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Saying “I Love You”

Image result for saying i love you

Sometimes those three words are easy to say.

…to my daughters, my friends…

Other times, even thinking about their utterance is frightening.

I yearn to tell Alaska that I love him, but I don’t.

Is it fear of rejection?

I know he won’t reject me…

If he was going to reject me, it would have been long before now. Read more

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…you know, if you say a word enough times, it no longer sounds like a word… it doesn’t even look like one really…

hypocrite

I am such a hypocrite.

When I am dating (aka: fucking) someone on the regular, somehow I feel it’s okay to get possessive/jealous and not want their dicks to be in any other women’s holes,

yet *I* still continue to “play the field”

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Puzzle Pieces

Puzzle Pieces

It wasn’t long after I started messing around with Alaska that I had a painful realization about my “relationship” with my father.

I think it was at the end of the very first night he really spanked me hard and marked me.

As he was holding me in his arms and my ass was glowing red, I started to cry.

I couldn’t remember the last time my father touched me.

In fact, I struggled to remember if he ever had.

That’s probably when I started getting attached.

But Alaska wasn’t emotionally available.

EmotionallyUnavailable

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Craigslist Date #1

Craigslist Date #1

So… I went on dates with two of the gentlemen that I weeded out from craigslist.

#1 was a total flop, but not until two days after our actual date.

I was going to call him Bruce because he looked so much like Bruce Campbell did 10 years ago (when BC was the same age as the man I went out with Tuesday night – except craigslist Bruce had a much weaker chin 😉 ). Our date seemed to go well. I liked him. I gave up my weekly gymnastics session to meet him. I even mentioned him in my pitiful post about Loserman’s birthday. He seemed nice at first, but they all seem that way at first, right?

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Words About My Weekend

Words About My Weekend

I have all sorts of thoughts racing around in my head. If this is fragmented, I apologize. It’s just my frustrated thoughts.

The trip to my Caregiver last Friday night went much worse than I expected. *sigh*

Like every other time when I go to buy my stuff from her, I gave my Caregiver a hug right away, put my money on the counter, and asked her for what I wanted.

This time she said, “I don’t think so, Hita. Not right now. First I think we need to talk about what’s been going on at work the last couple of weeks. I’m really upset with the way you’ve been treating my daughter .”

The look on her face and the tone in her voice led me to believe that she was going to be cutting me off.

I asked if I could sit down and take off my jacket (I wanted to get comfortable for the rest of my “talking to”, and I also wanted to listen to what she had to say because I really respect this woman). She told me to make myself comfortable and then asked me if I wanted a glass of water.

“No, thank you.” I responded.

Before I went over to her house, I expected that she was going to want to talk with me about how things are going at work; about my interactions with her daughter. I actually wanted to talk to my Caregiver about it and see if there is a different way that I can approach her daughter.

I also hoped that maybe she wanted to hear my side of the story.

She didn’t, at least not until all of the very worst things had been said.

I am an idiot to have thought that initially would want to hear my side of the story. According to her daughter, I had been a complete ogre to her for the last two weeks.

My Caregiver proceeded to stand in front of me and tell me all the things wrong that I had said to her daughter.

The Off-the-Chain-Crazy-Girl that I work with has been lying to people outside of my normal circle (yet whom I still respect) about what I am saying to her. Apparently, I told the Crazy Girl that I don’t want to be best friends any more (???), and I told her she treats me just as badly as she treats her boyfriend (every time he makes her unhappy she threatens to leave him, then she fucks him later to ‘make it right’ – I would be happy if she left me!).

I never said a single one of those things to Crazy Girl.

I guess I make the poor girl cry every single day and now all the people in my office can’t stand being around me because of it. The exact words from my Caregiver’s mouth were, “Nobody in your office likes you right now.”

My heart fell out of my chest onto the floor and I think I stopped breathing. I thought that most of the people I worked with, the 5 agents in the office, liked me just fine. Boss-Lady gave me my annual review just last week and told me that I was doing really well working with the people around me and is proud of my improvement.

