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Respect

Ugh…

Monday night I finally decided to talk to Alaska about his lack of respect for my time and money.

It started with, “Get me a beer.”

As I walked to the kitchen to get a new beer that *I* had paid for (since he drank the rest of my last 6-pack – that I paid for…), I grumbled, “You know, just a little appreciation and thanks goes a long way.”

“What’s that?” He asked.

I repeated myself.

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A Meeting With Mr. X

A Meeting With Mr. X

Photo Credit: lanier67
Photo Credit: lanier67

Mr. X and I met briefly last week after a brief and uncomfortable text conversation. I was going to share it with you here, but it’s longer than I remembered it to be.

In short, we decided to meet so we could hash a few issues out face-to-face.

I was nervous because of some things I said to him before he left town on some family business.

We talked about our situation and how it needs to work for both of us. (I have to admit that I am really starting to like this “open communication” and honesty thing. Especially when my ‘partner’ doesn’t hate me for sharing my feelings…)

  • He agreed only to tell me about future “plans” or fun things we’re going to do if he’s at least 75% sure it’s going to happen (or 80%, I can’t remember…). Anything less than that and he has to keep it to himself so I don’t get my hopes up 😉
  • I agreed that I need to back off. I need to practice patience. He totally spoiled me at the beginning with attention (not a complaint, just an observation) and I got used to it. In fact I loved it, even though I knew that it couldn’t possibly be that way all the time.

It’s surprising how attached I have become to him in such a short time. We’ve only ‘known’ each other since the end of November, but he already knows so much about me.

Even more than Loserman did.

And Mr. X still likes me…

Baby Steps

Baby Steps

HonestyFoundationTrust

He said he gave me a 6.5 because he wanted to be honest.

I appreciate that. It gives me something to work towards.

I am not denying that it hurt or that it was a pretty huge blow to my ego (whether or not I am actually a 6.5).

We talked about it at breakfast Friday. He told me that he mentioned it to 2 of his friends and they thought he shouldn’t have been such a dick about it so blunt. Although he agreed there could have been a kinder way to say it, it worked out fine this way, too…

Because, either way, it’s important that I know if I am or am not pleasing to my lover, right? What kind of sub would I be if I didn’t care how good he thought I was? Or how good he thought I felt or performed.. I want him to be proud of me… Pleased with me… Pleasured by me…

I am not changing for him, but we are learning each other.

Does that make sense?

Also, it’s possible he was trying to gauge my emotions and how I will react to different things – a bit of a test maybe. Not to be an asshole, but to get to know me/feel me out. He eluded to it a bit at the beginning of our breakfast Friday.

It was something he said and his words totally perplexed me… It was strange. He saw it on my face but didn’t ask me about it – I could tell and appreciate that he held back.

Incidentally, Mr. X confided in me that he thought I was going to “break up” with him for his 6.5 comment. It actually felt reassuring that he thinks about those types of things sometimes, too…

We are still just getting to know each other.

Baby steps.

We’re jumping into a pretty huge adventure together.

Baby steps.

Both of us learning something new.

Exploring that side of ourselves together.

We’re being straightforward-honest with each other and, in that, vulnerable to the core.

As far as I’m concerned, so far so good! 😀

Mr. X told me, “We’re building a skyscraper and we can’t do that overnight. We’re on the 2nd floor. Be patient.”

Baby steps.

Do you expect honesty?

Do you expect honesty?

This lovely post ❤ by The Woman Invisible got me to thinking about affairs and trust and how I cannot be trusted. Not even by Loverman.

… … … … … …

I don’t expect honesty from Loverman, he just gives it to me (I think…). I have no reason to believe that he has lied to me or cheated on me, but if he did I don’t think I would be able to say anything… We have had a lot of talks about jealousy. He has a huge green monster lurking inside of him that he denies. Every girl he has been with, has cheated on him — to the point where he actually caught all of them in the act. I believe him. There’s no reason for me not to.

However, in regards to trusting me… There was a 4-month period when Loverman refused to talk to me; he wouldn’t return my calls or respond to emails, voicemails or texts. It was after we had only been together for about 16 months – almost 6 years ago now… I was an absolute mess; completely attached to him and feeling abandoned by the side of the road. I was trying to hook-up with strangers on Craig’s List and Ashley Madison; I was going out to bars and getting drunk, trying to get someone to fuck me. I ended up with 1 one-night-stand and a FWB situation that did not turn out well. I know that this is the kind of person that I am…

I am not trying to justify my cheating behavior, but I am saying that (in my case) there is truth to the statement “once a cheater, always a cheater”. Even now, when I think about fucking around I am doing it to get back at my husband and parents. I don’t want to hurt Loverman, but I want to hurt the hell out of my husband and I want to disappoint the hell out of my parents.

When I read it here, it sounds insane…