Emotional Turbo-Shuffle

PMS sucks!

Usually I can manage the mood swings. Usually the mood swings only last 2-3 days and then I get my period and things go back to normal for another 25-28 days. Usually I don’t have a broken ankle and have to be on blood thinners because of a blood clot in my leg. Usually I know exactly what’s going to happen and I don’t have a weeks’ worth of anxiety built up inside of me.

This is the first time, in a LONG time, that I have actually wanted to get my period (even my 15-year-old daughter commented last night that she thinks it’s hysterical that I am actually wanting to get my period!). My emotions have been on turbo-shuffle for 6 days now and last night I just couldn’t keep up mentally. I just wanted my  “time of the month” to come so I could go “back to normal”.

Like I said, usually the mood swings only last 2-3 days — that is do-able. I can cope with the ever-changing emotional roller coaster for those 2-3 days, I just have to slow down and think a VERY LONG time before I respond to people and remember that my anger and frustration is just my stifling emotions getting the best of me. But last night I lost total control, my strength for holding back was gone. My coping mechanism had clocked out and gone home for the day.

It all started because I sent him a sexy text yesterday morning and I was waiting for him to respond.

After waiting all day for nothing, it seemed like he was just blowing me off… And while I was waiting I kept getting madder and madder at him for ignoring me. So, by the time he responded to my text with “call me when you get off”, I was completely bent out of shape (for NO reason at all).

Because I was frustrated, I decided I would ignore HIM for a little while to see how he liked it (that NEVER works, I don’t know why I keep trying it…). The car needed one of the tires pumped back up and the brake fluid needed to be topped off, so I thought I would do all that before I called Loverman.
** FYI, it’s difficult for me to get anywhere or do anything with my crutches and it’s even harder to do those things on crutches while talking on the phone which is part of the reason I waited to call him. I told him that… I do remember that part of our conversation. **

Well, it turns out that “call me when you get off” really meant “call me right now, I’m just down the street from your office”. But, I DIDN’T KNOW THAT BECAUSE THAT’S NOT WHAT HE SAID! So, I went about my business taking care of the car and called him when I was done.

He was two blocks away from where I was and I couldn’t stop being angry for long enough to listen to what he was saying to me!! And then I got even angrier because I was mad at myself for screwing up what could have been a sweet little rendezvous.

That is when I proceeded to be a super-mega-bitch-from-hell! I am sure that is an exaggeration, but I was so crazy I can barely remember the things that I said to him. I do know that was not the craziest I have ever been with him, but it had been ages since I let that monster out of the closet.

I was so mean to Loverman that I think he hung up on me! (I say “I think he hung up on me” because he answered the phone when I called him back and told me that his new phone hung up on me — it’s okay, I was being stupid-crazy and I deserved it if he did it! Also, it helped to calm me down a bit, because the last time he hung up on me, he didn’t talk to me for 5 months!)

The way I acted was totally stupid, because I know that Loverman has other obligations besides me. In reality I understand that I am not the only person that Loverman needs to be there for. In reality I know that he cares about me very, very much and he would not consciously ignore me or hurt me. In reality I feel special every day that he has chosen to include me as one of his closest friends.

And I did finally get my period last night. Now I hope that my emotions can go back to being somewhat consistent again. Maybe it’s just psychosomatic, but I felt a million times more stable when I woke up this morning… There was no inexplicable desire to bawl my eyes out, no desire to tear out someone’s heart and eat it in front of them, I even made it through my morning commute without swearing at anyone! (really there was no traffic to swear at, but I will take my victories where I can get them!)

I called him this morning and apologized for my craziness. I didn’t make any excuses, I just apologized for being a crazy-ass bitch.

My Sexy Loverman accepted my apology with a simple “thank you” and then went to my office and waited in the parking lot to save a Handicapped parking spot for me.

I am SO lucky!!! I am SO grateful!!

My Daughter and Mrs. T

Not my daughters’ High School

I apologize ahead of time, this is going to be a heavy post for a Friday and possibly a big fat reality check for some (I know it was for me!).

Today Thing #2 stayed home sick from school. Last night she told me she wasn’t feeling well and she looked sick enough that I told her then that she could stay home sick today. Just regular stuff… (I probably am too lenient with letting them take a sick day, but this daughter has been working really hard on her homework recently and I thought that she had pretty much earned a day off.) I didn’t think anything of it. But also, I kind of forgot to call the school to leave a message about her absence.

This morning I got a call from one of the Youth Counselors (we’ll call her YC) at my daughters’ school. YC was calling on behalf of one of Thing #2’s teachers (we’ll call her Mrs. T). It seems that Mrs. T was worried because of some things said in class yesterday, the way my daughter acted/reacted, and then an email conversation that transpired after school let out. In that email conversation, apparently my daughter said “see you tomorrow”. So, when Mrs. T did not see Thing #2 in her 2nd period class today (yesterday’s “tomorrow”) AND THEN saw that a parent had not yet called in to excuse the absence, she was worried about my daughter’s well-being.

Mind you, at this point I did not know (I have spoken with my daughter since, and everything is fine!) what was said in school yesterday or in the email conversation between her and Mrs. T “after hours” so I didn’t know how to respond when YC called me and started telling me things and asking me questions.

The first thing I said (and it probably sounded pretty bitchy) was, “I don’t understand why Mrs. T isn’t calling me if she is really that worried for my daughter. But when I left Thing #2 this morning and talked to her last night, everything seemed fine. She just wasn’t feeling well is all. I apologize for not calling the attendance line yet, I will do that as soon as we get off the phone.”

While I was talking to YC, she told me that there have been 6 deaths at my daughters’ high school this year. I did some research on-line and found out that those deaths are for the entire year, not just from this September. Regardless of the time frame — that is too many babies dying!

