Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

You ok?

I went to bed at 6 PM on Wednesday night

To answer your question, I am sick.

I’ve been fighting ***serious*** depression and alcoholism for 5+ years. It’s not getting any better. It gets worse every week… Drinking a literal shit-ton and then passing out is my way of coping. (Example: Last night)

When I told you that I was trying to get my apartment ready for you, and then you told me that you would have to get a hotel or sleep in your car – It was like you didn’t read any of the words I sent. Did you even notice that I was trying? I bought a crate for my dog, put a privacy curtain up over my bedroom doorway and even explained to you that the kittens spend most of their time in Thing #1’s room…

Anyway:

Lovely Molly

I got Molly for me, so I could try and start healing myself. I’m so lost and alone… Molly has helped me lose over 20 pounds – and she gets me outside every single day. Maybe I’m not happy, maybe I haven’t stopped drinking, but she’s helping me. A lot! (Way a lot more than I have been able to help myself!)

I need to get better and I haven’t found a way yet. So far, Molly is the best way that I have found.

Finding the kittens just happened. They belong to Thing #1 🤷‍♀️

Kaska
Lyra

If my having these animals is a problem, please just say it outright. They help me. I am alone and I feel so alone.

Every. Damn. Day…

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Actual Goals

10/12/2020

I set a few actual 30-day goals last week (gotta start small, since sticking to my goals is a relatively new concept to me)

  • Journaling at least twice a week (pretty good about it)
  • Exercise every single morning (pretty good about it)
  • Only eat when hungry (not so good about it)
  • Start exercise every day by 7PM (50/50 on this one)
  • Make at least $200/week driving rideshare (fail)

Except I am writing this entry instead of exercising…

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Life is Hard (and scary, too)

Life is overwhelming me. So much so, that I am curious how I’ve made it this far.

I mean, my kids are grown and I am 49 years old. Somehow I managed to get married and stay married for 20 years. I found the courage to get a divorce… I’ve interviewed for many jobs, left those jobs for new ones, made friends and met new people, moved from MN to CO…

But, the past couple of years haven’t been going very smoothly for me and life has become increasingly difficult.

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Loneliness

It’s Christmas.

You’re the only thing that I miss.

There’s no reason; I never meant anything to you; you never got me a gift.

Holidays were just a time for you to ignore me. Read the rest of this entry »

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Beyond Broken

I have lost the ability to articulate

My stories

My feelings

I feel stuck

Broken

Shy

Withdrawn

Lost

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Cathartic Word Puke

I hope you are well.

Missing you at the moment because we spent so much sexy time together and I could use a little right now…. My weekends have been desolate now that you’re gone.

Anyway, I do not expect or hope that you will reply. This is purely an email I need to write for catharsis because my Daddy is gone and I don’t have someone to talk to…

I quit my “real” job… My last day was yesterday. It feels good because, as you may remember, I felt that they were bullying me. Well, it turns out that they got stuff done by being mean – not something I like. I am less scared than I thought which is surprising as everything scares me any more. And now I am finding that I need validation – someone to tell me I did the right thing…

Good night, Mr. Mentor. I am grateful to you for the tools that you have given me. Be well, warm and safe. I hope you’ve found someone who makes you happier than I ever could. Your happiness is important to me.

Sincerely,
Fish

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Last Isn’t Always the Best Color

I’m not good enough to be anything but last.

How do I know?

People keep showing me

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What Would “You” Do?

So…

If you were in a serous relationship with a guy for 16 months and just found out that he’s known he had another child since last Father’s Day, would it bother you? (she’s 14 – so he wasn’t cheating or anything)

If so, how would you handle it?

If not, why didn’t it bother you?

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7 Ways to Tell You’re Just a Booty Call (and/or that Your S.O. has Probably Moved On)

  1. He/She doesn’t show any interest in any of the things that interest you
  2. He/She doesn’t buy you gifts “just because”, or for holidays, or ever
  3. He/She doesn’t take you anywhere and always says “No” when you ask them to do something with you (outside of the bedroom)
  4. He/She stops inviting you over to his/her house
  5. He/She forgets your birthday, even after being reminded it’s coming up
  6. He/She only hears what he/she wants you to want, not what you actually want
  7. He/She can only find 3-4 hours a week to spend time with you – sequestered alone in your bedroom, working at least 50% of the time and ‘letting’ you please him/her the rest of the time

Don’t find out the hard way 😦

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Long Term

I was completely blind(side)ed by Loserman when he stopped talking to me.

Finally, after a solid year without him (*mostly), I think I am able to start sorting things out.

from Pinterest

from Pinterest

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