Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

I Hate Myself for Loving You

But I guess that’s kind of what love is, right?

Before my skate trip to Houston in February, I mentioned to Alaska that I might like for him to pick me up from the airport when I returned.

At that point, it had been 4 weeks since we’d seen each other and I was really starting to miss him. Even for my extracurricular escapades and the fact that we’d been communicating nearly every day, I missed the hell out of him and wanted to feel his gigantic chocolate body next to mine…

When he couldn’t make the effort to come and get me because he was showing houses to a client he already admitted to disliking immensely (AND after knowing about my trip for over a week), I composed my little note to him on the train/bus ride back to my apartment.

And later, when I texted him I’d made it home safe, he simply answered: masturbate for me now and send me the video


Just do I as I say

This made me even more upset with him, but I did as I was told…

Before I fell asleep, he did send me a “good girl” 😉

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The Kisser: That Fucking Good

Check out Part 1 HERE

So, getting cleaned up after, you say… lol

And helping you clean up too, of course! That would be even better

You’re telling me! I’m feeling a bit dirty already…


Don’t stick that thing out at me!

You liked it enough the last time…

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Happy Valentine’s Day

Happy Valentine's Day


Date #2 With Mr. X

Last Friday we were having our morning “check in” talk and Mr. X told me that, for what it’s worth, he was sorry about the way things ended with Loserman. How sweet was that? I really appreciate his acceptance of me as I am. I mean, I put it all out there for him to see! It’s nice not to have to pretend for the first few “dates” until the ice is broken.

Also, I love having a daily check-in with him. It helps reassure me that everything is “okay”. You know how bad I am with that kind of suspense 😉

On another note, I keep expecting for him to ask me questions about what he’s reading on my blog. I wish he would ask more or say more or something. Some days, his silence is my suspense. Here’s what he’s said about my blog so far:

1. I need to keep it up just as I have been, talking about what I have been, etc…

2. What he said about being sorry Loserman ended it the way he did

3. He mentioned that he wished my post about our first date had been more positive about myself. Subsequently, he asked me to write a positive post about myself (so I wrote two! 😉 ).

I am going to have to be at peace with this thought:

If Mr. X has anything to say about my blog, he will say it. That is the way it has been and that is the way it will continue.

I worry too much!! Mither (1 of 2) Eventually I asked the inevitable question: when would I be able to see him again? And it would be perfectly okay if it was just a lunch meeting.

He answered, “How about today?” I was surprised! Honestly, I expected him to say Tuesday or something.

I don’t remember exactly how I responded, but it was like, “Same time, same place?”

“Okay,” he replied.

The butterflies in my stomach were doing flip-flops, I felt a surge of wetness in my panties. We talked a little bit longer and then hung up.

A couple of hours before we were to meet, he messaged me that he would be a little late. We ended up meeting 30 minutes later than originally planned. No matter. I was happy he told me at all! The consideration felt very nice.

It was wonderful to see him. I have been busy at work finishing up a part of the budget I didn’t think I was going to have to do, finalizing November’s numbers and also dealing with some more drama from the Atlanta ladies. Seeing Mr. X was a very pleasant diversion (although it did make it more difficult to concentrate on anything but him for the rest of the afternoon).

I enjoyed his company very much and felt more relaxed this time around. We spent a lot of time gazing into each others’ eyes and he kissed me a lot more. Even while we were sitting across from each other at our tiny table!

The way I feel around him is amazing! I feel pretty and intelligent and captivating and sexy and worthwhile. I completely understand that *I* control the way that things make me feel, but Mr. X sure makes it easy for my feelings to go in a positive direction!

When we first sat down, I mentioned to him that he was setting the bar pretty high for himself: talking to me every day, his incredible attentiveness… His being able to make this kind of time for me on an ongoing basis might be difficult to maintain. I am starting to really enjoy it and it’s something I could definitely get attached to.

I believe his response was, “I want to make that time for you. I enjoy talking to you and I don’t think you understand how often I really think of you.” (OMG – I think about him all the time!)

