The Last Couple of Weeks “with” Mr. R

The Last Couple of Weeks “with” Mr. R

(I think I may have waited a bit too long to write about this…)

The Wednesday evening before Thanksgiving, Mr. R took me out to dinner again. (Here’s our first date)

It wasn’t anything fancy. Just a burger and fries at Village Inn.

I was able to stay out late because I didn’t have to be home until 1:30am – Thursday was a work holiday for me, so I told Thing #1 I would drive her to work (and it was bloody cold!).

He had me home by my “curfew” and kissed me briefly before dropping me off.

Thanksgiving was nice (but that’s a different story with a different person and a different nice).

The next day (Friday afternoon), Mr. R asked if I would like to have dinner with him that evening.

Hmmm… I really enjoyed my Thanksgiving with Alaska…

But getting to know Mr. R is kinda challenging interesting.

We had a nice dinner. This time I picked the restaurant… He had a giant rib eye and I had fish tacos.

We talked about basic things: work and daily activities… He won’t talk to me about any of his family or any of his past, which means there isn’t much to talk about after catching up on current events. He told me about ice fishing and his new fish finder and how awesome it was; a couple funny stories about his friends and past adventures with them or by himself…

Read more

Aside

There’s a *Venus* Retrograde I Need to Worry About, Too?!?

Image result for venus retrograde in virgo
photo credit Venus Lotus

At this rate, I won’t ever be getting out of bed. Especially since, right after the end of this *Venus* Retrograde, we go immediately into a Mercury Retrograde.

See what I mean about never getting out of bed? That and all those Friday the 13ths scattered in there…

I guess I can be thankful it only happens every 18 months or so.

You can thank Elephant Journal for helping me discover this cosmic phenomenon.

Apparently:

“In your horoscope, the planet Venus rules beauty, art, social relationships, partnerships, romance, love, values, money, and financial security [that pretty much covers everything, right?]. Whenever a planet is retrograde it’s not a favorable time for initiating activities in the area that a planet rules because your perception is off kilter.

In the case of Venus retrograde, the best thing to do is to: slow down and reassess what—and—who you value. If you ignore this advice, you may find that the actions you take during Venus retrograde come back to haunt you, because of a special set of problems you may not know about [isn’t that kind of just how life is?]. Venus only goes retrograde every 18 months (for 40-44 days), as it will from July 25, 2015 through September 6, 2015. Yet, this important event may have a huge effect on your life.”

Here are 8 things you can do to protect yourself…

  1. Hold off getting married or making wedding plans
  2. Do not begin a new relationship or break-up from one you’re in
  3. Make an appraisal of your current relationship
  4. Prepare for an old relationship to return into your life
  5. Beware of making changes in your beauty & overall appearance
  6. Postpone resolving monetary matters
  7. Re-consider whether now is the right time for an investment
  8. Cautiously evaluate any luxury items you want to buy

You can click this link to read more detailed descriptions, if you’d like…

So, in short, that’s 40-44 days where I shouldn’t be making these types of decisions? And then the next Mercury Retrograde starts on September 17th?

That’s 11 fucking days, people!! 11 fucking days to get shit done before I have to spend another 21 holed up?

And really not even that!

“The planet Mercury rules communication, travel, contracts, automobiles, and such [technology].  So, when Mercury is retrograde, remain flexible, allow time for extra travel, and avoid signing contracts. Review projects and plans at these times, but wait until Mercury is direct again to make any final decisions.

About a week or two before Mercury retrogrades, finish any tasks or projects at hand.  You can’t stop your life, but plan ahead, have back-up plans, and be prepared for angrier people and miscommunication.”

credit: The Old Farmer’s Almanac.

So… I MAYBE only get four days of relative sanity!?

Then I find out about Saturn Retrograde!?!?!? Which started way back on March 14th and goes until the beginning of August!?

“Saturn is the Lord of Karma. Retrograde motion is a time when karma is sorted out. Therefore Saturn retrograde 2015 is a double dose of karma.

