Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

The Silent Treatment: Episode #2

We can't control who we meet or who we fall in love with, or whether we will have our hearts broken all we can do is hope that person loves us enough not to hurt us.

I have no idea why the fuck you are ignoring me this time!

It hurts me when you do that.

You know it

Yet you choose to hurt me anyway

Why?

Why do you do that?

There was something you said the other night as we were trying to get comfortable in bed together

Something hurtful about how you knew that getting stuck in two hours of traffic was going to come back and bite you in the ass

In fact, it is actually the choices you made leading up to that two-hour traffic delay that bit you in the ass.

You decided, at the last minute, after we had already made plans to be together, to drive 1 hour in the complete opposite direction to help someone you barely know fix his fucking vehicle.

Then you ran into “complications” and it took a lot longer than you had anticipated.

On top of it, you never called to tell me that you had decided to make this change in plans.

Well…

I actually wanted to call off the date at 8PM. I told myself that was as long as I was going to wait.

But, I waited for you 40 minutes longer than that

Because you called and stayed on the phone with me for those 40 minutes

Because I thought that was such a sweet and thoughtful gesture

Because I thought, together, we could overcome the horribleness of the evening

We have before

But, this time we did not

Maybe it was mecute quotes and sayings about love. cute love quotes and sayings

Maybe it was you

Maybe it was the fucking moon!

Maybe it was nothing…

But, does that make it okay for you to ignore me now?

To completely shut me out of your heart, where I am usually so welcome and comfortable?

Won’t you please tell me what I really am to you?

Am I your best friend, too?

Or am I just a convenient fuck-buddy who shares similar interests as you?

Someone who can easily be shunned or set to the side when you’re “in a mood” or you’re “wore out with it”?

How nice it is that you can just shut me out of your mind when the thought of me becomes inconvenient or unpleasant?

How many more times do you think you can do that to me before I stop calling you over and over again to see if we’re okay?

Before I stop sending you those good-morning texts to let you know I made it to work safe?

Lately, your fallback excuse has been, “I guess I’m just getting old.”

What happened to, “It’s my duty to please your booty!”?

Will you even notice when I am not around?

Will you feel that same emptiness in your heart as I do?

Like you’re missing a piece of yourself?

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The Silent Treatment

Mask of Loneliness
by ~Dhevi

First, I want to say “Thank you” to everyone who reads my words. Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for coming here to read what I am saying. Thank you for letting me share my journal with you. Thank you for your help and kind advice.

Sometimes I think that I am over-reacting or being melodramatic. This is one of those times, but I feel totally wretched inside and my heart really hurts and it doesn’t feel like it’s over-reacting.

Loverman is completely ignoring me now. I sent him three text messages last night with no response.

  1. 6:05PM – We’re home (when I got home safe — still trying to follow the rules… Stupid me!)
  2. 9:15PM (I tried to call him first. Ring, no answer.) – Hey there, sexy pants. Do I still get to go out with you tomorrow night? (Reaching out just in case… Again, stupid me!)
  3. 11:40PM – I wish I knew you were okay, too. (because I couldn’t sleep. I was very angry and starting to worry that he’s really NOT okay!)

I promised myself that if I didn’t get a response after I sent the 3rd message, I would just leave him alone until he decides it’s time to talk to me again.

He didn’t even have the decency to say, “Leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you right now. Give me a couple days”, or anything like that. I think that would hurt less (maybe, I don’t know. It might be better to actually know he’s ignoring me and not hurt or in jail or something). At least then I would know something.

I broke my promise to myself (one of the biggest causes of unhappiness, according to Karen Sahlmanson — you should seriously read this article!!) and called him anyway because I still can’t control my impulses…

…I care so much about him…

…I can’t believe he’s treating me like this…

…My love isn’t conditional, but it sure as hell isn’t UNconditional! WTF!?!? …

…How many more times do I let him do this to me without telling him how it makes me feel?

This morning his phone is turned off. He never turns off his phone. If he turns it off then people can’t call him for his mechanic business.

It’s tearing me up inside but I’m trying so hard not to let it. I’m trying not to take it personally — even though I am pretty sure it is. I don’t even know what I did wrong! Is he upset because I got upset with him? I know that he’s feeling helpless and hopeless right now and that his pride is probably wounded, but does he have to take it out on me? What purpose does that serve? Usually we’re there for each other when there are problems. Did his car get repossessed and he’s too chicken-shit to tell me? How do I know if he’s okay? If he doesn’t care enough to let me know, then why should I?

But, this one thing keeps repeating over and over in my head, I can’t make it stop:

I can’t believe that he thinks it’s okay to treat his best friend like this!

Tonight I am still going “up the hill” to the casino with the cute-bartender guy, but I think I will have wine instead of tequila shots. I packed clothes for tomorrow because, whether or not Loverman responds(ed), I still intend(ed) to go up there and have fun and possibly have some more serious impulse control issues (I know, I know, that will not make me feel any better. Or, will it?) 😉 (j/k — I think)

bloodrose separator

I was going to write a post today about how I got all of my blood test results back yesterday afternoon and how proud I am of the results. Now I can’t wait to talk to the doctor on Friday because I think I will get a clean bill of health. Yay!

I am just going to try and focus on that good news all day (and the fun I will be having tonight all by myself!) because I am so proud of what I have done for me!! Huggs to me for “staying the course” and getting so healthy!!!

And these words may or may not help me, but I need to keep repeating them like a mantra (sometimes they bring me peace, sometimes they make me cry):

Everything that comes must also go. Like a breath, friends cannot be held forever.

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Twirling

“There are times when we stop, we sit still. We listen and breezes from a whole other world begin to whisper.”
James Carroll

I don’t really have any words to express how I feel. That’s why my blog pages have been so blank the last couple of weeks. I think I sat still too long and let the whispering breezes from another world get the better of me…

There’s a lot of confusion and hurt running rampant in my brain and I haven’t been able to find the words to help me describe it. The best word I can use to describe it is: twirling. Except for this type of twirling isn’t like spinning for the sheer joy of spinning, or anything like that.

I feel a breeze of bewilderment with a shade of hurt in there, but I can’t figure out where the hurt is coming from. I think there’s love and some brightness, too, but right now they’re overwhelmed by the other feelings and emotions twirling around inside with them.

Why do I feel so bewildered and overwhelmed? What’s causing the hurt? Why can’t I figure it out and make it stop? I’m afraid that I am ignoring some of the whispering breezes on purpose; maybe I don’t want to hear what they are telling me.

Maybe it’s just a phase…

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Choices

*“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It’s one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it’s another to think that yours is the only path.” ~ Paulo Coelho

Our choices are what make each of us an individual.
Make the best choices you can each time you make them.
Some choices will be wrong, some will be right.
Some choices will hurt people for good, some choices will hurt people for bad.
But remember that each time we choose, we ourselves will change and grow and learn from that choice, making us a new person each day we awake.

Choose to love yourself for all your choices – you wouldn’t be you without them!

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