Aside

Show Me

Reminders so I don’t take him back:

  1. Telling me my feelings are stupid when he doesn’t understand them
  2. His conceit and selfishness
  3. He’s a loud open-mouth chewer
  4. It’s always a struggle for his attention and time
  5. Not keeping his word, aka: empty promises
  6. Lack of respect and appreciation
  7. EXCUSES!!!
  8. Ignorance (circling back to #1)

If you love me, fucking show me!!!

(It’s taped at the head of my bed, so it’s there as the first and last thing every day)

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Respect

Ugh…

Monday night I finally decided to talk to Alaska about his lack of respect for my time and money.

It started with, “Get me a beer.”

As I walked to the kitchen to get a new beer that *I* had paid for (since he drank the rest of my last 6-pack – that I paid for…), I grumbled, “You know, just a little appreciation and thanks goes a long way.”

“What’s that?” He asked.

I repeated myself.

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Daddy

Daddy

ScaredKitten

Late Wednesday evening last week, Mick said something in an email that set me off. I don’t even know what it was that got me.

Maybe I was looking for an excuse to be angry with him or pick a fight… I don’t honestly know… Any enlightenment you can offer on the subject will be welcomed.

Hi baby doll,

I am so looking forward to tomorrow night. As always. Whether I am wailing on you or stroking you or just talking, I really like to be with you.

There are so many things that I want to know about you. I am not sure if you are ready to tell me yet. I know you are trying to not get too attached. I get that. There are things about me that I am not sure you want to know either. I have been having some random thoughts today and wanted to write some of them down. Your question at lunch yesterday was interesting how you posed it. [I asked if he was going to be able to keep up with me.] I am concerned about the age difference because it is more than I have been apart from anyone I have been with. I have not exactly been easy on my body through the years and I am concerned that I may not be able to keep you happy in a few years. Not just sexually, but in all aspects. I know that you have already made some “sacrifice” to be with me now. I don’t want you to have to keep making them for me. I want to make you happy for many, many years. I am pretty sure you are deserving of that. I am starting to think of my own mortality and don’t want people to sacrifice for me. I have lived most of my life believing that I need to sacrifice for others to try and repay for my past. I am in somewhat of a quandary and don’t know what to do. Let’s talk about this soon. Doesn’t have to be tomorrow. Just know that this is on my mind a lot, just as I think about how you make me feel is on my mind a lot.

Hope you had a good skate tonight. I want to come watch you sometime, but not sure if I should. I am doing my best to respect your position of not getting too attached.

Just kind of rambling now. Sleep well my sweet kitten and I will see you in dreamland. Read more

Attention Whore

Attention Whore

AttentionWhore

The thought just popped into my head randomly the other day and I wanted to jot something down about it.

Maybe something would come to me while I was writing.

Anyway…

I think I’m a bit of an attention whore.

It’s not like I go around creating ‘incidents’ or anything like that.

But I kind of do.

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If At First You Think It’s a Form Letter…

If At First You Think It’s a Form Letter…

A week ago I received this exciting message from a gentleman on FetLife (not Rock Star):
(please note that the days/times are not accurate on the screen pics… 😉 )

C83-1

Part of me thought it was so smart and sweet, but the other part felt the actual content of the message was a little cold and flat.

It reads kinda like a form letter, don’t you think?

But it also shows respect to me, the recipient…

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The Morning After

The Morning After

When my thoughts were finally able to succumb to peace, I slept for maybe 2 hours.

Which kept Alaska from sleeping well, too.

The previous night, after he had ravaged me to the point I was scared enough to ask if I could go home, he became very gentle with me. The way he made love to me, the way he held me in his arms, the way he spoke to me, the way he woke up each time I stirred and made sure I was okay…

I wasn’t, but at the time I didn’t feel like I could tell him that… I was worried I would get another whipping and my ass wasn’t ready again so soon… Or my mind. My knees and ankles were hurting me to the point I could barely stay still in the bed, let alone kneel before him and submit again.

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Aside

“To Love and Be Loved Back”

love

Re-blog of the original post on Om Swami: 24 Jul 2015 05:30 PM PDT

I once read a quote that said, “Love me and I’ll move mountains for you. Hurt me and I’ll drop those mountains on your head.” I think this basically sums up two aspects of our lives. One, how love, or lack of it, can make us feel about someone (or ourselves) and two, how we have mistaken self-gratification for love. Does love really mean that you will always be happy in a relationship? We are naturally miffed when things don’t go our way or when the other person doesn’t behave the way we expect them to.

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Quote

Limerence

Ugh!

I fucking hate that word!

It scares the shit out of me!

It scares me so much that I almost deleted my previous “Word of the Day” post about it.

Quite a while ago.

Because I’m pretty sure that limerence had me firm in it’s grasp.

It scares me because it means I might not feel the way about TC that I think I do.

It scares me even more that TC might not feel, about me, the way he thinks he does!

It makes me doubt my self and my heart. Which, honestly, to this date, have not been very reliable counsel anyway…

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