Status

I’m Over It

Kink isn’t my thing.

I tried it and I like it.

But I am unable to find a compatible partner.

And I’m sick of trying.

It hurts too much.

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Return of the Ass Hat (aka: Loserman)

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I have finally come to terms with the fact that my truck Bear is not going to get fixed. At least not while *I* still own him.

Originally Loserman was supposed to have Bear fixed by the end of February. That was the deadline I had set for him.

When he didn’t meet that deadline, he set one for himself: the end of March.

In fact, March appears to be the last time in here where I mentioned it or Loserman. (Infuriation? & Oops! I did it again)

There have been some interactions in-between that I almost told you about. One time he came over and showed me everything that he has done and exactly what he was and would be doing. I thought it went well. It seemed like he was really doing something.

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Bye, Mr. X

Bye, Mr. X

If you truly love your wife and want some advice and perspective on making your marriage work, here is the website I told you about. This is the page with all of Matt’s Letters to Shitty Husbands – http://mustbethistalltoride.com/an-open-letter-to-shitty-husbands/. If you don’t have much time, read these, but I really like this guy and read almost every one of his posts.

For what it’s worth, thank you for taking time to dump me (but I suspect you have already deleted this email account and you were just being kind to me when you said you wanted to still be “friends”. I should have known better when you told me “It’s not you, it’s me”… Cliché or not…)

Good luck with the job, the wife and your beloved daughter. I wish all of you the best… Even though I hope to hear back from you someday, I’m sure I’m only deluding myself.

I’m sorry, Mr. X. I totally fucked everything up.

Someday maybe I will get it right, but for now I am off to break some serious asshole hearts before I am too old to have my revenge…

*sigh*

An Ending

An Ending

Mr. X broke up with me last night.

But he told me he still wants to be friends *sigh*

Sure, whatever…

It hurts so much.

I shared more of myself with him than I have ever shared with anyone.

Even you guys.

I haven’t shared most of what happened between Mr. X and I with you all.

Regardless, I got quite attached to him as a result of transference.

Then he rejected me.

At least he had the decency to tell me.

I guess.

At least he wasn’t like Loserman – Mr. X had the courage to tell me it’s ‘over’.

To my face.

At this point I’ll take my lumps over in the corner…

Alone…

Feelings On-Off

It’s not you, it’s me

It’s not you, it’s me

It is *definitely* not you
It definitely *is* me
I am too needy

And
You weren’t the one who didn’t make himself clear

*I* was

It is so very important to me that you keep your word

Crucial, actually

Once the trust is broken
It’s broken
How can I know now?
What you mean and what you don’t?

My heart is guarded from you
Tender from your random radio silence
Convinced that you will do it again

And again

And again

Image result for broken trust
My Response/s

My Response/s

I find it oddly coincidental that I received so much communication from you immediately after I re-opened my Ashley Madison account.

Why did you wait to send all of your emails at the same exact second? Why couldn’t you send each email one at a time, every 2-3 days starting last Sunday…??? If you had done that, this wouldn’t even be happening and we would probably be on “better terms” as you say.

This is stoopid hard! In fact, I don’t even know why you keep coming back… Is it so you can let me down again and then be able punish/hate yourself for fucking up again? Do you want (or need) me (or your wife) to be disappointed in you? Are you creating distance between us on purpose? Why are you making it so hard for me to be vulnerable with you? Why do you find it so difficult to be vulnerable with me? I don’t understand… It always seemed like Loserman was doing all of that, too…

I don’t believe you are being entirely forthcoming with me. My thinking that you are keeping things from me doesn’t help me to trust you.

Your poem was entirely too cryptic…

We had become attached.
There was more to it than that.
The layers and partitions have changed.
It was never my intention to become estranged.
Strange how this works.
Both women in my life are saying I am making them hurt.
I apologize for my change in focus.
My changes, are the things that broke us…

 

(his response to my post Fade Away)

I just want to give up every time things get tough. I like you a big fat shit ton, but I’m not actually convinced that you like me as much as you think you should/do. Or maybe you feel sorry for me and don’t want to hurt my feelings. That’s how it seems from here.

I don’t want pity. I need help. I need to know that you will keep your word and not be entirely consumed by every squirrel that darts past…

you-were-born-to-be-real-p

Just Fucking Tell Me

Just Fucking Tell Me

There was supposed to be a real-life story that goes along with my question, but I just couldn’t articulate it well.

I am so emotionally conflicted about it that I am having a hard time putting it in words. Probably because it hits so close to my heart right now… I’ve tried typing it out and I’ve tried writing it down.

No matter what, I can’t make the story come together congruently. Read more

The Nigerian

The Nigerian

Azi = Youth

Azi and I have had 3 “dates”: one back in November, one two weeks ago and one last Monday. We had dinner together the first time and sex all 3 times.

It was good sex all 3 times. He’s a very nice man, but there isn’t any ‘electricity’ (probably that’s because he’s not a total douchebag asshole that needs me for my money *sigh*).

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