Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Life is Hard (and scary, too)

Life is overwhelming me. So much so, that I am curious how I’ve made it this far.

I mean, my kids are grown and I am 49 years old. Somehow I managed to get married and stay married for 20 years. I found the courage to get a divorce… I’ve interviewed for many jobs, left those jobs for new ones, made friends and met new people, moved from MN to CO…

But, the past couple of years haven’t been going very smoothly for me and life has become increasingly difficult.

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The Uncommonly Common Narcissist

My theory:

Narcissists are becoming more and more common because –

…..day care….

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Word of the Day: Chivalry

Chivalry

I like it when a man opens doors for me or offers to take my bag/s.

Now.

But, when I was younger, it used to irritate the hell out of me.

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A Temporary “Problem”

Before I wrote my Signatures post last week, there was a little bit of “drama” with Doom-n-Gloom.

After all this time, he still doesn’t have any type of government-issued picture ID! He wanders around with a ratty old County-Issued Birth Certificate that the state of Colorado won’t even accept as legitimate proof of identity and his photo ID from work. (I wrote my Is a Drivers License Important? post over 2.5 years ago)

When he gets carded at liquor stores, they won’t sell to him because he can’t prove his age. He then argues with the cashier because he is “obviously old enough to buy alcohol, gray hairs and all!” Of course that never helps, but he feels the need to do it anyway.

He has to call and make special arrangements if he needs to take an airplane anywhere. He gets to go to the Special Kids line… I’m so glad he doesn’t travel often, and never with me.

He can’t even get into a marijuana dispensary, let alone buy the shit!

Two weeks ago we went to a Notary Public at UPS to have our divorce papers notarized so I could file them with the county court.

Of course, the Notary would not notarize Doom-n-Gloom’s signatures because he could not prove he was really him.

I was absolutely furious.

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The Strangest Thing…

In just the first two days of this week I have unloaded a lot of baggage on Mr. X.

He listens and is genuinely concerned about my well-being, both physically and emotionally. Then, he is intuitive enough that he knows what to say and how to act in response. I’m sure that plenty of men are that way, I just haven’t had one of them in my life. So, relatively speaking, such a thing is like a mythical creature to me: a unicorn, per se. Therefore I feel special and lucky for having found one.

I have told him a few dumb little things about my parents, we talked about two of the most recent discussions I had with Doom-n-Gloom and we even talked about how to deal with Loserman if he contacts me the same way as he did last time.

Every time I share something new with him, I am a little worried that it will be too ‘scary’ for Mr. X and he will run. (We’ve talked about that, too 😉 )

BUT

Mr. X already really knows the worst bits of me and still he has not run.

So… Yesterday morning when I was talking and Mr. X was listening, he said the strangest thing:

Wow! I think you might need me more than I need you.

I’m pretty sure I giggled because that’s what I’ve been thinking this entire time…

Then, because he thought I needed it, he carved out a very short time to be with me. Just to be with me.

I got to be with him for an unexpected 30+ minutes.

It was lovely and he did it just for me 🙂

BreathAway

He did…

He can…

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I’m Just a Mom: Fairness

Image credit: Miki

Image credit: Miki

This morning I was reading this post on one of my favorite blogs. If you’re feeling like you’re a shitty parent, maybe you should click on my link and read it. It turns out that everyone feels like a bad parent. Apparently, it’s part of the “deal”. So, don’t get down on yourself when your kid says, “I hate you because you won’t let me go to Johnny’s party while his parents are gone.” It’s only surplus emotional abuse boiling over from a teenager who is struggling with issues on how to deal with people and situations and, most importantly, disappointment. No matter what you do, it’s going to be wrong. Every single time. Get used to it for a while, and if you raised your kids right, they won’t hold it against you later 😉

I strive to be a good parent and (I think) I am one of the lucky ones who actually feels like I am. It also helps that my children tell me, too. But, I am also a very hands-off type of parent.

A long time ago, one of my aunts (who did not have children and did not want to have children, but she was a grade school teacher, so still credible) told me that: most times,

life already punishes us for most of our mistakes and teaches us our lessons. Parenting beyond that is just redundancy and a waste of time and effort (your kid isn’t going to hear it anyway, they’re annoyed that you’re still bothering them).