In my head, I was ready to put my jacket back on and leave. But, like I said, I respect this woman. She has helped me through some difficult emotional times and I appreciate her straightforward point of view — and I really REALLY wanted to buy my drugs(!!!).

Eventually, after she had broken me down to the point of trembling and barely being able to breathe, she let me defend myself.

I told her that I understood her protecting her daughter and I appreciated it because I have daughters, too.

I explained that I never said those things to her daughter. Not once. Ever.

I said that Crazy Girl has a tendency to take things very personally when I am simply being professional. I explained that I have been a trainer at several of my past jobs and have NEVER had these kinds of problems when I am trying to teach someone something.

It’s like Crazy Girl is holding me responsible because she feels stupid when she finds out how simple the thing was… You know? She even calls herself an idiot after I help her. *I* don’t.

My Caregiver heard everything I had to say and apologized for hurting my feelings and bringing up the whole thing.

But she had to. In order for our relationship to survive, she had to concede a small bit and I had to listen to an hour of slander.

It hurt and I am SO glad that I had today off (Columbus Day, bank holiday).

I don’t think it was a long enough time to erase the hurtful things I heard on Friday night. I will just have to hunker down and work on the budgets and try not to think about the lies that my crazy co-worker is telling about me behind my back. *sigh*

I don’t know how to be anyone else but myself…

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Saturday night, right after I parked my truck at the skating rink, my friend ‘Amy’ knocked on the passenger window and asked if she could get in. She needed to talk.

I unlocked the door. She sat down next to me, closed the door and started to cry.

She told me that, about a month ago she got herself involved with Sexy Skaterman. She had just broken up with him that morning.

It turns out that she couldn’t handle all of his sexy talking to other women (and sexy touching). Even when he told her that he was “just talking to them, baby. It’s nothing.”

Last Thursday night, someone approached Amy and told her that she shouldn’t get involved with Sexy Skaterman because he was a player.

That, along with him touching some other woman all night Friday while they were supposed to be on a date, made her rethink her “relationship” with him! Then, he took her home and acted like it was no big deal.

She couldn’t handle it and broke up with him. She was glad to see that I showed up to go skating Saturday night because she didn’t know if she would have been able to make it by herself.

I had no idea this woman was involved with that asshole.

But, apparently Loverman knew all about it.

And when I told him about it later while we were talking on the phone, Loverman said, “I told you I didn’t like that guy. I know he’s a player. If I ever find out that you slept with him, you will be SO sorry. I get so angry when I see you talking to him.”

First, I guess I’m glad that I didn’t sleep with Skaterman.

Second, I am kind of grateful to see that Loverman is finally claiming some kind of ‘possession’ of me.

Third, what he said really hurt me. I can’t figure out where I am at with Loverman. He’s very jealous and scared that I will fuck someone else, but he practically throws me into their arms with his vocal and blatant lack of trust.

I tried to reassure him by saying, “I’m not going to fuck Skaterman. I know what kind of douchebag he is and I am glad I haven’t fallen under his spell. I just wish that you could hear me when I tell you that my heart is all yours. I wish you could see it. It breaks my heart when you tell me how much I don’t care about you.”

Loverman wouldn’t hear me. He was blinded by jealousy and focused on the fact that he thinks (rather, he knows) I am definitely going to fuck Skaterman (which I am not).

I got upset with him and asked him to change the subject. I told him that it would be a lot easier for me to NOT screw around on him if he wasn’t constantly telling me he knows I’m going to.

When he gets like that I can’t talk to him. He’s completely blinded by jealousy and rage at all of his exes.

But, instead of getting my feathers ruffled this time (because he is partly right about me), I let him be angry with me for potentially cheating on him with someone I didn’t. Even though I could have because Loverman is always telling me I am going to anyway.

I realize the last paragraph was practically unintelligible. I just hope you could understand what I am trying to say…

And I haven’t even had a single drink since the bottle of wine when I got home Friday.

Two Faces of Jealousy

Two Faces of Jealousy

two_or_one_facesIf I had a dollar for every time I have said “I wish you were mine” to Loverman, we would be thousand-aires.

