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The Value of a Kiss

About a week ago, Alaska asked me to drive him to a client’s upcoming new home (or however you want to say it. I’m not a Realtor® and I don’t technically care about the technicality of it 😉 )…

… because the new home buyers wanted to take some measurements for some stuff they were moving in and other stuff they wanted to buy, yadda. yadda…

The thing about it was, we had already made a different type of plan to spend time together.

Have lunch, watch some cool stuff on the computer…

Other stuff… (I really like the other stuff!)

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Karma Payback

Karma Payback

image from giphy.com
image from giphy.com

I used to give Loserman money like it was going out of style.

And the fact that Doon-n-Gloom is still living with me after we’re divorced also speaks to my generosity stupidity.

I don’t know if I was trying to buy their love or just being nice.

Probably a little bit of both.

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Fake

Fake

I’m surrounded by it!

Fake hair
Fake nails
Fake skin
Fake personalities…

And it’s all about money, money money!!!

Maybe if I had enough, I might be like all of them.

***OR***

I might choose to fucking share it or use it differently than on sheer vanity. But, I work with real estate agents, bankers and title companies. Apparently, to be employed or work in these fields, you must be 100% not real in any way at all.

It’s the status quo to drive a BMW or Audi or Range Rover or Mercedes and own your own, expensive home in a pretentiously glamorous neighborhood. I drive a piece of shit (no offense, Breezy), rusty, old 1997 Plymouth Breeze with almost 200,000 miles and I rent a fucking 2 -bedroom apartment with a loft.

  • I don’t wear makeup, pretty much ever. There will be a special occasion now and again, but it’s a pain in the ass to put on, it gets on my clothes and clogs my already-oil-saturated face pores.
  • My hair is very, very grey – I figure why the hell should I even try? It would cost thousand$ to continually cover up what is fighting naturally to be there!
  • I can’t remember the last time I paid full price for an item of clothing: thrift stores are where it’s at!

Johnny Id posted this picture Wednesday as I was writing this… It made me laugh so hard because it fit so well with my feelings 🙂 Thanks, J-Man ❤

from EvilMilk
Aside

There’s a *Venus* Retrograde I Need to Worry About, Too?!?

Image result for venus retrograde in virgo
photo credit Venus Lotus

At this rate, I won’t ever be getting out of bed. Especially since, right after the end of this *Venus* Retrograde, we go immediately into a Mercury Retrograde.

See what I mean about never getting out of bed? That and all those Friday the 13ths scattered in there…

I guess I can be thankful it only happens every 18 months or so.

You can thank Elephant Journal for helping me discover this cosmic phenomenon.

Apparently:

“In your horoscope, the planet Venus rules beauty, art, social relationships, partnerships, romance, love, values, money, and financial security [that pretty much covers everything, right?]. Whenever a planet is retrograde it’s not a favorable time for initiating activities in the area that a planet rules because your perception is off kilter.

In the case of Venus retrograde, the best thing to do is to: slow down and reassess what—and—who you value. If you ignore this advice, you may find that the actions you take during Venus retrograde come back to haunt you, because of a special set of problems you may not know about [isn’t that kind of just how life is?]. Venus only goes retrograde every 18 months (for 40-44 days), as it will from July 25, 2015 through September 6, 2015. Yet, this important event may have a huge effect on your life.”

Here are 8 things you can do to protect yourself…

  1. Hold off getting married or making wedding plans
  2. Do not begin a new relationship or break-up from one you’re in
  3. Make an appraisal of your current relationship
  4. Prepare for an old relationship to return into your life
  5. Beware of making changes in your beauty & overall appearance
  6. Postpone resolving monetary matters
  7. Re-consider whether now is the right time for an investment
  8. Cautiously evaluate any luxury items you want to buy

You can click this link to read more detailed descriptions, if you’d like…

So, in short, that’s 40-44 days where I shouldn’t be making these types of decisions? And then the next Mercury Retrograde starts on September 17th?

That’s 11 fucking days, people!! 11 fucking days to get shit done before I have to spend another 21 holed up?

And really not even that!

“The planet Mercury rules communication, travel, contracts, automobiles, and such [technology].  So, when Mercury is retrograde, remain flexible, allow time for extra travel, and avoid signing contracts. Review projects and plans at these times, but wait until Mercury is direct again to make any final decisions.

