Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Saying “I Love You”

Image result for saying i love you

Sometimes those three words are easy to say.

…to my daughters, my friends…

Other times, even thinking about their utterance is frightening.

I yearn to tell Alaska that I love him, but I don’t.

Is it fear of rejection?

I know he won’t reject me…

If he was going to reject me, it would have been long before now. Read the rest of this entry »


Speechless and Senseless


I hate how there are tons of things I want to write to you; about you.

But when I start to put the thoughts to words, the ideas just seem stupid. Read the rest of this entry »


Getting Along With Mother

My mother sent me a bitchy email last Friday. I would like to dissect the hell out of it, starting with “Happy Friday”, but I will refrain.

Moms email

Then I sent one back to her. Not quite as bitchy as hers but definitely upset (you can fill in all but one of the black spots below with Thing #1).

Moms email my response

There is some back story here that you don’t know, but I think this pretty much makes sense without any more context.

She called me back that evening at 6:30 my time. I refused to answer it, because I was still on my commute home, and I had definitely NOT cooled down yet.

She left a message.

If you can’t tell, I really don’t like my mother. Not that it matters, but no one else does either (there’s a blog-troll who lurks around here and she reminds me of my mother)

After I had a more sufficient amount of time to cool off, I left her a voicemail early Sunday afternoon. I wrote it all down before I called her, and I did not deviate from the words I wrote. I said:

I decided to leave you a message today instead of calling you directly because I know that Sunday can be a busy day for you and I didn’t want to interrupt something that you already have going on. Also, I need to tell you that I am still very upset with you about Friday and I don’t think that I am ready to have a conversation with you that is not emotionally charged. Communication with you is very challenging for me because it brings up a lot of past emotions that I would rather leave in the past. But, if you still feel the need to talk to me about this, I will be available this afternoon to take your call.

About 40 minutes later, she called me back. She started off the conversation by apologizing profusely and told me that she was really frustrated with my daughter and it was wrong for her to take those feelings of anger out on me.

Then she said, “Except Thing #1 won’t return my phone calls or talk to me.” (Gee, Mom. I wonder why that is…)

My mother and I have never had a relationship. I will take half of the blame, but she won’t take any. We have just recently been able to act more like mother and daughter in a civil-type way, but it’s very, very difficult and I only do it for HER sake.

Near the end of the conversation, my mom said/asked, “I’ve taken my part and apologized for saying hateful things in the heat of the moment, don’t you regret some of the things you said to me?”

My response was, “No, Mom. I thought really hard about what I was going to say to you both in my email Friday and today while we’ve been talking. I have tried not to be accusatory and I was very honest with you about my feelings.”

“Well, then, I guess there’s nothing left to say.”

“I guess not. Have a good afternoon, Mom.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

(I hate saying those words when I don’t feel them. It makes them completely meaningless.)

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Ummm… Ashley Madison…

… contacted me last week and asked if I would be willing to do an interview with ABC’s Nightline regarding why women have affairs. I will wager a bet that some of you were contacted, too.

I accepted the invitation and had an interview with the CEO Wednesday during my lunch break and a conference call interview with one of ABC’s producers Thursday afternoon!


I am wondering: What are my chances of actually being on television?

“Your anonymity is guaranteed. Last time they interviewed our member, they only showed a side-shot of the lower part of her face and changed her voice. That said, if you go forward with this opportunity you will have the control to determine how you are presented on screen.”

Clearly my first interview went well because they asked me to do a second one. I thought the second interview went even better! I was candid about my relationship with Doom-n-Gloom and I touched briefly on my relationship with Loverman and then they asked if I had recently gone on a date with someone I met through Ashley Madison. That was awesome because, not only had I recently had a date with someone I met on AM, it went well, too!

The ABC producer had a lot of great questions. My favorite was: do you think that men and women cheat for different reasons? If so, what do you think they are?

I think both men and women cheat because validation is missing in their relationship, but the types of validation are different for each of the sexes.

Women cheat because men stop working on their relationship. Men get comfortable and stop saying, “I love you” or doing loving things for their women as frequently because you already know I love you, baby. Why do I have to keep telling you. Men start to get lazy and no longer try to “woo” their lady any more.

Men cheat because their women stopped taking care of themselves. Women get married and stop trying to be fit; they get mean and over-critical; they get fat, stop wearing make-up and never dress up any more; they no longer look or act sexually stimulating. Men are visually stimulated. Period.

I probably should have told them something about my blog, but I don’t know if I want them to come here. I still have time to tell them things that I “remember” or I didn’t have a chance to tell them.

Do YOU think I should tell them about my blog?

Have any of you been contacted by AM to do this Nightline special?

P.S. If I am chosen, I will totally tell you guys so you can watch/record it!!!


The Way Young Lovers Do

The Way Young Lovers Do
by Van Morrison

We strolled through fields all wet with rain
And back along the lane again
There in the sunshine
In the sweet summertime
The way that young lovers do

I kissed you on the lips once more
And we said goodbye just adoring the nighttime
Yeah, that’s the right time
To feel the way that young lovers do
Then we sat on our own star and dreamed of the way that we were
and the way that we were meant to be
Then we sat on our own star and dreamed of the way that I was for you
and you were for me

And then we danced the night away
And turned to each other, say, ‘I love you, I love you’
The way that young lovers do

Do, do, do, do…

Then we sat on our star and dreamed of the way that we were and the way
that we wanted to be
Then we sat on our own star and dreamed of the way that I was for you
and you were for me
I went on to dance the night away
And turned to each other, say, ‘I love you, baby, I love you’
The way that young lovers do, lovers do, lovers do

Do, do, do, do….

Happy Valentine's Day by evelivesey on DeviantArt

Happy Valentine’s Day
by evelivesey on DeviantArt

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So Many Times

cuddlingSo many times

I lay warm and contented

In the nook of his shoulder

Naked and peaceful

Exposed and vulnerable

Sweaty and sated

Just as many times

When I move to leave the bed

He pulls me ever closer

Nestling his face in my hair

Breathing in the scent of me

The scent of us

I know he wants to say it too

All of those times

It’s so difficult to get up

I want to lay there and tell him

Over and over

“I love you!”

Until I have lost all ability

To say it again


They’re Just Words So Why Are They So Important?

Sometimes it’s very, very hard not being able to say, “I love you”

I know we show each other all the time, but sometimes I want to say it so badly it brings tears to my eyes.

I don’t know what it is about those three words that moves me — they’re just words. I am forever saying how I can make up a bunch of words to say things that aren’t true – they’re just words. I am always telling myself and my daughters how “actions speak louder than words”. Constantly I inundate myself with motivational quotes about how goodness begets goodness, etc…

So, why are those three words such an emotional trigger for me?

Maybe it’s because I’m PMS-y right now; maybe it’s because my bitch-face co-worker keeps acting like my 15-year-old daughter-on-the-rampage (or Mr. Doom-n-Gloom); maybe it’s because I just miss my sexy Loverman today (but you just saw him this morning).

Who knows?