Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Boring…

I feel like I used to have a lot to say here and, as time goes on, it seems like I have less and less to tell you about. There are weeks where I think there are a lot of things to share and there are weeks when even *I* bore myself… Blogs are supposed to have structure, and I have tried that, but do journals require the same kind of structure?

I’m not boring in real life. Really. But you can’t always put everything from real life into words.

bored-spot-bored-944713_500_416Is it because I have reached some kind of apex, wall, plateau, if you will?

I feel like my life is changing. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I think the parts that I want to share now are not necessarily the parts that you are waiting for me to write about (but I don’t want to start another blog. Been there, done that). I’m not entirely sure why I’m worried about it or even what I’m worried about… But now that I think of it, it has been a long time since I’ve written something sexy — and it isn’t because I haven’t been inspired, I just don’t feel the need to put it in words. Or maybe I can’t find the right words to use…

Recently I’ve been more focused on losing my pesky, squishy belly-fat and attempting to learn how to run outside (treadmill is a piece of cake). I’ve been counting calories and adding new exercises (lots of times unsuccessfully), adding new vitamins, trying desperately to add more protein to my diet (again, mostly unsuccessfully), dealing with peri-menopause, trying not to kill the roommate-husband (at least he stays out of my way — but still treats me like shit *sigh*). Basically, I’m lost in the the midst of changing into a middle-aged woman!

Menopause increases belly fat but no overall weight gain.

Menopause increases belly fat but no overall weight gain 😦

It might be more juicy interesting, but I don’t like talking about the husband here because I am trying to focus on the good things in my life. I am trying to look for things that uplift me; things that make me happy and bring me joy. Mr. Gloom-n-Doom is not (can you tell by the pseudonym?) one of those things. And it doesn’t matter anyway, he won’t exist in my world much longer; maybe another year. Tops… Then I will probably have plenty to share with you about his incompetence, rudeness and just plain ineptitude.

OR the Ongoing Adventures of Loverman and Mamacita will just get that much better!

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I HATE Being a Girl!!

BlameItOnYourPeriodI don’t want to get a sex change or anything. I am just saying that maybe if I had been born a boy it wouldn’t have been so bad.

I wish I knew what it was like to be a boy so I could compare.

Girls have all of these stupid, tangled emotions that get in the way. They’re impossible to sort out and sometimes the very worst ones come at the most inopportune times.

I can’t fucking shut off my damn brain! I just want to stop thinking. But no matter how hard I try, thoughts keep slipping in.

Like: why did I feel so disappointed this morning? I write here trying to figure out the answer to that very simple question.

Maybe it was because today was the first time in ever that Loverman didn’t get me off. I’m not sure I got off last night either… But, last night was about him. It was my time to worship him because he has been taking such good care of me lately.

We didn’t take a shower together like we always do. I showered alone. He hadn’t slept well the day before (he works 3rd shift and went to a friend’s house to work on their car and get a short nap) and then he said he didn’t sleep well last night, so he took the opportunity to sleep in while I was cleaning up and getting ready for work.

When he dropped me off this morning, I had spent our entire waking morning together crying on his shoulder. Not the weeping, sobbing kind. It was the kind where tears just keep rolling out of my eyes no matter how hard I try and stop them. He didn’t ask me to stop. He just let me do it. I’m pretty sure that he was uncomfortable because he was sitting next to a crying girl, but he let me cry and then gave me beautiful, sweet huggs and kisses when he dropped me off at work.

You should see me right now, sitting at my desk, all pathetic and fighting back the inescapable tears. Getting frustrated with myself for getting ‘so emotional’ that have to try even harder to hold back the tears.

I’m not really this upset that I didn’t have an orgasm, am I? My period just ended, is that it? I have been doing some deep de-tox treatments on my belly, could that be causing my emotions to spiral out of control? Is it stupid peri-menopause? I’m there: night sweats, hot flashes, apparently violent moods and depression now, too… My period was two weeks late — maybe it’s the extra 14 days of build-up…

Connection Lost by ookami-zone on DeviantArt

Connection Lost
by ookami-zone on DeviantArt

I think part of it is because we didn’t get to see each other last week, so I didn’t get my usual “fix”. The more time we spend together, the more I miss him when he’s gone (Distance) and we have been spending a more-than-normal amount of time together lately. This week I craved his closeness so much and I guess last night/this morning I didn’t get enough to get me “over the hump” (pardon the pun). Could it be that I am simply missing the connection that we usually make? Hopefully skating with him tonight will help…

Loverman has been so good to me for the last few weeks. I can’t even begin to enumerate his wonderfulness here, but most of it has to do with his incredible patience with me and the fact that my truck, Bear, has been going completely insane! Maybe I am upset because I am feeling like I am not meeting his needs — a personal feeling of inadequacy, he has never said such a thing. He tells me quite frequently how well I take care of him…

I have a better relationship with my OM than most of my friends have with their actual spouses and here I am trying not to cry about it?! WTF? It doesn’t seem like I really have anything to cry about…

Skating tonight will help….

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Clean Bill of Health

My appointment went super good this morning. The doctor was really cool, which was refreshing after the initial frustration. They took all the blood I asked them to take and all the test results were AWESOME! My new doctor told me that I have nothing to worry about at all — my results were all perfect! Well within normal parameters. Whew!

She did a breast exam and everything was normal. Also, she told me that they don’t usually do a mammogram this early because the breast tissue is still so dense — sometimes there can be clusters of cells that look like it could be cancer, so patients have to come back for tissue samples, and most of those results come back benign. I am not at risk, so she said she will talk to me about it again in a couple of years instead of running me through that maze — that’s absolutely fine with me.

My fasting blood sugar was 90 — she said for my age that number is perfect, too. We discussed diabetes and my diet. She told me that if I continue with my current physical activity and eating habits, I shouldn’t have to worry too much about it — just be cognizant of what I put into my body.

My cholesterol was completely perfect! 🙂

As for peri-menopause, she said that until I start showing more active symptoms there is nothing she can really do about it. I am still regular like clockwork — the only real symptom I seem to have is being more emotional, but I have always been pretty emotional (it’s hard to tell if it’s worse or the same. Some days it’s both?). She told me some things that I could take to help the hot-flashes and night sweats if I think they are getting too difficult to handle: black cohosh, a soy supplement, dark green veggies, vitamin E and Ginseng root. To keep my estrogen levels up, I should make sure to eat at least two real eggs a week (with the yolks) and keep having my soy milk every day (which will also continue to help with my blood sugar and calcium).

All my other blood tests were good, too: Vitamin D, calcium, sodium, potassium… And my thyroid panel came back at the low end of normal.

Hopefully the rest of my day will go as well as my appointment did. It looks like it’s going to be busy so at least it should go fast — and it’s almost noon already because I got in late…

Have a great weekend!

clean-bill-of-health-doctor-giving-the-thumbs-up
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