About a week or two before Mercury retrogrades, finish any tasks or projects at hand.  You can’t stop your life, but plan ahead, have back-up plans, and be prepared for angrier people and miscommunication.”

credit: The Old Farmer’s Almanac.

So… I MAYBE only get four days of relative sanity!?

Then I find out about Saturn Retrograde!?!?!? Which started way back on March 14th and goes until the beginning of August!?

“Saturn is the Lord of Karma. Retrograde motion is a time when karma is sorted out. Therefore Saturn retrograde 2015 is a double dose of karma.

Before we get into this, we need to understand what this word means. Karma is a form of energy that is very real. Like Saturn, it is very closely bound to time. Past, present, and future blur into one. If we have been bad in the past, then at a certain predestined time, an event will occur to teach us a lesson. If we been good in the past, then at a predestined time, an event will occur to reward us for our good deeds.

With Saturn in retrograde motion, the karma will relate to how responsible we have been in the past. The implications will affect our sense of security. This could be in any area of life… … …

… … … Dishonesty and treachery will come back to haunt some people. Victims of lies and scandal have the hope of being vindicated, but sadly, all involved will find this whole processes rather ugly and depressing.”

credit: Astrology King

Awesome!!

Image result for butterfly effect quote

butterfly-effect

There’s Still Hope

There’s Still Hope

Monday night I received a text from Scorpio:

Hey just to let you know I got some of that money ready for you to pick up whenever you want

I was SO surprised! Based on my past experiences with men (and a recent conversation) I honestly thought I would never hear from Scorpio ever again.

We met on Tuesday night after work and he paid me $100 of the $140.

He greeted me with a hug and I’ll admit that it was pretty awkward. We haven’t even spoken, only exchanged a few texts about the money he owes me from our Sk8cation a month ago.

Also, he had a friend with him and I didn’t know if they were expecting me to give them a ride or what. I asked if they needed a ride, they discussed it for a minute and decided to stick with Plan A: take the bus.

Scorpio told his buddy that he was going to talk to me in my car for a second and would be right back.

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Sk8cation: Friday

Sk8cation: Friday

Scorpio called me late Thursday evening to discuss the details of our Sk8cation.

During our chat, he actually suggested that we leave a little earlier than 6AM like I was planning! It surprised the hell out of me, but I was all over it.

Then, when I got to his house to pick him up at 5:30 Friday morning, he was actually ready!!! This also surprised the hell out of me because all the other times I have gone to pick him up, he has been running at least 30 minutes behind.

We made it out of Denver before the serious morning traffic set in and started our drive over the mountains.

Almost 2 hours after we left, Scorpio mentioned the fact that he had only managed to save enough for the 2 skating sessions ($18 each night) and $5 for food. Could I take care of “the rest” for him and he’d pay me back later?

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Strong as an Oak

Strong as an Oak

I pirate get almost all of my music from the library near my house. They don’t have an awesome selection or anything, but I have a pretty sweet music library with all kinds of variety! In fact, I can’t wait for our Kansas City road trip because I can just plug in my MP3 player and we can have something to listen to almost the entire ride; I suppose I will have to let Loverman pick something, too…

Sometimes when I am online looking for one thing, there will be something else in the “recommended” or “suggestions” section of the page. I have found quite a few new artists that I really like that way and I share some of them here with you when I find them; like Kate Nash and Do Wah Doo.

This song really empowered me yesterday and this morning. I thought I would share it with you, too.

Happy Friday! ❤

Strong as an Oak
by Watsky

Everything is A.O.K. (yep)
Because I’m strong as an O.A.K. (an oak)
But money don’t grow on trees
And I’m B.R.O.K.E. (broke)

Everything is A.O.K. (yep)
Because I’m strong as an O.A.K. (an oak)
But money don’t grow on trees
And I’m B.R.O.K.E. (I’m fuckin broke y’all)

Them rims, them rings, them things
You can bring ’em out.
I just had my debit card declined at IN’N’OUT.
The line is flippin’ out, givin me evil eyes.
Fuck the soda,
Rerun it with just the cheesy fries.

