Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Must Haves

Yesterday was meeting-centric at work.

There is one Wednesday every month where we have a sales meeting for 2 hours in the morning, then we have an hour break to check our email, eat and pee, etc… and then we’re back in a manager meeting for another hour.

I don’t look forward to those Wednesdays, but I don’t necessarily dread them either.

It’s the one day a month when our office has more testosterone than estrogen. Meetings with the sales men have been some of my favorite meetings and it just so happens that I fancy one of them. I always try to get a spot next to him…

Anyway, we currently only have one sales woman and she’s the boss (Boss-Lady).

She said something in yesterday’s morning meeting that made me think.

When someone wants me to help them buy a home, the very first thing I do is sit them down and make a list.

One side of the list will say “Must Have” and the other side of the list will say “Want to Have”.

I make a copy of that list and as we walk through each house, I check off the items on the list.

Do you think it would help if we carried around a list of the things that we “Must Have” when we’re trying to find our someone?


How often do you think the things on that list would change?

Every time we have a failed relationship?

Sometimes maybe in the middle of them?

It got me to thinking, though, and I think my current list would read a bit like this:

  • I need him to want to act like an adult. For example — take responsibility for his actions (mistakes and all).
  • I need him to want to take care of himself (because if he can’t care for himself how can I possibly expect him to care for me).
  • I need him to want to grow and learn.
  • I need him to be patient and understanding with, and not isolate himself from me for a week (or longer) when I have an attack of PMS or disagree with him. Clue = that is when I need him the most.
  • And I need him to NOT tell me that I am ALWAYS oversensitive because I am NOT!!

Most times I fight it successfully. I’m sorry that my stupid PMS monster comes out that goddamned twice a year, for fuck sake! It’s not like punishing me with silence is going to make me happier or something.

Ahem… **attempts to regain composure**



Taking a Break

I am getting uncomfortable with my closeness to Loverman.

I rely on him to support me when I am down, and he has been there for me a lot lately.

I can trust him.


But he’s not mine. He never will be.

And here is something that I haven’t mentioned to you yet:

at the end of April, I gave Loverman $800 to buy a truck.

He used that $800 to buy the truck (I think).

When I gave him the money I knew that the truck needed work, but I also thought that Loverman would just be swapping engines out with the truck he already had.

I also knew that I would probably never, ever see that money again.

And I was okay with it.

Until I found a cash-machine receipt in my truck, from two weeks after that, showing that he had withdrawn $400 at Mardi Gras Casino at 7:39 on the morning of Saturday, May 17th, 2014.

I found the receipt when I was cleaning out my truck one day at lunch. May 21st to be exact.

I didn’t want to “make a deal” about it. So, I took a chill pill and decided to think on it for a couple of days and wait until I could talk to a very wise friend.

She told me to just leave it be. Not to bother with it, because it was none of my business.

She was right. I shouldn’t have bothered with it, AND I should have thrown the stupid receipt away so I wouldn’t be seeing it stare at me every day from the console of my truck.

But, I didn’t listen to her AND I kept the receipt.

Yesterday morning I was PMSing in the shower and I couldn’t stop thinking about that damned receipt.

Not only had I given him that $800 to buy a truck, I had given him $400 two months before that for him to buy parts for MY truck.

He hasn’t bought those parts yet. He is waiting for a “deal”.

I am afraid that he was using MY $400 on the 17th. He is always claiming never to have any spending cash and now he has $400 to just throw away at a poker machine?


I needed to talk to Loverman, to communicate with him about my fears and concerns.

In response, he lied to me.

This is mostly how the conversation went after the “I found a receipt in my truck and I want to talk to you about it” part:

ME: If you already had $400 in the bank, why did you need me to give you another $800?

LM: To buy the truck, baby.

ME: I understand that part. But, if you already had half of the money, why did you need me to give you all of it?

LM: I needed that money to pay other bills.

ME: But you didn’t use that money to pay ‘other bills’. That money was withdrawn at a casino on a Saturday morning, at 7:39 – the exact perfect time for you to get there after you had just gotten off of work.

LM: Yeah. I took it out so I would have it later to pay those other bills I told you about.

ME: I am pretty sure that you didn’t have to go halfway up the mountain to find a cash machine which just happened to be at a casino on a SATURDAY morning right after work.

