More Contact from My Catfish

This guy won’t let go, and the funniest thing about it is: he has already said “Good-bye” to me.

At the beginning of our conversations, he told me that instead of saying “Good-bye” when someone leaves or a talk ends, he always says “Peace” to them instead.

True to that, whenever we talked on the phone, he always ended our talks with “Peace”.

He explained to me that “Good-bye” was too final; that he only says “Good-bye” to people who have died, or he is severing his ties with them.

He said “Good-bye” to me when I ended things with him New Years Eve.

But then, after his “Good-bye“, he texted me some psycho-manipulative bullshit while I was on my skate trip to Houston.

At which point he told me he wouldn’t “bother” me again.

My ‘Exit Pencils’ Crisis

Why must I question everything? Why is so imperative there is an answer?

Why can’t I just be happy when there is no reason?

A couple of weeks ago, the thought popped into my head, “I totally suck at personing.”

“Monday Morning”

One of my very favorite songs…

by Fleetwood Mac

Monday morning you sure look fine
Friday I got travelin’ on my mind
First you love me, then you fade away
I can’t go on believin’ this way
I got nothing but love for you
So tell me what you really want to do
First you love me then you get on down the line
But I don’t mind, I don’t mind

I’ll be there if you want me to
No one else that could ever do
Got to get some peace in my mind
Monday morning you look so fine
Friday I got travelin’ on my mind
First you love me, then you say it’s wrong
I can’t go on believing for long

But you know it’s true
You only want me when I get over you
First you love me then you get on down the line
But I don’t mind, I don’t mind
I’ll be there if you want me to
No one else that could ever do
Got to get some peace in my mind

Monday Motivation: Silence

Again, I defer to Om Swami…

… Once upon a time a farmer lost his watch while working in the barn. This was not just any watch but his most favorite possession. His late father had given it to him decades ago. He searched for it frantically, in every nook and corner of his barn. He turned the hay upside down but it was nowhere to be found.

Somewhat distraught, hardly had he sat down when he heard children playing outside. He asked them for help and promised a reward of $20 to the one who would find it. Excited, eager and hopeful, the children rummaged through the whole area, practically combing every haystack, yet they couldn’t find it either. They gave up and went back to playing. The farmer thought he would never see his watch again.

“Can you give me a chance?” a small boy tugged at his coat.
“I don’t mind,” the farmer said, surprised to see a little contender. “But, other children and I’ve already searched everywhere.”
“I know,” he said. “I would still like to try.”
The farmer had nothing to lose so he let him in and carried on with his chores in the field.

A mere twenty minutes later, the young boy went running up to him.
“I found it!” he said, and, opened his hands revealing the watch.
The farmer picked him up in his arms, and said joyously, “How on earth did you find it?”
“I just sat on the ground and listened to silence,” the boy replied. “After a few minutes, I heard the watch ticking. The rest was easy.”

We are desperately searching for our lost possessions, emotions and love, turning the world upside down only to feel tired a bit later. And then we sit down, we wonder, we worry, we muse, we reflect, we accept, we relax. In that state of mind, life appears like the young boy and hands it back to us.

Sometimes, the greatest way to search is to not search at all. When you don’t search and just let it be, then you hear the watch ticking, you hear how life’s bubbling over and you see the beauty in everything. When that happens, you realize that everything you already have is a prized possession in its own right, the present moment being the greatest of all…

**ALL** LIVES MATTER!!!

Sorry to interrupt my regularly scheduled programming

BUT

My facebook timeline is all mixed up….

Half of the updates are happy skating updates (some of my friends went on a skate cruise last weekend!) and family posts about loved ones…

Silly and uplifting memes…

And the other half is about hate crimes and civil rights violations… Police brutality and street violence… Our youth rioting… More kids bringing weapons to school…

Looting and burning…

Some of my Skate Family is right in the middle of it! They called off last night’s Skate Night.

It’s so sad to see all of this happening again… Over and over again…

Please do me a favor and reach out to someone your normally wouldn’t and tell them that they are special and that they mean something.

And, when someone asks you for help, reach out and help them!

Because:

**ALL** LIVES MATTER!!!!

Every

Single

One

My heart aches for the City of Baltimore, which saw riots following the funeral of 25-year old Freddie Gray, who died while in police custody due to severe spinal cord injuries.

As a Buddhist and a follower of the teachings of Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., I both understand, but cannot condone, the violence that has erupted. I have no easy answers for either those enraged by the continued racial injustice, or those appalled by the violent rioting and looting the whole world is seeing.

Many say there can be no peace without justice, but so, too, can there be no true justice without peace. The riots must end before any progress can be made; progress must be made so that riots have their end.

What none of us should do is remain silent or indifferent. Tonight and in the coming days, hold your children, your families, your loved ones. Talk to them, and your friends and co-workers, about your feelings and theirs, and understand the passions that underlay them. All of us in our own way care deeply about both the symptoms and the manifestations of this disease that plagues our nation and indeed the world. To recognize this shared desire for both justice and peace is the first step towards both.

George Takei

I Miss Us

The other day my broken heart felt like a panic attack

It started racing

My mind chased after

I had to remind myself to breathe…

Stop thinking…

“Why do you let him have that much power over you?” I asked myself

I miss us.

Not Loserman so much, but US…

What we were together

When we were awesome

Or were we ever really awesome?

Was I just lying to myself because I wanted us to be awesome?

I am SO angry with him for breaking us

For making me question what we were

I don’t even want us back

I don’t think we could even have us back

So now I’m trying to start fresh all over again

With someone else

Something different we’re learning together

It’s hard to be newly vulnerable and trusting

While I’m still hurting

But he’s being vulnerable, too

I am thankful for this blog so I can just word-puke it all out there

And I don’t have to try and explain all these feelings to Mr. X

He’s trying to help me, but I’m blocking part of myself from him

Right now I wish he could fix me

RIGHT NOW!!!

Beat it out of me

Spank it

Tickle it, kiss it, love it

SCARE IT OUT!!!

I don’t know, just make it go away!

The memories hurt and I want to forget every bit of it

Next Week’s Mini-Vacation

We’re going on a trip together next week! Not a sk8-venture or anything fancy like that, but we are going to use the Groupon that I got Loverman for his birthday.

I am SO excited (and definitely ready)!!! We leave next Tuesday around noon, and we’ll be back sometime Thursday after lunch. We’re not going very far (see: Historic Crag’s Lodge). In fact, we will only be about an hour and a half away, but we will be in solitude with ourselves. Last year we did the same thing and it was wonderful! The only thing wrong was that it didn’t last longer.

I am grateful every single day that I have my sweet Loverman to help me break through the monotony of existence. He brings joy to everything we do together — and he would argue by saying, “That’s all you, baby.”

To peace, love and joy! Cheers!

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