Cause’ I don’t think money is THE devil.
I’m not sinkin’ I’m just kickin’ it at sea level.
I got my floaties on.
I’m focusing on all the wonderful stuff
With the force of obi wan
Kanobi bro, I’m broke.
Although I won’t be woe-be-gone.
Cause’ even though my bank account is low or overdrawn, I’m down to mow your lawn.

I’m getting open, I’m soakin up every moment
And so we should make a toast.
We won’t be sober ’til the broke of dawn.

Because beer is cheap, and because love is free.
I’m buzzin’,
Feelin’ like every friend is a cousin g.
And someday we’ll be reminiscent
On some wasn’t we.
Just so down and out.
But we were happy then cause’,

Everything is A.O.K. (yep)
Because I’m strong as an O.A.K. (an oak)
But money don’t grow on trees
And I’m B.R.O.K.E. (broke)

Everything is A.O.K. (yep)
Because I’m strong as an O.A.K. (an oak)
But money don’t grow on trees
And I’m B.R.O.K.E. (I’m hella broke bro)

Why should I sit on my ass on the couch
Be askin’ why love isn’t equal
With lesser possessions I’m light as a feather
And so I can fly like an eagle
Cause’ everyone dies
And I wonder why leaders in power
Would lie to their people.

Be planning like they could be fitting a camel up into the eye of a needle.
But dammit id settle for fitting a
94′ Camry inside of my driveway
I’m sick of the image,
I’m livin’ my life, and I’m doin’ it my way.
I’d rather be makin’ the choices I’m proud of
Than chasing the mountain of money.

But if that mountain comes,
To me, I’m climbin’ it.

Got a brick and I’m laying it down,
Gotta shovel, now I’m breakin’ this ground.
Because I’m in the red
But it’s only a color that I will be
Paintin’ this town.
Because when I make it,
Then I dedicate it to the friends that stood with,
Who would do me favors.
Even lend me paper, when I couldn’t pay for
A little take-out.

And to the fact,
That whatever you think that it means,
I’ll be here and be livin’ my dreams.
And it’s cause of the people I leaned
On when I came apart at the seams.
So give me the moon, and give me the spoon,
I’m lickin’ it clean
Until there just ain’t nothing left
But who would lend a hand, cause

Everything’s A.O.
Everything’s A.O.

So when I say dey oh,
Say everything’s A.O.

When I say dey oh,
You say everything’s A.O.

When I say dey oh,
You say everything’s A.O.

Everything is A.O.K. (yep)
Because I’m strong as an O.A.K. (an oak)
But money don’t grow on trees
And I’m B.R.O.K.E. (broke)

Everything is A.O.K. (yep)
Because I’m strong as an O.A.K. (an oak)
But money don’t grow on trees
And I’m B.R.O.K.E. (I’m extra broke yo)

Everything is A.O.K. (yep)
Because I’m strong as an O.A.K. (an oak)
But money don’t grow on trees
And I’m B.R.O.K.E. (broke)

Everything is A.O.K. (yep)
Because I’m strong as an O.A.K. (an oak)
But money don’t grow on trees
And I’m B.R.O.K.E. (I’m fuckin’ broke y’all)

Looking To the Future. Seriously.

Looking To the Future. Seriously.

I have a lot of things to say, just don’t feel like saying it.

Things are going well, but I have been spending a lot of time wandering through the thoughts in my head.

Mr. AM never called or emailed me back. We were supposed to hook up today. I’m not surprised or disappointed.

I have established some kind of Pen Pal relationship with another guy from Ashley Madison, but that whole conversation has faded. We emailed each other almost every day for the first two weeks, but now when I try to write things to him, my brain comes up completely empty.

I’m not depressed or upset or anything like that. I am frustrated with my current situation (and Loverman’s — more about that later) and keep trying to figure out what I can do to change it or make it go away better.

Last weekend (10-or-so days ago) I talked to Doom-n-Gloom about contributing actual money to the household instead of just being responsible for buying groceries. This was a huge step for me: being able to confront him with a real issue that needed to be dealt with. He started telling me that his garnishments will be stopping soon (it sounded like the beginnings of an excuse to me) and I stopped him right there. I explained that I needed money from him regardless of the garnishments and that if he wouldn’t be able to come up with the money, the lease is up in September, he is more than welcome to find somewhere cheaper than $200/month. He said he understood and that was the end of it.shocked_baby

Holy Crap! It seems like this was a huge step for him, too.