At one point he asked me if I would liked to be spanked for fun or for punishment. I think I blushed a little and I really didn’t know the answer. He answered himself quietly, “I will figure that out myself.” Now that I have had time to think about it, I have an answer!

Sweet Mr. X, spanking me with your hand would be fun for me. Punishment spanking would be you using something that isn’t you – something that doesn’t allow for direct contact of you to me. For example: a riding crop or belt 😉

While we were chatting I interrupted him. Probably a hundred times, actually. But, I remember once in particular because he was outwardly assertive with me and it really turned me on! He looked at me with a gentle smile, his hand raised a little bit to the side of my face (but not too close), and sternly told me to stop interrupting him. He really didn’t like that. Then directed me to look at his left hand positioned to ‘slap’ me. Immediately I felt a warmth surge between my legs (again!). And I stopped interrupting (I think).

I am not adding this to excuse my behavior (I guess maybe I am…), but interrupting is something I do when I get excited. With some of my friends, it isn’t a problem, it’s like we talk back and forth bouncing off each other like that; that’s how we talk. With other friends, it bothers the hell out of them because it seems like (to them) I am not listening; when really I am, I’m just so excited/intense/afraid I’m going to forget.

(I have a feeling that this will probably be the reason for many of my “reprimands” in the future.

I look forward to that part of my education 😉 )

It seemed like time had slowed down for us while we were together, but eventually it had to end and he walked me out to my truck, where he devoured my mouth with his most sensuous kisses yet. Later that night, I wrote him how they made me feel (at his insistence):

I truly am surprised I could stay standing after you left, let alone be able to turn around and get into my truck and drive away. My body was trembling and I had to take a bunch of deep breaths before I was able to go into work. My panties were wet almost all afternoon and I can still feel my pulse in my pussy now as I am writing this! I can only hope they made you feel half as good as that!

My panties were squishy for the rest of the afternoon and he has directed me not to masturbate until we have a chance to be intimate together. The suspense is killing me!

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Sk8-Venture Drama 2014: Day 2

Click here for Day 1.

This year, Day 2 did not go nearly as well as last year. Oh, no…

But it wasn’t for my lack of trying.

After Loverman went to sleep in his corner chair Saturday morning, I had a couple shots of tequila and went outside to get stoned before I had to be around strangers at breakfast.

My perfect breakfast consisted of some cut pineapple, melon slices and a few strawberries, some scrambled eggs and a nice bit of bacon.

I actually took more bacon than I thought I had (I didn’t take ALL of it and, so fucking what if I did?!?! My boyfriend of 6 years just broke up with me on the very first day of our 4-5 day vacation that was supposed to be hella-fun!).

There was a girl on the other side of the buffet. She said to her mother, “That lady took all the bacon, Mom.”

Her mother whispered back, “She didn’t take all the bacon, sweetheart.”

*I* replied, “Yep. I took all the bacon.” Then I grabbed my juice and went to sit down all by myself and eat my bacon in peace.

When I got back to the room, Loverman was still “asleep” in the corner chair. I drank a lot more tequila and left him a note that said “If you wake up before 1PM and you want to go bowling, please go ahead. The address and info are on the notepad in the car. Have a good time!” Then I laid down and had a short nap: all alone in the hella-comfortable king-sized bed. Shit! I sleep on a couch at home, I was going to enjoy the fuck out of that sweet mattress!!! It was stupid of Loverman not to take advantage of it, too. The bad was plenty big, we didn’t have to be touching if he didn’t want to…

While I drifted off to sleep I made an agreement with myself that I wasn’t going to hold myself responsible for the stupid choices Loverman makes during our weekend together. If he was going to choose to have a miserable time, I would just let him have that choice.

I woke up at 2PM and he was gone. I hoped that he had read my note and gone bowling, but immediately I assumed that he had left me and gone with his stupid-ass plan to call his cousin and inconvenience the hell out of her weekend. I called him to see what was going on because he hadn’t left me a note on the convenient note-pad and pen provided by the hotel. He actually answered, surprising me so much that the first words out of my mouth were, “Thanks for answering!”

