Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

LEAVE ME ALONE!

Oh my fucking god!!

What does “never” mean to you?

Clearly not what it really means.

When I told you I never wanted to talk to you or hear from you again

I fucking meant NEVER

Don’t call me

Don’t text me

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Show Me

Reminders so I don’t take him back:

  1. Telling me my feelings are stupid when he doesn’t understand them
  2. His conceit and selfishness
  3. He’s a loud open-mouth chewer
  4. It’s always a struggle for his attention and time
  5. Not keeping his word, aka: empty promises
  6. Lack of respect and appreciation
  7. EXCUSES!!!
  8. Ignorance (circling back to #1)

If you love me, fucking show me!!!

(It’s taped at the head of my bed, so it’s there as the first and last thing every day)

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Going Somewhere?

Image result for going somewhere quote

Right now my ‘relationship’ isn’t going anywhere… Timeline-wise anyway…

And I am totally okay with that.

On the surface, I think that I am ready; I act like I am ready.

I want to be ready… I write about it here – how much I crave it…

Long-term relationship companionship…

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Saying “I Love You”

Image result for saying i love you

Sometimes those three words are easy to say.

…to my daughters, my friends…

Other times, even thinking about their utterance is frightening.

I yearn to tell Alaska that I love him, but I don’t.

Is it fear of rejection?

I know he won’t reject me…

If he was going to reject me, it would have been long before now. Read the rest of this entry »

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More Contact from My Catfish

This guy won’t let go, and the funniest thing about it is: he has already said “Good-bye” to me.

At the beginning of our conversations, he told me that instead of saying “Good-bye” when someone leaves or a talk ends, he always says “Peace” to them instead.

True to that, whenever we talked on the phone, he always ended our talks with “Peace”.

He explained to me that “Good-bye” was too final; that he only says “Good-bye” to people who have died, or he is severing his ties with them.

He said “Good-bye” to me when I ended things with him New Years Eve.

But then, after his “Good-bye“, he texted me some psycho-manipulative bullshit while I was on my skate trip to Houston.

At which point he told me he wouldn’t “bother” me again.

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People Change

There are a couple of posts from over a year ago – namely this one – that paint Alaska in a bad light… “we” were new and I was scared/timid and not able to communicate my feelings to him. So I communicated them here… It’s still scary for me to go back and read some of those words because it’s truly how I felt.

But, as our “old” relationship evolved, I got better at communicating with him…

As a matter of fact, I “broke up” with him on New Year’s Eve (2015) because I had expressed my feelings to him and he chose to ignore them.

AND, even after that, as we re-continued things, I was able to articulate all my feelings to him when the whole Amanda incident happened…

When I read that post now it still hurts, but I wonder if maybe Alaska was just as shocked about things as I was… I mean, we did just finish a whole orgasmic mutual masturbation thing… 😉 and were in our post-coital cuddling place… naked… and he made love to me three times after that…

 …and he with me (even though his communication is more non-verbal) – The Morning After

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Conversations with a Catfish #4

daddybabygirl

09/09/2016

What daddy would like is for us to grow together and communicate better to make each other stronger. Because the stronger daddy’s sub is, the stronger daddy is

You make it sound so nice and perfect…

Well, it will take work and nothing is perfect

I’m glad you said that. Thank you!

Daddy gets this feeling that she gets a little more in to daddy every time we talk?

You are correct. Every once in a while when we’re chatting, thinking of you gives me butterflies… I thought my butterflies had left me.

That’s why I want to meet and see if we have any chemistry Read the rest of this entry »

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Conversations With a Catfish #2

onlinedating

08/16/2016

Morning buttercup

Good morning

How is daddy’s special girl doing today??
By the way, daddy loves her voice and talking with her last night.

Thank you for saying so. It was nice talking with you, too. But I don’t think that I am able to commit to abstinence and being “all yours” yet like you want. I don’t want to jump into anything like that.

I’m not asking you to yet sweetheart

I must have misunderstood then. My apologies.

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Off the Deep End

Desperate2

I am very disappointed in myself for re-engaging with Mick. I should have let his little tantrum be the end of us.

*sigh* But that isn’t the choice I made and I’m now reaping the consequences = excuses, excuses, excuses…

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Garbage

SoulmateLessons

He threw me out like trash

Like not talking to me wouldn’t hurt

Fading away like a ghost

Who still lingers and haunts

Maybe that’s my problem

Why I can’t get over him

Why I can’t seem to really like anyone

Including myself

“Comparison is the thief of joy,” said Teddy Roosevelt

When will I stop comparing what I had with him

To what I could have with someone else?

Juggling boys like bowling pins

Two years?

Four years?

A lifetime?

Will time even help?

Delusion

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