I took my first payment from him last Friday. It felt strange, but it also felt very good.

And, here’s a little secret: I am not actually using ALL of that money for the household – half of it is going into a savings account I started for Doom-n-Gloom. Then, when I kick him out ask him to leave, there will be money to help him get a place (or something) AND that money won’t be coming from my pocket! It will legitimately be his money.

I am kind of proud of myself for looking to the future. That’s not really my thing.

I guess I must be getting pretty serious…

When We Woke Up

When We Woke Up

Waking up Wednesday morning was pretty much the same as falling asleep the night before: Loverman fast asleep while I was awake and trying not to disturb him too much. My mind started wandering again, thinking the wrong thoughts. I guess the conversations and the love we had the night before had not been enough to assuage my negative feelings about the money I have been giving him. By the time he woke up, I couldn’t tell if it was my sniffling that woke him or if he had just woken up naturally (it was probably my squirming).

He rolled over onto me, wrapped his arm around me and squeezed me tightly. “What’s wrong, Mamacita?”

“Nothing.”

He asked again, “Mamacita, please tell me what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I don’t want to argue or ruin our time together. It’s nothing.”

Third time’s a charm… “Sometimes I can’t help but feel that maybe you’re just using me for my money. I keep telling myself that it’s not true. I know that it’s wrong and that’s why I didn’t want to talk about it, because it IS wrong and I don’t want to fight with you about something so stupid.”

His arms released me so he could sit up next to me and I rolled over to face him. He wasn’t angry or irritated. It looked like he was thinking very hard about the right thing to say… I didn’t wait for his response, “But you could just tell me right now that you don’t feel that way and it would help me feel a whole lot better.”

“Do you think we would be able to do all the fun things we do together if it was just the money? Mamacita, it is SO fun doing things with you, I don’t want you to think it’s just the money.” The next thing he said was so sweet it made my heart skip a beat, “I do things with you that I used to do by myself; things that I never used to even think about doing with other people. Like going to the junkyard and fixing a car…” His words drifted off.

“Awwww, that was so sweet! Thank you. I know it’s silly, but I really appreciate you saying that, it means a lot. Thank you for sharing your alone times with me, baby.” I leaned up to kiss him, pushed him down onto the bed and then tossed the sheets up into the air high enough that I would be able to crawl under them (and on top of him) quickly. As my body lay on top of his I looked at him and said, “I am sorry that I made that rule where we can’t say ‘I love you’. It’s a stupid rule! Because I DO love you and sometimes I really, really want to say it and I wish you could say it, too.”

We made love again and, in the afterglow, we talked a little more about the money issue. We talked about how we are both afraid of losing the other to “someone better” and we came to the conclusion that neither one of us really want anyone “better”. We are happy and neither of us is going anywhere. I talked about how easy it is to be comfortable around him, how I don’t want to have to do all that work again with another person. He agreed and then we drifted off to slumberland…

We woke up right before 8AM and, while we were showering, I reminded Loverman about what we were supposed to be doing that day: getting his driver’s license fixed and getting his truck payments caught up. Then I asked him if he wanted to do something that I had mentioned a few days ago:

I mentioned that I had a little money in savings and was thinking about buying a car for Thing #1 at the impound auction which they just happened to be holding on Wednesday morning, and since we were going to be together that day anyway, maybe it would be cool to go and check it out. Even if we didn’t buy a car, we would get to do something fun, new and educational together and that’s always a blast. Then, maybe we would be able to go again another time knowing better WTF…

I knew what he was going to say, but I asked him (anyway) what he wanted to do for the day. I knew what we should be doing, but I also knew that if we did manage to get a cheap, working car at the auction,  he would have something functional that drives him around until my daughter can get her license and he can afford to get his broken truck up and running properly.

His answer was what I expected and we ended up hurrying up to get to the car auction by 9 o’clock. We were only 5 minutes late, paid our deposit to get in and then started to wander around looking at the cars. A few days before I had sent Loverman a list of the cars that would be in the auction and he had a few specific ones that he was interested in and wanted to take a look at.