I am foggy on how it ended because he just blew it away like it was nothing, and I wasn’t trying to act like or sound like I thought I was his keeper or anything. Just the keeper of my own money, perhaps?

He didn’t make a big deal about it and we kept talking for a while about what happened with his weekend at work.

I am relieved, in a way, that Loverman didn’t get upset with me for bringing it up, or not believing him. It was just dropped.

Doom-n-Gloom would have had a fit, slammed doors, sulked, and then come back to argue some more.


But I know Loverman was lying to me.

He has a gambling problem. Occasionally, he will cop to it. I guess this is not one of those times. I do not believe what he told me, not one bit of it.

This weekend he was just calling a bunch of friends trying to get enough money together to pay “those bills”. He said he almost asked me for $13.

Last Thursday he asked me for $10 gas money and I told him that I couldn’t afford it this week. Little does he know that I could afford it, I was just wondering in the back of my head did he have his own money and was he just asking because he knew I would give?

When our conversation turned, I asked if we were on for our regular date night this week. He said, “No. I have a lot of packing to do. I need to get all my things together before Diva gets us kicked out of her house.”

“Okay, that sucks. I am really super going to miss you!” (because I AM) “Can we at least go skating together Wednesday?”

“I miss you, too, mama. Of course Wednesday skating is on.”

“Well, I can’t wait to see you on Wednesday then!”

After that conversation, while I was finishing up my commute, I decided that maybe I could stand to take a break from Loverman for a week or two. If anything, my pocketbook might thank me!

Next week he won’t want a date night because I will have my period. He is convinced that I can’t go one night without sex when we’re together and he is grossed out by menstruation.

That gives me two weeks without Loverman sexually. Seeing him only for our two, brief skate nights. Texting him less and less often… Him forgetting about me…

Stop it! That’s crazy!

Or is it?

Because that’s what I am trying to do.

I have ‘reactivated’ my membership at Ashley Madison and I sent out 4 messages yesterday.

Already I have a response to one of them and a date for dinner tonight.

At ChoLon!


An attractive man is taking me out to dinner tonight!

To an expensive, cutting edge, restaurant.

And he is fucking paying!

I hope I pick the right dress!


I guess I am looking for an other other man. To fill in the gaps (and take me out to dinner and buy me nice things)…

I know I can’t ‘have’ Loverman so I don’t want to get too attached to him – if I sleep with other guys, it might help me to remove some of the attachment. Then maybe I get worried because, if he starts sleeping with someone else, maybe he’s trying to do the same thing…


Related Posts:


Emotional Basket Case

For posterity: our ‘conversation’ yesterday morning after my sweet Loverman dropped me off at work. The first note was on a post-it that I left for him to find when he came back to pick up his truck, the rest were texts. He’s so sweet — he even said there would be  a next time 😉
I worry about that when I’m going insane. It’s something I’m working on…


Thank you for letting me be an emotional basket case this morning. Sometimes my feelings for you are so strong it’s hard to control them.

I got your note. Thanks Mama for everything. I will talk to you later tonight. Mmmm…

Ooo…sorry about my performance last night. I’ll try to do better next time.

LOL! Your performance was awesome. Don’t worry about it, please! Thank you, sweet man. For everything! I’ll call you tonight when I leave work. Good luck with Bear.
I’ll be sending you positive thoughts. Kisses!

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I HATE Being a Girl!!

BlameItOnYourPeriodI don’t want to get a sex change or anything. I am just saying that maybe if I had been born a boy it wouldn’t have been so bad.

I wish I knew what it was like to be a boy so I could compare.

Girls have all of these stupid, tangled emotions that get in the way. They’re impossible to sort out and sometimes the very worst ones come at the most inopportune times.

I can’t fucking shut off my damn brain! I just want to stop thinking. But no matter how hard I try, thoughts keep slipping in.

Like: why did I feel so disappointed this morning? I write here trying to figure out the answer to that very simple question.

Maybe it was because today was the first time in ever that Loverman didn’t get me off. I’m not sure I got off last night either… But, last night was about him. It was my time to worship him because he has been taking such good care of me lately.

We didn’t take a shower together like we always do. I showered alone. He hadn’t slept well the day before (he works 3rd shift and went to a friend’s house to work on their car and get a short nap) and then he said he didn’t sleep well last night, so he took the opportunity to sleep in while I was cleaning up and getting ready for work.

