Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Garbage

SoulmateLessons

He threw me out like trash

Like not talking to me wouldn’t hurt

Fading away like a ghost

Who still lingers and haunts

Maybe that’s my problem

Why I can’t get over him

Why I can’t seem to really like anyone

Including myself

“Comparison is the thief of joy,” said Teddy Roosevelt

When will I stop comparing what I had with him

To what I could have with someone else?

Juggling boys like bowling pins

Two years?

Four years?

A lifetime?

Will time even help?

Delusion

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Quote of the Day: Louis CK

hurt_LouisCK

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Long Term

I was completely blind(side)ed by Loserman when he stopped talking to me.

Finally, after a solid year without him (*mostly), I think I am able to start sorting things out.

from Pinterest

from Pinterest

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Idealized Realized

Know_feel

It’s been almost a year now and I still hate you for leaving me.

But I also hate you for even finding me to begin with, and for staying with me for as long as you did.

What the fuck? I ask myself. Why did you have to be the one to help me find myself?

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Too Much Too Soon

Why can’t I ease into things?

Mick has a girlfriend. I thought I could be okay with that.

More importantly, he thought he could be okay with that.

It turns out that neither of us is okay with that because, well, feelings…

Goddamn feelings!

I’ve brought them up already with him a couple of times.

After spending our second night together last Thursday, Mick took great care of me. When he finished whipping my back, he rubbed oil into the lashings. After he was finished torturing my nipples, he kissed them with his sweet, warm lips and caressed them with his tongue.

And I fell asleep curled in his arms, just as I like.

Since last Friday I’ve had these fucking feelings:

I like Mick. I want to do things with him. Things other than have him smack me around and fuck me.

It would be nice if we could walk across a parking lot, holding hands, without him thinking he just saw his girlfriend’s car drive by.

Or if we could talk outside anywhere without him worrying that we’ll see someone he knows.

He’s having feelings about all that, too.  Along with feeling conflicted because he’s starting to care about me and doesn’t feel as comfortable physically hurting someone he cares about.

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Do You Think This Was Too Mean?

After TC broke up with me, I returned the bras and panties he gave to me, along with this letter:

image

I probably shouldn’t have said what I did, but I am very upset that he didn’t have the grown-up-man parts to have an actual conversation with me to dump my ass. So, I wanted to be a total fucking bitch (well, not “total” – I really did hold back from “going Chernobyl” on his ass. It could have been much worse. Who knows, maybe it will be when if he sends back my necklace.)

But, at the end I was still a tiny bit nice…

And I meant what I said.

Every

Single

Word

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A Whole Different Person

alone

Right now I am on my second visit to TC.

I have total mixed feelings about it. Sometimes I am totally excited and then, other times…

I don’t know, you tell me –

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Replies

listen

I have to confess that I am terribly hurt by TC’s response to my email. I spent all day Tuesday thinking about how I wanted explain my feelings to him. I didn’t want to be hurtful, just honest. Admittedly, my note originally started off as a bulleted list, but ultimately I decided THAT WOULD BE TOO FUCKING BITCHY.

Regardless, here is TC’s very simple and brief reply. Nothing less and nothing more than a bulleted fucking list

ToMe2

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Did You Even Notice?

Lovers by Ivan Koulakov

Lovers
by Ivan Koulakov

My dream was that you would always be my “Papa Bear”

That you would take care of me

And I you

That I would be able make you proud

And you would be able to forgive me when I didn’t

I tried to help you slay demons from your past

I tried to help set your spirit free

I showed you everything I am

I gave you forgiveness

I wanted you to trust me

I needed you to trust me

…to be as vulnerable with me as I was with you

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