The auction started at 9:35 and we raced to get back to the one car that we thought maybe we would be able to afford. We lost 😦 because we didn’t really know what we were doing. Auctions are hard! It’s hard to understand the auctioneer and, once we got the hang of things, the auction was practically over… But, we both agreed that it was an AWESOME experience and that we had a really, really good time there together. Also, both of us said that we want to do it again, even if we don’t buy anything… It was THAT fun!! 🙂

After I was sufficiently sunburned (even though I had on SPF 45! We were out in the direct HOT sun for almost 3 hours. I’m starting to peel today…) and our water supply was running dry, Loverman said, “Well, we might as well get going to the DMV to get my license issues worked out…”

“Okay, Baby. But can we go get something to eat when we’re done there. The donut we shared for breakfast is starting to wear off.”

Loverman laughed at me and said, “See? I will starve your ass!”

“I know, sexy man! That’s why I told you how hungry I am… And thirsty!”

His response was a bout of laughter and then, “Okay, Mamacita! We will get something in your tummy when we’re through. And some extra root beer!”

Amazingly, we only had to wait for 5 minutes at the DMV before they called his number and the whole thing was said and done in less than 30 minutes! It was CRAZY how fast it went! We had McDonald’s for lunch and I even drank my extra root beer (I was so thirsty I finished the large McDonald’s soda all at once and then went straight back for a refill. Loverman had a really good laugh about that one!).

This wasn’t the end of our day, however. He still had to drop me off at home so I could spend some time with Thing #1 because I wanted to celebrate her birthday with her (a day early, but I couldn’t get Thursday off… and I did spend the morning trying to get a car for her…). She would be turning 18 and I just got her some new skates… Wednesday is our skating night so I wanted to make sure they were in perfect working order before we set out at 6PM. Loverman was going to drop me off at home and then come pick me up again for skating. So, when he left to run some more errands, I gave him very specific instructions not to pick us up any later than 5:45, and then I told him that I don’t mind as much when he’s late for me, but it’s her birthday can he PLEASE be on time!

My oldest daughter and I had a great time putting together her skates; getting them ready, making sure the wheels weren’t too stiff and that the trucks weren’t too loose. We fastened all the screws and changed out her new bearings for a pair of my old ones

And guess what! Loverman was late picking us up. This time my emotions were much less controllable and when he called to tell me where he was and why he was late, I said, “Okay” and then promptly hung up the phone. Immediately afterward I felt terrible for hanging up on him, but also I felt somewhat justified. So, I waited another 20 minutes and, when he still hadn’t picked us up, I called him again (I am proud of the way I handled this call as opposed to the other one where I hung up). First off, I was immensely surprised that he even answered because he really doesn’t like it when I hang up on him — I figured that he just decided to go home instead of picking us up. Second off, I immediately thanked him for answering the phone. Thirdly, I apologized for hanging up on him “I am sorry that I hung up on you. It was the wrong thing to do. I was so angry at you I thought I was going to say something mean, so I just hung up instead.”

He apologized and told me that he had forgotten to drop his friend’s car keys off and had to turn around half way to us and go back to where he came from. Then, on his way back, traffic caught him and there was nothing he could do.

He finally picked us up over an hour late! I had settled myself down to a mild simmer and really just wanted to head to the skating rink to get my exercise on and my stress out. Thing #1 had been waiting patiently for him this entire time (bless her patience!) and her lightness of spirit was trying to rub off on me. We had fun talking during the short ride and, by the time we got to the rink, I had calmed down almost entirely.

My feelings have been challenging me to the extreme for the last few weeks and I am ready to just have a normal, feeling-free week of peacefulness. Unfortunately, my lovely Aunt Flo came this morning and I am back on my roller coaster of emotions for a couple more days anyway….

But, I am proud of the way I am learning to handle myself and look at things. I can’t blame others for the choices that I am constantly making — even if I make the choice with someone else in mind, it is still very much MY choice. I can’t be angry at Loverman when he doesn’t respond the way I want him to; he is programmed differently and reacts differently so I need to be more mindful of the things that he does do in response or reaction (and others, too).