great in bed, until we are told otherwise…and not by a fake orgasm.

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The husband seems very much like the man in the article that said, “Women are too complicated.” He used to finger me until I told him he was hurting me, then he would climb on top and ‘assume the position’. The foreplay always hurt because he applied way too much pressure with the heel of his hand on my pelvis (I would feel tender like a bruise for days, and not in the good way), and he would never in a million years kiss me down there (I stopped giving him blow jobs a long, long time ago because of it)! Then, he would slip his dick in me and, 4-10 thrusts later he would be done and regaling his fantasticness to me: “That was the awesome! That was the best sex we ever had. Was it good for you?” He stopped fucking me when I stopped saying Yes. I just got sick of gratifying his ego when I was left unsatisfied and uncomfortable.

A perfect example:
The very last time we had sex it was in the afternoon, (about 3 years ago) he did the finger-bang thing to me (literally), stuck his dick in me three times (I am NOT kidding), came inside of me, slumped his 315-pound body down onto mine in a huff and told me over and over again how awesome it was (like the more he said it the better it would be for me. Also, he was making it last longer by cuddling smothering being with me.). He asked, “Did you come?” Under his massive weight I managed to squeeze out the words, “No. I didn’t.” He peeled his body away from mine (yay, I could breathe again!), huffed at me, slammed the bathroom door and took a shower by himself. After that he didn’t speak to me for 2 days. No Shit! No wonder I faked orgasms for this guy! I could give a shit if he felt complete because I sure as hell didn’t, and I was sick of it! I was just “a tool for his orgasm” and I had my own tools for orgasms in my dresser… Also, I had Loverman…

That is the day I started sleeping on the couch.

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Maybe I had to have experience with an exponentially-shitty lover so I can be ever-so-much more thankful for Loverman! I am so glad that he has shown me that my body is a wonderland. He has caused me to realize a sexuality inside of myself I never knew existed!

He loves to love my body as I love to love his. Every time we are together it’s like exploring new territory — even after we’ve already covered so much! And I can now feel the female sexual power coursing throughout me — something the husband was unwilling (or too lazy, or too cowardly, or too selfish) to help me discover.

Watch out boys, because this girl has stopped faking it forever!

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