I think about jealousy and my affair a lot. Because I care so much about Loverman and I only get to spend a limited amount of time with him, there are times when I am extremely jealous (rather resentful, really) of the people who DO get to be with him regularly.

So, here’s the deal: maybe sometimes jealousy isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Yes, there are types of jealousy that are bad (the green monster kind), especially when we act on that jealousy, but I think that sometimes my jealousy can be a catalyst that helps me see myself more clearly… It also helps me to realize how strong my feelings really are towards Loverman. Sometimes my jealousy can even ground me a little because I can see that I am being silly and irrational.

Maybe this is one of those times:

This morning Loverman sent out a message on Facebook. It was a cute and simple message and he only sent it to 5 people, but ONE of them is this girl who skates with us (that I totally think wants to steal him from me — and I don’t usually feel that way) and flirts with him in a way that I feel is inappropriate, especially when she does it right in front of his “girlfriend” (lover, other woman, I don’t care what you call me). I have frequently thought about asking him to un-friend her, but just as many times, I realized it would be selfish. He and I have talked about her in the past — it was right after I broke my ankle last year and she was flirting with him something fierce RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, she even bought him a pair of earrings (but that’s beyond the point) — and he told me that I was being silly, that she was just a friend. I know that I was (and that I am) being silly, but I think that when my spidey-senses start to tingle, I need to listen to them.

I know Loverman won’t mess around with her. I know he’s “too old” and that his life is complicated enough without adding a rebellious 20-year-old preacher’s daughter to the mix! Also, she’s a very loudly self-proclaimed virgin until marriage, at least she was the last time she was screaming it to me at the skating rink over loud music. I’m just saying: “Loverman isn’t going to dump his wife, and then me, just so he can chastely hang out with her pristine ass while she dick-teases him all night long.” I am NOT saying that Loverman is all about sex — he isn’t — I just wonder what her agenda really is. Is it just flirting? Hmmm….

I can’t ask him to un-friend her, he probably appreciates the attention of this lovely young woman. Who am I to deprive him of that? *I* am self-indulgent in that respect (I love to flirt), how can I deny him that same innocent pleasure without being a total hypocritical bitch-face? Nothing is going to happen, and (here’s where the “good” jealousy kicks in) the sex is just going to be that much better when we’re finally together again: #1 – we’re both super horny because all we’ve been thinking about it for so long, and #2 – HE  PICKED ME (need I say more?!?)!!

In this case, I’m not even sure that what I am feeling is jealousy. I am jealous of his wife (though not so much any more), I am jealous of his long-time friends (because he stays over at their house and they get to see him more often), I am jealous of his bowling league (because I suck at bowling and can’t join them) but I don’t think I am jealous of this girl. Maybe incensed is a better word for how I feel, or peeved, or maybe even disrespected. I don’t know, maybe you can help me think of one…

FB Katy Perry

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No More Sleeping At Home

No More Sleeping At Home

Remember my post the other day?

Good Sex

I’m pretty sure that Loverman didn’t direct that post at me!…

Loverman hasn’t really slept at home for over 4 weeks. There are a couple of days/hours here and there, but I think it has actually probably been more like 8… He says it’s because of his truck (it’s going to get repo’d and he doesn’t want them to be able to find it), but I know that’s not totally it.

According to Loverman, Diva (The Wife) hasn’t said anything to him about why he’s gone so much (I know that if he were MY husband I would want to freaking know where he was staying all the time!); even when there are opportunities. Just last night he was laughing about how funny it is that they haven’t said anything to each other for weeks and the first (and only) thing she does say to him is: “the disposal’s broken” and that’s the end of it.

She didn’t even know he was out of the state for 3 days for our sk8-venture! It doesn’t matter if she knew he was with me… She didn’t know he was gone at all! Even *I* told Mr. Doom-n-Gloom! I told him I was going with Loverman and everything — he just thought there were 4 other people that went with us.

Gone skating

I guess there’s really no need for me to be jealous of his wife any more, huh?

Back to Normal Again?

Back to Normal Again?

Things appear to be back to normal. At least as “normal” as they were before anyway…

I had a lot to say this weekend, but my internet was out at home so I couldn’t say it and now that I am here and writing them down, words are failing me.

