Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

Daddy

ScaredKitten

Late Wednesday evening last week, Mick said something in an email that set me off. I don’t even know what it was that got me.

Maybe I was looking for an excuse to be angry with him or pick a fight… I don’t honestly know… Any enlightenment you can offer on the subject will be welcomed.

Hi baby doll,

I am so looking forward to tomorrow night. As always. Whether I am wailing on you or stroking you or just talking, I really like to be with you.

There are so many things that I want to know about you. I am not sure if you are ready to tell me yet. I know you are trying to not get too attached. I get that. There are things about me that I am not sure you want to know either. I have been having some random thoughts today and wanted to write some of them down. Your question at lunch yesterday was interesting how you posed it. [I asked if he was going to be able to keep up with me.] I am concerned about the age difference because it is more than I have been apart from anyone I have been with. I have not exactly been easy on my body through the years and I am concerned that I may not be able to keep you happy in a few years. Not just sexually, but in all aspects. I know that you have already made some “sacrifice” to be with me now. I don’t want you to have to keep making them for me. I want to make you happy for many, many years. I am pretty sure you are deserving of that. I am starting to think of my own mortality and don’t want people to sacrifice for me. I have lived most of my life believing that I need to sacrifice for others to try and repay for my past. I am in somewhat of a quandary and don’t know what to do. Let’s talk about this soon. Doesn’t have to be tomorrow. Just know that this is on my mind a lot, just as I think about how you make me feel is on my mind a lot.

Hope you had a good skate tonight. I want to come watch you sometime, but not sure if I should. I am doing my best to respect your position of not getting too attached.

Just kind of rambling now. Sleep well my sweet kitten and I will see you in dreamland. Read the rest of this entry »

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I Miss Us

The other day my broken heart felt like a panic attack

It started racing

My mind chased after

I had to remind myself to breathe…

Stop thinking…

“Why do you let him have that much power over you?” I asked myself

thepeacelovetrain-buddha

I miss us.

Not Loserman so much, but US…

What we were together

When we were awesome

Or were we ever really awesome?

Was I just lying to myself because I wanted us to be awesome?

I am SO angry with him for breaking us

For making me question what we were

I don’t even want us back

I don’t think we could even have us back

So now I’m trying to start fresh all over again

With someone else

Something different we’re learning together

It’s hard to be newly vulnerable and trusting

While I’m still hurting

But he’s being vulnerable, too

I am thankful for this blog so I can just word-puke it all out there

And I don’t have to try and explain all these feelings to Mr. X

He’s trying to help me, but I’m blocking part of myself from him

Right now I wish he could fix me

RIGHT NOW!!!

Beat it out of me

Spank it

Tickle it, kiss it, love it

SCARE IT OUT!!!

I don’t know, just make it go away!

The memories hurt and I want to forget every bit of it

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