“You’re welcome. What do you need?”

“Where are you? I was wondering if you want to go to the bowling thing or the pool party with me.”

“No. I’m good,” was what he said back.

“Where are you? Did you leave?”

“I’m having breakfast across the street.”

“Oh. Okay. Do you want to do something when you get back? Like go to the casino, stay in and play strip poker, or go to dinner or something?”

“No. I’m good,” he said again. (I thought, I don’t think those words mean what you think they mean.)

I said goodbye, we hung up and I drank about 4 more shots of tequila. With a crushed heart, I went to the ravine down the street where I could get high. The afternoon was gorgeous and I think I spent an hour sitting on the side of the hill crying my eyes out again, having conversations with the sky. And whomever was listening.

When I got back to the room, Loverman had assumed his position back in his corner chair and appeared to be sleeping again.

I had a couple more shots of tequila, wrote my Day 1 post, then passed out drunk on the bed watching a movie on my computer. I was naked, in hopes that he would come back and be all happy and jump on me like he did last year. But he didn’t and I slept until 10PM.

When I woke up, Loverman was still “sleeping” in the chair, fully clothed, sunglasses, jacket, the whole thing. *sigh* What the hell was he trying to prove?

I had another shot of tequila and then realized I probably shouldn’t have done that. There was very little of my 750ml bottle left – and I knew Loverman hadn’t had any of it for himself. I watched something on TV and ate a Cliff Bar with a large cup of coffee and a TON of water.

This entire time I laid completely naked on the bed waiting for Loverman to wake up. I had a sheet pulled over me, but not all the way.

At about 11PM, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Loverman stir and he moved one of his headphones away from his ear. I stood up and walked over to his chair, still completely nude. I kneeled on the floor next to his chair and asked, “Skating starts at midnight again tonight and I was hoping you would take a shower with me? Let’s go get all cleaned off, start fresh and clean up. I will scrub you up and you even have time to use your clippers if you want to. It will feel awesome.”

He simply responded, “Nope. I’m good.” He looked away from me to the TV and put that missing headphone back on his ear.

Ouch! Burn!

Okay. I was pretty much at my wit’s end at this point. What the fuck was this guy’s deal?!

I grabbed my skate outfit for the night and went into the bathroom to freshen up. My eyes looked terrible, all swollen and red. Good thing I had eye drops and the ice machine was just down the hall. I got ice and let it cool my eyes and then added the eye drops.

At 11:45 I looked nearly presentable. I had decided to use a silver eye-shadow as an eyeliner to hide my red eyelids and it worked magnificently! I still felt a little tipsy — not okay to drive, but mostly okay to skate. And I looked fucking good!

Loverman still had his headphones on so I gently grabbed his calf and moved it back and forth until he woke up. “I’m ready. We can go whenever you are. There’s still time for you to shower if you want. The party goes until 5AM, we can afford to be late. It’s fine. Do you want to stop and get something to eat on the way?”

“Nope. I’m good. Give me a few minutes to wake up and we can go.”

“Okay,” I said and remembered the agreement I made with my drunken self earlier about not holding myself responsible for his feelings… If he wants to be all smelly and sticky and grimy and starving, that was definitely his prerogative. I was going to let him do whatever he wanted without arguing. I mixed my amino acid exercise drink and was ready.

When he stood up, I asked if he would please drive. He responded, “You can drive if you want to.”

“I don’t want to. I don’t really feel comfortable driving. I’ve been drinking all day.”

“Well, definitely I will drive if you’ve been drinking all day.” Hell, if he didn’t believe me, he could just glance at the decimated bottle of tequila to see I was telling the truth.

We got there at about 12:30AM and skated on and off until 4:55, right before they shut it down. (this is not the time for me to go into why I wanted to leave just a little before everyone else)

Almost the entire time we skated Saturday, we skated separately. He only partnered with me for two songs and I had to beg for those. We were not ‘tight’ like we were Friday night. We were not awesome skating partners. It felt awkward and forced when we were together. To add insult to injury, he would be talking to other people we knew from Colorado and when I would come over to sit down with them and join in, Loverman would stop talking entirely. Until I left. Then he would start talking to them again. Every time I would try and engage Loverman I would get one-word answers in a monotone.

