Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Monday Motivation: Practice Happiness

I was listening to the radio on my way home last Friday (the day doesn’t matter)… Michael Franti was here in Denver visiting one of the local stations before his concert.

The DJ asked him the coolest question, to which Michael Franti had a most amazing response.

The question was:

You are so positive all of the time. How do you stay so upbeat?

The response was:

Staying positive can be hard and it takes a lot of practice. It’s just like how you get good at anything. You have to practice. And eventually you will get better and better. Then being positive will be easy!

Lately all I have been able to see is the negative

I need more practice being positive

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The Energies Inside Us

To restore its equilibrium, the brain tries to quiet our sensitized, trauma-related memories by pushing us to have repetitive, small “doses” of recall. It seeks to make a sensitized system develop tolerance. And, in many cases, this works. In the immediate aftermath of s distressing or traumatic event we have intrusive thoughts: we keep thinking about it when we don’t want to, we often tell and retell the event to trusted friends or loved ones. Children will re-enact the events in play, drawings and their daily interactions. The more intense and overwhelming the experience, however, the harder it becomes to “desensitize” all of the trauma-related memories.

From The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog: and Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist’s Notebook
by Bruce D. Perry, PhD and Maia Szalavitz.

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Making Up

TakeAway

Monday evening TC and I finally talked.

I didn’t want to go any longer without talking because every day that went by was making me panic more and more.

Also, there is the fact that I am supposed to be visiting him next Friday. That was freaking me out most of all.

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Date #2 With Mr. X

Last Friday we were having our morning “check in” talk and Mr. X told me that, for what it’s worth, he was sorry about the way things ended with Loserman. How sweet was that? I really appreciate his acceptance of me as I am. I mean, I put it all out there for him to see! It’s nice not to have to pretend for the first few “dates” until the ice is broken.

Also, I love having a daily check-in with him. It helps reassure me that everything is “okay”. You know how bad I am with that kind of suspense 😉

On another note, I keep expecting for him to ask me questions about what he’s reading on my blog. I wish he would ask more or say more or something. Some days, his silence is my suspense. Here’s what he’s said about my blog so far:

1. I need to keep it up just as I have been, talking about what I have been, etc…

2. What he said about being sorry Loserman ended it the way he did

3. He mentioned that he wished my post about our first date had been more positive about myself. Subsequently, he asked me to write a positive post about myself (so I wrote two! 😉 ).

I am going to have to be at peace with this thought:

If Mr. X has anything to say about my blog, he will say it. That is the way it has been and that is the way it will continue.

I worry too much!! Mither (1 of 2) Eventually I asked the inevitable question: when would I be able to see him again? And it would be perfectly okay if it was just a lunch meeting.

He answered, “How about today?” I was surprised! Honestly, I expected him to say Tuesday or something.

I don’t remember exactly how I responded, but it was like, “Same time, same place?”

“Okay,” he replied.

The butterflies in my stomach were doing flip-flops, I felt a surge of wetness in my panties. We talked a little bit longer and then hung up.

A couple of hours before we were to meet, he messaged me that he would be a little late. We ended up meeting 30 minutes later than originally planned. No matter. I was happy he told me at all! The consideration felt very nice.

It was wonderful to see him. I have been busy at work finishing up a part of the budget I didn’t think I was going to have to do, finalizing November’s numbers and also dealing with some more drama from the Atlanta ladies. Seeing Mr. X was a very pleasant diversion (although it did make it more difficult to concentrate on anything but him for the rest of the afternoon).

I enjoyed his company very much and felt more relaxed this time around. We spent a lot of time gazing into each others’ eyes and he kissed me a lot more. Even while we were sitting across from each other at our tiny table!

The way I feel around him is amazing! I feel pretty and intelligent and captivating and sexy and worthwhile. I completely understand that *I* control the way that things make me feel, but Mr. X sure makes it easy for my feelings to go in a positive direction!

When we first sat down, I mentioned to him that he was setting the bar pretty high for himself: talking to me every day, his incredible attentiveness… His being able to make this kind of time for me on an ongoing basis might be difficult to maintain. I am starting to really enjoy it and it’s something I could definitely get attached to.