When he dropped me off this morning, I had spent our entire waking morning together crying on his shoulder. Not the weeping, sobbing kind. It was the kind where tears just keep rolling out of my eyes no matter how hard I try and stop them. He didn’t ask me to stop. He just let me do it. I’m pretty sure that he was uncomfortable because he was sitting next to a crying girl, but he let me cry and then gave me beautiful, sweet huggs and kisses when he dropped me off at work.

You should see me right now, sitting at my desk, all pathetic and fighting back the inescapable tears. Getting frustrated with myself for getting ‘so emotional’ that have to try even harder to hold back the tears.

I’m not really this upset that I didn’t have an orgasm, am I? My period just ended, is that it? I have been doing some deep de-tox treatments on my belly, could that be causing my emotions to spiral out of control? Is it stupid peri-menopause? I’m there: night sweats, hot flashes, apparently violent moods and depression now, too… My period was two weeks late — maybe it’s the extra 14 days of build-up…

Connection Lost by ookami-zone on DeviantArt

Connection Lost
by ookami-zone on DeviantArt

I think part of it is because we didn’t get to see each other last week, so I didn’t get my usual “fix”. The more time we spend together, the more I miss him when he’s gone (Distance) and we have been spending a more-than-normal amount of time together lately. This week I craved his closeness so much and I guess last night/this morning I didn’t get enough to get me “over the hump” (pardon the pun). Could it be that I am simply missing the connection that we usually make? Hopefully skating with him tonight will help…

Loverman has been so good to me for the last few weeks. I can’t even begin to enumerate his wonderfulness here, but most of it has to do with his incredible patience with me and the fact that my truck, Bear, has been going completely insane! Maybe I am upset because I am feeling like I am not meeting his needs — a personal feeling of inadequacy, he has never said such a thing. He tells me quite frequently how well I take care of him…

I have a better relationship with my OM than most of my friends have with their actual spouses and here I am trying not to cry about it?! WTF? It doesn’t seem like I really have anything to cry about…

Skating tonight will help….



i found you by ilona on DeviantArt

i found you
by ilona on DeviantArt

I got this message this morning:

I got my phone back

That was it. I don’t know what I expected, but I definitely hoped it would be more than that! It took me a few minutes to sort out how I should answer because the waves of relief were so strong I could barely take a breath. Immediately after, I was filled with a peaceful calmness


Once he sense of relief started to wane, as it tends to, it was like my brain decided that it was okay to feel the other emotions, too! The ugly ones! The dam busted open and now I am faced with:

anger (I was worried about you and this is all you have for me?)

betrayal (You told me that you don’t like going gambling without me!)

humiliation (How did I let myself get so worked up about this?)

and jealousy (Did you find someone else who’s more fun to go with?)

but the biggest one is disappointment (all of those other things put together.).

At least that’s what I think it feels like (and right after I wrote that fucking poem for him Saturday!!).

So, before I over-thought it and got angry said the wrong thing, I decided my best response would just be, “Okay” — because if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Right?

His response to that was simply:

I’ll talk to you later.

I was completely underwhelmed by the amount of information that he decided to give me! That’s seriously all I get? I’m pretty sure he would expect a better explanation from ME if I had been MIA all weekend!

I didn’t even get an: “I’m safe.” or a “Thanks for trying to get my phone back for me.” or an “I’ll bet you were super worried about me.” or a “Sorry to keep you waiting for so long.” I know I am being selfish right now, but I just spent all of yesterday worrying about him! And, I still don’t know if he’s okay or where the fuck he is!

My stupid Green Monster has double-teamed with Self-Doubt and they keep putting horrible thoughts in my head!!

Again, I couldn’t think of anything to say except, “Ok.” (Truthfully, I could think of A LOT more things to say, but none of them were nice. They were all “fightin’ words”! And I don’t want to fight, mostly I am grateful he isn’t dead!)

I want to write more here, but I don’t know what to say. At this moment I am filled with so many emotions tumbling around inside of me; every one of them trying to scream louder than the rest of them. It’s so loud and confusing I don’t know what the true core feelings actually are… Or if it’s just my PMS enhancing them…. Or if maybe this is karma’s helpful reminder not to get too close…

What should I be feeling right now?

