Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Argh!!!!!!!! Skater Down!

Saturday night my roller skates broke. Well, one of them anyway… *sigh*

I just got them in January! A month before I went to Phoenix!!

ūüė¶

Broken Skate 1

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Scattered

whatever the fuck that means… It seemed fitting.

I haven’t been talking about Mick much on here because a ton of things have been happening in a very short time. I don’t know what I want to share and what I don’t.

We’ve spent one night a week together every single week since things got started with us at the end of February, nearly every single Sunday afternoon, a couple of Friday evenings,¬†and we also meet most Tuesdays for ‘lunch’. Sex is only involved on the night we spend together. Tuesdays there is a lot of kissing and touching, sometimes he puts his hands around my neck… Fridays we just hang out somewhere cool, and Sundays seem to be our “talking day” with some kissing and touching and, once, sex.

We made our 6-month agreement on¬†a Sunday and have been discussing our “relationship” pretty much every Sunday since then. Every conversation is a productive one, whether good or bad. He thinks all of them have been good; I think most of them have been productive but they have left me feeling like shit more often than not.

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Sweet Enough to Eat

Good morning sweetheart.
I can smell you next to me already. You smell sweet enough to eat. I think I will. I want to savor your lips all puffy and red from the torture I have imposed on them. The moans that you make are music to my ears. I love that music. You are MY sweet kitten.

Have a great day

found on Tumblr

Happy Friday the 13th…

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How Is It Free Will if I Have to Ask Permission?

You will talk to me about it and we will communicate. I simply want to know what’s going on.

Isn’t that¬†how all relationships should be?

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I Should Have Sent the Original (aka The ‘Conversation’ We Had Instead)

I think what you read about “ritual” is somewhat valid. The reason that I spent so much time on your neck yesterday was to reestablish your place. I am not sure that it needs to be at a particular time or place during our play. Last week was very different in that I gave you a break from the pain in so far as whipping or the bondage since you nearly freaked out the week before. You were more lover than sub, just to remind you that I am fair and not just here to torture you. If you are not of sound mind and body you are not much “good” to me. I have no desire for you to fear me. Your submission comes from respect. I welcome your suggestions on how I might win your submission more readily.

The pattern of what we do during play time is mostly the same. The difference is the positions and toys or tools. Here is the part where I don’t agree with “ritual”. If you get the same thing every time, then you expect it. I don’t think you should be able to anticipate what I will have in store for you next. You are supposed to be here for my pleasure. That should mean whatever I wish to do as well as whenever I wish to do it.

And as far as your libido, I will take care of that for you. Your imagination doesn’t have to be great either. It is my place to stimulate you and find new ways to take charge of your orgasms. Whether it be bring you to the edge of orgasm and deny it, or to give you more than you think you are capable of. I can take you to the point of mere mention of my touch will make you creamy, or a simple touch will make you shudder uncontrollably. Then, Daddy’s girl will know who she belongs to.

The response I probably should have sent is HERE

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Maybe Submission Isn’t For Me (aka The Note I Didn’t Send)

Wild Submission~ submission photo WS3_zpsfe6495a3.jpg

I think part of my¬†issue with my submitting to you 100%¬†is that I don’t really know my place. It’s hard for me to¬†define myself as your little¬†girl (or you as my Daddy)¬†because, no matter what, for right now¬†I am only¬†the temporary¬†‘side bitch’. The thought is preventative and defeatist, I know, but I can’t get it out of my head. I am so lost and confused in my feelings about ‘us’. Right now¬†I¬†am supposed to be¬†yours¬†as your kitten/toy/doll/little girl, but¬†I don’t¬†really know what that means or entails. We’ve established boundaries, but not enough for me to establish a definite¬†‘role’.¬†We are just starting to touch on which behaviors of mine¬†are acceptable to you¬†and which are not. When¬†do I call you¬†Sir or [Mick] or¬†Daddy? Or are they interchangeable?¬†Also something to think on, I don’t know why but I am having a tough time with calling you “Daddy”. It has slipped out in the past, before you defined yourself as such, now I find myself resistant to it. I am so fucked up…

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Daddy

ScaredKitten

Late Wednesday evening last week, Mick said something in an email that set me off. I don’t even know what it was that got me.

Maybe I was looking for an excuse to be angry with him or pick a fight… I don’t honestly know… Any enlightenment you can offer on the subject will be welcomed.

Hi baby doll,

I am so looking forward to tomorrow night. As always. Whether I am wailing on you or stroking you or just talking, I really like to be with you.

There are so many things that I want to know about you. I am not sure if you are ready to tell me yet. I know you are trying to not get too attached. I get that. There are things about me that I am not sure you want to know either. I have been having some random thoughts today and wanted to write some of them down. Your question at lunch yesterday was interesting how you posed it. [I asked if¬†he was going to be able to keep¬†up with me.]¬†I am concerned about the age difference because it is more than I have been apart from anyone I have been with. I have not exactly been easy on my body through the years and I am concerned that I may not be able to keep you happy in a few years. Not just sexually, but in all aspects. I know that you have already made some “sacrifice” to be with me now. I don’t want you to have to keep making them for me. I want to make you happy for many, many years. I am pretty sure you are deserving of that. I am starting to think of my own mortality and don’t want people to sacrifice for me. I have lived most of my life believing that I need to sacrifice for others to try and repay for my past. I am in somewhat of a quandary and don’t know what to do. Let’s talk about this soon. Doesn’t have to be tomorrow. Just know that this is on my mind a lot, just as I think about how you make me feel is on my mind a lot.

Hope you had a good skate tonight. I want to come watch you sometime, but not sure if I should. I am doing my best to respect your position of not getting too attached.

Just kind of rambling now. Sleep well my sweet kitten and I will see you in dreamland. Read the rest of this entry »

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Emotional vs Physical Intimacy: Interchangeable or Interdependent?

Heart

One thing I noticed¬†recently about my relationship with¬†Mick is I don’t feel a compulsive need to be having sex with him all of the time we are together. In fact, my actual sexual libido is almost non-existent. I’m rarely horny any more. That could be because (when we’re together)¬†he is touching me almost all the time and (when we’re apart)¬†he never leaves me wondering if he actually likes me or not!¬†We are honest and forthcoming with each other and communicate very regularly about uncomfortable things: his girlfriend and living arrangements, his tax situation¬†(most recently), the fact that I will probably be roommates with Things #1 and #2 for quite some time yet… I expect we will continue to be transparent with each other, because that is our foundation.

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Bitch on the Side

everything2

So… Why did I change my mind and decide to let Mick have 6 months of my life and my self?

Basically it all boils down to the fact that he treats me the way I’ve always wished to be treated.

And it’s only 6 months, 180 days… If it doesn’t work, I didn’t even waste a year on trying to figure it out. Shit! I’ve wasted that much time on Alaska! Although it¬†is much easier to figure things out with Mick because he communicates.

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6 Months

She Wants

It’s been a little over a week since Mick had his flashback.

We have since spent another Thursday night, Friday evening and Sunday afternoon together – with and without kink and completely without incident.

Other than the two posts (Sharing Space and Mind and About Last Night), I haven’t written about it because my emotions have been pretty scrambled.

Thursday night was special to me because Mick accidentally let me see a part of his inner self. But after that, *he* was having issues with letting his guard down too much with me and *I* was having issues with liking him too much.

Spending Friday night with Alaska was supposed to help put some distance between Mick and me. Instead, it put more distance between Alaska and me (which is what needed to happen anyway).

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