Preventing Suicide:
A Toolkit for High Schools

About two months ago the school sent out an email telling parents that a freshman boy had died from “huffing” but we weren’t told that it was a suicide. When we got that email, I talked to both of my daughters and asked them if they knew him or if they had friends that knew him… Neither of them did, and none of their friends did. I talked to them about coping and communication and how I love them, etc…

At the beginning of this week, our High School sent out an email about coping with suicide. I thought it was an informational email from the school, so I read it and filed it away. My girls and I talk openly about this type of stuff and we had already discussed most of it previously.

Both of my girls are fairly good at telling me when something is bothering them or they are upset — I worry more about my younger one (Thing #2) because she has a tendency to worry too much about how her father and I will react (she had a “boyfriend” for over 3 months before she told us because she didn’t want us to “give her shit” — her words!)… But, she is very forthcoming about her feelings when she is feeling bad, so I didn’t think we have anything to worry about.

The informative conversation with YC ended and I started to seriously wonder about my daughter…

• Was she really sick or was she covering up something deeper?
• Did she know any of these 6 teens? If so, why didn’t she come to me to talk about it?
• How often do my daughters think about killing themselves? Do they ever think about it?
• Did any of their friends know any of those 6? How are their friends coping with the loss?

After talking to Thing #2 this morning, this is what really happened yesterday between her and Mrs. T (with my little narrative added in because I think Ms. 15 may have left out those parts) :

– Thing #2 fell asleep in class. Mrs. T woke her up and asked her why she fell asleep in class.
– Thing #2 (the teenage drama queen that she is) responded that she was tired because she hasn’t been able to sleep at home (I am guessing that there was tears — A) because she was caught doing something wrong and B) She just got woken up from a nap)
– Mrs. T asked if she had eaten anything yet that day. Thing #2 told her that she hadn’t eaten yet, but was planning on eating lunch later (Thing #2 refuses to eat anything for breakfast, and even if I pack her a lunch she will not bring it with her to school — I do not understand this strange food thing with her, but if I bother/ask her about it, she gets angry… <sigh> She does eat her dinner in the evenings, though. She says she’s just not hungry during the day — but not to the point I worry about her having an eating disorder. I think she’s just quirky.)
– Then Mrs. T asked her how she gets home after school. Thing #2 told her that she walks home
– Mrs. T asked Thing #2 to shoot her an email when she got home safely
– Thing #2 sent her that email and, in it, said “see you tomorrow”.
– My daughter did NOT know any of these kids that died. One of her friends knew this most recent one and is taking time off from school. And she’s feeling a lot better this morning than she did last night – and it was only sick, not depressed-sick.

That was all… Nothing to worry about… But, I sure am thankful that my babies’ teachers are looking out for them along with me.

Here are just a few of the sad things I learned today — courtesy of The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and this CDC Suicide Datasheet:

• Among young adults ages 15 to 24 years old, there are approximately 100-200 attempts for every completed suicide.
• Suicide among males is four times higher than among females and represents 79% of all U.S. suicides.
• Suicide is the third leading cause of death among persons aged 15-24 years, the second among persons aged 25-34  years, the fourth among person aged 35-54 years, and the eighth among person 55-64 years.
• In 2011, 487,700 people were treated in emergency departments for self-inflicted injuries.

Try to have an empowering weekend and spend some extra time hugging and loving-on your beautiful babies and grand-babies. According to the statistics, it looks like they might need it.

Gratitude, Part 3

Shaymin the Gratitude Pokémon

Being grateful has its health benefits, too! It’s like exercise — the more you do it the easier it gets and the better it feels (also, “use it or lose it”). And don’t forget, philosophers consider gratitude to be a virtue!

Don’t dwell on the negative.
Change your perspective.
If anything, just be thankful for the opportunity that was created and the lesson you have learned.

Gratitude can:

• Lower your blood pressure, anxiety and hostility.
• Help lower your stress level and ease the pain of loss.
• A thankful attitude can make quitting smoking and losing weight easier.
• Grateful people are less likely to feel depression, phobias and suffer from addiction. They generally take better care of themselves all-around.

Things to be grateful for:

• WordPress 😉
• Your job
• Today
• The vehicle that gets you to your job every day so you can pay your bills.
• The sunrise/set
• Music!
• Dishwashers
• Farmers
• Etc… (I’m pretty sure you get it :))

Ways to help you feel gratitude:

• Keep a gratitude journal (this is a very popular method)
• Make a list of the things that make you happy – ask yourself, “Do I take any of these for granted?”
• Write a Thank You note and deliver it (or not…)
• Look for the good in “bad” things.
• Use the power of your gratitude to help others feel good about themselves.
• Give yourself pep-talks — reflect on challenging situations you have been in and praise yourself for the way you handled it/them.
• Show gratitude to your body with some meditation, Tai Chi or yoga — breathe in and out repeating the words “thank you” while you praise the wonderful things your body and mind do for you…

Believe me, the more you say “Thank you” and show your appreciation for the little things, the better you will feel. The more I appreciate me and the things around me, the less validation I need to “get by”. It’s a most interesting thing!

References:

• http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/painter/2008-11-23-your-health_N.htm
• http://women.webmd.com/features/gratitute-health-boost
• http://www.goal-setting-guide.com/gratitude-improves-your-health

I want a new face

I have decided that I want a new face.

My body has changed.
My mind has changed.
My taste has changed.
My personality has changed.
My sexuality has changed.

Yet, I am actually quite adverse to change.
That’s where I was before. Unchangeable.

First I had to make the biggest and best change of all… I moved away from my roots.
Someday I may get into that. But I am very very glad I made THAT change.
Because now I am me – the person I was trying to find before I started making changes.

But I’m pretty sure that I’m not done changing

x

x

 Yet…