How Do I Breathe
by Mario

It feels so different being here
I was so used to being next to you
Life for me is not the same
There’s no one to turn to
I don’t know why I let it go too far
Starting over – it’s so hard
Seems like everywhere I try to go
I keep thinking of you

I just had a wake up call
Wishing that I never let you fall
Baby you are not to blame at all
When I’m the one that pushed you away
Baby if you knew I cared
You’d have never went nowhere (nowhere)
Girl I should’ve been right there

How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go
When your heart’s where I lay my head?
When you’re not with me
How do I breathe?
How do I breathe?

Girl I’m losin’ my mind
Yes I made a mistake
I thought that you would be mine
Guess the joke was on me
I miss you so bad, I can’t sleep
I wish I knew where you could be
Another dude is replacing me
God this can’t be happening

I just had a wake up call (call)
Wishing that I never let you fall (fall)
Baby you are not to blame at all
When I’m the one that pushed you away
Baby if you knew I cared (cared)
You’d have never went nowhere (nowhere)
Girl I should’ve been right there

(And I wonder…)
How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go
When your heart’s where I lay my head?
When you’re not with me (I’m saying)
How do I breathe?
How do I breathe?

I can’t get over you, no
Baby I don’t wanna let go, no
Girl you need to come home
Girl come back to me
Cause girl you made it hard to breathe
When you’re not with me

(Tell me)
How do I breathe
Without you here by my side?
How will I see
When your love brought me to the light?
Where do I go (where do I, where do I go)
When your heart’s where I lay my head?
When you’re not with me
How do I breathe?

How do I breathe?

Without you here by my side?
How will I see (how will I see)
When your love brought me to the light (baby, baby)?
Where do I go (where do)
When your heart’s where I lay my head?
When you’re not with me (you’re not with me)
How do I breathe (How do I breathe)?
How do I breathe?


What should have been Monday’s post

Cloudy by hanariku on DeviantArt

by hanariku on DeviantArt

It’s been really hard to shake the cloudy funk that came over me Saturday. The littlest things have been making me cry. I hope it’s just PMS, because I really don’t want to give Mr. Doom-n-Gloom that much power over me.

On a positive note, Loverman was actually waiting at my job yesterday morning when I got there! His “broken” truck, Ranger, was sitting in the parking lot in the spot right next to mine. It made me so happy to see him; words cannot express! Since my disagreement(s) with Doom-n-Gloom on Saturday, all I have been able to think about is climbing into Loverman’s arms to recharge myself and my positivity. It was so nice to be able to actually do that for a few minutes before work.

His excuse was that he wanted to use my truck to drive to an interview, but I think he stopped by because he missed me, too. We haven’t seen each other since the Sunday before Christmas and we were both probably starting to feel some serious “withdrawal symptoms”.

His interview finished up right at the end of lunch so he stopped by work to drop off my truck and we took another opportunity to spend time together with a nice lunch at McDonald’s — we took his truck. There wasn’t much time so we didn’t get to talk a lot, but it seems that his marriage is right on track with mine: his wife didn’t get him anything for Christmas either, she didn’t even tell him “merry Christmas”!

But *I* got him gifts and I told him Merry Christmas enough times for everyone!

He was the last person on my list that I bought gifts for, and his presents practically fell into my lap.

  • Smelly lotion because that’s just part of what I get every year for everyone.
  • A “Love Coupon Book” on The Dating Divas website that I printed that out for him. There were three blank coupons so I filled one out myself that says, “Good for one skate adventure in the year 2014!”
  • Cold medicine — this wasn’t really a gift, but I slipped it into his gift bag because he was catching a cold 🙂
  • A gift certificate for a 25-minute drive through the foothills in a Ferrari!! I am SO jealous! I wish I could ride with!

Ferrari 430 Scuderia

And last night, when I got into my truck to go home, Loverman had installed new front speakers for me while he had it earlier! There was a little post-it note waiting for me that said, “I hope you enjoy your new speakers. Merry Christmas!” signed with a happy little smiley face that he draws at the end of all his notes to me 🙂 It turns out that he needed my truck for more than just its fuel.

Needless to say, I had a very loud drive home last night and in to work again this morning!

Loverman met me for donuts before work today at our usual 7-11 and I think it’s fair to say that, I am feeling much better and definitely partly re-charged!

I hope all of you have a very bright and wonderful Happy New Year!!! Be safe tonight and enjoy yourselves thoroughly!

