People Change

There are a couple of posts from over a year ago – namely this one – that paint Alaska in a bad light… “we” were new and I was scared/timid and not able to communicate my feelings to him. So I communicated them here… It’s still scary for me to go back and read some of those words because it’s truly how I felt.

But, as our “old” relationship evolved, I got better at communicating with him…

As a matter of fact, I “broke up” with him on New Year’s Eve (2015) because I had expressed my feelings to him and he chose to ignore them.

AND, even after that, as we re-continued things, I was able to articulate all my feelings to him when the whole Amanda incident happened…

When I read that post now it still hurts, but I wonder if maybe Alaska was just as shocked about things as I was… I mean, we did just finish a whole orgasmic mutual masturbation thing… 😉 and were in our post-coital cuddling place… naked… and he made love to me three times after that…

 …and he with me (even though his communication is more non-verbal) – The Morning After

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“To Love and Be Loved Back”


Re-blog of the original post on Om Swami: 24 Jul 2015 05:30 PM PDT

I once read a quote that said, “Love me and I’ll move mountains for you. Hurt me and I’ll drop those mountains on your head.” I think this basically sums up two aspects of our lives. One, how love, or lack of it, can make us feel about someone (or ourselves) and two, how we have mistaken self-gratification for love. Does love really mean that you will always be happy in a relationship? We are naturally miffed when things don’t go our way or when the other person doesn’t behave the way we expect them to.

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It’s Okay to Change

It’s Okay to Change

It’s Okay to Change

Originally posted on/by July 19, 2013

When you cling to what you believe to be untrue, soft underlying currents of suppression turn into tides of unrest.
When you cling to what you believe to be untrue, soft underlying currents of suppression turn into tides of unrest.

Change is constant — you must have heard it numerous times before. Constancy of change is not just true for the physical world outside but your inner world too. As your thoughts change, so does your viewpoint and with a different perspective, you gain a new understanding. And that automatically brings about a change in your emotional state, in your beliefs; you evolve, you grow, sometimes you grow out. Most people don’t let themselves evolve, they just revolve. They keep going round and round in circles, the same old problems, patterns, same old issues, same old responses, reactions, same old grudges. That’s not because they don’t wish to change but because they deny the internal change.

As we live through more days, as we learn from our experiences, our opinions are bound to change. The society, the world you move in, lets you change only certain opinions but not all. For example, as a child you are made to believe that Santa Claus exists. When you grow up, it is accepted to believe that it was all a setup, that there was never a real Santa. You discover it yourself. You realize that it was someone else’s invention, your parents, elders “created” him for you. Your own discovery gives you the strength and conviction to believe that Santa was a manufacture, an invention. Why is it easy in Santa’s case? Because you stop getting the physical gifts. I don’t think it is because of the lack of chimneys. When physical manifestation, the miraculous appearing of gifts stop, you question naturally. Had the proposition been that Santa comes and gives you peace and joy, it would have been hard, almost impossible, to deny his existence. Why? Because you could neither prove nor disprove it.

And this leads me to the crux of the matter: you are only allowed to change your belief where a tangible and an unambiguous physical proof is available to support your stand. The society does not allow you to question, much less change, your beliefs about your god, your religion, your rituals, at least not freely. A sense of guilt is instilled, you start to think perhaps something is wrong with you, you should not be an atheist or you should not be attracted to other systems of life and inquiry and so on and so forth. You are expected to believe in your Siva, your Jesus, your Allah; you are not allowed to question your belief. There is a subtle, constant and significant pressure on you.

The example of religion is just that, an example. People tend to behave the same in their selection of political parties, leaders, sects, cults etc. The keyword here is behave. Religion is a behavior, a programmed behavior that comes naturally after a while. Most of your actions spring from your behavior. And your natural behavior is simply an automatic response system; it is based on what, how, and how much you have been fed. Is there anything wrong with it? Not necessarily; you decide for yourself.

Getting back to my present subject of change: if you cling to a belief, an opinion you once had but no longer believe it to be true, you are simply putting greater burden on yourself. When you practice what you do not believe, the underlying currents of non-fulfillment turn into the tides of great unrest. When you are not at peace within, you get irritated, angry, hurt, you are affected easily even by petty things, minor issues. These are symptomatic. These happen when you are denying yourself the change that has already matured in you. When you recognize and accept your internal change, you experience a sense of freedom, a feeling of lightness sweeps you away. No reasonable, sane or intelligent person can consistently hold the same belief at all times. A rigid consistency of beliefs show either you are no longer listening to yourself or you are not accepting what your inner voice is telling you. Holding onto a belief is not the same as holding a belief. See the difference. The expectation of consistency is a societal pressure placed on you by the average thinkers in the ordinary world. Such thinkers, by the way, make up ninety-nine percent of our world. If you don’t believe me, just take a look around. Objectively. To paraphrase the thoughts of David Wallace: you will worry less about what people think about you when you realize how little they do.

On a dark winter morning, Mulla Nasrudin’s guest said to him, “You’re so fortunate that you don’t have to go to the mosque in this chilly cold outside.”
“Tell me about it!” said Mulla. “Thank God, I’m an atheist these days.”

Let go of whatever binds you. Be at ease with the change within you. Accept yourself.


(Image credit: Philip Gray)