I am getting uncomfortable with my closeness to Loverman.
I rely on him to support me when I am down, and he has been there for me a lot lately.
I can trust him.
But he’s not mine. He never will be.
And here is something that I haven’t mentioned to you yet:
at the end of April, I gave Loverman $800 to buy a truck.
He used that $800 to buy the truck (I think).
When I gave him the money I knew that the truck needed work, but I also thought that Loverman would just be swapping engines out with the truck he already had.
I also knew that I would probably never, ever see that money again.
And I was okay with it.
Until I found a cash-machine receipt in my truck, from two weeks after that, showing that he had withdrawn $400 at Mardi Gras Casino at 7:39 on the morning of Saturday, May 17th, 2014.
I found the receipt when I was cleaning out my truck one day at lunch. May 21st to be exact.
I didn’t want to “make a deal” about it. So, I took a chill pill and decided to think on it for a couple of days and wait until I could talk to a very wise friend.
She told me to just leave it be. Not to bother with it, because it was none of my business.
She was right. I shouldn’t have bothered with it, AND I should have thrown the stupid receipt away so I wouldn’t be seeing it stare at me every day from the console of my truck.
But, I didn’t listen to her AND I kept the receipt.
Yesterday morning I was PMSing in the shower and I couldn’t stop thinking about that damned receipt.
Not only had I given him that $800 to buy a truck, I had given him $400 two months before that for him to buy parts for MY truck.
He hasn’t bought those parts yet. He is waiting for a “deal”.
I am afraid that he was using MY $400 on the 17th. He is always claiming never to have any spending cash and now he has $400 to just throw away at a poker machine?
I needed to talk to Loverman, to communicate with him about my fears and concerns.
In response, he lied to me.
This is mostly how the conversation went after the “I found a receipt in my truck and I want to talk to you about it” part:
ME: If you already had $400 in the bank, why did you need me to give you another $800?
LM: To buy the truck, baby.
ME: I understand that part. But, if you already had half of the money, why did you need me to give you all of it?
LM: I needed that money to pay other bills.
ME: But you didn’t use that money to pay ‘other bills’. That money was withdrawn at a casino on a Saturday morning, at 7:39 – the exact perfect time for you to get there after you had just gotten off of work.
LM: Yeah. I took it out so I would have it later to pay those other bills I told you about.
ME: I am pretty sure that you didn’t have to go halfway up the mountain to find a cash machine which just happened to be at a casino on a SATURDAY morning right after work.
I am foggy on how it ended because he just blew it away like it was nothing, and I wasn’t trying to act like or sound like I thought I was his keeper or anything. Just the keeper of my own money, perhaps?
He didn’t make a big deal about it and we kept talking for a while about what happened with his weekend at work.
I am relieved, in a way, that Loverman didn’t get upset with me for bringing it up, or not believing him. It was just dropped.
Doom-n-Gloom would have had a fit, slammed doors, sulked, and then come back to argue some more.
But I know Loverman was lying to me.
He has a gambling problem. Occasionally, he will cop to it. I guess this is not one of those times. I do not believe what he told me, not one bit of it.
This weekend he was just calling a bunch of friends trying to get enough money together to pay “those bills”. He said he almost asked me for $13.
Last Thursday he asked me for $10 gas money and I told him that I couldn’t afford it this week. Little does he know that I could afford it, I was just wondering in the back of my head did he have his own money and was he just asking because he knew I would give?
When our conversation turned, I asked if we were on for our regular date night this week. He said, “No. I have a lot of packing to do. I need to get all my things together before Diva gets us kicked out of her house.”
“Okay, that sucks. I am really super going to miss you!” (because I AM) “Can we at least go skating together Wednesday?”
“I miss you, too, mama. Of course Wednesday skating is on.”
“Well, I can’t wait to see you on Wednesday then!”
After that conversation, while I was finishing up my commute, I decided that maybe I could stand to take a break from Loverman for a week or two. If anything, my pocketbook might thank me!
Next week he won’t want a date night because I will have my period. He is convinced that I can’t go one night without sex when we’re together and he is grossed out by menstruation.
That gives me two weeks without Loverman sexually. Seeing him only for our two, brief skate nights. Texting him less and less often… Him forgetting about me…
Stop it! That’s crazy!
Or is it?
Because that’s what I am trying to do.
I have ‘reactivated’ my membership at Ashley Madison and I sent out 4 messages yesterday.
Already I have a response to one of them and a date for dinner tonight.
An attractive man is taking me out to dinner tonight!
To an expensive, cutting edge, restaurant.
And he is fucking paying!
I hope I pick the right dress!
I guess I am looking for an other other man. To fill in the gaps (and take me out to dinner and buy me nice things)…
I know I can’t ‘have’ Loverman so I don’t want to get too attached to him – if I sleep with other guys, it might help me to remove some of the attachment. Then maybe I get worried because, if he starts sleeping with someone else, maybe he’s trying to do the same thing…
Yesterday’s conversation with Thing #1 about the lying and the skipping class went well. I found out that she doesn’t want to go to college — which is fine, I just wish she would have told me that a few weeks ago when we were talking about that exact thing. Also, it’s good because her English grades for the last 3 years are so crappy…
Now that I know what’s going on in her head we can move on with this. She knows that she was wrong for lying and using me to get her out of her first hour class. She knows that I am disappointed in her and that, for right now, my trust in her is devastated. We discussed how she would be able to “make it right” and I took absolutely none of her excuses seriously. We talked about restoring trust and why it’s more important to tell the truth no matter what!
I was going to throw her a Roller Skating party for her Graduation/Birthday (her birthday is in June so it works out pretty nicely), but I had to tell her that I can’t throw that party for her now. It was her turn to be devastated, so we worked out a deal. She has a chance to get that party back if she can pull her F in English up to a C by the time she graduates (2 months). That was agreeable, but I think she might be agreeing to everything I am saying right now just because she doesn’t want to make me any more angry/upset.
Tonight I am in a much more peaceful place and I am going to talk to her again. Yesterday, I told her that because I was so upset I would have continue our talk today. I didn’t want to say or do anything that I would regret. In the heat of the moment I am very good at saying things that ought not be said.