Smitten with Him

grown-up stuff happens here sometimes

…Into the Woods

(Read Part 1)

I feel the pull of the truck as you drive forward out of the garage and turn onto the street. The furry blanket you have wrapped around me is remarkably warm and comfortable. As you drive, I shift my head back and forth a little to gather up some of the fur underneath myself to form a makeshift pillow.

The radio is on. Nothing special. I think it’s the local classic rock channel and it sounds like Fleetwood Mac or something. I’m able to focus on it instead of what’s actually happening to me.

There are some turns and some stops. At first, I try to concentrate on how long between stops, how many turns… But I have never been good at directions. Being blindfolded and laying on my side in a Jeep isn’t helping to orient myself.

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Cash Cow

cartoon cash cowLately I have been feeling like all I am is a big bag of money to the people in my life.

When do *I* get the payoff? Is there one? Am I looking in the wrong place?
You’re going to tell me that I’ve already seen the payoff, right?
Why do I have to be so ready and willing to ‘help’ people?
It’s not really help if I have to do it over and over and over and over again, is it? Then I’m just enabling them, right? And I become the doormat…
Why can’t anyone tell me that I am more to them than a dollar sign? Why do I need to hear it? How can they show me?
If I am giving money away, shouldn’t I just be happy that my ‘friends’ are happy?

It mostly makes me sad because I am pretty sure that none of them would be there for me financially if I needed them to be; especially not Loverman. He does all sorts of things for me, but I don’t think he will ever be able to take care of me monetarily.
Is that something I truly need?
I want someone in my life who meets my expectations; who cares for me on my terms.
Or, do I need that?
How does one find ‘it’? I thought I had, but I have been questioning myself on that lately.
Should I wear this sign on my chest:

I am so lost right now. Struggling with a broken marriage that I just want to run away from but I can’t figure out how (maybe it has to do with the fact that my cash keeps flowing out of my bank account instead of in). A friend of mine told me last Friday that I need to either “buck it up and deal. Just stop bitching about it!” or “get rid of what brings you the unhappiness. You know how, you’re just refusing to see it“.

Beautifulmess7, it looks like I need to work harder on that list of yours 😉
#4 is going to be the death of me!