Happy New Year by pincel3d on DeviantArt

Happy New Year
by pincel3d on DeviantArt


Broken Silence

Loverman: You at home?

Me: Yes

Loverman: Can I drop your oil pan off?

Me: Sure

Loverman: I’m here


And that is how he broke the silence.

I went outside to unlock my truck for him.

Pretending to smile as I walked.

Sometimes, if I pretend to be happy I actually become happy.

That didn’t happen this time, but I didn’t get sadder.

I told him again that it really hurts my feelings when he ignores me.

He responded with a blank look and, “What do you mean?”

Really?!?! Are you for real?

I said, Usually we talk every day and you kind of just dropped off my radar.

“I’ve been really busy working on this dude’s car and getting some stuff accomplished.”

(I hate when you say that shit: getting some stuff accomplished…

WTF? You still have my car in your garage waiting for you to drop the engine into it!

When will you be accomplishing that stuff?)

It’s time for a break. I am glad we are having one.

There’s too much anger filling me up inside and I don’t know if it’s me or PMS.

It’s still to hard to choose nice words.

We talked for a while longer.

I told him I was skating tomorrow and if he wanted to come with he needed to let me know.

I told him that I wanted to back off from and not bother him so much to do stuff with me.

I am always the one who asks if we can do something and I am sick of it

I wasn’t going to bother him about it again, I said. So, if you want to come you have to tell me.

I’m going skating either way, I told him.

“Yeah. I’m taking it day-by-day right now.”


I replied, I understand. You’re worried about losing your car.

There were other words. Small talk.

It felt awkward to me.

I don’t know how it felt for him.

He gave me a hug before he left and I went back upstairs to get comfortable and ready for bed.


Screw My Hypersensitivity

sensitive-areaScrew PMS (either the pre-menstrual kind OR the peri-menopausal kind, it doesn’t even matter)!

It’s like my brain is thinking and it knows what to do (or NOT to do), but my mouth/body just does whatever it wants *sigh*.

Last night we had a wonderful time just playing the poker machines (I gave him a 90-minute back rub right after we got to the room, then we went to the games). We had one tequila shot (because last week we each had 4 and that was definitely too many, but it made for some AWESOME sex — before Vanilla became the Sahara Desert!) and, for a couple of minutes, it looked like we were going to break even, but we didn’t. Each of us only lost $10, though.

When it was time for us to go back to our room, we talked about food, but it was 10:30 and both of us were more tired than hungry so we just went back upstairs to drink our bottle of Moscato and do some “stuff”.

He headed into the shower because he hadn’t had a chance to yet and I slipped into the Colorado Rockies t-shirt he just gave me. Vanilla got a good lube-ing so there would be no repeats of last week and I laid down to watch Conan. Before I knew it, Loverman was standing bare naked in front of me brushing the stray hairs away from my face (he’s just so sweet sometimes it totally melts my heart).

I grabbed the bottle of wine and he poured each of us a glass. We chatted (he told me that we have probably had sex more times than he and his wife since they started dating over 7 years ago!!! Win for me!) and slowly sipped our wine until after midnight. At one point I even said, “It’s so cool chilling with you.” He agreed with me and we crawled under the sheets together.

His magical fingers found his way to my moistened muff and started gently probing and caressing… It felt so good, and then he began to drift off. I squirmed a little and he woke up and resumed his tender touches. Eventually (you probably know what’s coming, right? BTW – no pun intended ;0 ) he fell completely asleep.

Sadly, here is where my brain was still thinking but my mouth/body had totally stopped listening (surprised?).

My brain was telling me to let him sleep and my body was aching to have him inside of me, loving me, feeling me…

For a while I laid there peacefully watching some really crappy movie with Donald Faison, but the movie was very bad and Vanilla was still rarin’ to go! I got up and went to the bathroom, relieved myself and got a glass of water. Then, I went back and laid in the other bed. Loverman said, “Why don’t you come back to bed, babe?”

“Because you’re tired and I feel so restless. I don’t want to keep you up.”

“Mamacita… Okay…” and I thought he fell back asleep, but really he just got quiet.