Conversely, he stood on the side sometimes and filmed my skating. Something I have been asking him to do for a while now. I want to see what I look like when I skate. I want to see what other people are seeing. (Maybe someday he will share them with me – when he feels like I have been punished enough for whatever I did wrong *sigh*)

When we got back to the hotel, I asked him if he wanted to have a drink with me while we waited for breakfast to start. Maybe take a shower?

Again he replied, “Nope. I’m good.” and went straight back to that mother-fucking chair and put his sunglasses and headphones on.

Again, WTF is this guy’s problem?!?

I said his name in hopes that he would hear me and move his headphones to listen. He did and I said, ” I’m going to breakfast at 7. Would you like me to wake you up before I go down?”

“Nope. I’ll set my alarm.”

At this point *I* was ‘wore out’ with it, so I had some of the marijuana edibles I brought along for the two of us to share, took a shower and went outside again to get high while I waited for the edibles to take effect.

I was downstairs cancelling my Sunday night reservation when one of the Skate Party hosts came over to me and told me that all the rollers were going to be sitting together in one of the meeting rooms for breakfast. That felt totally awesome, because I felt very much like the “token white chick” at the skating rink earlier – and I don’t mean that in a good way.

I went upstairs to wake up Loverman and invite him to come along with me and meet people and have fun but he wouldn’t wake up. Or he just wasn’t interested in what I had to tell him. He had his sunglasses on so I couldn’t tell. (I wish you could see me shaking my head as I write this… *sigh*)

Either way, *I* went down and enjoyed a very pleasant breakfast with some very sweet people from St. Louis. It got extremely uncomfortable for a moment while they were talking about the shooting in Ferguson and the resulting violence, but that passed and we had a cool conversation about donating and how so little money could go such a long way.

After breakfast I returned to our my room and Loverman was still laying in his chair. Unsuccessfully I tried waking him again so he could enjoy the Skate Rollers’ company for breakfast, too.

I laid down on the awesome bed. Again, naked.

Even though I hadn’t had caffeine in a long time, I still wasn’t feeling tired. I was feeling wired.

But, I laid there in bed. Naked. Listening to the shows on TBS with my teeth out and my glasses off until 1PM. Everyone with the Skate Party was given a 2PM checkout, so I had time to get my stuff packed into the car before I had to wake up Loverman. (That way he wouldn’t feel obligated to help me carry any of my shit out to the car.)

Maybe he slept the whole time I was laying there in bed. Maybe he watched TV silently along with me. Maybe he watched my sexy, nude body walk back and forth from the bathroom when I needed to relieve myself. Maybe he watched me as I got dressed and carried all my shit out to the car.

Maybe he watched me as I masturbated in the bed, in full view of his hidden eyes.




The Butt Plug

I have always been afraid to stick something up my ass. Like a phobia! I could go into details here, but I think you can mostly understand: I was raised as a prude and poop is gross!

That being said, it was not as bad as I thought it would be.Yay! Granted, I did get the “starter model”, but it actually felt kind of nice.

Let me set the scene…

This morning I had in my new ben wa balls and I was playing with my vibe and thought, Aw, what the hell?! I have the day off, I will just spend the morning fucking myself silly (thanks for the inspiration, Ann). If I don’t like how the butt plug feels, I can take it right out, fuck myself some more and forget about it.

It turns out that I liked it. At least I like it while I have my vibe and the balls inside at the same time!

I felt the vibrations all the way up my spine and, when I moved the vibe to my clit, my entire body shook in an all-over, completely satisfying self-made orgasm! I had a hard time holding back my moaning and, I usually do not make any noise while masturbating.

When I finished cumming, I just laid there in bed thinking, How do I bring this up with my sexy Loverman?