I enjoy being with a partner who loves me as much as I love me.
But, even though I think I love myself quite a lot, the reality of it is:
only like myself
I really, really like myself a lot, though!
I’m fun to hang out with; I’m witty, smart, fucking adorable, easy to get along with…
I can even hang out with myself for extended periods of time.
Quite an accomplishment, right?
But, apparently, I don’t really love myself.
Because I only truly enjoy the company of a partner who
only really, really likes me, too.
Big Shot by Queen Rude
Waking up with him Sunday morning was even more wonderful than Saturday.
We woke with the sun. I started stirring about an hour before he did, fading in and out of dreamland, enjoying the way he felt laying next to me, relishing the comfort of the bed and the warmth of the blankets.
My head fits perfectly in the nook of his left shoulder.
So much so, that my neck doesn’t start to get stiff or my arm underneath doesn’t fall asleep. In fact, it’s so comfortable there, I can actually fall back to sleep in that place.
(A week later, TC still wakes up with thoughts that I am cradled there on his arm.
Perfect. 😉 )
Scared of my feelings.
I like him so much.
Remember what happened the last time I fell so hard for someone…?
I find it oddly coincidental that I received so much communication from you immediately after I re-opened my Ashley Madison account.
Why did you wait to send all of your emails at the same exact second? Why couldn’t you send each email one at a time, every 2-3 days starting last Sunday…??? If you had done that, this wouldn’t even be happening and we would probably be on “better terms” as you say.
This is stoopid hard! In fact, I don’t even know why you keep coming back… Is it so you can let me down again and then be able punish/hate yourself for fucking up again? Do you want (or need) me (or your wife) to be disappointed in you? Are you creating distance between us on purpose? Why are you making it so hard for me to be vulnerable with you? Why do you find it so difficult to be vulnerable with me? I don’t understand… It always seemed like Loserman was doing all of that, too…
I don’t believe you are being entirely forthcoming with me. My thinking that you are keeping things from me doesn’t help me to trust you.
Your poem was entirely too cryptic…
We had become attached.
There was more to it than that.
The layers and partitions have changed.
It was never my intention to become estranged.
Strange how this works.
Both women in my life are saying I am making them hurt.
I apologize for my change in focus.
My changes, are the things that broke us…
I just want to give up every time things get tough. I like you a big fat shit ton, but I’m not actually convinced that you like me as much as you think you should/do. Or maybe you feel sorry for me and don’t want to hurt my feelings. That’s how it seems from here.
I don’t want pity. I need help. I need to know that you will keep your word and not be entirely consumed by every squirrel that darts past…