The television was pissing me off because there were only 12 channels and all of them were bad (except CBS where Craig Ferguson was just ending and TBS which was playing this super crappy movie) so I turned it off and laid down on the top of the blankets of the other bed. I could feel my feet tingling (“restless legs”, it happens to me all the time. So annoying!) and I really couldn’t lay still. It was bothering me, so why wouldn’t it be bothering my sweet Loverman?

I found out that he hadn’t gone back to sleep a few minutes later when he said, “Goodnight I guess then.”

This is when I became furious with myself. I wanted to get back into bed with him, and clearly that’s what he wanted too, but I didn’t want to wrestle around with the bed-covers in a futile attempt to get comfortable. I knew my legs would just keep kicking and squirming and I would just get more frustrated.

I got up and I started to put on my clothes. My brain was asking me, “What are you doing? Why are you doing this? Do you want to wake him up and have an argument?”

Apparently so. He rolled over in his bed to look at me and asked, “Where are you going?”


“Then why are you getting dressed.”

“I don’t know. I think I want to,” then I started saying mean things about myself: I feel gross, I think I am so fat, etc…

Loverman rose from his bed and started getting dressed, too. In my brain I felt like a total idiot, but now my “instincts” were in full control of my actions and I no longer understood what was happening.

“Please don’t leave, baby. I am sorry. Right now I am having some kind of emotional episode that I can’t seem to control,” I explained. “My feelings are controlling my reactions and I am trying to settle down. Please don’t go. I don’t know what words I can say to tell you how I am feeling.”

“I’m not going anywhere, I’m just confused.”

We talked again for a while. I tried to understand the emotional barrage that had overtaken me. It was hard to help him understand how I was feeling, too, because I still don’t know what the hell got into me!

Once I had determined that it was probably extreme sexual frustration on my part, I started to calm down — whether or not that’s actually what was bothering me, this answer seemed to calm me infinitely. (I get frustrated a lot because I don’t know when I will get to see/be with him again and I know that next week will be a “no nookie” week. Maybe I just got too far ahead of myself, maybe I was trying to proactively catch up…)

I told him that what I really wanted was for him to return to bed and that I would behave, but I really wanted to feel loved and sexy and he’s so good at that.

Loverman’s response was, “I don’t even know where to start now.”

Trying to break the tension I responded, “You could let me start because I am the one that messed things up tonight?”

“You said you wanted a back rub. Let’s start with that,” he said and I complied by getting settled into bed and baring my back to him.

One of my strongest feelings about him is that I don’t provide for his sexual needs as much as he provides for mine. When I tell him that I feel this way he just grins at me and tells me that I don’t have anything to worry about (and then, most of the time, does something sexy to me 😉 ).

About 30 minutes later my regular back rub turned into a sexy back rub and I started to feel like we were “on track” again.

This is one of my favorite positions with him — Loverman’s too. Coconut seems to fill in all my blanks and empty places with his rigid warmth and it never takes long for me to cum this way. He’s so close against me this way while he lays his entire torso on my back, and then he starts to kiss my shoulder-blades and tickle my back with his beard stubble. It’s heavenly!

Afterward, as I was lying next to him enjoying his tenderness, I realized again how very lucky I am to have a man (who isn’t even technically “mine”) who is so patient and tries to be so understanding with me.

I would say that I don’t think I deserve such a wonderful man, but he has issues of his own. So I think I will continue down this road with him and I will endeavor to handle my emotional outbursts in a more sensible manner in the future.

The Road Less Traveled
by ~LegoAztec on



Emotional Turbo-Shuffle

PMS sucks!PMS Monster

Usually I can manage the mood swings. Usually the mood swings only last 2-3 days and then I get my period and things go back to normal for another 25-28 days. Usually I don’t have a broken ankle and have to be on blood thinners because of a blood clot in my leg. Usually I know exactly what’s going to happen and I don’t have a weeks’ worth of anxiety built up inside of me.

This is the first time, in a LONG time, that I have actually wanted to get my period (even my 15-year-old daughter commented last night that she thinks it’s hysterical that I am actually wanting to get my period!). My emotions have been on turbo-shuffle for 6 days now and last night I just couldn’t keep up mentally. I just wanted my  “time of the month” to come so I could go “back to normal”.

Like I said, usually the mood swings only last 2-3 days — that is do-able. I can cope with the ever-changing emotional roller coaster for those 2-3 days, I just have to slow down and think a VERY LONG time before I respond to people and remember that my anger and frustration is just my stifling emotions getting the best of me. But last night I lost total control, my strength for holding back was gone. My coping mechanism had clocked out and gone home for the day.