I agreed with her at the time because I thought my parents were micro-managing me into oblivion, but now that I’ve looked at it later as a parent, I still agree. Life knows things and teaches them things that are beyond my capability — I am there to help and guide them through those times of decision (and the times after the decision), but it is not my place to decide for them. Each choice they make has a natural lesson included: whether it be good or bad. They need to make the choices so they can learn from them — they can’t learn from my choices, even if I decide everything for them, there will just be resentment and they will never learn to take responsibility for their choices (because they have never had to make them).

chinese_symbols_for_fairness_9078_2_77

One of the choices I have made as a parent is to be completely obsessed with fairness when it comes to my daughters. It might be unhealthy, but I am determined that neither one of them will ever be jealous of her sister because she things the other is my “favorite”. I don’t have a favorite daughter… This is something I learned from my parents, because they favor my little brother to the point where they actually TELL me they do (yes, it’s still current tense. I don’t know if they are still telling me they like him better because they want me to change or what… It just made me want to move far, FAR away from all of them!)! My parents are the perfect examples of how NOT to be a parent and for that I am forever grateful to them. Because of their shitty parenting, I am going to be a better parent than they could ever strive to be!

If you remember, at Christmas, I itemized out their gifts. While I was writing that post I was also calculating the amounts of money I had spent on each thing because I wanted to make sure that neither one got more than the other. Every month I have to buy $60-$80 worth of bus passes for Thing #1, but I do nothing of the sort for Thing #2 and that makes me feel guilty. Is that normal?

It may not be, but I guess it shows that I am cognizant of the way I treat each of my children. And, even though both of them are completely different people, I try to make sure that neither of them is feeling like I favor one over the other. It’s really hard because they are so different, but I love them both so much.

AFTERTHOUGHT: In my comments, secretthots posted a link to an article that supports my belief in hands-off parenting 🙂

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I wish I were…

If things were different…

They just wouldn’t be the same…

My father used to say that all the time. I totally hated it!

Of course I wish things were different. Pretty much I wish that every day! Doesn’t everyone? But I don’t think that I can just wish away all the things that I don’t like. Some of the choices that I regret have turned me into the person that I love now! It would also mean that some of the things I enjoy and appreciate wouldn’t be the same – in fact, they might just cease to exist for me. And, although I won’t remember (because those things would not have happened), I might wish things were different then, too. Who can say what paradoxes I will create in my imagination trying to make things ideal?

“The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.” Patrick Star, SpongeBob Squarepants

If things were different, would I still love SpongeBob Squarepants? Would he still be my hero? Or, would I be voting for Mitt Romney in this year’s election instead? (I know they seem drastically different, but in my mind if I don’t like the one, I must be a “fan” of the other.)

If things were different, my two perfect daughters would be different. Maybe they would still be perfect, but they would be different. I would be different, too… How would I still know that they’re perfect? Heck, would I even have two daughters?

If things were different, my husband would take care of himself (or would he?). He would take responsibility for his actions and clean up after himself. He would act like an adult and treat me like his wife and not his mother. Or, maybe I would have gone through with that divorce 10 years ago. That sure would have changed things! I probably wouldn’t have moved to the lovely place where I live now, far from the repression of family and old memories. I would still be fat and unhappy. I would still be sealed inside my shell of self-protection – shielded from reality… And I would never have met all of these wonderful new people who care about me.

  • I wish I were richer. Then I would be able to take my daughters to Disneyland.
  • I wish I were taller. I don’t know why, I just think it would be more fun for me that way 😉
  • I wish I were sexier. Then I would have more self-confidence.
  • I wish my husband and I were divorced. Then I would have more freedom for myself, and I would be able to teach my daughters about healthy relationships. Really, I think I just wish that I had chosen someone else with whom to spend eternity.
  • I wish I never found out that my father drowns squirrels in a barrel in the garage every summer and then buries them all over the yard! In 2011 he killed 42. The last I heard this year, he was up to 39! What are they doing?! Keeping score?! Well, umm, you’re winning, you can stop already! FYI – squirrels mate for f***ing life, A**-holes!!!!!
  • I wish my mother had never told me that she wished I was more like my little brother and that she likes him better and always has.
  • I wish my parents were Democrats. Then they would just be completely different people than they are right now 😉 and that would be a good thing for everyone!

But some of those wishes are things that I cannot change (but if I keep wishing for it, maybe they will!) and will always be completely beyond my control.

“If wishes were horses, we’d all be eating steak” – Jayne Cobb, Firefly

I wish I had made different choices for my future a long, long time ago. But none of that matters now. I love the person that I have become, the things I have been forced to learn about myself and all of the world around me. If I had made different choices, I would be different too.

I don’t know what it would be like if all the things I wished for came true. All I know is that — things would definitely not be the same. I guess my father was right.

So, I guess the short version is: I wish I were exactly the same as I am right now!

(My attempt at this week’s DPChallenge: “I Wish I Were”)

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