Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

You ok?

I went to bed at 6 PM on Wednesday night

To answer your question, I am sick.

I’ve been fighting ***serious*** depression and alcoholism for 5+ years. It’s not getting any better. It gets worse every week… Drinking a literal shit-ton and then passing out is my way of coping. (Example: Last night)

When I told you that I was trying to get my apartment ready for you, and then you told me that you would have to get a hotel or sleep in your car – It was like you didn’t read any of the words I sent. Did you even notice that I was trying? I bought a crate for my dog, put a privacy curtain up over my bedroom doorway and even explained to you that the kittens spend most of their time in Thing #1’s room…

Anyway:

Lovely Molly

I got Molly for me, so I could try and start healing myself. I’m so lost and alone… Molly has helped me lose over 20 pounds – and she gets me outside every single day. Maybe I’m not happy, maybe I haven’t stopped drinking, but she’s helping me. A lot! (Way a lot more than I have been able to help myself!)

I need to get better and I haven’t found a way yet. So far, Molly is the best way that I have found.

Finding the kittens just happened. They belong to Thing #1 🤷‍♀️

Kaska
Lyra

If my having these animals is a problem, please just say it outright. They help me. I am alone and I feel so alone.

Every. Damn. Day…

2 Comments »

The Return

Loverman (aka: Loserman) finally came back to me on July 3rd, 2021

I don’t know why… maybe because I finally gave up on Alaska (Meet: Alaska)… maybe because I was finally able to have gratitude for his part in my life… maybe because water is finally under the bridge…

Maybe it has nothing to do with me and he came to a point in his life he could finally accept my love…

No matter what, I am so grateful 😇

Leave a comment »

Panic Stricken

The past two weeks I have been having mild panic attacks. Nothing debilitating, but my heart and brain start racing and I can’t focus on anything else except being worried.

Worried about what? I don’t fucking know – which kind of makes it worse.

Anyway…. I reached out to a friend for some kind words and I was told “at least you have it better than me.”

That really hurt and definitely didn’t help me feel better. I started comparing! There were examples on either side proving the other has it better….

This is the message I wrote but did not send. I knew it wouldn’t help.

FYI, no part of this conversation helped me to feel better. In fact, I feel way worse than I did when I reached out to you.

I would do anything if you could get over Kim and remove all of that hatred from your heart. It was over 20 years ago and, even though it will always be with you, it doesn’t have to be the **only** thing that defines you.

What you said to me today about how I’m better off than you are??? I’m sad that you don’t know and that you haven’t asked how I am. FYI l, I’m struggling with ALCOHOLISM, severe(!) depression, and not being able to make ends meet. The matter of fact that I texted you, telling you how I was freaking out, should give you some kind of clue.

I’m. Not. Ok

“Babe, you could have paid 6 months mortgage at the lake house for that kind of money!”

My family will never help me, while your family is there for you every day…. I wish more than I can say that I had a family like that. 😢

They know as little as you do about me…

Sadly, we can compare each other and our individual lives forever, but that won’t bring either one of us any happiness.

Love, Me

Leave a comment »

Temporarily Reunited

So…. Something very unexpected happened to me recently.

Lov(s)erman returned the $800 he borrowed from me BACK IN 2014!!!

Long Story, Short:

Read the rest of this entry »

Leave a comment »

Crazy Times

The last two years have been all over the place.

More bad than good, sadly.

You know, sometimes, no matter how positive you are (or try to be), life is just shit?

I moved across Denver a little over 2 years ago.

A week after that, my car was stolen. Presumably by an ex-boyfriend.

Last summer (2017) I finally lost my real estate accounting job with the crazy girl and the incompetent upper management.

Read the rest of this entry »

8 Comments »

Throwback Thursday: Comment

Oddly enough, I was rereading some “related posts” when I came across this one: Lost

For the most part, I have overcome that feeling in regards to [Loserman].

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel very lost very much of the time, but situations (car-related and not) keep popping up in life (as they tend to do) and I am handling them on my own, without his help and/or support. Sometimes I probably don’t handle them in the best of ways, but I get through it and then deal with the consequences regardless…

Read the rest of this entry »

7 Comments »

Too Much Power

Since last September, I’ve been spending a lot of time inside my head. It was a tough time to recover from: Mick’s verbal harassment, moving, having my car stolen…

Shit! Just a move by itself is enough to send a person’s life into topsy-turvies…

I ended up dragging a couple of very special people into my drama, then seemingly dropped off the planet. There’s no excuse for that. I was simply a scared kitten.

wp-1488410108459.jpg Read the rest of this entry »

5 Comments »

“Who Knew?”

Leave a comment »

Broken Hearted

Sometime early Saturday morning, my beautiful, wonderful, perfect car – Lil Bear – was stolen.

Words cannot express how horrible I feel. Especially since I don’t know if it was some random event, or Mick did it to get back at me for breaking .

Read the rest of this entry »

15 Comments »

The Final Insane Rantings of a Desperate Gaslighter

Previous post here

shescrazy

After I asked Mick to please stop because I feared for my and my family’s safety, he opened the proverbial flood gates.

It was like he had spent the past couple of days constructing hateful notes to me and then sent them all as soon as I re-engaged.

The first was his flippant comment email:

That sounds pretty threatening. 

I’m sending you the other stuff that I have written. And then it will be turned over to the psychiatrist I spoke of in my other writings as evidence should you do something crazy to get your way.

Threatening?

Should *I* do something crazy?!?!

Am I missing something here?

After that, he sent three more.

Read the rest of this entry »

13 Comments »