I believe his response was, “I want to make that time for you. I enjoy talking to you and I don’t think you understand how often I really think of you.” (OMG – I think about him all the time!)

At one point he asked me if I would liked to be spanked for fun or for punishment. I think I blushed a little and I really didn’t know the answer. He answered himself quietly, “I will figure that out myself.” Now that I have had time to think about it, I have an answer!

Sweet Mr. X, spanking me with your hand would be fun for me. Punishment spanking would be you using something that isn’t you – something that doesn’t allow for direct contact of you to me. For example: a riding crop or belt 😉

While we were chatting I interrupted him. Probably a hundred times, actually. But, I remember once in particular because he was outwardly assertive with me and it really turned me on! He looked at me with a gentle smile, his hand raised a little bit to the side of my face (but not too close), and sternly told me to stop interrupting him. He really didn’t like that. Then directed me to look at his left hand positioned to ‘slap’ me. Immediately I felt a warmth surge between my legs (again!). And I stopped interrupting (I think).

I am not adding this to excuse my behavior (I guess maybe I am…), but interrupting is something I do when I get excited. With some of my friends, it isn’t a problem, it’s like we talk back and forth bouncing off each other like that; that’s how we talk. With other friends, it bothers the hell out of them because it seems like (to them) I am not listening; when really I am, I’m just so excited/intense/afraid I’m going to forget.

(I have a feeling that this will probably be the reason for many of my “reprimands” in the future.

I look forward to that part of my education 😉 )

It seemed like time had slowed down for us while we were together, but eventually it had to end and he walked me out to my truck, where he devoured my mouth with his most sensuous kisses yet. Later that night, I wrote him how they made me feel (at his insistence):

I truly am surprised I could stay standing after you left, let alone be able to turn around and get into my truck and drive away. My body was trembling and I had to take a bunch of deep breaths before I was able to go into work. My panties were wet almost all afternoon and I can still feel my pulse in my pussy now as I am writing this! I can only hope they made you feel half as good as that!

My panties were squishy for the rest of the afternoon and he has directed me not to masturbate until we have a chance to be intimate together. The suspense is killing me!

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Being Self-Positive

One of the first two tasks given to me by Mr. X is to write a positive post about myself (the other is to let him know, every day before noon, that I am safe).

Hmmmm….WordsInYourHeart0

There are SO many things that I am proud of myself for! I guess I don’t sit down very often and quantify them.

While I’ve been growing, there have been times when I have wrongly given someone else credit for my own emotional advancement and I am so happy that I could see it (eventually) and give the credit back to myself.

When I *do* look at my accomplishments, I can’t believe how far I have brought myself since I moved to Colorado 7 years ago!

  • I made the choice to go to the dentist and get my teeth fixed/pulled. That was one of THE hardest things I have ever done in my life because it really was the precipice of my “change”. It truly was like stepping off a cliff! It’s amazing how much having a beautiful smile to share with people has made a difference in me.
  • I love myself. I didn’t used to. Maybe I don’t think I am gorgeous or anything, but that’s not important anyway. I am a really freaking cool person! So much so, that I actually look forward to time that I get to spend alone with myself.
  • I never used to be able to go anywhere or try something new alone. It’s still a challenge for me now, but I can do it!
  • I kicked meth abuse. All. By. Myself! (I had to move halfway across the country to do it, but I did it!)
  • I have lost over 30 pounds and feel amazing about my body. The new self-confidence I feel from that is so empowering that I’m afraid I might accidentally use it for evil 😉
  • I am a totally awesome jam skater! It took so much work for me to get here (and the broken ankle). Other ladies watch me and try to emulate me. I have been watching one woman for over a year and she has come so far — most of her “moves” are very similar to mine. One of my friends tells me she wishes that she could skate backwards as well as I do. Last week a man came up to me and asked me how I turn so smoothly. The feeling is flattering and amazing!

My biggest problem now is learning how to deal with this new self-esteem thing. Feeling good about myself still feels strange.

It’s something that will take time for me to get used to.

I think I’m doing okay, though.  If I wasn’t, I would never have met Mr. X! 🙂

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