Let me start by saying this (because I can’t remember if I’ve said it before):

I believe that the relationship I have with Loverman is driven by intimacy. Whenever we spend “too much” time apart from each other (and by “apart” I mean “not being intimate”) our conversations and interactions begin to get strained and the longer we are “apart” the more awkward it gets.

I think that’s the point we were at last week and the previous weekend. Maybe I am making excuses to myself to forgive him… I don’t know… But, when we love someone, we still love them through the bad times, right? It’s what helps us grow, right?

Thursday night I met up with Loverman to try and resolve whatever was going on. It started off badly, to say the least.

Here is part of the text conversation we had before I got to him.

Quotation MarksLoverman: Your skate rink boyfriend the manager just passed me up and should be coming towards you.

My response: I am at 84th and Washington (I had no idea what to say in response and my hopes for a decent and mature conversation began to sink)

Loverman: Ooo… You won’t be able to see him then. Sorry!

My response: I am not a hooker/bitch. (but what I wanted to say was “Don’t be mean” — I almost did…)

I could actually feel my heart break when I read that text (it still makes me cry as I type this out). I couldn’t believe that he wanted to be so hurtful to me! My hands were shaking and I felt like an anvil had just been placed on my chest.

I still had 20 minutes before I got to him so I used the time while I was waiting in traffic to think about the best way to approach his new hurtful words (as well as being ignored for almost a week and stood up last Tuesday night).

He has so much shit going on in his life right now and most of it is total crap — I am not giving him an excuse, it’s just the truth. All the crap that he’s dealing with right now is from his own bad choices, though.

Tire Swing
by ~IvoryDrive

We all make bad choices, some days are just “bad choice days” when you look at the big picture, so I really don’t hold them against him — but he holds them against himself and I think that was part of the problem. He doesn’t want to “be a burden”. I understand and respect that; when my ankle was broken and he was driving me around, I felt the same way.

When I finally arrived at our “rendezvous” location I decided to ask Loverman to read those last two texts to me out loud while looking me in the eye. He did and then said, “What?! He’s a boy and he’s your friend. What’s wrong with what I said?”

Me: “I’m pretty sure you meant it to hurt me when you said it. But, even if you didn’t, it really did hurt me. It felt like you smashed a sledgehammer into my chest. I thought we already talked about this jealousy thing and we were over it.”

Loverman: “I don’t say it that much.”

I just looked at him.

Loverman: “I guess I kinda do, huh?”

From here, things seemed to swing between better and worse. We addressed the jealousy issue again — I am over mine, but I think that he is starting to get to the emotional-closeness point where he feels exposed and vulnerable and he doesn’t want to lose me, so he’s trying to scare me away. Regardless, it is not my place to psycho-analyze the situation, just to be his BFF.

He was very guarded with me the entire time. He sat in his chair, slouching, but his arms were crossed in a very defensive manner and he wouldn’t eat the food that I got him (stupid). Eventually I said, “You better eat those fries before they’re totally disgusting. They were hot when I got them.”

You eat them,” was his response.

“Okay, I will eat some of the fries, but you have to eat, too. I care too much about you and I know you haven’t eaten much for at least 3 days. Please just eat the damn food.”

He ate some of the fries with me (but I ate most of them) and then he had his McChicken (thank goodness!). There were two burgers, too, but he put them in his bag to eat later when he was at work and after.

At the end, when he had to go to work, I only felt marginally better. I could re-hash the entire talk for you, but why? It’s over and done and I have forgiven him for being a douche-bag — it happens to the best of us sometimes.

At least now I know that he knows how much it hurt me to be ignored and blown off (and stood up — he even owned up to that one and apologized) and I know better to back off and what to say when he’s starting to act/feel alone and overwhelmed.

Once he got to work, he texted me that he was safe like I had asked him to and the weekend went by smoothly with no more drama.

Small Flower Divider

It didn’t take long after Thursday night for us to get our closeness back. This Tuesday we had our regular date night and had a great time (mostly — I will write about the “bad” thing in a different post) and things seem to be totally back to the way they were before. Probably even better actually…

Small Flower Divider

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