It all started because I sent him a sexy text yesterday morning and I was waiting for him to respond.

After waiting all day for nothing, it seemed like he was just blowing me off… And while I was waiting I kept getting madder and madder at him for ignoring me. So, by the time he responded to my text with “call me when you get off”, I was completely bent out of shape (for NO reason at all).

Because I was frustrated, I decided I would ignore HIM for a little while to see how he liked it (that NEVER works, I don’t know why I keep trying it…). The car needed one of the tires pumped back up and the brake fluid needed to be topped off, so I thought I would do all that before I called Loverman.
** FYI, it’s difficult for me to get anywhere or do anything with my crutches and it’s even harder to do those things on crutches while talking on the phone which is part of the reason I waited to call him. I told him that… I do remember that part of our conversation. **

Well, it turns out that “call me when you get off” really meant “call me right now, I’m just down the street from your office”. But, I DIDN’T KNOW THAT BECAUSE THAT’S NOT WHAT HE SAID! So, I went about my business taking care of the car and called him when I was done.

He was two blocks away from where I was and I couldn’t stop being angry for long enough to listen to what he was saying to me!! And then I got even angrier because I was mad at myself for screwing up what could have been a sweet little rendezvous.

That is when I proceeded to be a super-mega-bitch-from-hell! I am sure that is an exaggeration, but I was so crazy I can barely remember the things that I said to him. I do know that was not the craziest I have ever been with him, but it had been ages since I let that monster out of the closet.

I was so mean to Loverman that I think he hung up on me! (I say “I think he hung up on me” because he answered the phone when I called him back and told me that his new phone hung up on me — it’s okay, I was being stupid-crazy and I deserved it if he did it! Also, it helped to calm me down a bit, because the last time he hung up on me, he didn’t talk to me for 5 months!)

phone hanging up

The way I acted was totally stupid, because I know that Loverman has other obligations besides me. In reality I understand that I am not the only person that Loverman needs to be there for. In reality I know that he cares about me very, very much and he would not consciously ignore me or hurt me. In reality I feel special every day that he has chosen to include me as one of his closest friends.

And I did finally get my period last night. Now I hope that my emotions can go back to being somewhat consistent again. Maybe it’s just psychosomatic, but I felt a million times more stable when I woke up this morning… There was no inexplicable desire to bawl my eyes out, no desire to tear out someone’s heart and eat it in front of them, I even made it through my morning commute without swearing at anyone! (really there was no traffic to swear at, but I will take my victories where I can get them!)Thank you

I called him this morning and apologized for my craziness. I didn’t make any excuses, I just apologized for being a crazy-ass bitch.

My Sexy Loverman accepted my apology with a simple “thank you” and then went to my office and waited in the parking lot to save a Handicapped parking spot for me.

I am SO lucky!!! I am SO grateful!!


Am I bi-polar?

Wow! I was just looking through my posts here.

Anger to erotic…

I’m just trying to keep it interesting.

So, today I feel sad. It’s a strange thing to say because I also feel pretty.

I HATE mixed feelings! You will probably hear me saying that again and again. I understand them, I just HATE having them. I just plain feel conflicted.

But right now, until about next Monday, my conflicts will be completely unresolvable because my monthly monster has temporarily abducted all of my rational sensibilities. Right now, I will have to take each thing as it comes (big and small – because for the next few days everything will seem too hard to handle) and s…l…o..w…  d…o…w…n… and think it through.

For example:My commute this morning was really no different than usual – it took the same amount of time, no one tried crashing into me like yesterday morning, etc… – but I could feel every minute I was kept waiting making me more tense. Being prepped ahead of time is no help when the hormones are on overdrive, I guess.

At work I am sitting here, wanting to cry my eyes out. For the stupidest of reasons, but I genuinely want to cry…  So I did. It’s a gorgeous day, so I left my office and walked around the block for about 15 minutes hoping that if I just let the tears come I would feel better when I got back to my desk. Nope, still want to cry. And don’t try telling me to think about all those people out there who have it much worse than me – that will just make it worse, because then I will just start feeling guilty because I am being so self-absorbed. Not to mention how I will feel for the people with bigger problems than my monthly monster…

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