Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Arrogant Ignorance

crazypeople

My email to the office staff at the Honolulu branch:

Would it be possible to provide the vendor with the correct W-9 that has our new office address? Then you wouldn’t run into the situation where the referral check is sent to the wrong location and deposited somewhere unknown.

That’s how the other offices handle this

Thank you

_______________________________________

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Emotional vs Physical Intimacy: Interchangeable or Interdependent?

Heart

One thing I noticed recently about my relationship with Mick is I don’t feel a compulsive need to be having sex with him all of the time we are together. In fact, my actual sexual libido is almost non-existent. I’m rarely horny any more. That could be because (when we’re together) he is touching me almost all the time and (when we’re apart) he never leaves me wondering if he actually likes me or not! We are honest and forthcoming with each other and communicate very regularly about uncomfortable things: his girlfriend and living arrangements, his tax situation (most recently), the fact that I will probably be roommates with Things #1 and #2 for quite some time yet… I expect we will continue to be transparent with each other, because that is our foundation.

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Pride: I Hate It

photo from flickr

photo from flickr

Okay. I know it’s been forever since Loverman has been gone, but I have been thinking about him a lot lately (I am referencing him as Loverman instead of Loserman in this post because that is the ‘him’ I miss).

It probably has a lot to do with the evolution of my relationship with Alaska and the scary potential of actually even having one.

Anyway… Loverman was entirely too proud.

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Lost

lost

As time passes and I get farther and farther away from my last contact with Loserman, I feel more and more lost.

Every day I think of a new reason to call him – or I just end up mulling over the old ones.

  • The valve cover gasket in Breezy is leaking oil into the spark plugs and needs to be replaced. As you may already know, he’s always been my mechanic and he’s the one who rebuilt Breezy’s engine.
  • I still have his roller skates in a duffel bag in my back seat. I want to call him and ask if he wants them (and I miss my skate partner)
  • Next Monday is my birthday… Having a good day with him is all I want as a gift.

The biggest reason I don’t reach out to him is fear of rejection.

And, I guess if I had to be honest, pride…

There were really bad parts to our relationship, especially at the end when he seemed to turn into someone else.

But, before that, there were amazing times.

If there wasn’t, I never would have started this blog and named it what I did.

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The Silent Treatment

Mask of Loneliness
by ~Dhevi

First, I want to say “Thank you” to everyone who reads my words. Thank you for your patience with me. Thank you for coming here to read what I am saying. Thank you for letting me share my journal with you. Thank you for your help and kind advice.

Sometimes I think that I am over-reacting or being melodramatic. This is one of those times, but I feel totally wretched inside and my heart really hurts and it doesn’t feel like it’s over-reacting.

Loverman is completely ignoring me now. I sent him three text messages last night with no response.

  1. 6:05PM – We’re home (when I got home safe — still trying to follow the rules… Stupid me!)
  2. 9:15PM (I tried to call him first. Ring, no answer.) – Hey there, sexy pants. Do I still get to go out with you tomorrow night? (Reaching out just in case… Again, stupid me!)
  3. 11:40PM – I wish I knew you were okay, too. (because I couldn’t sleep. I was very angry and starting to worry that he’s really NOT okay!)

I promised myself that if I didn’t get a response after I sent the 3rd message, I would just leave him alone until he decides it’s time to talk to me again.

He didn’t even have the decency to say, “Leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you right now. Give me a couple days”, or anything like that. I think that would hurt less (maybe, I don’t know. It might be better to actually know he’s ignoring me and not hurt or in jail or something). At least then I would know something.

I broke my promise to myself (one of the biggest causes of unhappiness, according to Karen Sahlmanson — you should seriously read this article!!) and called him anyway because I still can’t control my impulses…

…I care so much about him…

…I can’t believe he’s treating me like this…

…My love isn’t conditional, but it sure as hell isn’t UNconditional! WTF!?!? …

…How many more times do I let him do this to me without telling him how it makes me feel?

This morning his phone is turned off. He never turns off his phone. If he turns it off then people can’t call him for his mechanic business.

It’s tearing me up inside but I’m trying so hard not to let it. I’m trying not to take it personally — even though I am pretty sure it is. I don’t even know what I did wrong! Is he upset because I got upset with him? I know that he’s feeling helpless and hopeless right now and that his pride is probably wounded, but does he have to take it out on me? What purpose does that serve? Usually we’re there for each other when there are problems. Did his car get repossessed and he’s too chicken-shit to tell me? How do I know if he’s okay? If he doesn’t care enough to let me know, then why should I?

But, this one thing keeps repeating over and over in my head, I can’t make it stop:

I can’t believe that he thinks it’s okay to treat his best friend like this!

Tonight I am still going “up the hill” to the casino with the cute-bartender guy, but I think I will have wine instead of tequila shots. I packed clothes for tomorrow because, whether or not Loverman responds(ed), I still intend(ed) to go up there and have fun and possibly have some more serious impulse control issues (I know, I know, that will not make me feel any better. Or, will it?) 😉 (j/k — I think)

bloodrose separator

I was going to write a post today about how I got all of my blood test results back yesterday afternoon and how proud I am of the results. Now I can’t wait to talk to the doctor on Friday because I think I will get a clean bill of health. Yay!

I am just going to try and focus on that good news all day (and the fun I will be having tonight all by myself!) because I am so proud of what I have done for me!! Huggs to me for “staying the course” and getting so healthy!!!

And these words may or may not help me, but I need to keep repeating them like a mantra (sometimes they bring me peace, sometimes they make me cry):

Everything that comes must also go. Like a breath, friends cannot be held forever.

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