Life Changes

Life Changes

from Pinterest
from Pinterest

For the time being, my life is in a quiet, restful place.

Like the calm before the storm.

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Life is Like a Joke (for Someone Else)

Life is Like a Joke (for Someone Else)

There were a couple of days last week that could have possibly gone a little bit better.

Last Tuesday started out like it was going to be a normal day. I woke up with Alaska, morning sex, shower, kiss good-bye, the whole bit. It was nice.

But…Tuesdays

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Alone With My Worry Monster

Alone With My Worry Monster

Dont Worry

Some days my emotions get the better of me and, no matter how logical I try to be, there is no winning against the worry monster!

I have sayings posted all around my office. Half of them are telling me not to worry and why not.

I read them over and over again. Like a mantra.

It helps sometimes.

Loverman and I have established a checks and balances system that works out most of the time.

But sometimes the checks don’t balance and I start to worry.

Most times when I am worried about nothing, I tell myself that everything is fine.

Really.

Fine.

Because something deep-down inside of me really does believe that it’s fine.

That there’s nothing to worry about.

Even if there was, I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it anyway.

Worry is a Waste

Conflicted

Conflicted

Make A Choice

Loverman has a weird pain in his leg for over a week now. When he describes it, it sounds like the symptoms I had when I had a blood clot in my left calf, but he won’t go to the doctor to get it checked out.

We just texted about it this morning.

Loverman Leg Pain

Last night he sat out from skating. I asked him to remember how he felt when he found out about my blood clot and what could have happened to me. He understood, but only a little because he still hasn’t made that doctor’s appointment. Even after I told him that I would help him pay for the appointment and go with him for moral support, he only told me that he would think about it.

On a conflicting note, two different guys have been bugging me to go out with them. Like, seriously. Both of them are very cute and very successful and they both have enough money to actually buy me things and take me places… They also take fairly good care of their bodies and totally look like it! One is the attorney-man, Brent, and the other is a gentleman that I met roller skating about 6 months ago. Last Saturday he told me that he really liked me and wanted to take me out to dinner.

Mr. Doom-n-Gloom is still not noticing anything about me. Ever. He only talks to me when he needs me to do something for him.

Neither my shitty husband, nor my incredible Loverman care enough about their bodies to take care of themselves. I hate watching them be miserable and in pain when I am constantly trying to help them get better.

I finally gave up on Mr. Doom-n-Gloom because he knows exactly what he needs to do/eat in regards to his chronic kidney disease/insanely high blood pressure; his doctor has given him written instructions on what to eat and exercises that he can do. I even found him a support group, but he refuses to join because they’re all probably too old and he wouldn’t like it. He simply refuses to do what he’s supposed to do to get/feel better! His kidneys are currently functioning at 42% and that’s good enough for him. He’s dreadfully overweight and refuses to exercise because it hurts too much (agreed, but I told him that he can start slow. Exercise hurt me, too, before I got fit! Also, cutting out the soda pop and kool-aid would really help him shed pounds fast! But he refuses to listen!) He takes his prescriptions and that’s about it.

high-low_bpConversely, Loverman has heart disease, high cholesterol and dangerously low blood pressure (except he doesn’t take any meds to maintain). Pounds are practically falling off of him because he only eats one meal a day — and it’s small and full of unhealthy-ness. He knows that he needs to eat fruits and veggies and healthy things (i.e. oatmeal) for his heart to work more easily, but he doesn’t think he will like the way it tastes so he turns up his nose at pretty much everything without even trying it. I am an AWESOME cook and I make awesomely healthy food: even Thing #1 will eat most everything I cook as long as it doesn’t have tomatoes or pickles (except pizza — pizza can have tomatoes), and she’s almost as picky as Loverman!

It’s so hard to watch someone you love let themselves waste away, knowing that they have the power to make it better.

