Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Monday Motivation: Mr. Rogers

“Anything that’s human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we are not alone.” ~ Fred Rogers

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If You Thought You Knew How Awesome Mr. Rogers Was, Wait Until You See This – click to be redirected 🙂

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Lost

lost

As time passes and I get farther and farther away from my last contact with Loserman, I feel more and more lost.

Every day I think of a new reason to call him – or I just end up mulling over the old ones.

  • The valve cover gasket in Breezy is leaking oil into the spark plugs and needs to be replaced. As you may already know, he’s always been my mechanic and he’s the one who rebuilt Breezy’s engine.
  • I still have his roller skates in a duffel bag in my back seat. I want to call him and ask if he wants them (and I miss my skate partner)
  • Next Monday is my birthday… Having a good day with him is all I want as a gift.

The biggest reason I don’t reach out to him is fear of rejection.

And, I guess if I had to be honest, pride…

There were really bad parts to our relationship, especially at the end when he seemed to turn into someone else.

But, before that, there were amazing times.

If there wasn’t, I never would have started this blog and named it what I did.

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Replies

listen

I have to confess that I am terribly hurt by TC’s response to my email. I spent all day Tuesday thinking about how I wanted explain my feelings to him. I didn’t want to be hurtful, just honest. Admittedly, my note originally started off as a bulleted list, but ultimately I decided THAT WOULD BE TOO FUCKING BITCHY.

Regardless, here is TC’s very simple and brief reply. Nothing less and nothing more than a bulleted fucking list

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Baby Steps

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He said he gave me a 6.5 because he wanted to be honest.

I appreciate that. It gives me something to work towards.

I am not denying that it hurt or that it was a pretty huge blow to my ego (whether or not I am actually a 6.5).

We talked about it at breakfast Friday. He told me that he mentioned it to 2 of his friends and they thought he shouldn’t have been such a dick about it so blunt. Although he agreed there could have been a kinder way to say it, it worked out fine this way, too…

Because, either way, it’s important that I know if I am or am not pleasing to my lover, right? What kind of sub would I be if I didn’t care how good he thought I was? Or how good he thought I felt or performed.. I want him to be proud of me… Pleased with me… Pleasured by me…

I am not changing for him, but we are learning each other.

Does that make sense?

Also, it’s possible he was trying to gauge my emotions and how I will react to different things – a bit of a test maybe. Not to be an asshole, but to get to know me/feel me out. He eluded to it a bit at the beginning of our breakfast Friday.

It was something he said and his words totally perplexed me… It was strange. He saw it on my face but didn’t ask me about it – I could tell and appreciate that he held back.

Incidentally, Mr. X confided in me that he thought I was going to “break up” with him for his 6.5 comment. It actually felt reassuring that he thinks about those types of things sometimes, too…

We are still just getting to know each other.

Baby steps.

We’re jumping into a pretty huge adventure together.

Baby steps.

Both of us learning something new.

Exploring that side of ourselves together.

We’re being straightforward-honest with each other and, in that, vulnerable to the core.

As far as I’m concerned, so far so good! 😀

Mr. X told me, “We’re building a skyscraper and we can’t do that overnight. We’re on the 2nd floor. Be patient.”

Baby steps.

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