Before we get into this, we need to understand what this word means. Karma is a form of energy that is very real. Like Saturn, it is very closely bound to time. Past, present, and future blur into one. If we have been bad in the past, then at a certain predestined time, an event will occur to teach us a lesson. If we been good in the past, then at a predestined time, an event will occur to reward us for our good deeds.

With Saturn in retrograde motion, the karma will relate to how responsible we have been in the past. The implications will affect our sense of security. This could be in any area of life… … …

… … … Dishonesty and treachery will come back to haunt some people. Victims of lies and scandal have the hope of being vindicated, but sadly, all involved will find this whole processes rather ugly and depressing.”

credit: Astrology King

Awesome!!

Image result for butterfly effect quote

butterfly-effect

Did You Even Notice?

Did You Even Notice?

Lovers by Ivan Koulakov
Lovers
by Ivan Koulakov

My dream was that you would always be my “Papa Bear”

That you would take care of me

And I you

That I would be able make you proud

And you would be able to forgive me when I didn’t

I tried to help you slay demons from your past

I tried to help set your spirit free

I showed you everything I am

I gave you forgiveness

I wanted you to trust me

I needed you to trust me

…to be as vulnerable with me as I was with you

Read more

WTF, Loserman?!?!

WTF, Loserman?!?!

Loserman sent me this on Facebook yesterday morning..

WickedEvolution

I am sick of his Facebook-posting shit when he wants to communicate with me. I wish he would just fucking talk to me like an adult!  It’s so passive. He’s been doing it for the last week or so and I’ve been ignoring him because he’s posting it on his own wall, but yesterday he sent this as an instant message.

At least he didn’t post it directly to my wall this time, I guess. (of course that could be because I blocked him from posting there again 😉 ) *sigh*

I have no idea what the fuck?!?!?! I haven’t responded because I just don’t know what the fuck…

Please help me understand.

I am so happy for you and your new lady
I will always love you
Forever and always

It looks like you love her
With such beauty and wonder
But I will always love you
Forever and always

When I think about what happened in the past
I wish I had what it took to make it last
My beliefs were all wrong
Which made me weak all along
I knew when I left I’d be broken
Since then we haven’t even spoken

Doors were shut
Our hearts were bruised
You never called (?)

I am so happy for you and your new lady
I will always love you
Forever and always

It’s been hard to face it, it helps
Knowing nothing’s wasted
I will always love you
Forever and always

Although every night I sleep alone
I’m glad that you have someone you can hold
I wouldn’t wish this loneliness on you
Pray that I find someone special, too
I knew when I left I’d be broken
Since then we haven’t even spoken

Doors were shut
Our hearts were closed
You never called (?)

The Talk

The Talk

As promised, Saturday morning Loverman came over to my apartment to check on my broken-down car, Breezy, and he needed to put the catalytic converter back on my truck, Bear. (OMG! That’s twice in a row now that he has stuck to the plan! Holy shit!).

While we were waiting for the battery in Breezy to charge, I was going to sit in the cold and just wait – I didn’t really want to sit anywhere close to Loverman – but he told me not to be silly out in the cold when I could just be in his warm and running truck with him.

Electric sparks of tension bounced back and forth between us as we sat together uncomfortably, and then we started talking about our horrible, terrible, no good, very bad vacation.

For 30 minutes or so, he maintained that the entire skate debacle was my fault and that if I hadn’t “started everything off just like last year”, things would have gone well (hmmm… like they did last year???).

The battery was charged completely and I got out to start Breezy. Loverman checked to make sure that it was the alternator that had gone bad.

It was.

With the charge that was left in the battery, I moved Breezy to a better parking spot closer to my apartment, and then Loverman asked me to get back into his truck so we could continue our argument discussion. For a moment we talked about the plans for fixing Breezy, then we went back to talking about the sk8-venture from hell.

