Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

You ok?

I went to bed at 6 PM on Wednesday night

To answer your question, I am sick.

I’ve been fighting ***serious*** depression and alcoholism for 5+ years. It’s not getting any better. It gets worse every week… Drinking a literal shit-ton and then passing out is my way of coping. (Example: Last night)

When I told you that I was trying to get my apartment ready for you, and then you told me that you would have to get a hotel or sleep in your car – It was like you didn’t read any of the words I sent. Did you even notice that I was trying? I bought a crate for my dog, put a privacy curtain up over my bedroom doorway and even explained to you that the kittens spend most of their time in Thing #1’s room…

Anyway:

Lovely Molly

I got Molly for me, so I could try and start healing myself. I’m so lost and alone… Molly has helped me lose over 20 pounds – and she gets me outside every single day. Maybe I’m not happy, maybe I haven’t stopped drinking, but she’s helping me. A lot! (Way a lot more than I have been able to help myself!)

I need to get better and I haven’t found a way yet. So far, Molly is the best way that I have found.

Finding the kittens just happened. They belong to Thing #1 🤷‍♀️

Kaska
Lyra

If my having these animals is a problem, please just say it outright. They help me. I am alone and I feel so alone.

Every. Damn. Day…

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The Return

Loverman (aka: Loserman) finally came back to me on July 3rd, 2021

I don’t know why… maybe because I finally gave up on Alaska (Meet: Alaska)… maybe because I was finally able to have gratitude for his part in my life… maybe because water is finally under the bridge…

Maybe it has nothing to do with me and he came to a point in his life he could finally accept my love…

No matter what, I am so grateful 😇

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Temporarily Reunited

So…. Something very unexpected happened to me recently.

Lov(s)erman returned the $800 he borrowed from me BACK IN 2014!!!

Long Story, Short:

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No More Fakers

(It was difficult figuring a name for this post. It was either the name it got or “Online Predators”. Both seemed appropriate…)

I’ve had quite a few terrible online dating experiences over the past 16+ months since my sexy Loverman left: Twitter, Tinder, Craigslist, FetLife, Collarspace

Terrible enough that every single one of my online profiles has been deleted.

Except my blog

dilberthateeveryone

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Idealized Realized

Know_feel

It’s been almost a year now and I still hate you for leaving me.

But I also hate you for even finding me to begin with, and for staying with me for as long as you did.

What the fuck? I ask myself. Why did you have to be the one to help me find myself?

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Pride: I Hate It

photo from flickr

photo from flickr

Okay. I know it’s been forever since Loverman has been gone, but I have been thinking about him a lot lately (I am referencing him as Loverman instead of Loserman in this post because that is the ‘him’ I miss).

It probably has a lot to do with the evolution of my relationship with Alaska and the scary potential of actually even having one.

Anyway… Loverman was entirely too proud.

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Monday Motivation: Letting Go

I am still working on this… It’s been almost a year, yet every day I still think of Loserman and wish for what we had… But also every day I tell myself that the Loverman I know and love is completely gone… After all, Life is Shadows, and shadows are impermanent and ever-changing… Both good and bad..
LettingGo0

LettingGo2

replace

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Throwback Thursday: 06/27/2010

mistake

This is what I wrote the first time that Loserman stopped talking to me, 5 damn years ago, before I started my blog.

It reads just like present-times…

It’s over. Done. He hung up on me on Father’s Day while we were talking about when he would be able to finish fixing my car. It hurts so bad this time that:
  1. I don’t even want to write about it, it’s so stupid – maybe finally his wife found out and he’s trying to prove something to her about his love (see #3 for more on his loving her)…
  2. I feel like such a moron for thinking that all the bullshit he said was true. like “I love you”, “I’ll never leave you”, “I’m always be with you”, “I’m yours already”…  FUCKED UP!  Why would I EVER in a BILLION YEARS think that such a beautiful man would ever truly WANT me.  He’s the biggest self-involved mother-fucker that I have met to date, but I felt special because he ‘liked’ me.
  3. The stupidest parts of #2 are related to #1…  Like – why didn’t I listen to my better judgment? I’m old enough that I should have been smarter.  He obviously has a problem with commitment… He tries but then there’s this regular problem that he refuses to deal with and then ‘his girlfriend’ gets out of control because truly he’s a self-involved mother-fucker! I am impressed that his wife could deal with the bullshit for so long – and he’s only being nice to her because she is paying all of his bills right now.
  4. Because of that mother-fucker I am starting to hate myself again!  And I AM going to blame it on him. It’s that “horsefly’s” fault for even letting me think that an “us” was even possible. He must be getting what he needs from his wife…
I am SO angry with myself. So mad that I could be stupid enough to believe the things that he said. Even if he does try to contact me at this point I think he’s truly shown me what a horrid person he is and I can’t even let him in again for the most-awesome-sex-that-I-could-ever-know.  It was SO good.  I think he could be right.  I did only want him for his “froggy style”…
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Seeing Loserman

think

Sunday night I had a dream about him.

When I woke up Monday morning I remembered it more vividly, but the memory quickly faded as the cobwebs cleared.

By the time I took my shower, I had forgotten I even had a dream.

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Fixing Breezy

Loserman was supposed to help me replace the alternator in Breezy Saturday. Help me do it.

But before that could happen, last Monday afternoon I got a text from him:

I can work on Breezy tomorrow (Tuesday) since it’s supposed to be warm.

So, Tuesday morning before I left for work, I put $100 in the trunk along with the new alternator and belt. The cash was supposed to be his payment – time/labor/trip charge, whatever… He’s my mechanic now or Loserman, not my “boyfriend” or AP (or loverman).

He didn’t come over Tuesday as planned. I was hardly surprised. I wasn’t at the forefront of his radar before, why would I be now?

At 3:30 Tuesday afternoon, I got the following message:

Hey, wanted to let you know that I didn’t get a chance to put the alternator on due to I was babysitting and now going to take a nap. I will do it tomorrow.

I simply texted back, “Okay”.

Earlier, I had decided that for each day he was late in replacing my alternator, I was going to take away $20 from his payment. I didn’t tell Loserman.

Tuesday night, before I went to bed, I took $20 out of the trunk.

I didn’t hear from him again until I was getting ready to go to lunch Wednesday afternoon, when we had the following text conversation (Loserman is Red and I am Blue):

Alternator

I needed to know if the core and the new belt were in there with the receipts so I could get my $53 back.

Also, I left his roller skates in the trunk for him to take “home” (and I was feeling a bit passive-aggressive, I’ll admit it). They were a birthday gift from me 2 years ago. I figured that, if he wasn’t going to be skating with me, he might as well have them to skate. His old ones are falling apart and are held together with duct tape.

Alternator2

Nice. Burned again.

If he’s returning the skates I gave him (and he’d better be careful, I might just donate the fuck out of them!), does that mean I have to return the things that he gave me?

Because I don’t want to.

I am using the speakers he put in my truck, and the sunroof motor. However, I have thought about giving back the Cartier Delices he gave me. Smelling like that is heavenly, but it reminds me of him…

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