Bright Side

Bright Side

I’ve given up on the bright side for now. Tonight’s belated birthday celebration/plans are cancelled (not postponed). I am so tired of always being last on the list {sigh}. I don’t know why I was getting my hopes up. Last night when I was trying to sleep I kept telling myself that even though thinking it’s going to happen will make me happier temporarily, the reality of it is: he has his brother’s broken car, he hasn’t slept a full night in over a week, he’s working a new job, stupid baby momma drama, his back is killing him, bowling league…

The fucking crappiest thing about it all is that after all of that, he won’t be coming home to

He’s going to be at his home with someone who probably won’t even acknowledge his presence when he enters the room.
He’ll be changing into something more comfortable to work on a car or something and she will be complaining about how he never tries to have sex with her any more. Then he will say “Hey, I’m mostly naked, how about right now?” (I hate that part). Then she will say, “I didn’t mean right now(I like that part).
Then, it will be later when he’s trying to relax , she will come down asking for a back rub, get a really fucking good one, and then go to bed without returning the favor.
After really not resting at all, he will have to get his weary ass back up again to work a 12-hour on-your-feet shift at a new job that he doesn’t even know yet. (for the record, I am so jealous and resentful of her words cannot describe!)
Wash, rinse, repeat…

  • I want to be the one he comes home to so he has a hot meal, a comfortable warm bed and a luxurious back rub.
  • I want to have his warm, luxurious body next to me while he rests peacefully on my breasts.
  • I want, I want, I want.

I just can’t stop being selfish, even after all of that — knowing the shitpile that is on his plate right now. (And he’s pushing me away instead of letting me help. Infuriating!) I guess I am addicted to the happiness I feel when he’s around. I know, I know, I know… But I really like being happy. I really like making him feel happy when he’s down in the dumps – but I can’t do it right now. It’s frustrating as HELL! (and I miss him, too! My insides are tearing apart. He’s been gone too freaking long!)

My tagline is “why do good feelings have to feel so good?” It must be so the bad ones can feel so bad.

I’ve been trying to look at the bright side with my ‘uplifting attitude’, but it stopped working after I received the text cancelling tonight and I can only see the dark side now. Futility sucks. I wish I had more control over my life and the things that make me happy. I wasn’t ready for a new lesson in suffering and appreciation and sacrifice. But, I guess I had it coming, I have been kind of selfish.

The cruel part of me told me all afternoon that he’s going to surprise me when I get off work and that this is him just teasing me. Although he’s never been that cruel to me before… Even in a loving way. But that didn’t happen. (of course)

The mega-bitch part of me kind of wanted to put that super-hot-cougar dress and fuck-me boots on and go to a bar. After all, I wasn’t supposed to be home tonight… (but I already know where that could end up, so I made a different choice this time and I’m watching Family Feud and drinking tequila instead…)

More change than I wanted

More change than I wanted

I haven’t talked to Loverman for a bunch of days and he didn’t return a text (gasp!). Which is, actually, not like him at all. I wasn’t worried (yet) but I was a teensy-weensy bit hurt… So, last night he finally had a chance to call and we talked for a couple of hours (I *LOVE* listening to him talk :)) But I cried really hard for a while because things are going to (OMG) change! And not in the good way…

He works for a security company and his current job came to an end abruptly (earlier than he thought, but he knew it was coming). Then again, abruptly, they moved him to a new job that’s a tad bit closer to his house. 40 hours a week, same hourly wage, etc… Very Nice! (kind of…) But his hours are drastically different and not even remotely convenient! (Can I just mention that I really really really hate mixed feelings! Especially when they’re so extremely opposite.)

Saturday nights have been our nights for pretty much the last 2 years. We have a quick dinner at McD’s and go out roller skating together. Get our jam on. Have some fun. Enjoy each other’s and other people’s company. I’ve grown quite accustomed to the habit. So, that must mean it’s time for it to change!

All along I knew that this was a distinct possibility — his hours changing. I even knew that it could totally fuck things up. But that didn’t make my heart feel less trampled when he told me that we couldn’t have Saturdays any more and it would be a couple of weeks before he gets used to his new schedule. We were planning a special birthday night/day thing next week because it’s been so long since we’ve been together it’s starting to get to him, too (that man is like a rock I tell you ;). I hope we can still get together for that, at least!)

I get it. These things happen. Even when you’re happily married and not trying to sneak around making plans 2+ weeks after someone’s B-day, sometimes things just don’t work out how you want. And, I don’t have too much to complain about, really. I’m just SO disappointed!!!

Now, I just need to settle myself down, practice what I preach and just be thankful for the times when we will be together (tonight there will be time for a few cocktails, but nothing really more. Ooooh, anticipation! blah, blah, blah…)

And, BTW, I looked in the mirror and today I want a new face even more. I look so puffy and old and tired and sad (I know, I know, crying in the middle of the night and sleeping like shit really doesn’t help)… It is almost Halloween, I could just go and pick up a “happy mask” or something.