I got this message this morning:
I got my phone back
That was it. I don’t know what I expected, but I definitely hoped it would be more than that! It took me a few minutes to sort out how I should answer because the waves of relief were so strong I could barely take a breath. Immediately after, I was filled with a peaceful calmness
Once he sense of relief started to wane, as it tends to, it was like my brain decided that it was okay to feel the other emotions, too! The ugly ones! The dam busted open and now I am faced with:
anger (I was worried about you and this is all you have for me?)
betrayal (You told me that you don’t like going gambling without me!)
humiliation (How did I let myself get so worked up about this?)
and jealousy (Did you find someone else who’s more fun to go with?)
but the biggest one is disappointment (all of those other things put together.).
At least that’s what I think it feels like (and right after I wrote that fucking poem for him Saturday!!).
So, before I over-thought it and
got angry said the wrong thing, I decided my best response would just be, “Okay” — because if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Right?
His response to that was simply:
I’ll talk to you later.
I was completely underwhelmed by the amount of information that he decided to give me! That’s seriously all I get? I’m pretty sure he would expect a better explanation from ME if I had been MIA all weekend!
I didn’t even get an: “I’m safe.” or a “Thanks for trying to get my phone back for me.” or an “I’ll bet you were super worried about me.” or a “Sorry to keep you waiting for so long.” I know I am being selfish right now, but I just spent all of yesterday worrying about him! And, I still don’t know if he’s okay or where the fuck he is!
My stupid Green Monster has double-teamed with Self-Doubt and they keep putting horrible thoughts in my head!!
Again, I couldn’t think of anything to say except, “Ok.” (Truthfully, I could think of A LOT more things to say, but none of them were nice. They were all “fightin’ words”! And I don’t want to fight, mostly I am grateful he isn’t dead!)
I want to write more here, but I don’t know what to say. At this moment I am filled with so many emotions tumbling around inside of me; every one of them trying to scream louder than the rest of them. It’s so loud and confusing I don’t know what the true core feelings actually are… Or if it’s just my PMS enhancing them…. Or if maybe this is karma’s helpful reminder not to get too close…
What should I be feeling right now?