As we started to talk, he drove away from the apartment parking lot – so we could have a longer talk without getting interrupted by curious family members of mine wondering when we would be leaving to do the grocery shopping. I tried to break the tension with a joke (huge mistake!). I said, “Well, heck. If you’re kidnapping me and taking me to Mexico at least let me go back and grab my purse so we can get gas and food!”

Holy shit! He stopped so fast that the tires squealed and I thought his truck was going to flip end-over-end (and we were only going 5MPH, still in the parking lot). He pretended like he thought I was serious and acted super-offended that I thought he was going to ‘kidnap’ me. I tried to explain to him that it was only a fucking joke – we used to joke about running away to Mexico together all the time. What the fuck!?!? After another argument, he finally turned around and we continued to exit the parking lot to further our discussion from hell.

After talking to him about it in length, it seems that when I asked him for a kiss and a smack on the ass Saturday morning after our Friday night skate party, it was just too much pressure for him to handle. He simply wanted to shit, shower, shave and sleep. He still doesn’t know why I couldn’t just be happy with a couple pecks when “we had the entire weekend to spend together!”

I said, “I wish you would have told me that our vacation wasn’t going to be sexual. If I would have known that ahead of time, I never would have pressured you for sex or tried to be intimate with you.”

He responded, “I just wasn’t feeling that into it at that moment and I didn’t think I needed to. I was all gross and smelly and we had 3 days to ‘get together’. So I didn’t think we had to be all rushed about it.”

From my point of view, it seems like I had no chance at all of having a good sk8-venture with him. There was no way I could have done anything right — because, in his crazy imagination, I had already done everything wrong, before things even got started.

He didn’t even tell me the rules! (not that knowing them would have helped me at all, though)

Just as I suspected, he had set me up to fail – consciously or subconsciously, it doesn’t matter.

While we were talking, he asked me how much of a relationship is about sex to me. It didn’t take long for me to respond, “It depends on the type of relationship. The kind that I thought we had…. About 50/50, intimacy to friendship. And, intimacy isn’t just sex — I count sharing private thoughts, holding hands, kissing in public, being comfortable talking to each other, etc…”

He then clarified that “friends with benefits” means the same to him as “being in a serious relationship” does to me. He explained that my definition of intimate partners is the same as his definition of friends with benefits.

And after over 2 hours of all of that bullshit over and over again, the mother-fucker still wouldn’t take any responsibility for ruining our weekend.

I spent most of my time trying to explain to him how badly he treated me and how hard I kept trying to have a good time with him – even after he kept kicking me down.

He spent most of his time putting thoughts in my head and words in my mouth — telling me that he knew how I was going to be and what I was going to do. That’s what ruined things.

He’s completely focused on how everything went wrong with our sk8-venture 2014 because of me and (whether it’s my fault or not) he refuses to forgive me or try to get past it.

Unless I will take full responsibility for the nightmare.

He would only apologize for being late.

Remember – his tardiness is something I was never really angry about *sigh*

Like I said at the beginning of this stupid ‘adventure’: “He needs to learn forgiveness or we are done.”

Especially if it’s something I didn’t even do.

He’s already punished me for over a week.

I have been struggling with this thought for the past few days and it gets harder to deny as time passes: I think Loverman and I are done.

Until he has my vehicles up and running, he will be my mechanic. After that, I just don’t know…

Things will probably never be the same with us. From now on, I think it will always be a struggle to communicate with each other.

He is too busy holding onto demons from his past – a time before he ever even knew me.

Fuck Regret!

Fuck Regret!

NeverRegretAnything

I can’t go back and change what has already passed.

If it was a mistake, all I can do is learn from it and grow.

Regret by Hisgirlmaybe

I don’t think I’ve ever actually regretted something. Is that bad? Because I know I’ve made some bad choices, bad decisions. But I don’t think I can say that I actually and honestly regret any of them. Sure I wonder what my life would be like if I’d made a different choice or not did something but, I don’t know.
It’s weird I hear how people regret things all the time and part of me thinks I should too but I don’t think I do.
I don’t know what that means..